Gossip that has gone very wrong

[ChorltonCreamery]

One of my children is in an 'organisation' think church group, Scouts etc They are in a friendship group of about six or eight and the mothers are friendly enough, if some of them don't know each other they will have mutual friends etc.
One of the women 'A' is a real character, very funny and charismatic with very talented and charming children. When one of her children came to my child's birthday party I thought that her grandfather had brought her...it was their father. A is married to a man old enough to be her father. He has grandchildren who are older than his children with A.
At the weekend the mothers went out together for the first time but 'A' couldn't come. The conversation turned to 'A' and the relationship that she had with this man. At no point was it 'nasty' as such but comments were made about the age gap etc. One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad.
Well last night in front of some of the children 'A' confronted us! She had been briefed (I think by a woman at the next table to us who had lingered after her bill came). She completely demolished us intellectually, asking what had she done to provoke such a reaction and picked on us individually. Unforgivably she then asked a teenager whether her mother had brought her up to behave so despicably a manner and whether she thought it was appropriate to gossip behind people's backs. One of the group disappeared round a corner and was sick.
It was utterly hideous. I know I am guilty of joining in. I don't know what to do. One of the other children has told my child what happened. Only one of the group has responded to my text saying that she thinks that 'the circle' is at an end and the other person that she has spoken to has spent the morning in bed with a migraine.
I know I am to blame for joining in but I didn't initiate the gossip, but how would you react now. What is the way forward?

Poor A! How narrow minded are these men who can’t/won’t talk to a man who is technically old enough to be their father !?!

I would send a card and a bunch of flowers as an apology!

I suspect though that she’s better off in circles that are both more intelligent/intellectual and mature

Say sorry that you were involved, then politely keep your distance from now on.

I would be surprised if it’s the first time this age gap has been gossiped about. We all gossip at times (even the mumsnetters saying you are awful for joining in)! and we are all gossiped about too! It’s a fact of life, it’s not good, it’s not bad, it is what it is. The only difference here is that you’ve been caught and called out. And who caused all of this upset? The ‘friend’ who listened in, chose not to say anything to you all and then went and told tales which she knew would hurt.

Wow I thought there must have been a huge development for this to get to 24 pages but no.

I feel like I’m in Groundhog Day or Russian Doll or something

Of course you must have all been shocked to see her with someone old enough to be her dad

Sure, maybe - the first time they met him. But if they’ve known her for a while and they are friends, presumably they’ve got used to the fact. My friend is married to a vicar. Quite often, people will say “Gosh, I didn’t know her husband was a vicar” on first meeting him. If they said it every time they saw him thereafter, however, it would be very strange.....as they then know what he does, so it is no longer worthy of comment. It’s the same here, surely? They knew he was older as they’ve met him several/many times. So why is it a topic of conversation?

It's kinda ironic how so many are bitchin' about the op bitchin!

Round of applause for Woman A. You all sound like a hideous bunch of pricks. And yes, you all gossiped - now face the consequences.

Vulpine no, folk are responding (which the OP can see, so it's not behind her back) to her utterly ridiculous response to being called out on bitching. Entirely not the same thing.

I still can't get over the power of A - by speech alone she can make a grown woman vomit and reduce another to her bed with a migraine.

In the future, to confirm their longevity on MN posters will no longer say pom bears, penis beaker and Maui - mention of A's powers will be sufficient

You say that 'A' is "a real character, very funny and charismatic" and that her children are "talented and charming". She is seemingly happy in her relationship and both she and her husband are involved in their children's lives, take them to activities etc. I'd say 'A' sounds like the sort of woman most people would be happy to have as a friend. And good on her for being assertive and confident enough to call you all out, as a group and individually, on your immature behaviour. You stated that 'A' "completely demolished us intellectually" - so she is also a smart cookie, and though I normally advocate nobody being better than the next person, maybe this is an exception and she really is too good for a group of gossipy women!

Whether you and the rest of this group of friends meant to be malicious or not, it doesn't seem very nice to talk about someone in their absence, nor is it anyone's business to gossip about her marriage. As for the husband of one of your gossip-group that "found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad", like the rest of you he needs to grow up.

