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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is rude for DS to get an obviously second round invite to a birthday the night before?

112 replies

Yolo89 · 10/03/2019 12:55

So the question is all in.the heading. Do you think it is rude? Would you do it if someone pulled out and you had an extra place?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/03/2019 16:13

I wont go into all the detail but the mother has deliberately excluded my DS befoure and is a game player so it is just makes me a bit miffed. All of it together!

Anyway DS went and all is fine.

I had a similar situation happen and I invited one of the party goers younget siblings. less rude imo

OP posts:
thedisorganisedmum · 10/03/2019 16:13

Picture all the actors who got famous in the movie or tv serie of the year despite being second choice, when the 1st choice declined the role for whatever reason?

Can you imagine them watching the ceremony where their own replacement (4th or 5th choice) wins and Oscar and gloating: it could have been me, but I did show them!

Winners all the way Grin

QueenOfSneakyNaps · 10/03/2019 16:17

Shock, I completely understand how you felt. Something similar happened to me when I was little and I was really upset.

However, I think it is important to to let that influence us to make assumptions which may not reflect reality. It is a huge difference between inviting 5 and inviting the whole class. We would never invite more than 3-4 from the class if a small party and then find a day that worked. If anything near half is invited, I find it cruel. However, sometimes there are space limits, sometimes some mums are closer friends. Sometimes a busy mum doesn’t realise that a friendship has developed until the child asks “is so-and-so coming?”

Or, as in my current case, I cannot get the contact details for the last few children. I am hoping to email tonight (if I can get the mum I tracked down to forward me the email addresses as she promised), if not, will write an invite for tomorrow. But one of those children could easily believe that they were one of the only ones in the class left out. This was definitely not the case. I think it is unfortunate to jump to conclusions...

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/03/2019 16:20

Personally.. I'd be quietly fed up on my DC's behalf - particularly if the mother had form for it.
I once had to listen to an awful mother in DC's class going into great detail about the delights of her DC's forthcoming birthday party, I could tell she was leading up to saying that my DC wasn't invited and tried to interrupt but she ploughed on and eventually invited my DC to a 1 hour afterschool birthday tea wth the other rejects - she went into detail about why they were rejects too. I was left to imagine what she was saying about my DC. She clearly wanted to make sure we knew how marvellous the party would be, how much her DC was looking forward to it, who the in crowd were and what my DC was missing out on. Completely unnecessary.
The upshot was that my DC wanted to go to the tea, so I kept quiet and let him go and even bought the obligatory card and present for the birthday child. My DC was happy and none the wiser, which was the most important thing, even though it left me nashing my teeth.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/03/2019 16:22

I think you will live a happier life if you don't get insulted and/or offended by stuff like this.

MyNewtMyFrogMyLittleRedDog · 10/03/2019 16:27

I have had amazing parties for my kids and have always put on the invite "if your child can't make it them please let me know ASAP so that we can offer a place to another child". That is not meant to be rude but plenty of parents have more than 1 child and would be keen to invite a sibling-but my daughter or son may not want want to invite James and their three unknown siblings....James yes. But if people can not make it then that place could be offered to somebody else. It is much better for that to happen in my opinion than to let that space go to waste. Also, with paid activities, if you book for 20, you pay for that even if 2 turn up. I would be offering the places to strangers at that point!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/03/2019 16:31

I had a similar situation happen and I invited one of the party goers younget siblings. less rude imo

God almighty, the party mum can’t win can she?

I look forward to seeing your post 1 year from now sniping and grousing about your child not being invited and “some other kids sibling that’s not even in their class” getting the golden ticket instead.

Gimme strength.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2019 16:33

You're right shockandawe and I hope whatever's going on at home, improves for you Thanks

StrawberrySquash · 10/03/2019 16:34

Every party you give you invite X people and leave out the rest of the world. That's fine. It's how parties work. Everyone can't be in everyone else's top ten friends. If someone drops out it makes sense to use the space. I'd only be offended if you'd thought your kids were best friends or something.

Whisky2014 · 10/03/2019 16:35

Isn't the term a "fiddlers invite" or something? I dont think it's a big deal or rude and he should go if he wants...

gamerwidow · 10/03/2019 16:38

I wont go into all the detail but the mother has deliberately excluded my DS befoure and is a game player so it is just makes me a bit miffed. All of it together!

Credit to you for not letting your personal feelings interfere with your DS having a fun time at the party.

paxillin · 10/03/2019 16:39

Not rude at all. Kids usually want to invite more than they are allowed. So they are asked to name to 5. Then a couple will wait until close to the party to turn it down. So number 6 and 7 get a late invitation. Happens especially for expensive parties that need to be booked with an exact number.

The parents will remember next year, super-flaky people find their kids get fewer such invites as they get older.

Pinkblanket · 10/03/2019 16:40

I don't find it offensive at all, just glad they have thought of us.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/03/2019 16:41

Duckbilled - this mum has also told me abour various things my DS not invited to even though we share lifts with our DS for activities.
Anyway...

OP posts:
SrSteveOskowski · 10/03/2019 16:41

Personally I think it's quite rude. "You weren't really wanted in the first place but now that the people we did want can't go, you'll do"

MsVestibule · 10/03/2019 16:42

As with all of these things, context is everything. In the case ^^ of 27 out of 30 children being invited, that's rude and hurtful in itself (if you're one of the 3, anyway!) but being on a reserve list isn't.

My DD had a birthday sleepover a while ago, I'd only let her invite 2 friends. One dropped out at the very last minute because she was ill, so I phoned the mum of her 'next best' friend, explained the situation and she was absolutely fine with it - her DD came along and had a great time. No insult intended, no drama.

FullOfJellyBeans · 10/03/2019 16:48

Inviting the entire class ar 3 is just plain mean in the first place whether or not you then invite the 3 rejects when others can't make it is beside the point really. It was cruel in the first place.

gamerwidow · 10/03/2019 16:53

You weren't really wanted in the first place but now that the people we did want can't go, you'll do

That's not usually true though for kids. If I decide I can afford to take 5 people to a birthday activity it takes an age for DD to whittle it down to those 5. Chances are if you end up lower down on that list you were still very much wanted there.

needmorepizzainmydiet · 10/03/2019 16:57

Sorry to hijack but I was actually going to do a post about this.

Is it ok to issue more invites if say a day or two after first lot are issued people decline them. Am paying for 12 so really want 12 to be there! She has really struggled to ‘choose’ people. If so I’ll tell her to try and be subtle about it Wink

AgentJohnson · 10/03/2019 16:59

needmorepizzainmydiet.its a kids party not RyanAir!

cantfindname · 10/03/2019 17:01

Stop being professionally offended

I love this phrase and can think of several uses for it. Thank you.

icarriedaturnip · 10/03/2019 17:04

This has happened to DS, we weren’t offended at all, the birthday party would’ve cost a lot and if they hadn’t invited DS then they would’ve lost a lot of money, so he went happily. It’s a win-win really, they don’t lose money and DS gets a fun day out

gamerwidow · 10/03/2019 17:05

needmorepizzainmydiet yes it's fine. The children will not care that they are 'second tier'.

NCforthis2019 · 10/03/2019 17:07

Jesus Christ - the professionally offended. Does your child always have to be number 1 on the invite list OP?! I’m glad you decided to let your child go in the end, and out your own feelings aside.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/03/2019 17:08

The only possible way you could find this rude, and clearly some people do, is if you have an overinflated sense of your own importance.
Otherwise, you would understand that you can not be in the top ten (or whatever) of every person you know. That would be ludicrous.