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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think a father should know

110 replies

GilmoreMe · 07/03/2019 21:31

How to get his own child ready for school?

DH has recently changed jobs so he is at home later in the mornings and is able to do the school run. I have taken some earlier shifts at work because of this change in circumstances.
DD is four.
The night before an early shift I have to lay out all uniform because he doesn't know where it is kept ( been in the same place since she started school and he has been shown), pack her lunch and make drinks because he doesn't know what she likes or what she is allowed to take, pack bags and make sure she has everything she needs - not a lot, just reading book and log and spellings book and pe kit twice a week- because he doesn't know what she needs on what days (there is a timetable on the fridge).
Is he absolutely ridiculous? Should he know these things or at least be able to learn these things. I mean I had to work it out!
I had agreed to an early shift today but had to rearrange because he said he simply couldn't get her ready for world book day
I think I need to let him get on with it but at the same time feel bad that dd will not have what she needs at school and will turn up looking a mess or not in appropriate uniform. (Unbeknown to me, he had our neighbour do her hair a couple of times because he couldn't brush it or put it in a ponytail)

OP posts:

Jackshouse · 07/03/2019 22:08

Tell him what needs to be done and he can write his bloody list.

JohnnyHatesJazz · 07/03/2019 22:11

Tell him tonight that from Monday, you will not be helping him. Then bite your tongue and sit on your hands and let him get on with it. Stop martyring yourself.

shitholiday2018 · 07/03/2019 22:11

I think you also need to accept tha5 there is more than one way to skin a cat. Your mornings, your rules. His mornings, his rules. If you’re not there, you don’t get to police how, when and if things are done. He is an equal parent remember.

Akire · 07/03/2019 22:12

Label draws!! Presumable you don’t live in a mansion so clothes either be in her wardrobe, draws or ironing/washing pile. Not that hard. If he sorts washing of uniform then he learn where it goes easy.

Packet lunch may need list of what random things they are allowed or not but then good to go. Is he really that uncaring or stupid not to be able read timetable on frusgecsaying PE kit Monday’s and fridays? Does he not remember what’s it like to wear or not have right thing but do it anyway?

mamato3lads · 07/03/2019 22:12

Mines the same. Sent one of our DS into school with cold toast in his lunchbox. When I asked why , was told that's what DS had "asked for "

MoBiroBo · 07/03/2019 22:16

Get him to make a list for himself, don't do one for him.

He can list all the lunch ideas DD likes, remind himself to look at the timetable to see what days she needs her PE kit etc.

He has to learn to do this. I am assuming no-one taught you to do it you just learnt on the job. He is a functioning adult, leave him to it.

BertrandRussell · 07/03/2019 22:16

Talk him through it in detail once.

Then just go.

adaline · 07/03/2019 22:17

Well, how did you learn what to do? You figured it out yourself, yes? So why can he not do the same?

speakout · 07/03/2019 22:18

I couldn't get too worked up about this.

I wsa a SAHM for many years, OH worked long hours and left usually 8am so was rarely there to oversee kids getting ready for school.

So he wouldn't know much about which shorts fitted best for gym/preferred lunch items/ways to do hair etc.

No opportunity or need for him to be involved.
He would have managed in an emergency, but no point in being involved really.

What is a Label draws???? Akire?

WanderingDaffodil · 07/03/2019 22:18

I'd leave him to it. You also need to let him make mistakes, even if they impact your child. He has to have a chance to learn how to do it if you have been doing it all up until now.

If she complains when she gets back from school that something was missing you just say repeatedly 'you need to let Daddy know so he remembers next time'.

Getting everything ready the night before is surely obvious anyway? Most of the lunch is prepared the night before? You can make the sandwich bit the night before but we usually made that in the morning. But everything else was in the lunch box before bed, along with drinks in the fridge.

Presumably you had the World Book Day stuff ready before the morning? Our kids are now teens and they now automatically get everything ready the night before. Mornings are for breakfast and showers. Not packing bags.

Akire · 07/03/2019 22:19

Someone suggested you label draws, presumable meaning he coulnt actually open to find which one held pants or socks.

