Worrying things DP/ex said last night

[Orangecookie]

I’m worried about some of the things exDP said in an argument last night. It was about how to separate, he was saying that I should not get full custody and that I should stop playing the victim. He said, not for the first time, that I’m controlling, that I need professional help, that he’s scared of me and walking on eggshells. He says he’s scared of being even 5 mins late home at night.

He had been shouting at me and I had been crying. He also said that he’s felt so bad about all this that he got mental health problems last year and had to have professional counseling. The implication is that I’ve caused this.

I’m coming on AIBU for traffic and because I posted before and got good advice. We are in a stressful situation, both living in the same house but the relationship has ended.

I’d resigned myself to living with exDP for the next 1.5 years for some big reasons: eldest DS is in final years of school; youngest is in a good special school. Ideally exDP would move out, and I’ve asked him to in the past, even temporarily, however it’s his house and he won’t move. He massively procrastinates about any alternative and I do not have the financial power to do this myself. Some pertinent issues:

• ILs despise me, have tried to alienate me from young DS, and are a chorus for the me being controlling and unstable brigade. I’ve distanced myself and DS.
• exDP owns the house and will not move out. I cannot claim benefits for rent. I am a sahm providing DSs care.
• I thought that I’d wait until eldest finished school and then move to be with my support network and family. They live 200 miles away and unfortunately in another country. Which obviously complicates things. ExDP has accepted that if we break up that’s where I’d go, but I fear he will change his mind.
• Older DS is adamant he does not want to move, and wants to finish school in this area.

I would like to be able to stay in the house or alternative until eldest finishes school, and then leave with kids to my families. If we live apart but the same town then I don’t want DS alienated from me by ILs. I’ve been upfront with DP about this, however I worry that I’m going to be trapped here and that perhaps exDP is more unstable than I thought, and could staying here together become emotionally unsafe? Yet what are my options? I’m not sure I have any. I am trying to think straight. ExDP has been very clear that I can’t just leave and take DS. I’ve suggested mediation again but I don’t hold out much hope that this is going to massively help.

The two are different things, though, and not mutually exclusive. You can be powerless financially and feel little to no agency in your immediate situation, and potentially also be controlling and/or abusive (or maybe toxic is a better term) within a relationship dynamic.

Not saying you are, just saying it’s not one or the other.

I agree with other poster(s) - unfortunately you can’t let your son drive this decision, it’s not his to make. If the situation is untenable then you need to do what you can to change it. And not by expecting your ex-DP to give you his house to live in (unless the children are all his in which case I would an argument that that would a reasonable expectation, however that’s neither here nor there since you’ve said he’s not ever going to agree to that).

I’m unsure why you can’t rent or claim benefits?
OP meant benefits that would help cover rent as she's technically living rent free at her ex/DP's house

I gave up a full time job to look after our child, and my own house.

I am in fact the one who has no control and pretty vulnerable.

Unfortunately, OP, you placed yourself and your children in this vulnerable position, what you need to concentrate on now is how to remedy this.

His reasoning for me being controlling is that he is scared of doing anything I don’t like. For example he says he’s scared of being late. He’s late most nights to be honest, often only just getting in just before DS needs to go to bed, which he likes to do. It’s the only time of day he sees him. I just leave that tbh, as he works hard and it’s stressful.

However there are two recent times where I got annoyed about him being late. I didn’t shout, just was obviously annoyed. Once because I texted him about something important at 10am, and he didn’t reply at all, or to my later calls (he usually always does), and then was also late, home at 8pm. He got very cross with me for being annoyed, and I said tbh I was also really worried and thought something had happened to him. He apologised, I apologised, within 10 mins, it all seemed fine.

The other recent time was when we had DS to an appointment, and we were very late because he got caught in traffic. I said fine, but that to remember I can make my own arrangements if his work is too busy, that I understood.

I don’t know where the fear comes in?

The reason why you are advised to post in Relationships OP (report and asked to be moved) is people on there generally have lots of good advice, e.g., if you can't do A maybe you can do B and so on. Whereas here people seem to delight in other people's misery.

You need to get legal advice; it may not be good news but you need to hear it from a professional, also speak to Women's Aid and Shelter. Make a plan, find out what your options are.

My hopefully STBXH is controlling and he would say exactly the same. He's gaslighting you.

But @MadCatEnthusiast she won't be renting as part of a couple at his house. She will go to the council, explain that she's had to leave if he's gaslighting her then strictly speaking she's fleeing domestic abuse so she will be housed and she will get full housing benefit within her universal credit. Youngest DS' disability sounds as if it's severe enough to mean he receives DLA so she will get additional premiums for that.
This is why people are asking why she says she can't leave and rent somewhere. She can. Sadly hundreds of thousands of single parents already live that lifestyle.
I wonder if the OP is not saying "I can't rent and claim benefits" but is actually saying "I'd really rather not live in temporary accommodation" which while being understandable is sadly the situation that she is in as she can't just sit there and claim occupancy of his home.

I dont think you have a right to stay in his house do you? Both kids on school, if this was a man you'd be called a cocklodger..

Yes I know I’m vulnerable and I know I got myself into this. I guess two reasons: I trusted DP and we had an agreement to marry and failing that, that my name be on the mortgage. The reasons he’s been giving that this hasn’t happened is that we weren’t happy or stable enough, and that if we were happy he’d put me on the mortgage.

