... have I been completely manipulated by a 10 year old? WWYD?

[MessyMummy15]

So I went to my sister in laws house this weekend and she has three children..
boy 13
Girl 11 and
Girl 7

Boy who's birthday is May told me that everyone in school has this particular phone case and he really wanted it for his birthday. I had a check online and it was £3 so I ordered it and told him it was gonna come before May but it was just a gift.

Everything fine. We all playing and laughing and having fun... Four hours pass and me, DH and kids go to leave. 13yo and 7yo come and hug us and say goodbye but 11 year old refuses to get off the couch and starts bursting into tears saying she isn't going to hug me or say goodbye because I'm horrible and it's not fair that her brother got something and not her.

I respond that two weeks ago I brought her a particular toy she had been looking for but didn't get anything for her brother and sister and they didn't complain
But she carries on crying and goes to her dad and essentially stamps her foot at him till he says to me "just buy her what she wants and I'll give you the money" I agree just to end the stupid situation as I'm half way out the door anyway

Then in the car on the way home she's sending me Ebay links for the "stuff she wants" telling me the best aunty etc etc... 😒

AIBU to be feel completely manipulated and that I shouldn't actually get her anything?

It's not about the money, the things she had chosen were kinda cheap anyway but I'm annoyed that she didn't just ask me when I ordered something for her brother but was fine all day till I was leaving and put on the most dramatic show in front of her mum and dad. I ALWAYS buy all the kids something when I see them anyways such as sweets or magazines etc

Should I just get over it and buy it considering she's only 11 or tell her dad straight that I don't think that behaviours warrants gifts?

Thanks if you read the whole way through...

I would buy something because I'd promised. But I'd change my behaviour going forward and not agree if that situation arose again. Her dad was awful rewarding her for a tantrum

No need to fight your brothers battles, you won’t be thanked for it.
Just let them know it’s only Christmas and birthday gifts in future.

Also, what happened to children buying random tat like this out of pocket money?
You can only find the really cheap random tat online so an adult has to front the credit card.

...................
I think you should send the girl a curt text telling her you are not impressed by her grabby attitude and patent false gratitude and on reflection, you are not going to buy her anything.

Her parents will reap what they sow.

If you buy her something I'd buy her siblings something (to make it 'fair'). I wouldn't bother telling them that that's the last random gift you'll buy because they won't care. I'd just stop buying. If they ever ask you can tell them the reason why you won't. I'd also have a word to your brother and tell him how pathetic he was and how unfair/unreasonable it is for your niece to expect an extra gift.

I am going to buy that book, CantStopMeNow!!

Many thanks for posting the reference!

id be shutting that shit down right away, spoilt brat territory... no way in hell would i reward that, no way in hell id be reinforcing that behaving like that gets you what you want... and being me i would also be telling her that

Stop buying them presents, allowing them to use you and call you names. They will use people when they're adults. I've seen this happen to my niece and nephew who are both middle-aged now and still using people.

You could buy her something and also buy her younger sister something , but better.
So all 3 have gifts. "To make it fair"
You could buy her something, but insist she gives back previous present, or gives it to her sister. "To make it fair."
You could buy her something wierdly random, like a pound shop spanner, give it her in 3 or 4 weeks and tell her you have ordered what she wanted from Amazon / eBay and it's coming from china then give her the spanner and say look what they sent. Must have got the order wrong.
Next time she wants something buy her something even odder. That takes even longer to arrive.

Hard one as her dad has told you to buy it, so even though isn't great parenting at all, it's their kid and if they want her to be spoilt and entitled that's their call! If you didn't buy it, is better for her in the long run but the parents would probably want an explanation when they said they would give you the money and it may cause issues between you?

It may be that having seen his sister get bought something she liked last time, the 13 yo also (more skilfully) manoeuvred you into buying the phone case this time.

Stop buying stuff. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter egg, maybe a souvenir if you go abroad. You are teaching them to expect stuff, and their Dad is facilitating.

Let her stamp her feet. Kids stamping their feet because they aren't being spoiled is the sound of good parenting.

Choose a gift that all three of them would like and buy them one each.

One sibling will learnt that you can't be manipulated and the other two will learn that the fact that they don't have tantrums is appreciated.

Yuck what a horror of a child. I'd never let mine be so rude and grabby

I think you'll have to, as you agreed to it - but I hope there's nothing over £3 on her list. "But darling, I just can't spend more on you than I did on your brother. I know how important it is to you for it to be FAIR..."

Since you said you would get it, I would get it but not give it to her until her birthday, or maybe Easter instead of an egg? But her parents really need to be stamping down on that behaviour and in future, don't give in.

Just keep 'forgetting ' to buy the thing. Then as/ when someone (brat/ dad) asks after it, reply (in a nonchalant manner) that you have zero tolerance/ No time for spoilt behaviour so won't be rewarding it and that going forward, no gifts for anyone beyond xmas and bdays

Personally I’d say stop buying them all things every time you see them. As a parent it would not find this helpful anyway. My mum used to always have something for the kids and it became an expectation. She doesn’t now so on the odd occasion she does by them something then they really appreciate it.

I’d also say that if you are going to continue to buy them things then it’s lesson learned about buying one without the other. You either buy all or none. That way you can’t get issues like this when one doesn’t get a present.

What did your SIL saw about the situation?

Was the phone case the lad's birthday present or just a random gift?

If I were you I'd ring and say I'd had second thoughts and won't be buying the gift for the 11yo. Furthermore, I'd tell them I'll no longer be buying them gifts outwith their birthdays and Christmas, due to the 11yo's behaviour.

I don’t see how you were manipulated by the 13 yo. You decided to give the present early, didn’t you?

As for the 11 yo. Do you speak to her on the phone / text? Maybe contact her and say you don’t appreciate being called horrible. Then I’d wait for her reaction. If you do buy something, I wouldn’t just get something for her. I’d get something for everyone. Her budget should be very small. She had a toy 2 weeks ago. What about the 7 yo?

I wouldn't get her anything. If her dad wants to get her something he can. If so the magazines and sweets too. Trying to make you look 'horrible', implying you are tight when you are always getting them things! She would have put me off being generous with them.

'I'd stop' the magazines and sweets too.

Absolutely not, to buying it.

However, you’ve told her father that you would.

So I’d text him all jovial like “Hi Just looking at list, it makes no sense for me to but something and then you pay me back - makes more sense for you to just get it, simpler for both of us. See you soon!”

I'd text the father (is he your DB?) and say you've been giving it some thought and you're not happy about being called horrible and feel that buying the item will be rewarding bad behaviour, so you've decided not to buy anything. As others have said, maybe cut down on the gift giving and limit it to special occasions rather than every visit so that they stop expecting something.

You don't negotiate with terrorists.

Any chance of you doing this went out of the door when she threw a tantrum.
No way would I be entertaining or condoning that behaviour and if asked again would tell them why.

What an immature girl. At 11 when my daughter started coming home by herself last term before senior school. She earned her own pocket money by feeding the cat. Emptying and Loading the dishwasher. She brought her own things if she wanted them outside birthdays and Christmas. But was finished with toys by then anyway. You need a word with the parents. That behaviour isn’t helping anyone

Clearly the parents are the problem.

They should have nipped that response in the bud rather than giving into her

I would 100% not be buying her a treat after that outburst x