CloserIAm2Fine · 07/03/2019 22:22

Of course he should! So stop enabling him! I’m sure he’s not so useless and deliberately helpless at work! So there’s absolutely no reason he should be at home. He is choosing to not learn this stuff because he knows you’ll do it for him, which is really not an attractive trait in anyone!

speakout · 07/03/2019 22:22

Akire

Ok I understand now- are you talking about drawers?

Fairenuff · 07/03/2019 22:28

Another one of those martyr threads.

Leave him to it. He'll learn just like you did.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 07/03/2019 22:30

I sort everything out because I like things done a certain way, if I do forget an on the the very odd occasion DP is here in the morning he knows what they are supposed to wear. I do sort thier lunches out as I know exact,y what they eat and what they don’t, he does know to a certain extent. Generally he should have a rough idea of how and what to do.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 07/03/2019 22:34

It's strategic incompetence. Very unattractive.

wineandroses1 · 07/03/2019 22:35

Really? Has your DH never had to care for his child? What about when said child was a baby (paternity leave?) or when you’re all on holiday, or every weekend? How dim (or disengaged) do you have to be to not know how to dress, feed, organise your child of a morning? It’s totally ridiculous. If he has a brain in his head he can do this without you having to do ‘prep’ stuff like laying out the child’s clothes and making their lunch etc. He can do this. He’d just rather not. It’s your job.

I have a fully engaged, fully employed DH who loves his child and can do everything that I can do (and in some areas more). I think that is totally normal, not something exceptional.

LonginesPrime · 07/03/2019 22:43

Can he dress himself?

I would sit him down and explain to him the negative impact his disorganisation is having on his daughter. If he still can't step up, then I would personally be questioning why I am choosing to co-parent (and I use the term loosely) with this person.

Incidentally, OP, I think it's thoroughly unfair that some PPs are blaming you for your husband being a crappy parent. He's the shit one!

EugenesAxe · 07/03/2019 22:45

My DH is equally helpless with things like this. He always says "you do it all the time, you don't realise it's hard for others" - down to things like where to park to drop the children at school, let alone what they need etc. At work he has a ton of responsibility and an important role, but outside this bubble he gets so flustered about 'the unknown'. His DM was the same so I think it's learned behaviour; it is the only thing that niggles in our relationship! I tend to have the attitude "the way I've chosen to do this is correct until I'm told it's not", and don't tend to panic at anything mundane like 'the place where you enter school' (an example, I kid not).

It always invariably ends with me shouting "I didn't know the first time either! I just worked it out!"

I'm pretty much the same as Shitholiday2018 actually.

MumUnderTheMoon · 07/03/2019 22:45

He'll never do it if you do. Show him where everything is and teach him how to do her hair.

flingingmelon · 07/03/2019 22:53

What everyone else says.

He needs to know if he screws it up he's letting his child down, not encouraging you to take over.

DrWhy · 07/03/2019 22:55

Talk him through it once, make a list of necessary and then let him get on with it, a four year old can probably prompt him. DH has been taking 2.5 year old DS to nursery since I’ve been on maternity and yes he lets him wear clothes combinations I wouldn’t but he always makes sure there is stuff in his bag to keep him warm and dry if needed and I can often hear him crashing about hunting for the specific toddler requested socks - if they aren’t in the sock drawer or the washing basket he’ll check out the washing machine and tumble dryer in the garage, it surely can’t be any harder to find school uniform.

LannieDuck · 07/03/2019 23:00

The trouble with you doing it is he's still not learning.

I would just leave him to get on with it. When he can't find her uniform, he'll ask her. They'll figure it out between them. I'm sure he can have a guess at what goes in a lunch box. For the PE kit, leave a note to remind him her timetable is on the fridge.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 07/03/2019 23:05

why can’t he do it the night before so that if he can’t find anything he has time to look for it, or check the school website to see what is allowed on lunch boxes etc?

goldengummybear · 07/03/2019 23:09

He is being pathetic (apart from one-offs like WBD)

It sounds like clothes isn't a problem because your dd knows what to wear. With regards to lunch, assuming that it's the same thing daily he should know since you have shown him once. Maybe suggest he puts a phone reminder on for pe days.

Assuming she has at most a wardrobe and a chest of drawers, I think that most adults could locate uniform in her room. Bizarre that he can't find it?!

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