Wedding

[Notwavingimdrowning]

LSS: Fdil hates our family. We are definitely the poor relations, even though we live in a lovely but modest house and work hard for every penny. She has been overheard referring to us as losers, ignores us and is generally very rude on the rare occasions that we have had any interaction, like family occasions she cannot avoid attending, although she avoids most of them if she can. We’re a normal family, not rowdy,barely drink and definitely know how to behave ! It’s fine .. I’ve done my trying and finished crying over it. I accept that we will never be friends and will remain friendly, open and civil as we always have done.
The wedding is in 2 weeks time and non of us are looking forward to it at all but will be there smiling and graceful. My problem is that although I have a beautiful dress that I considered to be elegant and formal, when I sent a photo, fdil has implied that it looks cheap ( it wasn’t at all) and that she hopes I’m wearing a hat and going to the hairdresser on the morning before the wedding because of the wedding photos. I’m so upset and hurt if I’m honest. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my hair. I cannot afford to buy a hat that I will wear only once and hadn’t really thought about it, but apparently I have to as her mum is wearing one and I will look odd and underdressed. A friend has a lovely hat I could borrow but it doesn’t go with my navy coloured dress ( it’s a green fascinator type ) I have looked on eBay, gumtree and local selling sites but can’t find anything. AIBU to just not wear one ? I am now paranoid that we will look like the poor relatives that she really thinks we are and I know I shouldn’t care, but I do.

You poor thing, she sounds like a complete arsehole. Does your ds know she speaks to you like this?

She's not going to approve whatever you do so I wouldn't worry about the hairdresser or the hat.

Just go with the outfit you have planned, it sounds like she will be critical of you regardless. Why did you send her a picture of your dress?

Don't buy anything you don't want to. What's she going to do on the day if you turn up without a hat? Absolutely bugger all! Please don't be pushed around. I'm sure you will look beautiful.

Go wearing the dress you have and with your hair the way you want. FDIL sounds like a bit of a bitch TBH, if you pander to her bullshit now it will set the tone going forward.

Thank you all. I’m not usually so pathetic but she has really got to me this time. I sent the picture as I’d spoken to my son and told him we had been shopping for a wedding outfit, she then messaged me and asked me to send her a picture.

If she is generally so rude and unfriendly, she will just be mean anyway.

At least you know she will be focusing on your lack of hat, and will leave your shoes/ make-up/car alone. Don't bother!

Your navy dress sounds lovely and perfect for the wedding. Do pity her if she can waste time and energy on her wedding day to bitch about you when it should be one of the happiest day of her life.

As long as you don't turn up in a white/ivory affair with a veil, she shouldn't even really notice your outfit. If she does, pity the groom!

Don’t go!

If the FDIL is as bad as you say she is then just don’t turn up. Message your DS explaining how rude you found her comments and that you’ve simply had enough of been ‘looked down’ on and that unless you receive an apology you sharnt be attending.

She won’t apologise - by the sounds of her. But no matter how much you love your DS you CAN NOT spend the next 40 years dealing with this sort of behaviour.

Although I doubt you will, as she will no doubt cut ties with you once they’re married and force him to take sides!

Have you tried tk maxx? Debenhams also have some lovely navy bits that aren't overly expensive. If you wear it once you could probably re sell it to re coup some of the money.

In all honesty it doesn't sound like anything you do will be 'right' so I'd do the bare minimum and just try kill her with kindness on the day. If she's horrible then she's only going to show herself up.

Best of luck

@HappyHattie As much as Iwould absolutely love not to go ... it is my son and exactly what she wants to happen. There would be no coming back from that. Ds is well aware of what she is like. They have been together for 12 years and have a new baby. I would not risk not being allowed to see my gs, as it is we only get to see him once a week when ds brings him for about an hour. I have posted about her behaviour previously and the fact that I have no respect for ds anymore for allowing this to continue, but he loves her and their ds and regardless of her attitude towards us, she makes him happy. We are the only thing they argue about and I don’t want to be responsible for that either, so we smile and put up with it. We have been excluded completely from any wedding arrangements, we just know when and where to turn up. That is the total involvement that we have been even allowed.

