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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The feel crap on play dates

83 replies

Deccax · 09/03/2019 22:32

Dd(4) has recently been starting to have A LOT of play date invitations!

We always go as I know she enjoys them, and I always offer a return play date at our house.

The issue is that we live in a very affluent area, and although we are not poor and own our own house I feel crap in comparison to other families. Our house is terraced and needs so much doing to it, it is also very small.

Dds friends all have detached lovely homes that seem perfect to me. I seem to spend half of the time apologising for the state of our house!

I don’t know why I’m even posting I just hate feeling so inadequate. Like We’re not as good as the other families. None of them have ever been anything other than lovely to me so it’s not them being mean. It’s just me

OP posts:

Fabaunt · 10/03/2019 00:14

You are 100% as good as any other family. You own your own home, your kids have a roof over their heads and food in their tummies. You’re doing good mama.

SlangBack · 10/03/2019 00:15

VioletBlu Did any of them turn into good friends?

Cranky17 · 10/03/2019 00:17

I used to pray that the neighbours didn’t kick off and the police weren’t driving by just to check.

oldsewandsew · 10/03/2019 00:19

We used to be the family in the small terraced house. We have been doing up our houses and moving on whilst our friends have stayed put, and we now have a bigger house than most of them. Through it all we have hosted a lot more than any of them. I never worried about our small house. It was cosy and happy and my friends loved it, as did we. They are now very pleased for us as we have worked our socks off doing up our houses over the years, to add value, and they don’t judge us and we don’t judge them. Be happy in your home, and please don’t know worry.

InionEile · 10/03/2019 00:34

We used to be in that situation. We lived in a snobby town where a lot of people spent fortunes on their homes while we were renting a small semi-d. It did make me feel self-conscious sometimes.

Anyway, we moved to a still-nice but not top 1%-er area and now we have a bigger house compared to most people we know. Now I never judge anyone on their house when my DC go and visit. It never even occurs to me. We live in an area with an extremely high cost of living so I know that the majority of people struggle to afford anything.

And you never know what people think anyway - I went around to the house of a school mom recently who has four boys and their house was pretty small for a family of 6 but they had planted this amazing garden in their backyard. They had all kinds of fruit trees and vegetables and herbs, it was amazing. I was so impressed - and also jealous because our backyard is just decorative. I would love to be more green-fingered. So you never know what people think when they see your house. They might be impressed at your taste of decor or how you cook or anything. Kids especially don't notice these things.

AornisHades · 10/03/2019 00:41

Like Meringue we're in a big house but don't think it's some sort of moral failing if you aren't. I've got friends in council flats, tiny (in their words) rentals and everything in between. I like our space and we've been lucky to get it but I know some of our neighbours in big houses are superior twat types.

TheDarkPassenger · 10/03/2019 00:48

I’ve lived ‘posh’ (big detached in a nice area) and now we live in a townhouse. It’s huge but as you know, from the front it doesn’t look spectacular. I love it though, a million times more! My neighbours are amazing and my house has so much character! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder just think about everything you love about your home (you own it, it has your memories in it, you might have an amazing lounge) if you keep comparing yourself you’re going to feel shit! Hold your head up! If you don’t give a shit it’s highly unlikely anyone else will give a shit!

NiceNewShiny · 10/03/2019 00:48

Hmm, I’m usually the one with the big house etc and I’d be upset/offended if I thought my friends presumed I was ‘judging’ them. It’s not my fault if I’ve got a bigger house than them! I don’t give a monkies what type of house someone lives in. It’s got no relevance to me at all.

OP, if you are assuming that your play date parents are ‘judging’ you for living in a smaller house does that mean you would judge someone who lived in a smaller house or flat than you. You’ve mentioned the fact that you own you own house a couple of times....would you judge someone who didn’t?

I’m betting the answer is no and that you would dream of judging someone for living in a smaller house. Are you offended I even suggested it? 🤔

thewinkingprawn · 10/03/2019 00:48

We live in a big house compared to most at our local school. We are in huge amounts of debt And probably have less money to spend than you do. I would never judge and am always pleased if my children are invited on play dates. If I click with the parents enough to become friends I could not care less where they live.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/03/2019 01:21

I could've written your post, OP, as we live in a terrace house in a posh neighborhood with some mansions. Our house is fairly well fixed up, we've redone the kitchen, bathrooms, etc., but it'll never compare to those houses.

It used to bother me a bit, but now I'm totally with DistraughtDogLover - I'm friends with people I like and who like me in return. If I sense that someone is judging me on my house, car, other material possessions, I don't take to them...and tbh, I'm a bit judgy of flashy types as I assume they must be a bit shallow and wonder if it's all on credit! That's not v. nice of me really

Starstruck2020 · 10/03/2019 01:34

I’m sure there will be many things about you that they would (of course secretly) desire . No idea what, but I think it’s human nature to want what others have. It’s probably what got us out of the trees all those millions of years ago.

It won’t make you compare any less to them, but might help you feel better?

AquaFaba · 10/03/2019 04:22

We live in a big house and never get any return play dates ! With one exception - a lovely single mum with a DD.
We’ve invited k

AquaFaba · 10/03/2019 04:24

We’ve invited kids over for play dates, lunch etc...but it’s been really disappointing to not have anything suggested in return.

