To decline deathbed visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

Bless you OP.
I am really touched by this thread, and so sorry about your prognosis.
I hope that what time you have left is spent exactly how you want it and with the people you want around you x

Say No. if they can’t visit when you’re alive then why are they visiting you now you’re dying?

I'm so sorry for your diagnosis and this situation. My heart goes out to you and all the others who have posted on here too. This thread is so powerful.

I am so sorry OP. Do what YOU want. If you dont want to see certain people then dont. This absolutely is a time when it really is All About You. I wish you the very best xx

Hi OP... your GP are no doubt terrified that you are going to meet “god” before them and have a word with “him” about what excellent humans they’ve been so far, so they’re going to try and make up for it with some platitudes and empty words. Why waste your precious time and subject your lovely mother to further stress? Maybe get someone to write them a note and let them know that you’ll be having a word about what “loving Christians” they’ve been with their family when you see “him”.
I am not remotely religious by the way, but I have had my extended family ripped up by nasty, smug god-botherers too. I do hope you and your mother find peace with each other’s company and enjoy happy moments together! X

I recognise you too OP. You are such a kind, lovely person who has helped so many people over the years. You are such a special person and I really admire your courage.
You have to do what you feel is right on this occasion although I'd be inclined not to let them visit.
I hope your journey is a peaceful one OP. Sending you lots of love

Maybe this is the time for honesty?
Tell them why u don’t want them there in a letter?

Certainly don’t waste your time and energy on seeing them. It sounds like they will be the same with or without a visit?

Sending peace and love 🌺🌸🌷🌼🌻

They are taking headspace and energy from you as they are, they had all the time before to come and see you, grief thieves.

I spoke to you on a thread in the past, You have absolutely lovely to me and to many others on here, I wish you nothing but love and a peaceful journey.

"Look what good [insert religion here]s we are" types are such hypocritical bastards.

Your death, your choice. If they were decent people, they would understand. Otherwise, sod them. It sounds like they'll be no help to your DM either way.

A message to the OP’s mum, if she’s reading:

I’m so, so sorry that you have been dealt this particular hand. It’s cruel and unfair and utterly heartbreaking.

Please know that you are absolutely allowed to protect your baby from people she doesn’t want to see. Never mind family awkwardness. Your child’s wishes are paramount at this stage and you can tell people that. Decent people will understand, non-decent people don’t matter, even if they are your parents. Don’t let them ruin the last, precious days you have with your daughter. You are her mama bear to the very end.

Again, I’m so sorry. My thoughts are with your family.

So sorry OP your wishes should be respected. You don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to and definitely not anyone that won’t bring you comfort.

You mum can say most of the time you are sleeping/resting etc. And you don’t want visitors at the moment. Anyone who loves you will understand.

((((Madd Hugs)))) Budgieonaglass (((((Madd Hugs))))🌺🌼🌺

budgie you are lovely, and you are of course right to be concerned about your DMum.

I doubt very much whether visit, or lack of, will make the slightest difference to whether they will support her after your death. After all, if they were remotely supportive in any useful way, wouldn't they be visiting regularly to give your parents a bit of a break - or at least do some household chores/cooking for them.

So I think it's just a case of finding a form of words, to be deployed only if they try to visit, which are unmistakeably firm, but as kind as possible (because you sound kind, and no r aeon to violate your standards at this point)

I wouid suggest something along the lines of "You saw her at the Christmas gathering, and we're sorry to say that budgie is considerably less well now. She wouid not benefit from a visit now"

She couid offer to meet them away from the house, if they wanted to support her, but somehow I doubt that will come to pass.

If your DMum ever says something that leads you to think that actually it does matter to her, you can always think again. But as she sounds such a trooper 'd be quite surprised if that happened to,

Your focus on the well-being of those closest to you after you die, is lovely. I think FWIW that your parents will gain comfort from looking after you well.

It looks as though your mum is under the FOG, they are not good parents or grandparents. If they were, they would be supporting her, and you before all of this, and they are not! They want to visit for their own selfish reasons, with no thought about whether you want it. Rather like grief tourists. They are the worse 'Christians' I use that term loosely. The types who will go to church every Sunday, but who are just plain hypocrites. Your mum should not be putting pressure on you in your situation, it is wrong of her.

You don't them coming, it is your right. Be confident to tell your mum 'no', don't feel guilty. Maybe she can take a leaf out of your book and stop being a mug. Massive hugs to you . YOu need your last moments to be calm and peaceful, not stressful.

I recognise you too, OP, and have long been a tad in love with you because you are and have for so long been the most massive support of comfort, calm, advice and kindness to others going through awful times.

You should not have to use any of your time on these people who are so selfish in their demand to visit. You should not. But still, I see you say "I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum" and I wonder if you would feel better, or worse, if you allowed them to visit for your beloved Mum's sake. Would it be a bit of relief - 'I've made it better for my lovely Mum by enduring these people" or would it be more "I've let them come and now I've wasted some of my last of life pandering to the selfish rudeness of these people and I feel ragey". An impossible question to answer I know, but maybe you will suddenly get a sense of which way the balance tips.

(I wouldn't have them, if it were me.)

All love to you, our MN Budgie xx

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this and that your grandparents let you down so badly at Christmas. I think you should say no, tell your mum to explain why - ie they had their chance to be supportive and didn’t take it. Time to focus on you and the true people in your life. You seem so lovely and thoughtful but you need to think of yourself and your mum needs to help you.

You have who you want there. It's completely your decision.

So sorry to hear of your situation and hope you are as comfortable as can be xx

I recognise you too, OP, and have long been a tad in love with you because you are and have for so long been the most massive support of comfort, calm, advice and kindness to others going through awful times

THIS times a gazillion. There aren’t a lot of people like budgie. She is very, very special.

^^ what they said!

Ah OP what a post

If there ever was a time to make your own rules about how you want things to be, then this is it.

Spend your precious remaining time surrounded by those who you want there and share their love.

Wishing you all the best

I agree with everyone else, if you don't want to see them then don't, I realise you're worried about your mum, but you say you have support from other areas. It now is about you and your nearest and dearest, anyone who doesn't fit that category, regardless of DNA relationships, forget them. They're not worth your headspace. Or your parents headspace.
Wishing you peace and love

Oh and haunt the bastards 👻

I recognise you budgie and as the vast majority of posters said, you're ace.

Do what suits you, I know it goes against everything inside you because you're an utterly selfless person and wonderful friend, daughter and everything else you are to people.

This is your time, for you to use your limited energy on what matters to you.

I love you very much my friend. (I'm the Scottish one )

I recognise you OP. You are a bit of a hero to me. I never commented on any of your other threads because I felt like I was eavesdropping. You have touched so many people.

However if you don't want certain visitors with you then say no, just no. If your mum can deal with her child dying then she will be able to deal with the aftermath too. Your death, your way.

To your mum: I think we can all understand how excruciatingly heartbreaking this is for your family. You have raised an incredible person.

I'm so very sorry for you all.
XX

Yanbu, it's for purely selfish reasons they want to visit, for their own gain.

If you don't think you will enjoy the visit, then don't allow it.

If they did not bother when they had the chance at Christmas, why waste the precious hours on them now.

Adding to the budgie love. You're like a mother hen (mother budgie?) who takes people under her wings, calms them down and soothes them.

Do what feels best for you.