AIBU in saying that males are not inherently violent?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Today I was having a debate with a few female colleagues about men and violence after one of our colleagues (male) had been jumped last night by three other men who then stole from him and beat him up.

This including us talking about DV, general assaults, murders, violence in gangs, mass murderers, injuries caused to children (including causing them death), acts of terrorism, rapes, and petty (but serious) drunken brawls that occur on Friday/Saturday nights. One of my colleagues said it isn’t just coincidence that the perpetrators of the above crimes are more often than not carried out by a male.

She said that she often wonders what it is that makes men do these things whereas women generally don’t - well at least not to the degree that men do.

I just sort of shrugged my shoulders and she then said that it must be in their DNA because what else is the fundamental difference between men and women if not our genetic make up?

I told her I felt uncomfortable about that train of thought as I have two sons and I didn’t like to think of them having something present in their DNA that meant they had the potential to be seriously violent towards others.

I said that there are instances of women murderers, female gangs, females who caused DV, females who brawl when drunk, females who hurt children etc and so how could she say it was DNA related? I also said that if it were related to DNA then how come every man isn’t violent and capable of such awful crimes? She then just reiterated that the number of men who commit these crimes compared to women is staggering and that’s the only explanation she can think of.

I told her that surely it is society and other external factors that play a huge role in what causes a man to be a violent one but she was very non-committal about my suggestion.

I then left the conversation feeling slightly uncomfortable and as I walked away I heard her say to our colleagues that I was “so naive” and then she laughed

Was IBU to make my points or am I just being a soft touch by not wanting to believe that men (not all, obviously) will always be violent, that the potential is always within them and that’s just the way it is? It sounds so ridiculous that I still can’t quite believe that she said it or thinks it.

@RatRolyPoly that's a good point actually about doing what works - I'm hardly going to get my way by physically bullying people at 8stone and 5'4 so I, and the majority of women, have developed other methods of getting our way (pacifying, convincing) whereas some men will go straight for strength as it generally works.

Good point.

Oooh, River, just noticed you called me a "gaslighter extraordinaire"; quite flattering really, because what you're saying is that I had the power to make you doubt your own opinions and wonder if perhaps what you believed to be true isn't so.... which, in a debate where my only tools were logically reasoned arguments, that's probably quite the compliment!

Surely only a narcissist would take being accused of gaslighting as a compliment?

its interesting this idea of looking at other mammals and saying the males are more violent. The women are often the hunters or will defend their young against other species.

The males tend to fight each other for a mate / resources for accessing a mate.

(caveat - I literally know nothing about this subject, this opinion is based watching bbc documentaries )

Sorry if anyone has mentioned this - I haven't read the whole thread but I think every woman should read a book called 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin De Becker - especially us parents of boys!
This is the opening paragraph!

Isn't increased aggression linked to higher levels of testosterone?

@grasspigeons 😂

The obvious answer is that it's a bit of both.

I’m not sure I agree. I wanted to believe that before I had dd but now dd is in primary school and I’ve had some of the joys over it’s absolutely shocking the differences.

When dd was in reception we went to a boys house and the boy went over and got a large toy and dropped it on dd face whilst she was lying down in their garden. I’ve had nothing like that from the girls. My dd tried to stay away from the boys at school because they can be pretty rough.