The only income I now have is child benefit and small carers allowance. Which exDP says I should not have in my bank account but in his.

I know I’ve got to do something I’m just utterly caught. I know DS will go downhill if I go to work full time. Older DS is not DPs son.

Op your previous posts are more relevant- the OP is in an emotionally abusive relationship- she is the VICTIM, NOT the abuser! Her partner is projecting which is a common behaviour by abusers!

Please ask for this to be moved to relationships where more people will have read your previous posts and will have advice to support you!

I can’t get rent because of a few reasons: I’m not in uk and there are different rules.

I don't know why people are assuming you are controlling etc. But the fact is it didn't matter who is at fault here (though I believe you). What's best for both DSs is that you are secure and mentally healthy. In your position I would be doing everything I could to move out and get a job so I could live independently of this man. You may feel DS gets better care from you - but that is a you who is not living in this untenable dependent situation.

Ffs Whisky! She is a full time carer to her son! She is most definitely not a cocklodger! She is a victim of domestic abuse and being manipulated and gaslighted by her abusive partner!

Is he really frightened of you and walking on eggshells? FWIW, to me it sounds as if he's gaslighting you and that he's the one who is controlling. The examples you've given don't make you seem controlling. You just got annoyed, as we all do sometimes.

That said, it doesn't change the fact that the house is his and you're the one who will have to leave. But with your DS's needs, you'll qualify for DLA and Carer's Allowance. (You should be receiving those now; I do for my DD1, who has SEN.)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3513147-Advice-for-leaving?pg=1

Some similarities here OP, this lady was married but she didn't own the house, she managed to get local authority housing. I have only experienced control and emotional abuse but I rang the National Domestic Violence Helpline and they were brilliant, I said I felt terrible ringing them as surely they were only meant to take calls from women who had been physically abused, they said of course not - it was their advice and support that put me on the road to a good solicitor. My youngest DD is unwell one of the main reasons I am still here (last year in secondary school) but at least I know where I stand and what to do. Please ask for your thread to be moved - report your own post and ask for it to go into Relationships otherwise you will get dragged down even further on AIBU - for you

Okay, cross post. You should get DLA as well as Carer's Allowance. And he's wrong, you're the carer so of course it should go to you.

I see you are not in the UK? Are you in a country that has provision for women in abusive relationships?

Tbh though you’ve made the mistake of becoming financially dependent on a man you weren’t married to.

Even being married brings pitfalls if you decide to give up work and become a sahm fwiw but when it comes to home ownership this is crucial. (And I speak as someone who was a sahm when married and who in hindsight might not have made the same decisions again).

*ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser

Ffs Whisky! She is a full time carer to her son! She is most definitely not a cocklodger! She is a victim of domestic abuse and being manipulated and gaslighted by her abusive partner!*
Am you dont actually know that. .

youngest is in a good special school
Hardly "full time"

You are eligible for more benefits than you are claiming. If you’re providing daily therapy, you can get DLA, and that qualifies you for additional tax credits.
If you aren’t living as a couple you should be able to apply for tax credits too.
It depends though - are you cooking, cleaning etc separately?
If you move out you should get some housing benefit. It may all roll into universal credit, depending on area.
Book an apt with CAB and find out.

I’m worried as I believe he does think he’s walking on eggshells. I thought the times he said it before were just to get at me, and to stop me from asking for anything. Now it’s really hit home that he has zero trust in me as a decent stable person. It scares me to death!

I also did not know he’s been having mental health problems, and blames me, this is new to me. He won’t say what they are.

@whisky I’ve got about 10 hours a week where I can work - after drop offs etc - I earn a small amount from home but no way can I work full time without impacting on DS. Childminding would not provide therapies, which I do and do well. Even exDP would agree that DS needs my input and is one of the few things he totally backs me up 100% on.

Just to be clear, btw, from what you say say here I don’t think you are controlling or abusive, in fact I am inclined to agree that there is gaslighting going on by him. None of us will actually know for sure, of course, as we can only go by your side of the story. However, I get the sense that you need help, and for the most part I choose to believe those that come here asking for advice, and take them at face value. Especially when relationships have broken down.

So I would agree, you need to report your OP and ask MNHQ to move it to relationships.

There is always a way out, no matter how bleak things look. Luckily you do have family and a support network. My instinct is that you ought to take advantage of that sooner rather than later. Being in a home where the relationship has broken down is never great for children and I wouldn’t advise anyone to do it longterm unless they really don’t have a choice.

What provision does the country you live in have in regards to support for single parents caring for disabled children?

Is there any social/state assisted housing?

Your dp will surely have to provide financial support for your youngest son?

The issue with your eldest son is equally problematic as your current dp has no responsibility towards him whatsoever and irrespective of your son's desire to stay in the area for schooling your dp can thwart this at any time if he so chooses.

You really need to seek legal advice regarding your situation as a matter of urgency.

Would you mind saying what country you are in? Because in order to get advice that will help that would need to be known.

For example, I'm in the US. And here, you're a bit SoL unless you have friends/family or there's shelter space available and that's rare as hen's teeth for parent/child spaces, at least where I live. There's really no social safety net to help one flee an abusive relationship here.

But I have a feeling that no matter where you are, if you aren't legally married you can't make a homeowner leave their own home. It would be nice if he would consider the children, but he doesn't have to.