At the very least all of you owe her a massive apology but I wouldn't be at all surprised if she wants nothing to do with any of you now - why should she trust that you won't gossip/bitch about her, her marriage, or any other aspect of her or her children's lives next time her back is turned. I'm not sure cards, flowers and chocolates will fix this one, but I do hope you all learn some very valuable lessons from it and never repeat the behaviour

You all behaved horribly, becuase quute frankly she intimidates you. Apoligise the lot of you- you've behaved terribly.

So many people saying we all gossip. I'm not sure that's true. I meet my two BF for lunch every week or so. We may exchange information about others We all know as in "such and such is getting married/isn't well etc) but we don't indulge in saying hurtful things about each other. The only thing I can think would happen if one of us commented on the age difference between a couple would go along the lines of, yes there is an age difference. The end.

To be honest, my friends and I have so much else to talk about (out own lives, politics, our children) other people rarely get a look in.

I think the OP and her friends did much more than merely mentioning the age gap. Bitching is not nice, OP. Don't do it again

ChorltonSreamery. I started reading the thread then decided to come out with my reactions without being influenced.

So, first as I see it what might have happened is:
Your group talked about their age gap while she was not there, which is normal in the circumstances quite honestly, even if there could have been some more care taken to make sure everything said was positive and did not get picked up by the children in a negative way.
I am upset that you say:
One parent admitted that the family had not been invited to a gathering at a school friend's house because the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad. This person and her husband sound immature and unkind to me and certainly she should never have said that in front of the children.
Obviously whatever the child told the mother A it came across as a very bad piece of gossiping. I would dissociate myself from a person (and her husband) like that.
In your own position, you have been caught in a ghastly situation which was very difficult to deal with. It's all very well for people to say you shouldn't have joined in or whatever, but how many people don't say something benign thinking it is not going to hurt?
I think in your place I would buy a big bunch of flowers, and go and see A and her husband and explain how deeply upset and sorry you are. Say you were not the instigator of the topic and that nobody was unkind except for that one remark which you took objection to. (Assuming this is so.) Tell them that your relationship with them is the same as it has always been and you are deeply sorry for whatever the child said had been said, but that you have never said anything negative about them or their respective ages. You were caught up in the conversation and could not stop it.
My husband was 14 years older than I. I married young. However it was not the same as this. One or two studentsI knew at Uni were rude and ignorant but I wasn't bothered about it at that time. But it was a different situation I think.

It's by no means as bad but once I had a bad experience in a group on a Hurtigruten Northern Lights cruise, after my husband died. All the single people bar one couple were seated together on one of the round tables for evening dinner. We weren't allowed to move around! Towards the end of the journey a man's credit card did not go through. The Waitress came to the man next to me and quietly leaned in to him and said "I am sorry Sir, there is a problem with your card," whereupon he shouted "You should be sorry! That's not my card!" It was the card of the man next to him.

The next thing to happen was the Dining room Manager came and stood about a metre away from our table, behind the ladies, nowhere near the rude man and started saying loudly "I will not have anybody being rude to my staff!" At first we thought he was teasing us because we liked the Waitresses. But he kept going on and on and was extremely rude to us, blaming us all for treating the Waitress badly, making her cry, etc.. Most people at the table did not know what he was talking about! He decided that as all of us were the British crowd at this table, we were all to blame for the one man whom none of us knew and had nothing to do with. It ruined the whole trip for me. I tried to go and speak to him and tell him it was nothing to do with us all, just that one man, but the arrogant sod hid away and refused to come out again.
I suppose this is the nearest I have been to being affected by one person's lack of courtesy and caring being attributed to a whole group of us including me. It really upset me!
I think you should tell A that everyone with possibly one thoughtless and immature exception, was supportive to her and her husband. You know it was wrong to talk about them, but none of you intended anything hurtful. It might be that the children have exaggerated a bit because that does happen.
I do feel very sorry for A, as I expect you do too. Please try and comfort her and please tell her how sorry you are and that you never wanted to get sucked in to the conversation but that it was in essence only kind about her and her H, apart from one stupid remark, from which you disassociate yourself.
Good luck.

