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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think a father should know

110 replies

GilmoreMe · 07/03/2019 21:31

How to get his own child ready for school?

DH has recently changed jobs so he is at home later in the mornings and is able to do the school run. I have taken some earlier shifts at work because of this change in circumstances.
DD is four.
The night before an early shift I have to lay out all uniform because he doesn't know where it is kept ( been in the same place since she started school and he has been shown), pack her lunch and make drinks because he doesn't know what she likes or what she is allowed to take, pack bags and make sure she has everything she needs - not a lot, just reading book and log and spellings book and pe kit twice a week- because he doesn't know what she needs on what days (there is a timetable on the fridge).
Is he absolutely ridiculous? Should he know these things or at least be able to learn these things. I mean I had to work it out!
I had agreed to an early shift today but had to rearrange because he said he simply couldn't get her ready for world book day Confused
I think I need to let him get on with it but at the same time feel bad that dd will not have what she needs at school and will turn up looking a mess or not in appropriate uniform. (Unbeknown to me, he had our neighbour do her hair a couple of times because he couldn't brush it or put it in a ponytail)

OP posts:
skankingpiglet · 07/03/2019 23:24

My 4yo knows very well how and in which order things need to be done in the morning, and what is needed for each day's activities even if she can't do it all herself just yet.
In your situation I'd explain once to DH and then leave it to DD1 to correct him when it isn't done to her exacting standards. I would gently remind the night before when PE kit is required for the following day for a few weeks, after that I'd expect DH to manage his own timetabling.
I'm utterly fed up with 'wife work' so refuse to do any that isn't directly related to the tasks I specifically carry out.

I'm sure your 4yo will be happy to point out what's needed, and after a few fails on DH's part he'll get the hang of it. Forgetting her PE kit or him getting a telling off from the teacher for sending squash instead of water won't cause her any long term harm.

As for hair, my DDs have long ringlets. I've had short straight hair for the last 22yrs, and before that it was only ever pulled back into a ponytail. I was not exactly well-placed to do their hair either but I've taken the time to learn! it's been a steep learning curve

Everydayimhuffling · 08/03/2019 05:00

Get HIM to make it easier for himself. So he lays out her clothes the night before, sets PE reminders in his phone, and writes himself a list of lunch ideas. I think you are right to go through it again at the weekend and then leave him to it even if he gets it wrong a few times. I would also get him to practice hair with her a few times over the weekend when it's not a rush. Have a 'Daddy Salon' and have a bit of fun with it, but it might make him feel more confident with that part.

Smotheroffive · 08/03/2019 05:08

Did you say he holds down a job, wellnid like to know how the hell he manages that if he can't manage to find clothes or school things???

He's taking the piss out of you nasty fucker and letting down your DD (he can't do it cos it women's work)

Smotheroffive · 08/03/2019 05:10

Don't stoop to explaining anything to him again he's already chosen to ignore everything you've already done and said to help him. He doesn't want helping, go to work and leave him to it and the school can contact him if there's a problem.

MeltyTalented · 08/03/2019 05:18

Let him do it the night before so that you're there if he needs to ask you anything.

He hasn't taken over the morning routine, you've juat ended up shifting yours!

Tell him to get on with it, I don't believe for one second that a grown man cant prepare a packed lunch for his own four year old or lay her uniform out. He's letting you do it because he can't be arsed.

Newyearbollocks · 08/03/2019 05:41

If he messed up a couple of times having not done it before, I'd give him that. Just the same as I would grandparents ect helping and new to it. Then I would leave him too it. You are essentially enabling him to do it.
Realistically nothing has changed. You still perform all the work, he sleeps in a little longer and drops her off at school.
He needs a sharp shock.
Get up and leave a text on his phone stating it's his turn to sort it out. Takes a second to whip a sandwich together and pull uniform out of the draw on a morning.

BitchQueen90 · 08/03/2019 06:04

My exh has been caring for DS alone since he was 10 months old as we have been divorced since then and he has DS on overnights. Not once has he needed to ask me how to get DS ready for school, he just gets on with it. It's not complicated. Hmm

Some of the men I read about on here sound bloody useless.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 08/03/2019 06:18

My DH tried that shit one day. ONE DAY. That was all that shit took before he was suddenly capable.

AlexaAmbidextra · 08/03/2019 06:23

Of course he knows. He’s just fucking lazy. Beats me why so many women pander to these useless sods.

Newuseroftheweek · 08/03/2019 06:46

www.scarymommy.com/when-mother-knows-best-its-the-worst/

rwalker · 08/03/2019 06:48

He's never done it due to work so he won't know. You have done it for years got yourself in a routine. You need to help him as people said do a list and LEAVE him to it. Barging in and doing it and slagging him off does not help anyone .

Smotheroffive · 08/03/2019 06:56

Op already did all that and he can't manage

adaline · 08/03/2019 07:00

Op already did all that and he can't manage

Of course he can manage! Why on earth can't be? He's just choosing not to because if he pretends he's incompetent someone else will do it for him!

