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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The feel crap on play dates

83 replies

Deccax · 09/03/2019 22:32

Dd(4) has recently been starting to have A LOT of play date invitations!

We always go as I know she enjoys them, and I always offer a return play date at our house.

The issue is that we live in a very affluent area, and although we are not poor and own our own house I feel crap in comparison to other families. Our house is terraced and needs so much doing to it, it is also very small.

Dds friends all have detached lovely homes that seem perfect to me. I seem to spend half of the time apologising for the state of our house!

I don’t know why I’m even posting I just hate feeling so inadequate. Like We’re not as good as the other families. None of them have ever been anything other than lovely to me so it’s not them being mean. It’s just me Sad

OP posts:
Icecreamenthusiast · 09/03/2019 22:39

Don't have much to say to help OP other than .... I could have written your post!! My street is definitely the worst street in a few mile radius. I feel your pain! No one has ever been remotely rude or unkind it's just the continual inferiority complex that brings me down!

AliTheMinx · 09/03/2019 22:39

I feel the same, OP. My DS attends a private school and is very social and goes on a number of playdate. The other homes are all very plush and kept immaculately, and I feel embarrassed when people come to our house. It's silly, as it's fine really - but a bog standard new build with a small garden. It's not a tip by any means - I do my best to keep it In order, but I feel I can't compete with the showhomes!

OhioOhioOhio · 09/03/2019 22:42

Fk them. Honestly they are probably up to their eyes in debt. Tons of debt to pretend to be affluent

Best play dates are a quite tidy, mostly clean, kind and sensible mum with a packet of f custard creams.

Go for it.

Haworthia · 09/03/2019 22:44

Ugh, I hear you. Affluent town here and so many of my DD’s peer’s families seem to be, well, minted. One in particular lives in a house so massive it looks like a footballer’s mansion. It’s insane.

We live in a small three bed semi 🤷‍♀️ But you know what, I try not to feel too inadequate or apologetic. My children probably see a lot more of their parents than some of these other kids do (working late all week, working abroad etc).

I also feel better about my house now I’ve got a better handle on the housework and clutter. A small house can still be lovely when it’s clean and tidy.

Jezzifishie · 09/03/2019 22:46

I know what you mean - we hosted a playdate today, so we've spent many evenings this week trying to get the house into a fit state. The kids ended up playing in my room, so the parents went into the one room in the house that hadn't been tidied and was a complete mess. Oh well.

EstrellaDamn · 09/03/2019 22:49

You know what, I don't think kids really notice stuff like that. Both of my kids have come home saying their friends live in 'a mansion' when I know they live in small flats. It really, really doesn't matter. They just want to be with their friends. As long as it's clean, who's judging?

Mixingitall · 09/03/2019 22:49

Don’t be apologetic, dd’s friends and their parents won’t be judging you or looking for fault! We’ve been on many play dates to very different houses and really don’t care where anyone lives!

tealcoat · 09/03/2019 23:05

At least you own your home! You might be surprised by how many of the other families are in a less secure position than you, maybe renting or have a lot of things on finance. To keep up appearances.

Clarl · 09/03/2019 23:05

I feel the same! I own a flat and I swear every other kid in the class live in a lovely big house.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/03/2019 23:11

Kids prioritise different things and the size of a house usually isn't one of their priorities. They love the small treats that they don't get in their own houses or playing with different toys. I grew up in a large-ish house on a huge plot and all the houses on the road had massive gardens so we were all very spread out. I was envious of my friends who lived in 3-bed semis on a modern estate because there were so many other kids around to play with. When I got older I was still envious because they could walk to places and had reasonable public transport, I had to be driven everywhere until I learned to drive.

SlipperOrchid · 09/03/2019 23:12

I thought very like you OP until recently. I live in a bog standard estate in a not great area. My children go to school in a very affluent area and many of the kids live in that area. I was surprised (and to be honest partly relieved) to find out that some of them are renting. That said, if they can afford to rent there where the rent is 2K+ a month, they are in in a great financial position too. It bothered me a lot during my first child's first year but it doesn't bother me nearly as much anymore.

Original poster
Deccax · 09/03/2019 23:16

Thanks for the replies! I really am so grateful that we own our own house,and I know that most people wouldn’t openly judge me. But it just feels a bit shit in comparison to every one else.

