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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The feel crap on play dates

83 replies

Deccax · 09/03/2019 22:32

Dd(4) has recently been starting to have A LOT of play date invitations!

We always go as I know she enjoys them, and I always offer a return play date at our house.

The issue is that we live in a very affluent area, and although we are not poor and own our own house I feel crap in comparison to other families. Our house is terraced and needs so much doing to it, it is also very small.

Dds friends all have detached lovely homes that seem perfect to me. I seem to spend half of the time apologising for the state of our house!

I don’t know why I’m even posting I just hate feeling so inadequate. Like We’re not as good as the other families. None of them have ever been anything other than lovely to me so it’s not them being mean. It’s just me

OP posts:

stayathomer · 10/03/2019 07:28

We live in a big house( but old) but we rent. I'm always embarrassed and end up mentioning it as I feel bad we don't own, like I shouldn't be agreeing with how big it is as I don't own it. I think they're probably all paranoid about something or other so I just wouldn't worry about it, kids don't go home from a play date talking about the size of a house just how much fun they had

SherlockSays · 10/03/2019 07:28

I definitely do think kids notice things.. I always noticed that my friends had much nicer houses than our council house. Some of them even had showers in their bathrooms!

DD is going to a private school I also worry about this kind of stuff. We own lovely detached quirky house but it needs a lot of work and is in a not so great location.

I think OP is more bothered about what the parents think than the kids though - they sound like they've been lovely though.

bellinisurge · 10/03/2019 07:29

I would rather let my child be somewhere warm and friendly. If you have that? Perfect.

Mumphineasandferbmadea · 10/03/2019 07:31

I could have written this too. I live in a housing association maisonette. I share the front square of concrete with a neighbour who dumps bikes and washing machines everywhere. I get so embarrassed when my dds friends mum who lives in a mansion with swimming pool comes to pick her up.

Springwalk · 10/03/2019 07:36

Be glad your dd is surrounded by lovely people that are indifferent to these things, and enjoy the friendships for what they are. I came from a tiny house, and didn't care one jot that my friends lived in bigger houses with pools. My house was perfect in every way and I loved it as a child. Cosy homes full of love is where children love to be, whether those houses are big or small.
Your child sounds happy and well liked, be glad for this, and stop apologising for your home. Be proud of it, they clearly like you just as you are. A big house does not make you better/more superior than the next person. It is just as big house.

I live in a big house now, and quite frankly preferred the small house I grew up in.

Gizlotsmum · 10/03/2019 07:38

I've had some children comment, I think part of it is age (6-9) seems to be the age they are worst for it. By 9 they have normally learnt it is rude to comment even if you think it but it has never actually stopped them coming back for another playdate. So I assume they are just stating a fact rather than criticising. As long as they leave here fed and happy having had a nice time I feel it was a successful play date. We have another one today.

LL83 · 10/03/2019 07:39

We moved from an area with bad reputation (though actually lovely) to never area with better school. Between homes we lived in my husband's grandpa's house (he had died the year before) it was perfect for what we needed for 6 months but small 2 bed decorated in grandpa's traditional style.

At the same point my sister and best friend moved from small houses to forever homes and I worried my then 4 year old dd would expect more when we moved like her cousin and friend. We moved and she was delighted as she had a double bed and a lamp! She loved it.

Anyway point of the story children dont notice or care about what you expect. Parents who look down on people usually show it, so if the parents are being nice they are nice and want a good friend for their child rather nice house to visit.

Be kind to yourself, think of all you do give your children and don't spend anymore time worrying about this.

Teateaandmoretea · 10/03/2019 07:50

Increasingly I kind of question how much of the planets resources it is reasonable to take up. Bigger houses take a lot more energy to heat and swimming pools . We have people round by us who have fitted wood burners into their massive 6-bed modern houses, I judge for that if I'm honest........ Presumably I'll be flamed for this as they can 'afford' it and why shouldn't they but hey ho.

I think though yabu and judgy about people who live in bigger houses than you, I doubt they really care and if they do then they are twats. Of course they don't know your financial situation anyway you could have 200k in the bank for all they know, it always makes me laugh when people judge how well off people are by what material stuff they have. Erm no, the well off ones keep it in the bank.....

OMGithurts · 10/03/2019 07:52

People! Stop being embarrassed about your homes! Nobody decent is comparing.

OP please stop apologising for the state of your home. It will make the other parents uncomfortable. Smile, pass the biscuits (not custard bloody creams, they are a total anticlimax ) and relax. The other parents are just pleased the playdates are being reciprocated and that they're out of the house. You know a change of scenery, new toys and some adult company is the parent-of-small-child equivalent to a spa day.

Ferfeckssake · 10/03/2019 07:52

Way past the play date stage now.But I know that as a hosting parent, I didn't care where the child came from, only that they were nice .Some of the worst brats came from some of the biggest houses.

And I know that both my kids would only describe the fun ( or not! ) that they had.

Any parent - or child - who judge you on the size of your house, are not the kind of people that you would want your kids to be around.

Motherofcreek · 10/03/2019 07:59

I hate play dates at houses. I dont know why people can’t just stick to play areas/parks.

My house is a tip most days and I’m rushed off my and always feel obligated to return the play date.

My lovely friend is hippy-ish. She has a old Victorian terrace which is very ‘alternative’ . It’s messy. One of our school friends can’t cope in the chaos and dodges play dates but I love those ones because I feel it’s a very welcoming, relaxed home. She offers amazing wine and we always end up staying about four hours

FrowningFlamingo · 10/03/2019 08:02

From the other side, we have a much larger house than any of my school friends, they will sometimes comment on it and I'm always really embarrassed.
It's a bit of a wreck that we are doing up but I find myself weirdly apologising for it all the time.
I suspect nobody takes that much notice of anyone else's house to be honest!

