Worrying things DP/ex said last night

[Orangecookie]

I’m worried about some of the things exDP said in an argument last night. It was about how to separate, he was saying that I should not get full custody and that I should stop playing the victim. He said, not for the first time, that I’m controlling, that I need professional help, that he’s scared of me and walking on eggshells. He says he’s scared of being even 5 mins late home at night.

He had been shouting at me and I had been crying. He also said that he’s felt so bad about all this that he got mental health problems last year and had to have professional counseling. The implication is that I’ve caused this.

I’m coming on AIBU for traffic and because I posted before and got good advice. We are in a stressful situation, both living in the same house but the relationship has ended.

I’d resigned myself to living with exDP for the next 1.5 years for some big reasons: eldest DS is in final years of school; youngest is in a good special school. Ideally exDP would move out, and I’ve asked him to in the past, even temporarily, however it’s his house and he won’t move. He massively procrastinates about any alternative and I do not have the financial power to do this myself. Some pertinent issues:

• ILs despise me, have tried to alienate me from young DS, and are a chorus for the me being controlling and unstable brigade. I’ve distanced myself and DS.
• exDP owns the house and will not move out. I cannot claim benefits for rent. I am a sahm providing DSs care.
• I thought that I’d wait until eldest finished school and then move to be with my support network and family. They live 200 miles away and unfortunately in another country. Which obviously complicates things. ExDP has accepted that if we break up that’s where I’d go, but I fear he will change his mind.
• Older DS is adamant he does not want to move, and wants to finish school in this area.

I would like to be able to stay in the house or alternative until eldest finishes school, and then leave with kids to my families. If we live apart but the same town then I don’t want DS alienated from me by ILs. I’ve been upfront with DP about this, however I worry that I’m going to be trapped here and that perhaps exDP is more unstable than I thought, and could staying here together become emotionally unsafe? Yet what are my options? I’m not sure I have any. I am trying to think straight. ExDP has been very clear that I can’t just leave and take DS. I’ve suggested mediation again but I don’t hold out much hope that this is going to massively help.

He won’t be able to go mainstream for at least 5 years, possibly the whole of schooling, so I’ve been told. I did refuse to put carers into his bank. He won’t pay for therapies, I did ask, so that I could work, he said we didn’t have the money despite him being a high earner.

What does he think will happen with ds if you leave? Talk to a lawyer and yes you need to get out. It's his home. A lawyer can give you better advice.

Where do you live?

I though Carers Allowance and Child benefit were only payable to those who live in the UK.

I actually think the only way you can get some input is if you move out and claim whatever you can in the country you live.

He won’t pay for therapies, I did ask, so that I could work, he said we didn’t have the money despite him being a high earner.

Well, let's see what he says when push comes to shove and you're back at work.

It sounds as though you have unthinkingly acceded to all his guidance here, ignoring the obvious fact that everything has been set up in his favour. No risk to his financial situation, he has a house, a career that he has been able to pursue uninterrupted even with a child with special needs, no distractions, no nothing. He was probably stunned when you pushed back about him being incommunicado all day that time he was late. He's probably forgotten you were even there.

You need to push back and out yourself first for a bit here and get set up and independent of him. Your son's therapies have to take a back seat (you haven't mentioned what they are? Are they permanent?) to allow this. Your ex will have to share the cost when you move out. If he got 50/50 custody he'd be in for a bit of a surprise.

OP, we can only give general advice, because you're not in the UK. It would have been better if you'd put that in your first post, because you're going to keep getting people giving you help from a UK perspective.

Please tell us what country you actually live in, as somebody else may live there and can signpost you to the relevant help.

But, you are going to have to leave, don't drag it out, or things will get worse.

Op is clearly in an emotionally abusive and financially controlling relationship ffs. Abuse doesn't have to be violent. Op speak to WA again. On the sly when he is not in
Also we don't know her son's needs and disability so why are people minimising her caring duties?

Go home to your family. Really, truly, you need to get yourself and your children out of that toxic situation.

Your son doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to see that this situation is bad for him and for you, and he shouldn’t be given the responsibility for important decisions like this. It’s an unfair burden on him, and it’s one that he may regret later.

You need to make a good, positive start for yourself and your children. This is not a good man, he is not a decent father, and you need to make a move now rather than later.

