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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worrying things DP/ex said last night

120 replies

Orangecookie · 10/03/2019 16:02

I’m worried about some of the things exDP said in an argument last night. It was about how to separate, he was saying that I should not get full custody and that I should stop playing the victim. He said, not for the first time, that I’m controlling, that I need professional help, that he’s scared of me and walking on eggshells. He says he’s scared of being even 5 mins late home at night.

He had been shouting at me and I had been crying. He also said that he’s felt so bad about all this that he got mental health problems last year and had to have professional counseling. The implication is that I’ve caused this.

I’m coming on AIBU for traffic and because I posted before and got good advice. We are in a stressful situation, both living in the same house but the relationship has ended.

I’d resigned myself to living with exDP for the next 1.5 years for some big reasons: eldest DS is in final years of school; youngest is in a good special school. Ideally exDP would move out, and I’ve asked him to in the past, even temporarily, however it’s his house and he won’t move. He massively procrastinates about any alternative and I do not have the financial power to do this myself. Some pertinent issues:

• ILs despise me, have tried to alienate me from young DS, and are a chorus for the me being controlling and unstable brigade. I’ve distanced myself and DS.
• exDP owns the house and will not move out. I cannot claim benefits for rent. I am a sahm providing DSs care.
• I thought that I’d wait until eldest finished school and then move to be with my support network and family. They live 200 miles away and unfortunately in another country. Which obviously complicates things. ExDP has accepted that if we break up that’s where I’d go, but I fear he will change his mind.
• Older DS is adamant he does not want to move, and wants to finish school in this area.

I would like to be able to stay in the house or alternative until eldest finishes school, and then leave with kids to my families. If we live apart but the same town then I don’t want DS alienated from me by ILs. I’ve been upfront with DP about this, however I worry that I’m going to be trapped here and that perhaps exDP is more unstable than I thought, and could staying here together become emotionally unsafe? Yet what are my options? I’m not sure I have any. I am trying to think straight. ExDP has been very clear that I can’t just leave and take DS. I’ve suggested mediation again but I don’t hold out much hope that this is going to massively help.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 10/03/2019 17:31

Ok. Well I still dont see why you think he should move out of his own home.

Original poster

Orangecookie · 10/03/2019 17:34

Thanks @dishing good advice. I do sway a little I must admit, I’ve phoned up WA once but just chatted briefly. Calling it abuse seems like a huge step, and honestly I do still admire and like a lot about exDP. I just worry hugely what and who I’ve been turned into and also worry a LOT about being stuck and also a LOT about ILs and toxicity. DS and me need an untainted relationship and I’m so scared EOW will become a nightmare - I’ve had to spend days getting back DSs trust as he’s acted out after ILs, I’ve had to redress DS fighting others out of the blue because he had unsupervised time (which of course I can’t prove but I do think this happened) with other kids in ILs house. The stress of it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangecookie · 10/03/2019 17:36

No I don’t think he will leave. I just don’t know what to do. I thought I’d be able to just about get through this year.

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 10/03/2019 17:36

drip, drip, drip

I have no idea what posters expect to be doled out in the way of advice when 3 pages in they announce they aren't in the UK and all advisory posts are based on English/British law and on the welfare system. WHY do people do this ? If they want advice on eg Uzbekistan laws, post on one of their (legal) forums.

Whisky2014 · 10/03/2019 17:38

Was that women's aid in the UK you called?

What I want to know is why you think it's acceptable to ask him to move out of his own home?

Missingstreetlife · 10/03/2019 17:39

Sounds like you don't want to leave. Get legal advice. You will get maintainance for youngest. Start setting it up.

Original poster

Orangecookie · 10/03/2019 17:40

I’m not in legal. I wanted to get a sense of how bad my situation was and whether to look for more drastic action, to leave very soon, or somehow find a way to do this more gradually.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 10/03/2019 17:41

Well does your ex want you out? If he's scared of you surely he does...So probably go asap?

crosspelican · 10/03/2019 17:43

You seem unwilling to compromise and I think you have to here.

You already know you made a massive mistake giving up your home and job without the security of marriage, but hindsight is no use to you now.

Do you still have the equity from your house?

You physically can't stay as you are now, and you can't tell him to leave his home because your relationship has broken down. We can't tell from your posts who is in the wrong and who is in the right, and it doesn't actually have any bearing on the situation anyway.

You need a job and a home, first and foremost, so you need a job. You simply have to compromise on your son's care for the time being - you don't actually have a choice here, so stop agonising about it. When you leave and are working, your son's father will have to pay over maintenance for his child every month, and you may be able to get a nanny or special needs childminder for afternoons.

What was your job before? Are your qualifications still valid and relevant? Are you in a city/location where you can actually find a full time job doing your thing?

Your ex HAS to share the burden of care with you - it's not all on your shoulders when you leave, so don't use that as a reason to stay.