PoppingGlitter · 10/03/2019 08:04

Felt this way and we did not even live in an affluent area. We spent a decade renovating our house (long story).

Anyway, DD's room was in gib stop until she was about 13. Some rooms were not fully painted, my parent's couch from the 90s in our living room. And disgusting carpet.

NameChanger22 · 10/03/2019 08:05

I love in poorish area, most of my friends are poor, so it's all good. Inequality makes everyone feel crap.

Howdidthisbecomemylife · 10/03/2019 08:05

I live in a big detached house, big landscaped garden indoor swimming pool etc that is plush and well kept, if there is mess such as some bags or boxes cluttering up the hall I feel like we look like utter slobs. I rarely go for play dates at houses that are bigger or more luxurious but sometimes I do and feel all the same things about my house as you do. However when I go for play dates at small flats or little terrace houses that are just normal family homes with all the detritus that goes with that it doesn’t even occur to me to think anything of it. I think we always see the faults in our own homes, or notice that something is out of place but just as it is common to notice the flaws in our own physical appearance and never spot the same in others. We berate our interiors and stress over our own dust but fail to even notice the same in others homes. I’m sure your guest mums are just incredibly grateful for the invite.

NameChanger22 · 10/03/2019 08:06

*live. Just woke up, can't find glasses.

OMGithurts · 10/03/2019 08:06

Motherofcreek its too bloody cokd and wet for playgrounds and there's no toilets or tea. Indoor play places are expensive, it's hard to keep track of your child and they are full of other people's children.

SheldonandMama · 10/03/2019 08:11

To the pp who has heard children comment on sizes of houses/bedrooms - it is probably meant just factually. Commenting on this stuff by children under 10 just doesn't have the same meaning nor emotional content that adults give it. We can point out to our dcs what's polite and could be hurtful. Doesn't always mean that they intend to be rude or hurtful.

Mixedupmummy · 10/03/2019 08:12

I haven't read the other comments but I wanted to give you perspective from the other side. I'm very fortunate to live in a larger than average and (i think) nicely decorated home. I've had several of dds school friends over for play dates that haven't been reciprocated I suspect it's because they feel similarly to you. It makes me feel really sad and rubbish that dd is missing out.
*I know you do reciporate though.

Most people are just grateful for the invation and happy to be able to let their children play with yours. they aren't judging. and if they are they're not worth effort. their issue. stop apologising for your home! as others have said it's the welcome and feeling you get that's important not how new your bathroom or kitchen is

Sturmundcalm · 10/03/2019 08:17

i've been on both sides to an extent - we were fairly young parents with DD and lived in a small ex-council property when she was in primary and her year had lots of kids from posh families in it so we would be invited to mcmansions for play dates. we're older, better off and live in a bigger, nicer house (although not posh) while DS's year in primary has been much more ordinary and loads of the kids are in council houses.

really, really doesn't matter - i think most people care much more about whether or not you're easy to talk to and could be trusted eventually to have their kid for an unaccompanied play date

don't be embarassed, don't apologise, just be you

Hoppinggreen · 10/03/2019 08:17

When dd was at Primary School our house was bigger than any of her friends houses. The friends, their parents and children didn’t care
Now she’s at Private Secondary I’m sure loads of her friends have much bigger and nicer houses than us but again nobody cares. Her friends have always loved coming here because we are welcoming and they enjoy themselves. That’s what matters.
Anybody who looks down on my house or makes comments about it is more than welcome to not come here

thedisorganisedmum · 10/03/2019 08:17

Fk them. Honestly they are probably up to their eyes in debt. Tons of debt to pretend to be affluent

It's not a house that would put me off, it's that attitude when people have just been happy to invite your little girl to a playdate and are faced with such rudeness and nastiness.

Some of my kids friends have small houses, others are extremely wealthy. It never bothered us. I am grateful for the super wealthy who are generous enough to invite the kids to amazing parties and let join in expensive activities. I am also grateful to the families who invite them to a bog standard soft play or McDonalds.

I don't like show off, but if people have money, they are allowed to spend it guilt free.

People are happy to see you, so nothing to be worried about. There's a horrible reverse snobbery from some, and some kids get bullied because of it. Kids themselves are more likely to be impressed because someone has a big dog, a tv in a bedroom, or the mum make chocolate pancake for tea when they were invited.

Yumsnet · 10/03/2019 08:31

We once had a little girl round and when she came in she said 'your playroom is so small!'. We didn't have a playroom - it was our (tiny) living room.

She also came and told me, in a rather disappointed way, that not many of our felt tips worked and all our colouring pencils needed sharpening

Oh well 😂

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 10/03/2019 08:35

Fk them. Honestly they are probably up to their eyes in debt. Tons of debt to pretend to be affluent

Wow, that's really nasty.

winsinbin · 10/03/2019 08:36

I could have been you once. We owned our house but we had stretched ourselves to the limit buying it so it was years before we could make it nice. We had tiles missing in the dated kitchen, damp patches on some ceilings, patchy carpets, a room we couldn’t afford to furnish, etc. I had massive house envy when visiting some school friends homes.

That was over 20 years ago. The kids are all grown up and left school. A lot of those one-time ‘school mums’ are now old, close friends and we see each other often. I am lucky enough that we have moved on to a truly beautiful, well maintained home, even nicer than the ones I once envied. The people that became my friends back then despite my shitty house are still my friends now. If anyone judged me I didn’t know it and they certainly didn’t become real mates. As the old adage wisely says ‘those that mind don’t matter because those that matter don’t mind’.

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