Worrying things DP/ex said last night

[Orangecookie]

I’m worried about some of the things exDP said in an argument last night. It was about how to separate, he was saying that I should not get full custody and that I should stop playing the victim. He said, not for the first time, that I’m controlling, that I need professional help, that he’s scared of me and walking on eggshells. He says he’s scared of being even 5 mins late home at night.

He had been shouting at me and I had been crying. He also said that he’s felt so bad about all this that he got mental health problems last year and had to have professional counseling. The implication is that I’ve caused this.

I’m coming on AIBU for traffic and because I posted before and got good advice. We are in a stressful situation, both living in the same house but the relationship has ended.

I’d resigned myself to living with exDP for the next 1.5 years for some big reasons: eldest DS is in final years of school; youngest is in a good special school. Ideally exDP would move out, and I’ve asked him to in the past, even temporarily, however it’s his house and he won’t move. He massively procrastinates about any alternative and I do not have the financial power to do this myself. Some pertinent issues:

• ILs despise me, have tried to alienate me from young DS, and are a chorus for the me being controlling and unstable brigade. I’ve distanced myself and DS.
• exDP owns the house and will not move out. I cannot claim benefits for rent. I am a sahm providing DSs care.
• I thought that I’d wait until eldest finished school and then move to be with my support network and family. They live 200 miles away and unfortunately in another country. Which obviously complicates things. ExDP has accepted that if we break up that’s where I’d go, but I fear he will change his mind.
• Older DS is adamant he does not want to move, and wants to finish school in this area.

I would like to be able to stay in the house or alternative until eldest finishes school, and then leave with kids to my families. If we live apart but the same town then I don’t want DS alienated from me by ILs. I’ve been upfront with DP about this, however I worry that I’m going to be trapped here and that perhaps exDP is more unstable than I thought, and could staying here together become emotionally unsafe? Yet what are my options? I’m not sure I have any. I am trying to think straight. ExDP has been very clear that I can’t just leave and take DS. I’ve suggested mediation again but I don’t hold out much hope that this is going to massively help.

ILs hate me because they are domineering and bossy - they constantly criticised me behind my back and I just never realized until exDP left me one time, (he was cross I’d asked him to work with me over an issue about DS) and stayed at his sisters, must have said goodness knows, and it ramped up big time. Again I had no idea I was so hated until I realized that they never visited or responded to me, and were openly hostile so much so that his mother ignored me in the street.

Yet all that time were also ramping up their contact with young DS, giving him presents, and asking exDP to visit with him every weekend. I found it unsettling and then very worrying. I talked to exDP, who agree that they were being bullies towards me and had a word with his mother. The result of which meant that they told exDP I was absolutely out of order and in a huge one off family event got exDP to help out, insisted young DS be there, but explicitly said I was not invited ‘to protect their mother’. Older DS of course, not being their family, not invited either.

If he were to get split custody wouldn't that be a good thing as he would responsible for ds and would be forced to work out child care for his sn's? What is your biggest fear about split custody?

That he gives care to his sister who not only hates me but has, to me, an unhealthy competitive interest in being in charge of DS, yet doesn’t actually bond that well, he goes nuts and it’s very very hyped up at her house. She once insisted I relax by letting her look after DS for 10 mins a few years ago outside in our front garden. I looked out and she was talking to someone while he ran out into the road and I had to dart out and get him. She has no interest in what he really needs. Oh it’s a nightmare thinking about that.

Spoke to women’s aid. Eventually got through. They were really nice. I told them exDP said I was controlling, told them lots, they said he’s building a case and sounded very controlling and that I needed to see an outreach worker.

The staying with sister and iLs thing rings bells. Have you posted about him before?

If so, you really need to leave. And if it were me, I'd move far away from the lot of them.

There is a free legal aid service in Ireland and a family mediation service www.legalaidboard.ie/en/
You should be entitled to free legal aid.

Yes posted before about SIL, it really alerted me to the toxic nature of it. ExDP would push me to ‘get my hair done’ or go out and he’d take DS straight to SILs all afternoon, every weekend, but would lie and say it was the park. Of course if I complained he’d say he had to hide it as I was so controlling. SIL pushed that I needed therapy. I found it insidious.

Thanks WA gave me contacts. They also said clearly that I could leave with the kids. ExDP is absolutely adamant that I cannot leave with DS.

Were you speaking to WA just about moving out in general, or about removing them from the country? It's usually two different things.

I have no plan so I was just describing my situation. I know I can’t take them out of the country without his permission, although he has given this before. ExDP has been telling me I can’t go full stop, anywhere, with the kids until we’ve agreed everything through solicitors. He says I can go, but the kids can’t.

Well, now you know you can, so get the wheels in motion.

Op the housing situation in Ireland is dire and if you're in Dublin you will not get a council flat or house. If you're in the West, it is possible. But honestly, if you need to move out, you need to focus on getting a job first and foremost. Not many landlords take HAP.

I feel for you OP.

Sounds like my abusive ex gaslighting me. I've supported many women through leaving partners/through court and he's not saying anything new, abusive partners all use the same textbook.

I found this on benefits for ROI

www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/social_welfare_payments_to_families_and_children/one_parent_family_payment.html

Is there any organisation in ROI that can offer advice/help/support? I have found this, don't know if its of use?

www.safeireland.ie/get-help/where-to-find-help/

How old is your eldest? I hear what you say about your youngest, SEN and it leaves you only 10 hours to work a week.

