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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Won't consider dating someone with kids- friend offended

85 replies

Tarr · 08/03/2019 11:24

I had my friend over last night for a curry and some wine. At one point in the evening, my love life became the topic of conversation- I just came out of a 5-year relationship at the beginning of the year. I was telling my friend about a guy at work who had asked me out to dinner but I declined despite finding him attracive. I didn't say why to begin with but my friend pressed me and I mentioned how I have no interest in dating a man with kids. I did say it very diplomatically (i.e I just want something simple right now after a messy break up). Friend is a very successful single mum.

I'm not sure if my friend was having a bad day but she called me a bitch and judgmental! Obviously, I apologised straight away and tried to explain why I said it but she wasn't listening. She pretty much stormed off and isn't responding to any of grovelling messages.

I feel terrible but also a bit hurt that my friend dismissed what I was saying. Despite what my friend said in no way do I consider myself superior to single mums.

Just to note I'm in my late 20s and see no reason why I can't be picky when choosing my future partner. Please tell me if I was being unreasonable? My friend is not normally this sensitive.

OP posts:

Singlemumscum · 08/03/2019 11:48

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/03/2019 11:49

Just look at the step mum threads today to see if you're not prepared to treat someone else's kids as your own then it's best not to get involved with someone who has kids. If that person isn't very involved with their kids lives then they're probably not a great person. If they are, then you have to 100pc want to be a committed step parent.

I don't think I could do it.

Not sure what to do about your friend though. I can see she might be hurt to think some people might not want to date her. But you are totally entitled to your opinion about who you want to spend your life with.

If probably drop her a note to say you weren't judging her at all, you're really sorry for upsetting her but we're just trying to answer a question honestly. Explain that you see it that any step kids deserve willing and committed step parents who would put them first and you just don't think you could fulfill that role at this point in your life. It doesn't mean you think any less of the parent.

Then just leave it there, if she still won't talk then she is choosing to take offence

Mmmhmmm · 08/03/2019 11:49

Smokers and men with kids were always dealbreakers for me. Even though I have a daughter now, if I was single I still wouldn't date a man with kids. I don't want to be a step-mum.

Chocolateheaven123 · 08/03/2019 11:50

YANBU! It's up to you to decide what you'l want in a partner. I have a child with another on the way, if we ever split, I'm 99% sure I wouldnt get involved y anyone else as I couldn't deal with the hassle of a blended family. I was in a serious relationship with someone with a child many years ago; it was hard.

MadameDD · 08/03/2019 11:52

Depends what your age is. Before I settled down and was approx. 40, I was coming across men on internet dating who had DC so ended up reluctantly dating a couple of them. It didn't work out. In fact one of the men who had a teenager is now married to a woman with 3 young children.

My DSis (half sister in another thread!) recently met a man with 2 DC and who'd been married and came to the conclusion that she wasn't sure if dating men who had DC was right for her - she's 36 though.

If I divorced now, I wouldn't date a man with DC but I wouldn't rule out the fact that at my age I may not meet another man without DC either.

Paperdoll1 · 08/03/2019 11:54

Not sure why your friend got offended. Many people without kids do not want to date people with kids. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing. Stick to your guns. Your friend seems to be projecting.

ForOldLandsEye · 08/03/2019 11:54

She’s taken it as a personal attack in her own situation. Being touchy I suppose. Has she had a knock-back from someone without children or does she struggle to find mrn, despite what she says about being happy/single/successful?

I dated a man with kids once - never again. His life/money/time/space were not his own, he had to bend to the needs of his former family. After them, work, mates and his dog, I was always a long way down the pecking list.

I am actually dating someone with an 18 year old son though but he’s technically an adult so not so bad.

Jackshouse · 08/03/2019 11:54

When I was younger I won’t have done so but I think once you get past a certain age then you maybe limiting your field. It’s not a unreasonable consideration for you to have.

DarlingNikita · 08/03/2019 11:56

I apologised for upsetting her and my clumsy wording.

YOUR clumsy wording? She called you a bitch I've NEVER had a friend use that word to me. Fuck her.

stevie69 · 08/03/2019 11:56

You had absolutely no need to apologise. You are completely free to choose. It's one of the few areas where there are no rules: your life, your choice.

