To decline deathbed visitors?

[Budgieonaglass]

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

I spent six months in bed, and without crowing I am out the other side (for now) my mother visited for a weekend. I didn't want her here, when she reverted to type whilst visiting, I "rescheduled" my morphine and "dropped" off in front of her.

It’s a no from me and please don’t waste another second even thinking about them.

Even a short visit could take up a lot of headspace before and after.

Spend the time you have left with those you love.

We have an expression in this family, grief thiefs.

YANBU of course

I’m so sorry to hear of your prognosis OP. Wishing you peace and strength to your parents too xxx

OP "I was expecting more anger, what with it being AIBU and all! Especially with a drip feed."

You sound almost disappointed and we can't have you being disappointed by AIBU

Would it help if I said things like...

cancel the cheque! Snap and fart! Scream at the Sistine!

No. Fuck 'em.
It's about you.

Lots of love OP

I'm really sorry you're ill OP. I did also wonder about if it could be a case of what julensaor said - not knowing how to handle the diagnosis - that's made them be backward in coming forward. However I do also think that you should only have who you want to see.

If the reasonable advice about reducing stress for your DPs by allowing the visit to happen persuades you to change your mind, can your DM be candid with your GPs? Something like 'You can visit but Budgie was really upset you did not talk to her at Christmas & that you only feel the need to see her now towards the end of her illness. Please can you remember this when you speak to her and avoid giving any more upset?"

Or if your DPs refuse entry and there are snide remarks or regrets aired later, they should just retort with "Yes it's a shame you didn't make the most of the time you had with Budgie at Christmas, before she became too ill to see you."

Thinking of you and your family you brave lady x

If there is ever a time in your life when you should be allowed to be selfish it should be when you are dying, Save your energy for those you love and who love you in return. I hope you have peace

If they’re arseholes, they’ll be arseholes whatever you decide about visiting. Only do what makes you happy/comfortable. The concession to your mum is to give her a white lie excuse to give them.

OP when I was very very poorly there was someone who would constantly message me nagging to visit....I told everyone at the time if I wasnt well enough to get a shower and at least put clean PJs on and make it to the sofa then visitors were not allowed.

One day I relented,I replied to the message give me an hour to get ready and you can only stay half an hour at most....she turned up early,she stayed for nearly 2 hours.....but what made me even more angry was the fact on the way home she called in on a mutual friend....and said I have been to see Clean,she said this that and the other etc and she had said I could have half hour,well I stayed much longer lol....I was furious that she made out I had given her all the gory details and she found it funny that she had totally worn me out.

Basically she came around so she could relay to others that she had been and she knew all the gossip....I decided that day that it didnt matter who asked to visit if I wasnt up to it and it didnt benefit me then the answer would be no.

This time is about you OP not anybody else.
You are always in my thoughts lovely lady xx

Your wishes should be respected but I do love that you are being so considerate to your mums feelings. Sending you both big hugs x

You don't have to see anyone you don't want to. This is about YOU. Your last however long should be about YOU being happy (well, as happy as someone in your position). Keep those grief vultures away!

And good luck with the end. That really sucks and I'm sorry

budgie oh... I've been there. For what its worth I've had to manage access to my mom and my younger sisters death beds. It was horrible in the moment but I know I did the right thing for them at the time. Much love to you in a million ways xx

I'm kind of angry on your behalf OP. You deserve to have who you want around you and if your mum wants a random MNetter to ring up to tell your GPs a very firm NO then I'd be happy to oblige as I'm sure many others here would be too

Hi OP
I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and prognosis.
At this time I would say that everything should be your choice.
I dont think you need to see anyone who is not good for you emotionally at this time.
I realise that your refusal could lead to DM having things said to her later. All DM needs to say is that it was your decision and that was what we respected.
I too, hate the type of person who dashes in at the last minute. There seems to be so many of them everywhere.
Dont do anything you dont want to do.
Wishing you peace and love in the future wherever you may be. x
You are such a nice person, I dont know who you are but that is the character that is coming through, you will be missed by all

WIshing you peace and comfort. No, you don't have to see anyone you don't want to see. Though if it's fretting at you and you think it would ease your conscience to let them come, then do it - could you puke on them or something?