We went to one house the other day that had an indoor pool Shock it just feels crap when they then come over to my (clean and tidy) but run down terrace, which has a kitchen from 1985 and an avacado bathroom Blush

OP posts:
DistraughtDogLover · 09/03/2019 23:23

I’m friends with people because I like them, not because of what house they live in/car they drive/job they do. And so are my DC! Please don’t feel inferior, nobody is judging you (and if they are, they’re not the sort of people you want as friends anyway imo!).

chocatoo · 09/03/2019 23:24

Kids def don’t notice. If I go to someone's house all I care about is if they give me a warm and friendly welcome. I genuinely couldn’t care a jot what size or state their house is in.

VioletBlu · 09/03/2019 23:24

I remember with my first baby, at a baby group we all had to sign in (pass around a clipboard and write our names and postcode on). My house was just within the much cheaper postcode area and I remember cringing a bit writing my name and cheap area postcode in next to all the names and affluent postcodes, and hoping none of my new mum friends would notice....

Clean and tidy go a long long way though, as does a nicely kept front. I know it doesn't really matter but on the other hand, cared for always looks nice even if it's not fancy or posh.

amazingbanana · 09/03/2019 23:28

choctoo - I disagree and think kids do notice :( i've had lodas of comments like "this is not as big as our house mummy" "our house is much better than yours" etc etc. there are some kids that have picked up some shitty manners about! but it comes from the parents.... remember this!...

Jezzifishie · 09/03/2019 23:29

@Deccax Our bathroom (from the same decade as the avocado) is sky blue, with clashing blue wall tiles Blush

BlueSatsuma · 09/03/2019 23:31

Nothing to add except what lovely dd you must have to invited on play dates.! Be so proud of her and no one will be looking or caring what the house is like as long it’s a happy house.

My ds is 6, in P2 and has never been asked on a play date by anyone at school. We’ve hosted loads but ds is currently being assessed and seems to get a wide berth in school.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/03/2019 23:31

Hi OP

From a different perspective. I live in a big house. Sorry if this sounds like a stealth boast but is relevant. We both work hard and have decent jobs but aren't classed as high earners, we both were 'lucky' with inheritance of loved ones (I put in inverted commas as we were very close to those loved ones and would have rather they spent it on themselves when they were alive but that's another story).
Anyway we dress cheaply, have very unposh accents, low value cars etc so on playdates I can tell people are surprised to visit us the firat time and they just want to talk about the house and some people start quizzing us about jobs as they kind of work out its above our price range given our salaries.

I honestly couldn't give a shit what size or style or area of house other people live in. I was brought up in a terrace house in an inner city that if I said the name of everyone would recognise as being deprived at the time. I moved 25 years ago and am still friends with the neighbours. The only thing I'm worried about on a play date is that my daughter has a good time and isn't naughty.

Quite often people will make excuses about their house or size of garden or something when inviting us back to theirs and I just cringe that because of our house it appears we are the type of people that would actually judge people or treat them any differently because of where they live.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/03/2019 23:43

Oh God I hope I haven't made myself look like a massive nob and killed the thread
Just meant maybe the other parents are equally worried you think they're a snob!

lottiegarbanzo · 09/03/2019 23:43

Um, so what? Why do you value yourself in terms of material accumulation?

I mean, do you really? Do you really think that the amount of money a person has accumulated is the most important thing about them? The most indiciative of their worth as a person, as a family?

I don't believe you.

What is it you do think is important and valuable? Show and revel in that.

newmumwithquestions · 09/03/2019 23:49

Would you feel superior to /look down on someone who rented a flat rather than owned their own house like you do? No? Then don’t feel inferior to someone who owns a bigger house than you.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/03/2019 23:52

Btw, you'd have bought my affections with a Ski hazelnut yoghurt, when I went on 'playdates'.

nutellalove · 10/03/2019 00:03

when I was a kid (private school, affluent area) my family lived in a nice but small 2 bed semi. I went to so many posh houses of friends. Many had swimming pools etc. Genuinely never thought about money. I was just like oh wow a pool, fun.

Equally, I had local friends who lived in even smaller houses than mine. I never once thought 'oh what a small house.'

really, kids do not notice these things.

Vinorosso74 · 10/03/2019 00:10

We're in London and DD's friends we've had over are a mixed bunch. A couple of wealthy families-proper house; some live in council flats; I guess majority like us either rent or own a flat but they vary too.
She has a friend coming this week from an out of school activity who lives in a big house and goes to private school.
I quite like the mix but just wish we had more space when extra people are here.