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AIBU?

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Original poster

Won't consider dating someone with kids- friend offended

85 replies

Tarr · 08/03/2019 11:24

I had my friend over last night for a curry and some wine. At one point in the evening, my love life became the topic of conversation- I just came out of a 5-year relationship at the beginning of the year. I was telling my friend about a guy at work who had asked me out to dinner but I declined despite finding him attracive. I didn't say why to begin with but my friend pressed me and I mentioned how I have no interest in dating a man with kids. I did say it very diplomatically (i.e I just want something simple right now after a messy break up). Friend is a very successful single mum.

I'm not sure if my friend was having a bad day but she called me a bitch and judgmental! Obviously, I apologised straight away and tried to explain why I said it but she wasn't listening. She pretty much stormed off and isn't responding to any of grovelling messages.

I feel terrible but also a bit hurt that my friend dismissed what I was saying. Despite what my friend said in no way do I consider myself superior to single mums.

Just to note I'm in my late 20s and see no reason why I can't be picky when choosing my future partner. Please tell me if I was being unreasonable? My friend is not normally this sensitive.

OP posts:
OKBobble · 08/03/2019 12:19

There was only one judgmental person in that situation.

You are saving yourself a lot of hassle and a lot of potential heartbreak.
One day if you meet someone you may end up changing your mind but it is not a bad place to be starting from.

Yabbers · 08/03/2019 12:21

I don’t see how someone would be offended by this. In your 20s you have a whole set of ideal partner tick boxes. As you get older the “no way” boxes start to disappear if you haven’t met the one and as your own priorities and circumstances change. It’s entirely normal.

And if you meet the right person in your 20s who ticks all the boxes except that one, you might change your mind on it.

Isn’t it just like everything else, sometimes you compromise if you can’t find a perfect match, sometimes you get lucky and find exactly what you want.

Your friend is being unreasonable.

Belenus · 08/03/2019 12:23

If probably drop her a note to say you weren't judging her at all, you're really sorry for upsetting her but we're just trying to answer a question honestly. Explain that you see it that any step kids deserve willing and committed step parents who would put them first and you just don't think you could fulfill that role at this point in your life. It doesn't mean you think any less of the parent.

I'd go with this and then leave it. I wouldn't keep on apologising to someone who'd called me a bitch but neither would I respond in the same way, not if overall I valued the friendship. Everyone has something they're touchy about and in her case, this is it.

There was a similar thread recently where someone had upset colleagues by saying they wouldn't date a single parent. The general consensus then was that you can date who you like. I think in my late 20s I'd have avoided anyone with kids. At that point I wanted to be a parent and wouldn't have wanted step kids.

Now I'm late 40s, have no children of my own and am dating someone with a child of secondary school age. It's a very different situation from yours. But I have to accept that at this point we have little chance to meet up during the week and his child will, quite rightly, come before me. But then I'm mainly looking for someone to meet up with at weekends and go on fun dates with, which is what we do so it works for us. I actually think coming second to his child is a pretty good place to be - but I wouldn't have wanted that 20 years ago. Things change.

FinallyHere · 08/03/2019 12:32

she called me a bitch and judgmental! Obviously, I apologised

I admire your boundaries for picking men to date. Your choice of 'friends' , though, maybe could do with some work.

AspasiaLunata · 08/03/2019 12:41

YANBU and you have nothing to apologise for (I have also been a successful single mum)

There are dozens of threads on here where a step mum is unhappy and she's told she shouldn't have dated a man with kids if she didn't want a step family.

Step families are very hard work and not always successful. Don't go there if you have any doubts!

Missingstreetlife · 08/03/2019 12:41

She is being silly. Why start a relationship with someone who doesn't want your kids. Will lead to all sorts of problems. Plenty of people don't mind being step parent, pick them. Not about judging her as single parent, it's the real difficulties inherent in blended families. Some people can deal with it but if you can't don't.

SoleBizzz · 08/03/2019 12:43

YANBU she is the bitch!

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 08/03/2019 12:53

I have DC and I don't think I'd date someone with DC either, especially if I were your age at mine I should be less picky but its hypothetical. Some people are fine with it, others aren't. It's a preference and that's fine.

Jeezoh · 08/03/2019 12:56

I wouldn’t date someone with kids but there’s obviously plenty of people who will. Your friend will hopefully calm down and realise what you said was a reflection of how you feel about your boundaries, not how you feel about single mums!

NameChangeNugget · 08/03/2019 13:03

She’s being ridiculous.

Would she be as offended if you said you wouldn’t date a fat bloke? We all have our preferences.

