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Original poster

To decline deathbed visitors?

368 replies

Budgieonaglass · 10/03/2019 20:34

I have namechanged for obvious reasons so please don't out me if you recognise me.

I'll keep this brief as I can.

I'm terminally ill and bedbound. I am being cared for by my parents at their house. I have very limited energy and my drugs make me drowsy. So I do not have many hours when I'm properly awake.

Some relatives would like to visit. I do not believe their visit will bring me any comfort.

I think their main motivation is to be able to tell their church friends they've visited. But perhaps I am being unfair. I find it hard to think kindly of them due to past behaviour and their lack of support since my diagnosis. (This is entirely their choice and we had plenty of support from elsewhere, but I don't think they should expect to be able to swan in at the end, when they haven't been there for the long haul.)

Over Christmas they had the opportunity to speak to me at a family occasion and deliberately avoided me. Despite having been complaining to other relatives that we hadn't invited them to visit. So obviously they are not that keen to spend time with me Confused

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness. But I feel it would be condoning/rewarding their behaviour. They will never apologise or accept that they have done anything wrong.

Then again, I will be dead soon. I don't want to make life more difficult for my mum. I feel petty using my deathbed to make a stand.

So, would I be unreasonable to say I don't want them to visit?! It's not my house anyway, so at the end of the day I can't actually stop them, but my mum values my opinion.

OP posts:
sarralim · 10/03/2019 22:11

I'm really so sorry to hear about your illness, Budgie.

It's hard to always live the way we want - although there is a general notion that it should be easy. But there really shouldn't be any question about who gets to decide what makes you comfortable in this situation. It being your gradparents have no bearing. In fact, the very fact that it is your grandparents (people who should love you unconditionally) - and that they haven't been there for you - is all the more reason, in my opinion, for you to listen to your own heart here and do just what feels right for you. This is about you. You have no responsibility to 'fix' what sounds like an already strained relationship between your mother and her parents.

Your mum will be fine.

Please think about yourself now.

Much love and peace to you Flowers

Fruitbatdancer · 10/03/2019 22:11

Yeah fuck em. I have a distant family relation going through same, I’ve taken choice not to try to visit but send love/ flowers/ a letter (they are far away) my aunt said she was going immediately. The daughter of patient said please don’t- stay away- now is not the time. All power to her. Aunt is back in box. The ONLY person who’s feelings count is the one going through it. Flowers to you.

SinkGirl · 10/03/2019 22:11

OP, this is entirely your choice. Please, for your own peace, surround yourself only with those who make you happy and bring nothing but love to you. That’s what you deserve, not to be a prop in someone else’s film.

In my mum’s last 48 hours, she only had two visitors besides us. One was her GP who spent nearly two hours with her (it wasn’t her day off). Another was a friend who finally helped my mum to accept that the end was near and that it was okay. When that friend left, my mum finally agreed to the pain relief and other meds she’d been refusing for the previous month in the hospice. She never spoke again and I honestly believe from witnessing it that she drifted away around 12 hours before she died and just didn’t come back. It was extremely peaceful for her.

I would have hated anyone who made my mum sad or angry to have anything to do with that time.

Wintersnowdrop · 10/03/2019 22:12

I’m so sorry that you are worrying about this. I remember reading another thread and I think it was you and I know you have mentioned these relatives several times before. I wonder if it would ease your worry and remove the headspace if they came for a short visit so you wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore? You are a lovely and supportive woman.

SinkGirl · 10/03/2019 22:12

(Sorry, it was her day off - just in case anyone was outraged!)

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 10/03/2019 22:16

It could be a real gift to your mother if you say no.

If she suffers from FOG with them, having someone model some firm boundaries might be life changing, even if it is her daughter who is on her deathbed.

Don't waste too much precious time on people who will abuse it. Grandparents be damned. If they are going to be no support to your mum (who sounds lovely) then I'm on the "Fuck-um" bus.

Wishing you peace and to be surrounded in comforting love Flowers.

Passmethecrisps · 10/03/2019 22:19

If you do put up with the visit, would it be guaranteed that your mum wouldn’t have to put up with years of snide comments?

Will your mum care about the comments?

Yolande7 · 10/03/2019 22:23

I am very sorry for your situation.

Could you stay emotionally detached or would this bring up feelings in you? I assume the latter. Your needs very clearly top their's and your mum's. So if their visit would arouse or upset you in the slightest, I would keep them away. Your mum is an adult and am sure can find excuses.

Their bigotry and hypocracy are their problem and you and your mum should not have to deal with that in such difficult times. I admire your strength.

IlluminatiConfirmed · 10/03/2019 22:24

It's possible to feel well when some members of the family plan to visit but suddenly feel very tired when other people are planning to visit. Everyone has good days and bad days, happens all the time, no?

Sending love and peace x

cranstonmanor · 10/03/2019 22:29

Would it make a difference to anyone's opinion if I said they were my grandparents?

God, no. My mum refused to see her own brother on her deathbed. He didn't visit in the 25 years prior and when she was dying he suddenly wanted to see her. We actually loved telling him no on her behalf.