Btw its standard for a abusive partner to threaten to take 'custody' (its actually residency now) of the children, and say you are abusive. That old chestnut...you are currently the main carer of the children, therefore the default position of a court is not 50/50, it is residency with the main carer, and EOW plus one weekday with non resident parent. This gives the children stability.

This is a link for legal aid, that you may be able to apply for to pay a solicitor

www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/legal-aid-schemes

This is free legal advice from volunteer lawyers, they may be your best bet to contact first and to get some reassurance.

www.flac.ie/help/centres/

Oh and his family WILL side with him and will want to take control of the children. Him and the SIL...mmm seen and heard all that before too. Hence you need to be getting some legal advice on how to extricate yourself. If you want to. I do understand how hard it is. It does sound like he and his family are trying to turn your children against you? Its called 'alienation'. My ex and his family tried it on our eldest child. She wants nothing to do with him or his family now.

OP - from your first post it was clear to me that the abuser in this relationship isn’t you. Unfortunately, many people who post in this forum are very black and white and your situation doesn’t fit that. Do start another thread in relationships where you will get support from people who get it, including women who will have made the break from an ex like yours.

You are not in the wrong, he has cornered and trapped you with promises of marriage and security and a special needs child is the icing on the cake because it limits your opportunities to meet others, earn your own money etc.

You will be OK but do shift this to the right forum where you will get the help you deserve.

Well, he can't hold you prisoner! And he can't stop you from taking the DC, unless he's watching you 24/7. Does he never go out?

Concentrate on searching out shelters or emergency housing. Seek out what legal assistance you can.

Once you've got that done, pack a couple of small bags with clothing for about two or three days for you and DC, any meds, and important papers like birth certs and passports. Hide the bags. If you don't think you can hide them, then take the items and put them in a back corner of a bottom drawer, where they'd be easy to gather up in a jiffy. Try to scrape together (and hide) enough money for taxi or bus fare to whatever accommodation you've manage to find. The minute he leaves you alone, cut and run. Get away, call a taxi and GO.

Honest to God, you and DC would be better off in a shelter than living how you are now.

This isn't easy. You're going to have to be brave and step out of your fear. Although you probably can't go to your family, be sure they know what's going on.

Thank you @acrossthepond I’m not sure about emergency shelter - ive got an outreach worker coming, and will go through options. I guess I’m not high safety risk at the moment? I don’t want to scupper any custody battle.

@canileavenow it’s just a huge relief to be given your perspective. His whole family believe / want to believe I’m the awful one. ExDP once even said well so many people have a problem with me it must be me? And yet coincidentally all the people who dislike me are his family and his female friend even said I had stopped him from seeing her. Yet my family and friends don’t have a problem with me at all.

@cordless so so kind of you with all the info. I have a share in uk which I can’t access but which may mean I, not eligible for many benefits, so it’s a bit tricky for me and I’ve asked citizens advise and they were nonplussed. When I tried to access rent help before, when I first arrived, I was refused.

@motoko and nollaig thank you. The rent is dire I’m not in Dublin and don’t want to totally put myself but it’s very bad here too. It’s such a mess I’ve so many things like transport to school all tied up with where I am - wish I didn’t have to move. Last year exDP promised he’d move out temporarily but never happened.

I’ve booked a solicitor but ones around are rubbish to be honest. Looking to Dublin for one.

I think he is gaslighting you. As for not married well neither were my parents and my mum was the cause of the break up dad helped her with the place and he got his own. She was the mother of his kids and fair is fair he would say. Some of the advice on here is horrendous but considering the times we are in not surprising. It maybe his house and no legal rights but any one wouldn't just kick someone out without helping the mother of the child find elsewhere. Many married couples end up very badly and it gets bitter and nasty with property and finances and it's not always the woman that gets what she is entitled to.

Thanks @sockmomster I think he is gaslighting me and he believes it himself. I think his thinking is to put himself in the best light. I think that is one of the reasons he’s not left the house. His reasoning is that I am not ready to end things.

He does not want to give up anything. Now he can do what he likes, full control, seeing his son. Making me leave is going to dent this image of good guy.

Your latest update reminds me of my ex, who believed everything thing he said about me, he would propound it on an evening. He would also tell me what I was thinking too ie in your case, he said 'i am not ready to end things' . How does he know that? Is he Derren Brown per chance?

Ex also used to tell me I had psychological issues. Thats another common thing. The reason you get on with friends and family is probably because they are normal? And don't have weird controlling ideas about you and your children?

He's ticking all the boxes for gaslighting and abuse, and his family (its where he gets it from).

I also find when women/men start making revelations about their ex...its just the tip of the iceberg and much worse stuff has gone on.

Why don't you post up a new thread on the Relationships board, asking for support/help to separate? Might need to specify where you are just so people know. Also try legal? Might be someone in there who knows ROI benefits and legal system?

@cordless thanks, wow so many similarities. He always tells me what I think. When he called me controlling he was saying I never admit to my faults. I said I do have some of course, and letting myself be treated poorly was one of them. He laughed! I only have the faults he’s decided.

His father was an alcoholic who left everything to his favoured son, which wasn’t exDP. Dysfunctional family but they do close ranks. Good idea to put in relationships. I’ll gather more info this week and next and post again when I know my motivation will weaken, to keep me pushing through this time.