Iggly · 08/03/2019 07:02

Gosh there’s some men hating here! My husband is crap at this too but that’s because he’s never here because he works a 70 hour week being the breadwinner

He sounds like a saint. Not that he’s able to work such hours due to you doing it all Hmm

The OP has told him how to. He’s just being a lazy fucker.

Stop doing it OP but give warnings first. Then your dd won’t be affected as he does know what to do, he’s just relying on you to save him time

Teateaandmoretea · 08/03/2019 07:05

He's never done it due to work so he won't know. You have done it for years got yourself in a routine.

No, shes been doing it for 6 months at the most as her dd is only 4.

He's taking the piss op, pure and simple. I think you need to leave for work earlier tbh.

GemmeFatale · 08/03/2019 07:18

I’d sit down this weekend and discuss changing your wills to reflect the fact he’s not capable of parenting solo. Work our who will have your child if you die and he doesn’t, work out how much (supervised because he can’t cope alone) contact he will get and how/where, talk about how you will need to change your life insurance so her new guardian would benefit so they could use the money for your child.

ThriftyMcThrifty · 08/03/2019 07:27

Just don’t do it. I work from 7am tree times a week and I get up at 6.30am, throw lunch in my bag and go to work. My husband gets up at 7am, packs lunches, dresses the three year old (making an awful messs of her hair haha) and gets the 7 year old to remember to pack his homework etc. Yes they are late sometimes - never late on my days, when I pack lunch the night before. But I don’t interfere in his method, as that would involve me taking over and packing lunches the night before. Instead I’d rather he just did things his own way.

ThriftyMcThrifty · 08/03/2019 07:31

Also the kids don’t always brush their teeth on the days daddy takes them to school. Honestly? I don’t care - they brush them every other morning and every night. I am a natural micromanager but have learnt to let my husband just get on with things his own way. And actually I’ve learnt from him - he’s much more chilled about his mornings and you know what, that works fine.

anniehm · 08/03/2019 07:35

Packing the bag and laying out uniform the night before makes sense as at even four children get dressed themselves. He can make the packed lunch and work out if it's pe day

TheInvestigator · 08/03/2019 07:40

Why aren’t you making him do it with you? He doesn’t know, so why didn’t you spend this week going round doing together so he could learn? Why do it for him?

yearinyearout · 08/03/2019 07:50

Just write him a list of suitable things for her lunch bag and leave it in the kitchen. Put a sticker on her book bag with list of required contents. Then let him get on with it, it will be one routine for him within a week, he's only acting useless because you let him.

Frouby · 08/03/2019 07:53

DH sometimes tries this.
Where are ds clothes? In the fridge.

What does he have for breakfast? Smoked mackerel and toasted pine nuts.

Where do I pick him up from? You know where you dropped him off, don't go back there.

Where are his wellies? In the bath.

It's just a tactic to try and get someone else to do the actual thinking and working shit out for them. DH is a self employed builder, manages million pound contracts and men, attends site meetings with investors and contractors, has worked all over the world. Yet getting one small boy ready for school is apparently beyond him.

He stopped asking stupid questions when he started getting stupid answers. Stupid answers and 'oh hold on, let me just ask my fanny the answer, because obviously having a fanny makes me the all knowing oracle for all things wifework'.

He's 51 btw, we have been together 13 years and it's been a steep learning curve for him but he is slowly getting there.

It also helps that ds at 5 also takes some responsibility for himself. He knows the routine, he knows what happens and when and he knows what the adult should be doing and when.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 08/03/2019 08:00

He’ll learn, but you could stick some check lists on the fridge to help. Most people do better if you don’t highlight their incompetence and you ignore their disasters. The world will not end off dd has a non favourite lunch item or forgets a book. He may do it better than you soon.

vdbfamily · 08/03/2019 08:04

I think it is unfair to get upset about someone taking on a new role and not remembering everything straight away. Why not just make a checklist he can look at for next couple of weeks. If you have always laid out uniform night before, why not continue to do so so that you are sharing the load and it is not all him or you. When my husband first started being in charge of school run with our 3 , he turned up at school on the first week with a hairbrush and elastic and asked headteacher if she could do our daughters ponytail!!! She told me this weeks later....he never confessed!!! I found it a nightmare remembering everything when my first started school and I was a SAHM so no work to rush to after( but 2 pre schoolers to keep me busy)

Original poster
GilmoreMe · 08/03/2019 08:09

Some interesting replies.
I do not enable my husband. I am doing the things I'm doing so our daughter doesn't suffer the consequences.
DH gets all emails from school, the same ones that I get. So he should know that dd can't have products containing nuts and more recently things containing sesame seeds. However he claims he doesn't know these things so if I just leave him to it he might pack up a peanut butter sandwich which will be taken away if spotted at school - dd will suffer due to his incompetence. This is an example of why I am still organising the school drop off even though I'm not doing it.
In my opinion he should make it his business to know these things. He has access to the same information that I do. I make it my business to know these things.

OP posts: