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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not letting my 14 year old DD go to a party

31 replies

Pinkerbells · 09/03/2019 19:40

I need the advice of the mumsnet court

My 14 year old DD came to me after school yesterday and asked me if she could go to a party Saturday evening. She is a bit of a hermit generally, mainly because most of her friends live about 30 minutes away so I was pleased that she had plans. Doing the responsible mum thing, I probed a little and she was very coy about the details. At first, it was at a house, and there would be no adults present (1st alarm bells), probed further, and she revealed that actually this party would be in the middle of a field, no adults just a very large group of 14 and 15 years olds. She also admitted there would probably be alcohol and drugs available. I told her in no uncertain terms that she would not be going and she went mental calling me boring and that she hated me and I was ruining her life.

She then walked out before I could stop her, and about 10 minutes later I got a text from her friends mum that my DD was at hers, she was safe and that she could sleep over night, although my DD came back a few hours later. She told me (No idea if she was lying) that her friends mum had said she disagreed with me and would let her go.

So AIBU. WWYU in this situation. She threatened to go anyway at which point I said that if she did, I would be removing all electrical items like tablet and x box and she would be grounded for months. I'm at a loss

OP posts:

independentgroupie · 09/03/2019 19:44

To be honest, most Saturday evenings of my teenage years were spent at ‘parties’ like that and it hasn’t done me any harm - drinking cheap alcohol in a field is part and parcel of a rural adolescence, surely!

But equally, I can see why you wouldn’t want your daughter there as a parent - I’ll probably be the same when my dc are older even though that’ll make me a massive hypocrite.

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 09/03/2019 19:44

YANBU. Sounds like something she definitely shouldn't be going to at 14!

bitchfromhell · 09/03/2019 19:52

14 is a bit young. I wish my parents had prevented me from going to those sorts of parties at that age. I say that in my mid thirties. They would drop me off and pick me up the next day. I got up to all sorts. You're a good mum op, trust your instincts. She'll thank you in the long run, and respect you when she's thirty odd with kids of her own.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 09/03/2019 19:58

x1000 I don’t know how you should deal with this. Maybe you should offer to take her and a group of (handpicked) friends out next Saturday something that would be cool like a theme park of some sort or a day out in London. Something she can put on Instagram. Try and steer her away from the current company she keeps it is good you still have an open dialogue. But try not to go nuclear and try and see it from her point of view and remember if you push too hard she will pull even harder.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2019 20:10

This would be a massive NO WAY from me. Let her be as angry as she wants to be, she'll get over it. Your job is to protect her as best you can, and sometimes that means protecting her from making bad choices.

JRMisOdious · 09/03/2019 20:15

No, too young.
Sorry but you’re going to have to square your shoulders and get used to her “hating” you for the next 4 years. Then she’ll be ok again.

I always decided by wondering what I’d think about parents who had allowed their kids into situations I was feeling uncomfortable about if it all went horribly wrong and it appeared as a news story. If I knew my reaction would be wtf were they thinking of, there was my answer.

SaucyJack · 09/03/2019 20:18

Far too young at 14 for a drink and drug binge in the middle of a field.

Be nice though. Let her know her time will come in a few years.

BarryTheKestrel · 09/03/2019 20:21

You're very lucky she actually told you about it.

At that age I was going to very similar parties and always had multiple cover stories of where I actually was.

Stand your ground. If you don't trust her to not drink/take drugs then don't let her go. Or if you do trust her, find a middle ground maybe? Drop off and pick up at pre discussed times. Safe words to text you if she is out of her depth and needs picking up early?

I did this with my little sister who is 12 years younger than me. She knows she only has to text me our arranged word and I'll go pick her up or send our brother, no questions asked. It's got her out of some situations she didn't want to be in but didn't know how to get out of. I played mean big sister ruining her fun.

OMGithurts · 09/03/2019 20:22

Do you think that on some level she has told you the details, and told you her friends mum would let her go, because she actually wants you to stop her? Much easier to rant and rave about horrid mother grounding you than telling your peers that actually, drinking and getting pressured into things you don't want to do (drugs/sex/who knows) sounds like an awful way to spend a Saturday?

SpoonBlender · 09/03/2019 20:22

I did a lot of them there open field parties when I was 16-18. 14 is a bit too young - the flounce rather demonstrates her poor ability to cope with things!

Angelicinnocent · 09/03/2019 20:28

Reward her for telling you and ignore the flounce. Ask her if she would have felt safe and happy in a field full of drunk kids.