YANBU.

My grandmother was a racist who didn't like who my mother was and subsequently chose to have pretty much no relationship with the grandchildren who were mixed (myself and siblings)...

Grandparents aren't always perfect beings who need to be catered to imo. Have whoever you want and love there.

I too recognise you Op.You have been such a supportive person to everyone who has needed advice or information for quite a while, but now is the time to put yourself first. I am so sorry you are going through this. You will be thought of and missed by so many. Wishing your parents and you peace.

Could your parents explain you aren’t well enough for visitors and could they send a video message instead which you will watch when you are up to it (although you don’t have to, they won’t know)

Budgie, your post has really touched me, because I'm also terminal, though not as far along as you, and there's someone who I'm expecting will want to see me too, but also hasn't been there for me.

I will be saying no. I don't really want her at my funeral either, being all sad and tearful, when she dropped me like a ton of shit, but I realise I won't be able to stop that (unless I can haunt the shit out of her!).

So, only have people who you want to visit you. Your mum will just have to deal with any digs or awkwardness.

I wish you a peaceful journey, and when I get to the other side, we'll have to have an afterlife Mumsnet meet up! I'll bring the Pom Bears.

YANBU and if you were it wouldn’t matter either. This is one time you get to choose.

Oh my love.
You're not an exhibit.
Fill your life with joy. Only that.
I think I do recognise you. All my love xxx

Oh, sweetheart. Fuck ‘em. Your time is far, far too precious to spend with people who don’t give a shit about you. Even worse when they’re only visiting to make themselves look good. Whatever time you have left needs to be spent with those who love you, and those who will be of help to your parents after you’re gone.

I’m so sorry that you have to go so early. I hope that your passing, and whatever lies beyond, is filled with peace and love. Xx

Budgieonaglass So sorry you've been put in this situation when everyone should be doing all they can to make your last days easy for you. Some people are just unbelievable!!

I've been in the same situation as your mother when my loved one was terminal, unfortunately the in-laws just arrived unannounced and expected to stay days/weeks in the house, as they lived several hours away. 'NO' was the only civil reply I could muster as I knew they were only there to garner sympathy from their friends back home (and it was proved later I was correct, not that I wanted to be 'right')....they definitely weren't there for the patient in any way. In fact for many, many years (before and since) they openly voiced their dislike of the dying person, who's wishes were the 'only' consideration in my mind. Nobody else mattered...harsh, but how I saw it and if I was faced with the same situation again, I would do the same!

So, my message to your Mum is to tell them politely, but succinctly, they are 'not' to visit as that is 'your' wish due to things that have happened in the past. I know I was seen as the villain, but truly I didn't care...I was carrying out the patient's wishes and that was all that mattered.

I don't agree with other replies to tell them this or that, with people like this you need to be blunt, they are teflon-coated and the message won't sink in!!

Thinking of you and feel so sorry you have been troubled with this unnecessary sh*t just when you don't need it!! You sound incredibly strong and I hope we meet some day in the MN meetup along with Motoko.

Motoko.....unless I can haunt the shit out of her!....sorry, you made me smile at this comment, you sound like my kind of girl. There are a couple of people I don't want at my funeral (whenever it may be) so I've left instructions that 'nobody' be told until after it's all over. That's right, nobody will be there...reason being that I've had to put up with so much cr*p in my life with family in-fighting and they seem to get worse at funerals as each person thinks 'their' suffering is greater than the next.

So, to short-circuit all the BS, none of them will be there and that will make me happy.

All the best to you in your journey and hope you have some loved ones closeby, if that's what you want.