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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is rude for DS to get an obviously second round invite to a birthday the night before?

112 replies

Yolo89 · 10/03/2019 12:55

So the question is all in.the heading. Do you think it is rude? Would you do it if someone pulled out and you had an extra place?

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 10/03/2019 13:32

If he’s in his 20’s it is.

Seriously, this used to happen all the time, 25 years ago. Wouldn’t worry

Eliza9917 · 10/03/2019 13:35

I think it's ruder to RSVP so late do others are invited last minute.

Hohofortherobbers · 10/03/2019 13:38

Of course it's not rude. People are limited by numbers, if someone can't go then they can offer it yours, who they would like to come, what's rude about this? My dc were serious last minute invitees to a neighbours party when lots of kids went down with an illness beforehand. Didn't give it a second thought, just enjoyed the party. Why over think these things?

NannyRed · 10/03/2019 13:45

So a place came up because someone pulled out and you’re offended because you were second choice?

Then don’t go, I’m sure someone else will enjoy the party in your sons place.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 10/03/2019 13:46

I am imagining a situation where my DC has asked for an activity type birthday - we can only afford her + five friends. Book and pay for six children. One child gets ill a couple of days prior to the event.

Why wouldn't I ask my child if there is another child she would like to invite to fill the place? As grown ups, we appreciate that budgets aren't limitless. The child might realise that they were top of the "reserve list", but that still makes them one of the birthday child's top six friends.. and they get to enjoy the activity.

Surely the alternative is to go ahead with four friends, and waste the money when there are probably a number of other children who birthday child would like to invite and who would love to attend?

Missingstreetlife · 10/03/2019 13:49

It's fine. I once went to a wedding on this basis. Had a lovely time.

BarbarianMum · 10/03/2019 13:50

We've had this a couple of times. I was affronted, dc went and had a good time. Not sure what the moral of that story is.

Butterymuffin · 10/03/2019 13:50

No, because not all kids can invite everyone they want straight off given budget etc. But the last minute invite should a) say 'sorry for the late notice' and b) 'please don't worry about bringing a present given the above - just come and have fun'.

lljkk · 10/03/2019 13:51

I can't rise to getting offended by this.

sue51 · 10/03/2019 13:51

Its fine for a child's party, very rude for an adult's. I wouldn't overthink, just take your ds if he wants to go.

Foreverexhausted · 10/03/2019 13:53

PaulHollywood No I wouldn't allow my children to invite the 'second choice' friends. If they had 15 friends they really wanted to invite then I would organise a party or activity so they could invite all 15 friends in the first place. I remember all this from my school days. I hated the whole giving out invitations and the kids waiting to see if they were 'chosen' or not to get an invitation.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2019 13:59

It's not rude.

Not everyone has to be the most popular kid on the block, to get a party invite.

Often kids want to invite more than is possible, so of course they'll have plenty of other friends in mind if the original invitees can't make it.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/03/2019 14:00

Ah ok @foreverexhausted

I see your point, different strikes for different folks.

Having spent my childhood never being invited to birthday parties (we were “common”) until my children were of that age I’d have completely agreed with where you’re coming from.

But now DD is of the age where birthday parties are a “thing” I can understand - put bluntly - necessary exclusion and tiering more than I did. As poop as it can be.

Again though, it’s different strokes.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/03/2019 14:20

DD had a cinema visit for her birthday and we invited 3 friends (plus DD so 4 in total). She would have invited other children if any of the 3 were unable to come. Of course they were 2nd tier invites and could have been declined if they wanted to, they were still friends of DD's, she just had to choose 3 to invite. If it had been really short notice, I would have said that they need not bring a gift, but just come along.

Having done this, I think DD would understand if she was a late invite to a party.

DH and I were 2nd tier wedding guests. We had already accepted the wedding and evening invite, then the week before had an 'upgrade' to the meal after a couple had to drop out. We were delighted and totally understood we were no less friends of the couple, just they couldn't feed everyone.

Starlight456 · 10/03/2019 14:20

Why do you think it’s rude . My Ds was invited a few hours before to a party once . We couldn’t make it but said thank you very much for the invite.

AgentJohnson · 10/03/2019 14:23

One of DD’s best friends was her second round invite when she was in DD’s class all of two weeks. She’s been a first round invite ever since.

It’s an invitation, nit a summons!

twistable · 10/03/2019 14:24

Not rude at all. Some party venues charge 15 quid a head. With a minimum of 10 kids.

Why would you lose money and leave a place empty if someone had pulled out last minute?

Surely you'd just ask birthday child if there are any other friends he'd like to invite? Hmm

xTinkerhellx · 10/03/2019 14:24

Same happened here.

DD went, had a fun time. I got a few hours unexpectedly child free. Party kids mum didn't pay for a wasted space. Wins all around.

Sierra259 · 10/03/2019 14:25

I don't think it's rude if the parents have paid for a set number of people for an activity and certain children can't make it. To do the party DC1 wanted, we had to limit the numbers she could choose. When 1-2 of those couldn't make it she got to ask more of her friends.

I think the amount of non-RSVP/late-RSVP-ing that goes on is much ruder.

thedisorganisedmum · 10/03/2019 14:33

Why is it rude? It's not a wedding, it's a kids party.
First round can be 1 best friend, people you own an invite, some cousins or neighbours you feel obliged to invite.

Being a last minute guest doesn't mean anything. If it's too short notice and you already have plans, decline.
if you kid would love to go, just ...go and be grateful for a free party.

museumum · 10/03/2019 14:47

I don’t understand why you’d be affronted.
Do you insist on being someone’s “best friend” or not friends at all?
Sometimes people are “second best” friends and I think it’s nice to include them than have an empty space.

ahtellthee · 10/03/2019 14:54

Don't join the league of the professionally offended. If you don't want to go, don't go.

But seriously, don't waste your time worrying about such unimportant things.

shockandawe1 · 10/03/2019 14:56

Going against popular opinion here but yes, it's fucking rude.

I remember being little and not being invited to a party that most of the other kids were invited to and telling my mum how upset I was about that.

Lo and behold, I got an invite a day or 2 before the party - they must have had a lot of declines - I was thrilled to come back home to show my mum that I'd been invited after all. She refused it and said something like 'you're not on anyone's reserve list'. I didn't get it at the time and I was frustrated with her. I wanted to go to the party!

Now, I get it. I'm not on anyone's fucking reserve list. And I admire her for showing that to me. Flowers

Dieu · 10/03/2019 14:57

YABU.

SallyWD · 10/03/2019 14:57

Honestly it's fine!! Often places are strictly limited and kids get left out even when the birthday boy/girl wants them to come. When my daughter has parties we usually limit to 10 (if it's at an external venue because of the cost) and there are always several kids she wanted to come but couldn't invite. Someone usually drops out and were happy we can invite someone else at the last minute. No one has ever been offended. My daughter has also been invited along at the last minute and I don't mind at all!