BlueSlipperSocks · 09/03/2019 20:36

At 14 it would be a 'No Chance' from me. Especially as your DD isn't street wise. My 18 year old recently told me she had been invited to a rave- which very much sounds the situation you describe OP - party in a field, involving alcohol and drugs. At 18 my dd can make her own life choices but asked my advice. I gave my reasons for not wanting her to attend, but said it's her decision to make. She, immediately, agreed with me and said she didn't want to go. She just needed someone to back up.her decision.

Sometimes kids just need someone to support their choices.

Her 19 year old best friend went. She ended up sleeping with 4 boys. She ended up in hospital, off her face on drugs. She is now pregnant with no idea who the father is. Her parents have disowned her. This is a girl who had been accepted into Cambridge university to study law.

So fucking sad! 😭

Hoppinggreen · 09/03/2019 20:38

I’ve got a 14 year old, no chance she would be going to something like this

southnownorth · 09/03/2019 20:42

YANBU. I wouldn't want mine to go at that age either. I'd be worried about my 17 year old going to something like that.

AuntMarch · 09/03/2019 20:43

My mum probably thought there was no chance I'd have gone to something like this, but actually I just never told her.
I agree that she might actually be secretly glad you said no!

Lovingbenidorm · 09/03/2019 20:43

There is absolutely NO WAY my dd at 14 would have been allowed to attend a party in a field with readily available drugs and alcohol!!!!
God only knows if the other mum said that but if she did she is totally out of order.
I’ve found often my kids want me to say ‘no’ to something so they have the excuse of “the wrinklies say no🙄”
It actually saddens me tbh

thebookeatinggirl · 09/03/2019 20:48

No way would I have allowed DD to do this at 14. She's 16 now, and I'd still be wary, with admissions of alcohol, drugs and no parents. Stick to your guns.

NumbersLetters · 09/03/2019 20:50

Bit young. But cautious exposure to this stuff, around 16 or 17 with all the facts and open discussion with you, is preferable to discovering it all in a dangerous rush at uni, I reckon.

OxanaVorontsova · 09/03/2019 20:52

I wouldn’t, no matter how stroppy she gets, mine is 15 and would know the answer before she even asked!

sobernotjustforoctober · 09/03/2019 20:57

This is a hard one, I was going to fields and drinking alcohol about 13 onward and I am still alive to tell the tale. My parents were very strict, never trusted me in the slightest, never gave me a chance to earn their trust so instead I would lie to them about where I was going, said I was staying at a friends rather than tell them I was going to parties and drinking. The problem with this was that when I found myself in a dangerous situation or not feeling well, I felt unable to call them as I thought I'd be in trouble for lying in the first place.

So I think it's a good thing that your daughter is being truthful with you in where she is planning on going and what she's planning on getting up to. To be honest, if it were me, I think I would let her go, I think I would explain to her about responsible drinking, absolutely warn her off of any drugs, tell her that you are trusting her to go and have a good time but responsibly, if she fucks this up then tell her in no uncertain terms it will not happen again, you are allowing her to go because you trust her and should she break that trust, it will be hard to earn back. I would let her know that if she wants to come home at any time she is to call no matter what time and you will come and collect her. Same if she feels uncomfortable, doesn't feel well (bit too much to drink), to call you at anytime to come home and to not get in the car with anyone else but you, regardless how sober they appear or claim to be.

Of course this is up to you and a scary thought. But this is only how I foresee myself dealing with something like this. Although this is easy for me to say whilst my five year old is snuggled up on the sofa next to me. I dread the teenage years!

Good luck whatever you decide, you know best.

cauliflowersqueeze · 09/03/2019 20:58

I expect she is absolutely relieved you said no but is hiding this. Stand your ground.

CaseofEllen · 09/03/2019 20:59

I don't think she'd have told you there's likely to be drink and drugs there if she really wanted to go. Surely she knows that as her mum you'll say no to this? Maybe she's secretly pleased you've said no and can blame it all on you to her friends!

Bohbell · 09/03/2019 20:59

You should not let her go. No way. 14 is very young. I have 14 DD and she has her freedoms, but not hanging around in a field!

tablelegs · 09/03/2019 21:05

This was how I spent my weekends as a teen.

edinanon · 09/03/2019 21:12

Surely she knew she probably wouldn't be allowed to go to this. I think she told you so that she could then blame you for not letting her - instead of admitting to her friends that she actually felt uncomfortable with the idea. if she had really wanted to go, she could have come up with a cover story about being at a sleepover or something!

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