SD1978 · 10/03/2019 04:56

What I have I've worked for and I'm proud of- juts like them. I don't worry about it. House is safe and clean, and people enjoy coming over. As far as I'm concerned the people I. The house are more important

OneStepSideways · 10/03/2019 06:23

Being a good host has nothing to do with the size of your house or how modern the decor. I actually prefer play dates at smaller houses as you can keep an eye on them better.

Just be warm, friendly, offer drinks and biscuits etc

Di11y · 10/03/2019 06:24

it'll 100% be about the fun they have rather than the house itself. you might find the other parents are uptight about making a mess, or a particular normal for you snack seems amazing to them.

1AngelicFruitCake · 10/03/2019 06:37

We live in a bigger house than some of our friends (a detached compared to a terraced). I know some of them have commented on their children comparing our house to theirs. What they don’t realise is how much money it takes to run a bigger house, our bills are massive compared with our previous house. My friends go on more holidays, days out etc than we do due to our day to day costs.

Linguaphile · 10/03/2019 06:59

We’re in a much better position in life now than we were 6 years ago. Back then we had a two bed flat in an expensive area of London and I know the feeling you’re talking about OP. Our flat was nice but I always felt the need to apologize or explain why we weren’t in something bigger or nicer when the people around us were all in amazing jobs and big houses. We had three small kids at the time, which made me feel even worse as I worried that people would think us irresponsible for plowing ahead with having our family even though we didn’t have lots of space.

Fast forward to now, and our fortunes have improved. We own a big 5 bedroom house in a beautiful and affluent village. I find myself not only not judging other people with smaller places, but actually worrying they’ll see me as I used to see them, namely entitled and lucky and unaware of how life is for ‘normal people’. The truth is, we’ve sort of fallen into the place we’re at today, so we know we’re fortunate and don’t ‘deserve’ what we have any more than someone working hard and living in a smaller place.

I think the best advice is to not ovethink what others have in comparison to what you have. The kids might notice, but that’s a good opportunity to explain that different people live differently and that’s okay. Anyway, for all your friends know, you could be sitting on millions and just living somewhere inexpensive because you choose to not be house poor (we know people like that).

malificent7 · 10/03/2019 07:11

Dd is really embarassed of out modest terraced house as all her friends have big houses.
I don't feel embarassed at all as there is less cleaning and a small heating bill.
Mostbof dds embarassement comes duevto my choice of decor...indian wallhangings and my nans antique furniture as it is too hippy for her and she wants a more modern house!
I ger embarassed only.if the house is messy and try to keep reminding dd of this when she dosnt want to tidy her mess up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2019 07:12

We live in a relatively large house with a few en-suites. No pool though. My dd is 10 now. When she was 4/5/6 she loved the tatty rental 2 bed terraced house a friend used to live in. Now she loves my friends 3 bed one bath detached house to ours - probably not much more than half the size of ours. She also wants to live in her friends very large 3 storey beautiful Victorian detached with very very large garden, probably almost double the size of ours. For her - apart from the appeal of larger house its about the feeling in the house, not the size.

Do you know the people I dislike? Those, who think they are better because they have bigger houses or better cars or look down on those, who rent. There are a few parents like that in the playground. Queen bees and associates. I have gladly steered clear of them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2019 07:13

Gosh ignore all the mistakes. Must go and get my glasses and read through next time. Don’t have the energy atm.

Catscratchclub · 10/03/2019 07:19

I’m a single parent living in a rented 3 bed semi. Ds is at private school and one of his classmates lives in an actual castle. All the other friends houses are either detached in lovely areas or sprawling stately home type places. His friends LOVE coming here because Ds playroom has “really good toys” and he’s allowed to get his own drinks out the kitchen These people are our friends, they visit to see US, not our home. When we had our big house with my ex, I was the loneliest and most isolated I’d ever been in my life, which Ds obviously picked up on. Fill your home with happiness and love, that is what matters

ShimmeringIce · 10/03/2019 07:25

My best friend when I was little had a much bigger, detached house on a very naice street. I loved it... because she had a bunk bed, and there were peas growing in the garden that we were allowed to eat. I don’t remember much else! Kids do notice, and comment, but don’t judge IME. And most parents only care that their children are safe and happy.
(I do remember my next best friend, living in a large new-build, always wore clothes that she was afraid to get dirty and that was stressful and frustrating)

crikeycrumbsblimey · 10/03/2019 07:26

Honestly I care far more about those who constantly accept my hospitality but never offer it back! I’d be mortified if they were comparing houses.

I have a big house now and (because of location) everyone knows it. But growing up my house was tiny (would fit into current 2/3 times) people loved my house as we hosted well and my parents were welcoming.

I remember v posh friend of my brothers staying on a long bike ride. My mum encouraged him to use the phone (pre mobile) to call parents and girlfriend and left the room so he could have some privacy. They got up early to make him a decent breakfast and had made him lunch to take. He was overwhelmed by our little house.

It’s the warmth of the welcome not the size of the lounge xx

Nautiloid · 10/03/2019 07:27

I could have written this post OP.

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