Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't consider dating someone with kids- friend offended

85 replies

Tarr · 08/03/2019 11:24

I had my friend over last night for a curry and some wine. At one point in the evening, my love life became the topic of conversation- I just came out of a 5-year relationship at the beginning of the year. I was telling my friend about a guy at work who had asked me out to dinner but I declined despite finding him attracive. I didn't say why to begin with but my friend pressed me and I mentioned how I have no interest in dating a man with kids. I did say it very diplomatically (i.e I just want something simple right now after a messy break up). Friend is a very successful single mum.

I'm not sure if my friend was having a bad day but she called me a bitch and judgmental! Obviously, I apologised straight away and tried to explain why I said it but she wasn't listening. She pretty much stormed off and isn't responding to any of grovelling messages.

I feel terrible but also a bit hurt that my friend dismissed what I was saying. Despite what my friend said in no way do I consider myself superior to single mums.

Just to note I'm in my late 20s and see no reason why I can't be picky when choosing my future partner. Please tell me if I was being unreasonable? My friend is not normally this sensitive.

OP posts:
AyoadesChinDimple · 08/03/2019 11:26

It's up to you to decide what your deal breakers are. I've been a single mum in the past and am not offended in the slightest.

grincheux · 08/03/2019 11:26

Sounds like she was out of order, it's your preference and your life.

greendale17 · 08/03/2019 11:28

Not judgemental at all. I know plenty of people who wouldn’t date people with kids

MRex · 08/03/2019 11:29

She's being silly. Date whoever you like.

LellowYedbetter · 08/03/2019 11:30

I wouldn’t date someone with kids if I had to do it all again and I certainly wouldn’t at your age.

Your friend is being ridiculous. You have nothing to apologise for

GemmeFatale · 08/03/2019 11:30

At your age I was online dating and had a no men with kids rule.

I didn’t want a relationship with a man who wouldn’t put his kids first, and I didn’t want to start out making someone else my priority when I couldn’t be his.

My sister married a guy with kids from a previous relationship. He adores her. But she commutes further than she wants, lives further from friends and family and feels socially more isolated because they live near his ex and the kids. She would love a second child but he had a vasectomy after their first as he feels he had enough kids and couldn’t manage anymore. She’s made big compromises to be with him. I would maybe make those compromises at 37, but not 27.

AdoraBell · 08/03/2019 11:31

It’s your choice, you didn’t say you judge men who have children. I think your friend has the wrong end of the stick, maybe because she’s been judged by people who should mind their own business?

QuirkyQuark · 08/03/2019 11:31

I have children but before I met my husband I'd said I'd never date or settle down with anyone with young children. I'm not really bothered if that makes me a horrible person but I just never wanted any extra baggage. My husband has no children of his own.

fattylawmaker · 08/03/2019 11:33

I think you’re sensible!

And I say that as a step mum who has a fabulous husband and a good relationship with step dsc... a quick trip through the step parenting boards is all it takes to see what the reality of a partner with dc can mean for your life

Savoury99 · 08/03/2019 11:33

I am married to someone who had kids when we met but I don't think you are a bitch at all. It wasn't easy for me at the time even though we have a great relationship now. It is your choice and it is your friend is being judgemental.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 08/03/2019 11:33

I wouldnt want all the baggage and they 'you're not my mum' shite either .

Merryoldgoat · 08/03/2019 11:34

Your friend is being daft, but I suspect that she’s been faced with the reality that people might feel the same about her and it’s not nice I suppose.

I wouldn’t enter into a relationship with someone who had children either.

Smileymoon · 08/03/2019 11:34

I have kids and would not date someone with kids if my current relationship ends.
I wouldn't have a serious relationship with anyone until my own kids are a lot older either.

PinkHeart5914 · 08/03/2019 11:35

You can not date someone for whatever reason you choose!

I know women that won’t date a man under a certain height or one that smokes So I don’t see your choice any differently to that.

For what it’s worth if I was in my 20s with no children, I wouldn’t date a man with dc. It is more complicated dating someone with dc, they have less time and if you’ve a busy life getting together etc can be hard

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/03/2019 11:35

I wouldn't either and I have my own.
I'm just not interested in other people's children.

MrMeSeeks · 08/03/2019 11:36

Yanbu

Original poster
Tarr · 08/03/2019 11:38

Very relieved I wasn't being out of order!

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 08/03/2019 11:39

i wouldnt have dated someone with kids before i had kids. luckily me and DH were both young and free when we met.
If me and DH split up (we have 3 kids) I wouldnt want to date someone with no kids who wanted kids!! i dont want any more and to be brutally honest i would want all my kids to have the same dad.
I would date someone who had kids now though as we would both have our own kids and so it would be more of an equal footing.

Waveysnail · 08/03/2019 11:40

She's being silly but wonder if you hit a sore spot. Perhaps she's struggled to date or is lonely. Give her some space. You have apologised.

Original poster
Tarr · 08/03/2019 11:40

but I suspect that she’s been faced with the reality that people might feel the same about her and it’s not nice I suppose

That's what i thought.

OP posts:
thefirst48 · 08/03/2019 11:42

When I had no kids I wouldn't dream of dating anyone with kids but now I have my own if I had to date again I would prefer someone with kids.

Flamingosnbears · 08/03/2019 11:43

You don't need to apologise it's your relationship you do what's right for you.

Original poster
Tarr · 08/03/2019 11:45

I apologised for upsetting her and my clumsy wording.

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 08/03/2019 11:45

i actually advised my sister not to do this - she did anyway and found herself in all sorts of trouble, it didnt work out and she's has now decided that i was right after all. I mean - i have my own kids and if was single, i woudnt date a man with kids either! Too messy.

CalmdownJanet · 08/03/2019 11:47

Wtf are you grovelling to her for?
"Mary I apologised already if I offended you last night. I won't apologise again, in fact I am now annoyed with you, why the hell should I apologise for what I look for in any relationship I have, my relationship, my choice, my business. Don't ask me a question again unless you want an answer and stop projecting your issues on to me you are now bring a judgemental bitch FYI"

It may not be the best text for your friendship mind but fuck her, she is projecting and you need to stop grovelling