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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think a father should know

110 replies

GilmoreMe · 07/03/2019 21:31

How to get his own child ready for school?

DH has recently changed jobs so he is at home later in the mornings and is able to do the school run. I have taken some earlier shifts at work because of this change in circumstances.
DD is four.
The night before an early shift I have to lay out all uniform because he doesn't know where it is kept ( been in the same place since she started school and he has been shown), pack her lunch and make drinks because he doesn't know what she likes or what she is allowed to take, pack bags and make sure she has everything she needs - not a lot, just reading book and log and spellings book and pe kit twice a week- because he doesn't know what she needs on what days (there is a timetable on the fridge).
Is he absolutely ridiculous? Should he know these things or at least be able to learn these things. I mean I had to work it out!
I had agreed to an early shift today but had to rearrange because he said he simply couldn't get her ready for world book day Confused
I think I need to let him get on with it but at the same time feel bad that dd will not have what she needs at school and will turn up looking a mess or not in appropriate uniform. (Unbeknown to me, he had our neighbour do her hair a couple of times because he couldn't brush it or put it in a ponytail)

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 07/03/2019 21:33

Who has enabled him to have this cushy 4 years??

FanSpamTastic · 07/03/2019 21:33

Write him a list once and then leave him to it!

Tell DD to let him know when he gets it wrong!!!

peg90 · 07/03/2019 21:34

He "doesn't know" what to to because he knows you'll do it for him. I have this issue with my husband "not knowing" what housework needs done, as he knows I'll do it all. It pisses me off!
Let him do it without help and if it's wrong then he'll learn.
Ask him if he's so incompetent at work!

Rtmhwales · 07/03/2019 21:35

I'd probably leave out a list for the first week, honestly. Because it's just not that intuitive to some people/parents. Past a week though, I'd leave him to get on it.

I wouldn't be lying out clothes or making lunches though. Just a general list of these are where her uniforms are and these are the lunches she generally likes, now hop to it.

WhenZogateSuperworm · 07/03/2019 21:35

Stop enabling him to be so incompetent.

My DH doesn’t tend to get DS ready much because he is usually out the door first. But he would be more than capable of doing it if needed.

Show him where things are. Remind him about the schedule on the fridge and tell him to crack on with it.

Slowknitter · 07/03/2019 21:35

He is ridiculous. He's either genuinely useless (which is pathetic and unacceptable) or he's deliberately acting useless so as not to have to do stuff (which is manipulative and unacceptable).

Original poster
GilmoreMe · 07/03/2019 21:35

He has never been around in the mornings before so I don't think I have enabled him as such, just got on with it because I was the only parent at home in the mornings.

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 07/03/2019 21:35

What does he do for a job?
Is he able to remember where stuff lives in his workplace and follow a routine of repetitive tasks at work?
Does he remember to leave the house for work with keys/phone/bag?

Then he can get his child ready for school.
He is taking the piss.
Point out that he is a functional adult not a small child. Don't even engage in debate - of course he can prep his child for school.
Complex hair styles might take practice but there are videos of dads doing daughter's hair online he can learn from.

GiveMeSteam · 07/03/2019 21:36

Sounds like he’s got you well trained!

I mean that kindly OP, not being snarky.

Let him get it wrong once or twice if he must. If your 4yo is anything like mine she will soon make sure he never gets it wrong again Wink

Alloftheboys · 07/03/2019 21:37

Of course he should know how to get his child ready.
It’s a really unattractive trait in a partner (male or female) for them not to be able to do basic tasks.

PlayingForKittens · 07/03/2019 21:41

I used to be a sahm and dh worked office hours and was never there for school stuff. Then I started work and due to timings he became the one primarily responsible for school drop off, childminder drop off and associated crap. At first he was similarly useless because he'd never had to do it, not because he is shit or I'd enabled him but because those were our working hours. But he learned, we used lists until he got the hang of it and then he was fine.