I'm not over keen on dating men with children either. Nothing sinister: I just don't enjoy doing the kind of stuff that involves young children and I don't want to take a piss poor second place to the needs of adult children. That makes it sound like it's all about me, doesn't it? Well ..... at this point in time, it is

Believability · 08/03/2019 11:57

I wouldn’t date anyone with dependent kids either, adult kids who have moved out then yes, but I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to have someone else’s kids in my and in my own children’s home, holidays and lives on a regular basis.

outpinked · 08/03/2019 11:57

YANBU. I think she was projecting her sensitivity about her personal situation onto you. I have no idea if it’s true but it’s possible she’s tried to date but struggled due to men being put off by the fact she has children. It can be fairly disheartening, I have been there in the past myself. The guys like you a lot until they find out you have children, then they run for the hills. If you tell them from the beginning many just don’t give you a chance at all. It’s sad and can be quite a lonely time so just try to understand her perspective a little.

She shouldn’t have taken it out on you though of course, you’re not to blame and there’s nothing wrong with you not wanting to date someone that has children.

Happyspud · 08/03/2019 11:57

Your friend can be offended all she likes. Nobody has to date anyone whose circumstances they don’t want to take on.

stevie69 · 08/03/2019 11:57

When I was younger I won’t have done so but I think once you get past a certain age then you maybe limiting your field. It’s not a unreasonable consideration for you to have.

Oh, it definitely limits the field. But that's a consequence of my choice that I'm happy to accept

NoCauseRebel · 08/03/2019 11:59

I have kids and I wouldn’t date someone with kids. Neither would I be offended if someone didn’t want to date me because I have kids. Far better that people admit up-front that it’s not for them than realise some time down the road that actually they’re just not cut out for it.

Also, before I met my now DP I was sure that I would only want to be with someone who had children, however looking at how the relationship between my own children and eXH’s partner has evolved plus the threads on step parenting there is just no way I would even consider it now. And if that meant I had to stay single then so be it.

BitchQueen90 · 08/03/2019 12:01

I'm a single mum and it wouldn't offend me at all.

I actually wouldn't want to date a man without kids as I don't want any more kids of my own but I want someone who understands what it's like to be a parent.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/03/2019 12:03

Your preferences, your rules!

Coronapop · 08/03/2019 12:04

I think she is very foolish to risk losing good friends just because of a difference of opinion. She has made your comment personal when it clearly wasn't. I don't think you needed to apologise at all.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/03/2019 12:05

It's not out of order at all, some people aren't cut out to be step-parents and there's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't mean they aren't nice people.

TheInvestigator · 08/03/2019 12:07

I'm a single mum and I won't date someone with kids because I don't want to put my children through the trouble of blending families and dealing with which weekends we have all the kids and which ones we don't etc. I just don't want to do it. It limits my dating options considerably since I'm expecting a childless man to date me with my 2 kids in tow, but i'd rather be single than blend new kids into our lives.

It's a completely personal choice and your friend needs to get over it and apologise for her behaviour.

Niffler25 · 08/03/2019 12:11

I'm classed as a single parent and have a long term boyfriend but if I were to end up completely single again I don't think I would date someone with kids. I like my own kid but I'm not massively keen on anyone else's .

I wouldn't be offended if I was your friend. There are lots of people I wouldn't date unless I really clicked with them. Short men, fat men, men who can't drive, men who live at home, men who don't like animals etc etc . And I am sure there are lots of men who wouldn't want to date me for a number of reasons, my child being one of them!

It sounds like she took it far too personally and was very rude to you! I wouldn't be apologising if I were you, you didn't do anything wrong.

teyem · 08/03/2019 12:12

No, I wouldn't have dated anyone with kids when I was younger and probably wouldn't now if DH and I were to split.

I've made a habit of not making my life harder than it needs to be.

diddl · 08/03/2019 12:16

Did she apologise for calling you a bitch?

It's up to you who you date!

I get where you're coming from.

I think I'd make a shit stepmum.

nokidshere · 08/03/2019 12:16

Its perfectly normal and sensible to have your own boundaries. My criteria was no-one with children, no forces and preferably not divorced lol.

I don't see why it matters to anyone else who you would and wouldn't want to date.

Greatorb · 08/03/2019 12:19

I definately wouldn't date single mothers.

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