Please be a bit selfish and make yourself as comfortable as possible. You sound lovely and I hope that your lasting time on earth will be in peace and together with your parents. Good luck to you.

Orangecookie · 10/03/2019 22:29

Sending hugs and warmth. This is your time, your wishes are to be respected, your Mum can make an excuse if it helps her, but please do what you want. Flowers

Celeriacacaca · 10/03/2019 22:31

As others have said, it's your time and if they're not worthy of it then that's something they'll just have to accept and deal with. I'm annoyed for you that you're even having to think about it. Sending you peace.

Almost40andweeping · 10/03/2019 22:37

Oh babes, so sorry you are suffering with such an illness. My heart aches for anyone who knows their time is limited. Your time is precious and spend it with those you want to be with. Fuck anyone else’s feelings. Sending you much love x

carrotflinger · 10/03/2019 22:38

You don't have to have anyone there you don't want.
When my Mum was dying there were some relatives she just didn't want to see. She didn't want them seeing her like that and hanging around like ghouls making a scene.
It was hard for us to refuse them a visit but that's what we did. My Dad just kept telling them she wasn't up to visitors.
The Macmillan nurse told her that it was her death and she could choose whatever she did or didn't want to happen and that others would just have to respect her wishes (like it or lump it sort of thing).

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/03/2019 22:40

I'm very sorry to hear of your condition, Budgie - and while part of me thinks you should consider your mum's feelings, I think most of me says "No, have whom you want and them only".

If they come, and they cause upset to you or your mum while they're there, that will only create MORE problems for your mum at a time when she really doesn't need them. She wants to focus on you, seeing you being cared for properly at such a sad time - she doesn't want you upset and she doesn't want to BE upset herself, which would also upset you.

And so I think your best option is to continue to refuse to see them - your mum isn't going to get support from them afterwards anyway, so it's not going to materially affect anything once you're gone.

Love and strength to you and your parents Thanks xx

TatianaLarina · 10/03/2019 22:41

Night OP, hope you sleep ok.

FWIW one of my best friends recently died of cancer only 6 months or so after diagnosis. She chose to tell only close family and a few of her friends she was dying because she couldn’t face endless bedside dramas.

If people are intelligent and kind they will understand and respect the person’s wishes. If they’re not... they can fuck off, no?

LouLou789 · 10/03/2019 22:44

I am so sad to hear about your illness. Absolutely do it your way, don’t have ANYONE there you don’t want, use the time and energy on your special people xx

DoJo · 10/03/2019 22:48

You seem to know your own mind, so you will make the right decision - there is no wrong one because you can do whatever you want for whatever reason you choose and it will be the right one for you.

PeachesPlumsPears · 10/03/2019 22:51

I wish you a peaceful journey, and when you get there, give my darling sister a massive hug

This made me teary - what a beautiful thing to say Overtheborder

To both of you
Flowers Flowers & hugs

StoppinBy · 10/03/2019 22:52

I agree with PP's that if it will benefit your Mum to allow the visit then I would do so, consider it a gift to her and not for your visitors benefit at all.

You are not being unfair though to refuse the visit should you wish to.

Pepsioften100 · 10/03/2019 22:53

Excuse the bluntness but...
See who the hell you want and don’t force yourself to waste precious time on ones you don’t want to see.
Plus anyone who gives a women who’s losing her daughter grief is not family worth having.

Sorry to hear that you’re going through this and even more sorry that this kind of crap is occupying your time and energy!

FriendofBudgie · 10/03/2019 23:01

My mum wants to invite them, to avoid any family awkwardness

If this is the only reason she wants to invite them it would be a 'no' from me.
If she would get some kind of emotional strength from having them visit it would be a 'maybe'. Would your mum feel glad or happy that they had an opportunity to see you?

What does your Dad think? Does he think your mum would feel better if they visited? And by better, I don't mean "thank goodness that's over," I mean would she be more at peace?

I would suggest it's very much your house too! x

Jb291 · 10/03/2019 23:04

Hope your rest is peaceful OP. May you drift away into deep sleep and know nothing but love on your final journey.

Bettyspants · 10/03/2019 23:05

OP, this is YOUR decision to do what's best for YOU. I agree from what you've said there's some who want to be seen as doing good, but for their benifit. I had a friend in a similar position to you. She only had people visit who she knew loved her and genuinely cared. Her parents were bit iffy about this at the time but now completely agree with her thoughts and with hindsight would have been more supportive. Your time is precious, and so are you.

BookWitch · 10/03/2019 23:06

I am sorry to hear of your prognosis OP.
When my dad was terminally ill, his sisters wanted to visit. He was brought up separately from them and they were never close.
In his final days they announced they were coming to stay (my poor mum had never even met one of them). Classic death vultures - a phrase I have learnt in this thread and it so accurate. When we said sorry, dad is no longer having "visitors", they posted all over FB how pissed off they were etc etc. (Fortunately my mum never saw those posts, but me and my sister did). Neither of them came to the funeral and have never been in touch since.

I think my point is OP, don't worry about someone else's feelings, times like these can bring out the worst in people.

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