The feel crap on play dates

[Deccax]

Dd(4) has recently been starting to have A LOT of play date invitations!

We always go as I know she enjoys them, and I always offer a return play date at our house.

The issue is that we live in a very affluent area, and although we are not poor and own our own house I feel crap in comparison to other families. Our house is terraced and needs so much doing to it, it is also very small.

Dds friends all have detached lovely homes that seem perfect to me. I seem to spend half of the time apologising for the state of our house!

I don’t know why I’m even posting I just hate feeling so inadequate. Like We’re not as good as the other families. None of them have ever been anything other than lovely to me so it’s not them being mean. It’s just me

When I was a child I lived in a nice detached house, we had a swimming pool in our garden, although our house was pretty small people used to call me rich due to the swimming pool. I used to enjoy going to my friends house, she lived in a tiny council bungalow and shared a room with her mum, I never judged her and always had a great time when I went over. I also had friends with huge houses and didn’t judge them either (though I was jealous of their sylvanian families collection).

I now live in a area that’s full of large houses and I live in a council house, I have been to a few play dates with dd but now they are older I don’t do play dates, dd1 has her friends over and they love coming over because my house isn’t that tidy and it’s pretty relaxed here.

I think as long as your house is clean people understand that children are messy bastards! So don’t worry on pmaydates I’m there to have a chat and a hot cup of tea not play who lives in a house like this!

I could’ve written your post as we’re the ‘out of the village’ people. Attend a small primary school in an affluent village and live in a new build. So we’re the weirdos that don’t live in a period property. I don’t judge but they def do!

My friend apologises for her house (only marginally smaller and messier than mine) but my response is she has decaf coffee for me and great conversation so the state of her house is utterly irrelevant!

My son once went back to the home of a lovely family, they lived in a council flat. He came home and had such a great time and couldn't get over the fact that the child obviously lived in a hotel because they had got in a lift. I've been in many homes over the years and the best ones have been small, cosy, welcoming and relaxing. A good friend helped me through a terrible time in my life by constantly opening her home to me and my kids. The kitchen was like a cave as the ceiling had collapsed, there was clutter everywhere. All I remember was the friendship she gave me and how safe and happy I felt when I was there. to

Most mothers are grateful when their child makes a friend who wants to spend time with them, they won't do anything to upset that.

I kind of understand this. My daughter was privately educated, in a very very affluent area, and some of the kids houses were absolutely stunning. We lived in a bog standard house.

Only a couple of mums made me feel judged, the rest were lovely, and I just assumed those couple of mums were a pair of bitches, so it didn't bother me. But I did sometimes wonder what the rest thought. Especially as I openly gaped some times when I went into their homes.

We could have moved up the property ladder, but didn't, we stayed put, and moved abroad for a few years, when we came back we moved into a much larger property.

We then held a party for our daughter in her last year of school, and that's when I felt judged. Same school so some of the same kids, and some of the same parents.

The one original bitchy mum openly commented "your house is beautiful" but it was done with quizzical stares, like she couldn't understand it. And she suddenly wanted to be by friend, to which I was less than interested. The other parents also commented, but it was the less affluent ones who I had not known before, who made me feel judged oddly enough. Like they were assuming I was something I was not, some posh bird in a big house.

So for me, the lesson I learned was where ever you live, someone is going to judge, there is nothing that can be done about it. The kids don't care, it's the adults, so really you may as well do your damndest to not think about it. Because with some folks you can't win either way, you can't change it, and it's more about them than it is about you

We live in a very distinctive old property that’s a bit of a landmark locally. I always worry that people are judging us when they come here and assume we are snobby or think ourselves superior. The reality is we are mortgaged up to our eyeballs, don’t have the lovely holidays and days out that others do and the house is a nightmare to maintain and keep free of dust and cobwebs. When DS gets invited to play dates in immaculate new builds that look like show homes I always feel inadequate.

Thinking back to my childhood, the houses I enjoyed visiting most were the ones where the families were friendly and welcoming, which had nothing to do with the size of the house or how posh it was. I had friends from all different social backgrounds including a girl from one family who lived in a tiny council house with motorbike bits all over the floor. They were the warmest, loveliest people and I loved going there. The places I liked least, whether 'posh' or modest, were uptight and cold with lots of rules, no fun, where you felt like you had to tiptoe around for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing.

Please please don’t say you’re not as good as other families! Worth as a person is not measured by wealth or house size! You are raising a DD who is popular with lots of friends, that makes you a great success in my eyes.