Can a family member come to stay with you for a few months to ease the transition?

Outnotdown · 10/03/2019 17:48

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in op. I would seek legal advice if you can, are there any free legal advice centres where you are ? You need to understand what you will be able to ask for in a court.

Talk to your eldest, and take his views on board. Explain to him that your family life will be changing, that you love him dearly, and that if he thinks he would be best living with his dad, you will try to accommodate that (if it's safe for him).

Figure out what you need to do to accomplish moving to your family. And make a step by step plan to get there. So: schools, accommodation, money- how will you access these?

AnyOldPrion · 10/03/2019 17:48

Are there any crisis centres/shelters near you?

Is your partner bullying you or the children?

Has he ever been violent to any person or object?

If DS is your son and not your partners, you can’t leave him.

What happens next depends where you are and how helpful the country you’re living in are towards women in difficult circumstances.

RedDogsBeg · 10/03/2019 17:48

You DO need legal advice and help it is the only way to sort out the vulnerable mess you and your children (particularly the eldest) are in.

Your situation is very bad, you need to address it asap and find a solution for the sake of your children.

HopefullyAnonymous · 10/03/2019 17:48

If he’s your ex, why do you think you have a right to comment/text/be even slightly miffed at what time he gets home? You’re living rent free in his house and refusing to leave. If someone posted that their male ex partner was doing the same it would be labelled all kinds of abuse.

AnyOldPrion · 10/03/2019 17:49

You can’t leave your son behind, is what I meant. Not that you can’t leave your husband.

Stargazer888 · 10/03/2019 17:52

Where is your oldest ds's partner? Is your dp ok with him staying in the home if you leave? Do they have a good relationship?

It sounds like for whatever reason he is uncomfortable with you in the home and it is his so you need to leave. He will need to provide some financial support but you will also have to step back and accept that you need to go back to work.

CKoRn · 10/03/2019 17:53

''The reasons he’s been giving that this hasn’t happened is that we weren’t happy or stable enough, and that if we were happy he’d put me on the mortgage. '' Yeah, that doesn't sound controlling or manipulative at all...

Do you have family you can stay with? You'll need to try and get some financial support to leave and do precisely that.
Reading all of this has highlighted the importance of not blindly trusting anyone, no matter how much you may love them.

funinthesun19 · 10/03/2019 17:56

I think he’s gaslighting you. Calling you abusive and controlling and playing the victim when it’s probably him who is those things. He’s the one in a better position than you and he’s got all the power via money and his house. If you were who he says you are he would use those advantages to make you leave but he hasn’t.

funinthesun19 · 10/03/2019 17:58

Basically he knows you are in a vulnerable position and will use this to his advantage to get what he wants. That starts with the gas lighting behaviour.

Yabbers · 10/03/2019 17:58

Which exDP says I should not have in my bank account but in his.
Carers allowance is paid to a carer. Why does DP say it should be in his account.

therapies I have to do
What therapies need to happen every day for half a day?

MadCatEnthusiast · 10/03/2019 17:59

...to be with my support network and family. They live 200 miles away and unfortunately in another country.

I took this to mean OP lives in the UK but her parents are in another country 200 miles away like France or NL.

Original poster

Orangecookie · 10/03/2019 18:02

He says I’m not contributing to the family purse by not putting my carers allowance into his bank account. I have a card but not allowed to view the account.

OP posts:

crosspelican · 10/03/2019 18:03

If you were in an unmarried relationship that was a bit shaky but needed to be a cohabiting one because your shared child had special needs why would you want to put your partner on your mortgage, especially if they weren't insisting? Not unreasonable to say "I haven't done it because we're not in a stable relationship - if we were, I would do it."

Also, I'm not sure suggesting a shelter is appropriate here - she hasn't said a single thing to suggest she is being abused, just that she is breaking up with her partner and it's unpleasant. Please don't paint it as the OP being in physical danger from her ex and urgently needing to escape his abusive clutches - she hasn't said anything to suggest that.

He says she is unreasonable, she says he is unreasonable. She knows she has zero rights in her current situation, and she just asked for advice on what to do next.

Original poster

Orangecookie · 10/03/2019 18:04

Different therapies. All set up / supervised by professionals but carried out by me. Also some actual schooling as even special school cannot get DS to do anything academic.

OP posts:

crosspelican · 10/03/2019 18:06

Which exDP says I should not have in my bank account but in his.

This is the worst thing you've said of him, OP - I hope you told him to piss off? Is he one of these people that feels you need to be paying your way even though you are providing literally 10's of thousands of £ worth of care for his special needs child?

What is the nature of your child's needs?how old? Will he be able to go to mainstream school?

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 10/03/2019 18:07

In your shoes I’d contact shelter and CAB for advice about your situation. You really need to. You have no legal right to be in the house and he could kick you out at any time, not to mention it must be hell living in that environment for all of you including the children.

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