Also we don't know her son's needs and disability so why are people minimising her caring duties?

Because they've decided that her ex is the victim, and they've either not read her posts correctly, or are ignoring what she's said about her son.

It's AIBU, some people like giving the OP a kicking.

Yes I need to go back to WA and have some more conversations. Thank you. I’ve been thinking of so many options, I feel the need to move away I think I’ve legitimate worries about being dominated by ILs during the separation.

I don't think yabu.

What does he suggest you do? Have you asked him?

It really doesn't sound as if he has any solutions for you and is just throwing blame at you.

If he wants 50/50 how will arrange his work to care for ds and provide therapies? Or will he pay someone? Has he even thought about the practicalities of having 50 50 care alone with ds and providing for all his needs?

It’s clear he’s financially abusive otherwise he would ensure you are financially secure. Expecting you to put the allowances into his bank account ffs when he is the sole earner and you have no access to funds beyond what he decides to give you.

I don't understand how WA can help you if you're not in the UK, unless they have places in the country you're in.

Are you in Ireland?

I'm wondering if OP is in ROI too.

He’s sent me a long email saying he’s sorry he’s shouted, that he will get help. That he can’t be in a situation again where he is provoked however in front of his son and therefore I need to speak to him through a solicitor only.

It was the kind of email that seems written to enhance his custody case and it looks like he had help with it. It was cold and very formal. I feel quite quite worried now that he’s going to go for as much as he can custody wise.

Yes in Roi

That he can’t be in a situation again where he is provoked however in front of his son and therefore I need to speak to him through a solicitor only.

Frankly, I agree with this. Since he's so easily 'provoked' and unable to control himself it's better if you don't have direct contact. For your sake, not his!

Just to clarify... Are you married? Or now divorced? Or never married and have children together? Is it a joint mortgage? Did you put into the deposit? Do you pay some bills?
Haven't read the whole thread but legally if the kids are under 18 he can't kick you out. I had a similar situ but no kids involved and was surprised what I had rights to.... Get legal advice, you will be surprised at what your entitlements are

He's being very generous allowing you to stay in his home

Nonsense. He needs OP to look after the youngest child. People who suggest she should get a job have failed to note that he's only in school in the mornings.

People who suggest she should get a job have failed to note that he's only in school in the mornings.

She has to get a job. She is an educated woman with a professional career behind her, who has put herself in a vulnerable position by giving up her home & job to care for a child without the legal security of marriage. She has no claim on her ex-partner's property and can't live on thin air. She has to get a job and find appropriate childcare.

The biggest obstacle really is that if she is in Dublin, rent is utterly insane at the moment, but equally, there are plenty of jobs, and she is skilled.

Her lifestyle and that of her child has to change, but that can't be avoided unless she reconciled with her ex, which doesn't seem likely.

Her lifestyle and that of her child has to change, but that can't be avoided unless she reconciled with her ex, which doesn't seem likely.

Her child has care needs as they have a disability severe enough, that the child goes to a school for children with special needs, and. Only in the morning. This is not a lifestyle choice. She is his carer, she cannot just stop being a carer.

I feel very, very low today . Thank you for all the advice. I’m taking the dog for a long walk and have the WA number to call again later. I replied to him that until we separate that it’s probably best NC as he’s made serious accusations about my negative effect on him. I don’t believe it’s true I control him but he believes it does, and the narrative about me being like this whilst talking about custody scares the life out of me.

She is his carer but how she organises her finances now will be her responsibility and if she’s not able to work she’ll be relying on any benefits she can get and maintenance from her ex. She has no claim on the house and won’t qualify for spousal as they never married.

Yes I’ve been trying to hold on to best care for DS1 + final school DS2 - this thread is making me realize it is impossible not to hugely impact the kids - I have so little options - I move / work. Both lose out. But we can’t stay here.

This is a horrible situation - for your kids. Tell him you'll move out but will need help with rent until you get on your own feet, then don't just use him. Make an effort. Use day care for your younger DS until you are on your feet. He'll cope. Older DS will make up his own mind and it would be wrong for you to override his decision. You say your IL's hate you - do you know why? I imagine this situation isn't helping. BUT get a solicitor involved so you can get access agreed legally. You will almost certainly find that things become much more amicable once you're both not squabbling under the same roof.