to think it is rude for DS to get an obviously second round invite to a birthday the night before?

[Yolo89]

So the question is all in.the heading. Do you think it is rude? Would you do it if someone pulled out and you had an extra place?

If you are invited at short notice, it's very clear that you didn't make the A list. Sometimes that's OK, sometimes not

Inviting a neighbour who isn't part of your child's school circle of friends = OK

Inviting friend no 11, who realises they weren't in the top 10 = could be a bit rude / hurtful

BUT if the child doesn't mind / isn't aware and wants to go, then you keep your views to yourself and send them into the party with a big smile

Now, I get it. I'm not on anyone's fucking reserve list. And I admire her for showing that to me.

good grief, some people need to chill.

If the invitation comes with a "be honoured to have the privilege to be a guest", then yes, laugh and tell them to jog on. If a normal being tells you: spaces have come up for the party, would you like to join in tomorrow, what on earth is the big deal.

Unless you want to be the Queen Bee and you are in a weird competition to have the most popular child of the year, no one cares.

there are always several kids she wanted to come but couldn't invite.

that, a thousand times that!

As an adult, every now and then a friend will text inviting me and dh to a dinner party that night or the next night, as a couple they had invited has had to drop out.

It's a win-win situation: the food doesn't go to waste for them, and dh and I get a lovely meal and to spend time with our friends.

Rather than getting all hung up about 'not being on anyone's reserve list' like the rather highly-strung poster above, I think a far better lesson to teach your child is to look at the positives - you may not have been the first pick but you're still getting to do the lovely activity.

"When my daughter has parties we usually limit to 10 (if it's at an external venue because of the cost) and there are always several kids she wanted to come but couldn't invite. "

That's the problem with not being able to afford the party your kid wants, isn't it?

Ideal would be to have a cheaper place & invite all.

Handy thing about not being able to invite all is being able to ask a spare so you're not paying for more kids than go.

Now, I get it. I'm not on anyone's fucking reserve list. And I admire her for showing that to me

In other words, she taught you how to take something very insignificant as a slight to yourself. She taught you to take yourself too seriously & get offended if you don't make the first cut.

I'm teaching my dc that they can't be best friends with everybody. They may not be in a certain person's top 10 friends, and thus don't get invited to a certain party initially - that's life. If they then get an invitation later on - bonus! They get to have fun with their friends and enjoy a lovely activity.

In other words, I'm hoping to teach my children realism and resilience. Not sure I can say the same for your mother...

I will do a second round of invites this evening. Absolutely nothing to do with not wanting these children there. I have just been unable to contact them (DC off sick, school refusing to share contact details/forward invites). It has been a detective work to even get hold of someone who HAS contact details (provided this person indeed does get back today). I after all this the parents get offended for their DCs being invited 5 days after everyone else their DCs can stay home I will feel bad.

I did this once. DD has a limited number of girls who could attend and I got a last minute (well, 2 days notice cancellation). I asked Dd what we should do as I already confirmed number and paid in full.

We agreed to invite a girl from her drama class who is not connected to her school. I was open to the mum though and told her what happened.

Sind then I only ever did one mor party with a limited number and had a non-show. But this was chocolate making and I just ended up with making the missing guest’s portion myself.

I had this. My child was invited to a party 2 days before, 20 miles away! The mum claimed that she forgot to invite my child. The next day another mum told me that she turned down an invite to that party, because she didn't realise how far away it was! So obviously my child got her child's place. I just looked at the logistics. It was too short notice and it meant I would be stuck at the venue waiting with my other child. So I politefully declined. Does your child want to go? Can you take him? If he wants to, just take him and stick a fiver in a card.

If my first post didn't resonate, I doubt my second will either.

But, for the record, I was about aged 9/10. In my class of about 30, I was one of maybe 3 who weren't invited. I didn't understand it. I thought I was friends with the girl. I was v upset and hurt.

Hurl your insults towards me and my mum as much as you want. I'm happy with my conclusions about the matter.

I'm a strong person now, aged 40 with 3 kids. This is irrelevant to me now. If you think I'm some kind of 'queen bee' type person, I'm afraid you're sorely mistaken.

It was clear that the OP felt slighted and I offered my opinion and experience.

Sorry if that is something for you to scoff at. I guess that's the nature of Mumsnet. Sometimes, brilliant support, sometimes not.

