Not letting my 14 year old DD go to a party

[Pinkerbells]

I need the advice of the mumsnet court

My 14 year old DD came to me after school yesterday and asked me if she could go to a party Saturday evening. She is a bit of a hermit generally, mainly because most of her friends live about 30 minutes away so I was pleased that she had plans. Doing the responsible mum thing, I probed a little and she was very coy about the details. At first, it was at a house, and there would be no adults present (1st alarm bells), probed further, and she revealed that actually this party would be in the middle of a field, no adults just a very large group of 14 and 15 years olds. She also admitted there would probably be alcohol and drugs available. I told her in no uncertain terms that she would not be going and she went mental calling me boring and that she hated me and I was ruining her life.

She then walked out before I could stop her, and about 10 minutes later I got a text from her friends mum that my DD was at hers, she was safe and that she could sleep over night, although my DD came back a few hours later. She told me (No idea if she was lying) that her friends mum had said she disagreed with me and would let her go.

So AIBU. WWYU in this situation. She threatened to go anyway at which point I said that if she did, I would be removing all electrical items like tablet and x box and she would be grounded for months. I'm at a loss

I did things like this at her age which means I would definitely be putting my foot down with a huge NO!
You are very lucky she spoke to you at all about it. I used to lie.
Doubtful the friend's mother will be happy for her dd to go. Your daughter is likely stretching the truth about this or else she doesn't know the finer details concerning this 'party'.

We have had similar scenarios with DSD (now 16) over the years. I agree with past posters that teens need some experiences to be able to build trust but I would also say they have to start reasonably and progress incrementally. I would assume 'all night drink drug rave in field' is the highest level?!

We had a recent bad experience with dsd at a 16th birthday party where the parents were actually in the house (upstairs!). Kids were bringing and drinking whole bottles of vodka and the downstairs bathroom was a stream of vomiting teens. Not to mention the ones who were high. She drank more than was agreed (not spirits) and got grounded for the whole of half term. Her argument is "everyone else is doing it and have been for years". Not true...and even if they were, not what we want for her. Or agreed to before she went.

I think you need to start a conversation with your daughter along the lines of: these opportunities will start coming up. Honesty is key and if she breaks trust, that is it. And equally, even after she has been honest there might be some things you still say no to. That is because you care and because she is 14/15/16. But trust is key. Start there and see where you can get to.

Equally, stomping off to friend's house needs a consequence - it's not proving she is grown up enough for the experiences she is asking for!

Also...my friends response was "that's what teenagers do". Which is true. But what parents of teenagers do is usually 'say no and ground them when they overstep'. Just because it's 'what teenagers do' doesn't mean you have to agree happily with everything that is asked for without negotiation of gradual boundaries - that's your role. That and being public enemy number one for the next 4 years

No way at 14! You're not her friend but the parent. If she were 16, perhaps but I would still not be so keen on that kind of event. We might have had similar parties as teenagers but that was before smart phones and social media. When we made a tit of ourselves, there wasn't as much of a risk of being filmed and humiliated by potentially the entire Internet.

I wouldnt let my 14 year old DS do to a party like this. I dont give a shit what he thinks about it, its up to you to set the boundaries. Trust your judgement OP, she is too young to be doing this.

I have a 14 yr old dd & there is no way I'd let her go & hell would freeze over before her dad would even think about letting her go!

Yes she could have a good time with her friends but too many things could go wrong, it's not work the risk, she has plenty of teenage years left later to do this, not at 14.

On the one hand yes I did things like that as a teen and was fine on the other I do think it puts young people in vulnerable situations and I don't think I'd want either of mine to go either.