These things go both ways. For a few years due to my work he was the primary food shopper, now it mostly falls to me again and I'm terrible at it. Improving but still tend to forget vital basics!

AfterSchoolWorry · 07/03/2019 21:43

Yeah. Unfortunately, men decide to be shit at this. Because they think it's beneath them.

I work with kids and can tell when a man who is playing dumb dressed the child. Ooh, I thought tights and leggings were the same! Sends child to school in tights and a top. Probably put on backwards. Wellies in summer heat. Socks with no shoes in the middle of winter, no coat etc

These men think they're adorable and endearing.

They're not. Childcare staff think they're wankers. We judge them. Don't put up with it.

RedSkyLastNight · 07/03/2019 21:43

I don't think he should automatically know how to do it if he's never been around to do it before.
But once you've shown him a couple of times, absolutely he should be able to do it.
Though your child should really be getting out their own uniform!

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 07/03/2019 21:48

It’s fair enough to not know if he has never been around and not been shown but unreasonable now that you have shown him and he is around.

My DH gets DD up in the morning for nursery and takes her there on his way to work. It’s just part of his routine and something I’m pretty confident most parents are capable of doing.

greenelephantscarf · 07/03/2019 21:52

yanbu
just leave him to it.
he will learn.

Mumsymumphy · 07/03/2019 21:54

Fair enough to not know at first. But now he does. And it's not rocket science.
It's the old 'do a job badly and they won't ask again' trick.

Hahaha88 · 07/03/2019 21:54

You're enabling him now, by not telling him to get the f on with it

Amfeelingfline · 07/03/2019 21:59

Write a list of what to do and marinate it so he can tick it as he goes, label drawers with clothes so he knows where things are, same with packed lunch but on the fridge or something, sounds basic but might help?

Amfeelingfline · 07/03/2019 22:00

Laminate not marinate😂

shitholiday2018 · 07/03/2019 22:02

Gosh there’s some men hating here! My husband is crap at this too but that’s because he’s never here because he works a 70 hour week being the breadwinner. For which I am unbelievably grateful and appreciative. I do sometimes get frustrated because it seems utterly intuitive to me as primary career to know the various stages required to get a child ready. That is not so intuitive when you haven’t had years of practice and tweaking. And I wouldn’t be able to go into his job and do the things he finds intuitive either, so it’s horses for courses. Remember you are a team.

Be kind, be helpful, but lower your standards. She might not have great hair and she might forget some of her stuff. She’s four, this is not going to affect her career prospects. Do hand over all the jobs but let him make his own mistakes. Be reassuring about dress up days (don’t we all hate them?) but don’t step in. If he gets lunch or dinner wrong, let your daughter deal with that. Let them establish this new relationship on their own terms, without either handholding or judgement.

BlueJava · 07/03/2019 22:04

You seem to be enabling him to carry on in this way - show him where the stuff is: leave him to it.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 07/03/2019 22:04

Tell him to Parent Up and get on with it.

Original poster
GilmoreMe · 07/03/2019 22:07

Dd is absolutely capable of getting her own uniform out but she's 4. She has 'jobs' to do in the morning. She makes her bed, opens her curtains, feeds her fish and rabbit, brushes her teeth. She does these things reliably and without prompting. I feel DH should do some things as part of her morning routine as I do when I'm at home and ensuring she is appropriately dressed is one of those things.
I've got everything ready for tomorrow but over the weekend I'm going to sit down with DH and go through everything he needs to do again and leave him to it from next week.

OP posts:
RainbowMum11 · 07/03/2019 22:07

Yep - leave him to it, he's not incapable, it's just easier for him to let you keep doing it all.

XH used to pretend to be a bit useless, but since he left, if he wants to see his DD he's had to step up and is a great Dad now.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 07/03/2019 22:07

Leave him too it, I doubt you married an idiot. He will find the uniform and learn just like you did what she likes and is allowed to take.
You are enabling him.