Has she always been like this OP? Was there something big that caused an argument? She doesn’t sound very nice from what you’ve said.

I agree you should just go with the outfit you have planned.

(OR turn up in a massive fascinator - I'm thinking something like Princess Beatrice's at William and Kate's wedding)

If I was you, I would look for a hat or a fascinator. Whatever you go for, on the day, lift your head up, walk tall and smile.

(Just to add that seeing your DGC once a week sounds good to me. Lots of GPs don't get to see them so often.)

OP do everything you can to make sure you feel fabulous on the day. Get your hair blown at the hairdressers, if they can do your make up and nails get it done too.
Hold your head high, smile brightly, greet all her family in a friendly manner and try and enjoy yourself.

After the wedding I’m at a loss to what to say you should. You’re a better woman than me as I think I would have told the nasty cow to fuck off in your shoes but I get why you haven’t.

Is your DS ok with her treating his mum like this?

You wear what you gosh darn want OP! If she wants you to wear a hat that badly, she can provide one for you. She's just picking to get a reaction, nothing will make her happy.

Go to the wedding, hold your head up high and smile for your son!

I also think once a week is great for seeing your grandchild! My mum only gets to see my kids three times a year (admittedly for 1-2 weeks at a time) as I live abroad, my MIL gets to see them every couple of months (for a full weekend) when we visit as they're 1.5 hours away. Just turn the other cheek and wait for your son to come back to you.

If your ds knows what she is like he shouldn't put up with her being so nasty to you.
My dil can be difficult but like you, I wouldn't jeopardise contact with my grandchildren and I mind my tongue a lot ( I'm not known for tolerating shit from unreasonable people like her) when she's being unreasonable, however, I know my son would never allow her to use the children as a weapon.
If she was as bad as your dil I think I would call her out and ask her why she is being so hurtful.
I would go to the wedding, wear what the hell I like and not give her opinion a second thought.
I really don't understand how your son can claim someone makes him happy knowing she is a complete cow to his mum.
It's never worth wasting your love on someone at any bloody price!

Try here giftshop.bhf.org.uk/weddings/fascinators or I guarantee you'll find something even cheaper in an actual charity shop.

I do think you need to start channelling your inner MIL-from-Hell though

Sorry hope this link works giftshop.bhf.org.uk/weddings/fascinators

Tell her you think hats are dreadfully old fashioned (they are) and wear your dress that you feel fabulous in. Don’t issue any ultimatums, just behave well (as you are) and enjoy catching up with family and friends.

When they need babysitters and emergency childcare I expect she’ll warm up!

What exactly did she say about the dress?

She sounds ghastly and as pp have said nothing you do will be right.

This makes me so sad OP. I think you’re being amazing- just wear what you feel comfortable in, and try to enjoy the day.

Absolutely do not get a hat or a fascinator (horrible looking stupid things anyway, but that is only my opinion), if you had one, she would have criticised your shoes and what kind of tool gives a crap what anyone else is wearing to their wedding anyway. Shame on your son for allowing this to happen. I know you don't want to and won't, but I would ditch the lot of them until they started showing me some respect and learn to live with it.

Never in a million years would I put up with such poor behaviour off anyone nm my child’s partner, I wouldn’t be going and I would tell my ds why. You don’t deserve to be abused and bullied by you’re child’s partner, this behaviour will only get worse. I couldn’t go in good faith and support a marriage I didn’t approve due to someone’s vile behaviour. A wedding should be a celebration and happiness of a couple and families joining together.

I’ve just read your thread from 2017 OP. Honestly after reading just how fucking awful she is I think in your shoes I would make a massive stand and tell DS that I wasn’t going to the wedding. No way should she be allowed to get away with such obnoxious behaviour.

What’ve you got to lose? Maybe DS will then grow some balls and wake up to his wife’s despicable treatment of his parents and do something about it.

There is so much MIL bashing on this site it does demonstrate quite clearly that there are some diabolical DILs

I suspect what she has to lose here is contact with her own son. Sadly. If he hasn't stood up for his mum so far, her refusing to go to the wedding with no nothing but drive a wedge between herself and her son. He'll never forgive her for it.