Now, I get it. I'm not on anyone's fucking reserve list. And I admire her for showing that to me.

It appears to have given you an inflated sense of self-importance though.

As a rule, kids have more friends than there are places at parties.

They have to make choices. Someone has to go on the reserve list, so why shouldn't it be you?

worra, so you'd invite about 28 out of 30 kids in the class? I wouldn't.

I would rather get a second round invitation than no invitation at all.

If I am not free, I can decline.

Not rude. My dd got a last minute invitation to a party recently. Mum was upfront about it - originally boys only but loads couldn’t go. My dd was the only girl but had a total ball. If she had more time to think about it she wouldn’t have gone.

I would be very poorly viewed here but we actually had two phases of wedding invitation as well. We were upfront with those who were in the second phase. It was fine

shock you said...

I was thrilled to come back home to show my mum that I'd been invited after all. She refused it and said something like 'you're not on anyone's reserve list'. I didn't get it at the time and I was frustrated with her. I wanted to go to the party!

You were a child who wanted to go to a party. You eventually got invited to the party. Your mum put herself and her feelings first - not yours.

Actual kids generally don't look at things the same way adults do. They tend to be simple, innocent creatures.

This happened to DD. A girl who always seemed to be a good friend. Was always the one to put her hand up to go early for lunch with her, or any of the other “perks” of being DDs friend (DD has a disability so has to do some things differently at school) She had a party with a small group of friends doing something DD was well able to join in with and would have really enjoyed. DD was not invited but was invited to the second joint party she was having with her brother. This was at an event DD would not enjoy and would have been a lot more difficult for her to join in at (trampolining thing)

She was a bit upset about it. She thought they were good friends, and closer than a few of the other girls invited. She did not go to the other party. The girl no longer gets to join DD for the fun stuff.

It's quite sad if a child misses out on a party because of parents' chip on their shoulders. Who is penalised here? Birthday kid is having a blast with their friends, guests parents are happy their kids are happy, offended parents are smugly satisfied because they think they have shown the world their self-importance (which no one else cares about or even notice), late-invited child is left sad to have missed a party.

Yeah, excellent parenting, bravo.

Should add, the entire class were invited to the second party.

Ok. Well, we beg to differ.

I firmly believe my mother was in the right and had my own interests at heart.

Look, we all have different ways of looking at things. I'm here just passing some time. In the grand scheme of things, this is barely a flea in my coat of horrific stuff that's going on here at home.

shockandawe I think it depends on the scenario.

Its not really the same as say a party with 6 children that costs £30 a head doing an activity that you have to pay for anyway. Its a shame not to just invite another child along. Small parties like this can actually be difficult dd1 had a horse riding party once and I sussed out her first choice group via whatsapp before sending the invites out. So there were already 'reserves' at invite stage as two couldn't make that day......

But inviting the whole class apart from 3 then changing your mind cos a few people say no is rather different.

Yabbers I understand your child's upset, I also understand why the parents felt better to invite the entire class than leaving one out. That would have been a lot worst.

Fact of life.

First round of invites for anything is for best candidates.

Friendship groups, jobs, sports teams.

If spaces available they are filled up with next best candidates.

Imo when you are 'next best' you grasp the opportunity with both hands and put yourself or there and prove you are and belong in best candidates list.

Who knows? He could prove himself a social butterfly and all people there will want him at their party and the invites will come flooding in.

My DD has been invited late to parties. I certainly couldn’t get upset as we have a ‘reserve’ list every year.

Having 2 August born children meant we had lots of people unable to attend.

We now have one party before they even finish for the 6 week break, reducing the chance of this. Still have a reserve though. My other daughter is older & tends to only have 4 or 5 specific attendees. We have the party when they can all make it.

YABVU.

If this your first child, OP? Because this stuff happens all the time. It's not a big deal, it's offering a treat.

DD went to a party yesterday that she'd only been invited to on Thursday. Parents were taking them to an activity for a set number of participants, one lass couldn't make it so DD was the lucky lass who got to go. She had a fantastic time.

We've done it here too. DD wanted to go ice skating. It was a 25 mile distance so we said she could take a carful rather than force other parents to drive. One invited girl had a clashing commitment so DD invited another of her (many) friends.

Over 3 hours later and the OP NEVER comes back to give any update, answer any questions or even give any pertinent information