LegitimateShite · 08/03/2019 13:04

You don’t want a relationship with a man with kids - that is totally fine and great that you’ve realised this! Better to be honest than end up in a serious relationship down the line, caring for children you didn’t even want.

I was a single mom for a long time. I wouldn’t have been vaguely offended if somebody hadn’t wanted to date me because of that. Likewise, I actually told a male friend who did want to date me that he wasn’t thinking clearly, that I was a package deal and that I was well aware that my children didn’t fit into his preferred lifestyle.

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Alsohuman · 08/03/2019 13:04

I had that rule too because my son was grown up and I didn’t want to parent all over again. Then I met a man with three children and inconveniently fell in love, 21 years later we’re still together. Just goes to show how the best laid plans sometimes go awry!

lablablab · 08/03/2019 13:12

YANBU!

Lots of people go into a relationship with their eyes closed and without enough consideration for the dc involved and don't understand that step parenting can be really hard work. (It can also be lovely and rewarding too, just to clarify!)

But have your eyes open, your head screwed on and you know what you want. You can't go against your own wishes and if you did, that wouldn't be fair on anyone.

Your friend clearly has issues. It's sad that people could put off potential partners just because they have dc, but you can't help how you feel.

Yabbers · 08/03/2019 13:33

It's sad that people could put off potential partners just because they have dc, but you can't help how you feel

I don’t agree.

I wouldn’t have dated anyone who was a major football fan and went to a match every weekend and had to watch every match on TV. Or someone who played for a Sunday league. Or someone who regularly attended church. Or someone who worked away three weeks in a month.

If the person you want to date has a lifestyle that doesn’t fit yours, it’s not sad that you decide not to date them, whether that lifestyle is because of a hobby or because of a responsibility to others.

FermatsTheorem · 08/03/2019 13:39

YANBU.

I'm a single mum. I realise parenthood is not for everyone, coming into it as a step parent is a huge ask, and for someone in their twenties, you want a romantic relationship where you're the centre of each other's lives, which you will never be if you date a parent.

And well done for being clear sighted on this. The crap behaviour is actually from people who pretend they're okay with dating a parent, then kick off like a spoiled, petulant, jealous toddler when they realise that the parent can't just set their child aside to pay attention to the new partner.

Huskylover1 · 08/03/2019 13:40

Stop grovelling!

I am not single, but if I was, there's no way I'd date a man who had kids who were under 18. Because my own are grown up, and don't want to go back to having to care for children, or be tied down.

Cwtches123 · 08/03/2019 13:47

When I started dating again after my 16-year marriage I didn't want to date anyone with children as I didn't have children myself.
I think your friend is the one who needs to apologise!

SausageMashandOnionGravy · 08/03/2019 13:50

You did nothing wrong, sounds like the friend maybe somehow took the comment personally as she is a single parent herself.

I think a lot people would say the same at your age and in your position, I wouldn't have dated a man with children, I had no interest in raising someone else's children. Everyone has a choice in the kind of person they want to date.

AmIOTTconcerned · 08/03/2019 13:54

She's silly.

Original poster
Tarr · 08/03/2019 13:59

I can see that she has read my messages but still no response. I will give her space to hopefully calm down.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 08/03/2019 14:14

Oh just ignore her. Silly woman. Do not contact her again or apologise

How could any grown woman not know, that some people don't want to take on other people's children? I'm sure that she finds Tarquin and Rupert the most adorable people on the planet....I, on the other hand would find them extremely boring and a huge barrier to the kind of lifestyle that I want to lead.

Birdsgottafly · 08/03/2019 14:15

I agree that she's struggling with the thought of being single, for a long while, because she a child. Or she's been rejected by someone.

That's what it is really about.

You're of an age were you are looking for a possible relationship. Who would want a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be a Step-Parent, to their child?

It's best to know what your deal breakers are from the start.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/03/2019 14:19

Sounds like she has a massive chip on her shoulder.

I wouldn't have taken it like that. I also agree with you. I did date someone with kids and wouldn't do it again.

RightOnTheEdge · 08/03/2019 14:25

She totally over reacted. You have apologised. She should apologise too for calling you names.

I am a single mum and why would I want to get involved with someone who didn't want to date someone with kids?

I wouldn't hold it against them.

mindutopia · 08/03/2019 14:29

When I was in my late 20s, no way in hell I'd have dated someone with kids. It's a totally different kind of relationship and I wanted to start a family together (the first time around with someone). Some people don't want kids (including stepkids!). I wouldn't have dated people in certain professions either (that would have been incompatible with my life plans and goals). To each there own. Your friend is being rude and projecting her own issues onto you.