I think A deserves a huge apology and yeah, the group is probably broke, and you do deserve that. However as for all of you calling the OP lots of nasty names etc etc, you are just as bad!!! You have a very brief story of what went on yet you are ranting & raving. I think they all know they were in the wrong, no need to make them feel like jumping off a fucking bridge. You are just as nasty a bunch of bitches

Here’s what you can do - realise you are a see you next Tuesday and take a huge life lesson from this.
I’ve been lady A and it’s horrific. You are a small minded, spineless poor example of a role model.

Agree with other posters, you need to apologize to her. I feel like we're getting half the story though, what adult throws up around a corner when a minor argument happens?

All I know is if you feel something is wrong (and it comes across like you do) front up to it and apologise . To her face, not with message/card . Then you can show you can be adult and explain face to face. Much better. X

ChorltonCreamery. Sorry about name in last post! (Huh! last post!)
I'll try and be sensible now - on strong painkillers -
Above I missed a point about the gossipy cow on the next table. She's the shit stirrer and the one who isn't the friend of A! She's just a slimy piece of muck-raking arse-licking point-scoring by dropping you in the shit trouble-making bitch that needs calling out in this. How well did she convey the exact truth to friend A? Lavishings of extra helpings of how mean you were and nastiness I bet!
Also A isn't quite the poor little victim I first imagined! To say that to a teenager! WtF had the teenager done? No! Mrs A is not an entirely nice kind Christian lady. Hurt she may be, but after all, has she not noticed that her children have step-siblings who are older/same age as their mum and that they are kind of Aunty/Uncle to someone older than them? I mean, if the cap fits? OK love triumphs but people will talk about it - so suck it up A.
I still stick with apologising, putting her straight on what actually happened, telling her only one comment was not to your approval but all the rest were benign. In view of her tearing in to you all one after another, I think she's had her revenge. It doesn't sound as if she was prepared to ask what was actually said either. And talking about people will happen. I would say that talking about people is absolutely normal in the human species. Why the heck do we buy magazines about what Pop stars are doing? (Well you know - some people read them.) It's the woman on the next table who is the gossip. Talking can be harmless. Gossip is deliberately stirring shit. If A prefers her as a friend that's her choice. I have to say some of the worst people at gossiping in a shit-stirring way behind people's backs that I have experienced were associated with or met in Church groups. Uuuuugggghhhhh that's me, who is a committed Christian, shuddering!

You've been caught out, own it and apologise and mean it and hopefully she will forgive you. Don't try to make excuses or minimise it or say how much the experience has upset you that just makes it worse.
The group probably won't be the same again right away (if ever) but you all need to learn from this experience and not gossip about your friends anymore.

the husband had found it weird to have to talk to someone old enough to be his dad

I'm still trying to comprehend this. Can't talk to an older person ? Pathetic ..

For the love of god, A sounds like a right drama llama I'm clearly on my own here but I'd be wary of person like her. One foot wrong and she'll bite your head off.

If I'd happen to overhear people gossiping about someone I know, I would keep it to myself unless it was something really malicious. Running to the person who has been gossiped about, is just shit stirring and will hurt this person's feelings.

Work out what the woman likes, get her a massive expensive bottle of it, or box of it or box set of it and write an apologetic card asking her for a coffee (on you, naturally) whenever she feels ready but that you would totally understand that she wouldn't ever want to. Not much more than that can you do now that the cringe has happened. Oh, and distance yourself from the couple that includes the bloke who said he would feel uncomfortable talking to an older person, because he is clearly very immature and a bit of a prick.

There was a very insightful post upthread - apologies, I can't remember who it was - who suggested it was possibly someone from the group who tattled to A, rather than someone at the next table, and that does seem more likely.

A seems to have a searingly accurate transcription of events - enough not to even bother questioning it, and to be able to individually take each person (+ teenager) down.

For it to have been the person at the next table, they'd have had stop talking to their companion completely and listen in quite obviously, in order to take it all in in such detail. Seems improbable.

In any case, as much as this has been a very hard lesson for the OP and friends to learn, whoever it was that went back to A and offloaded such hurtful comments to the nth degree, needs to take a good look at themselves, too.

Gossip is always wrong.

If you couldn't say to her face what you were saying behind her back then you shouldn't have been saying it, should you?

That being said, I actually don't think A covered herself in glory either.

If I understand you correctly, your gossiping was at a get together of mothers, without children present; still wrong, but not involving the children.

By dragging someone's child into it and trying to set them against their parent when they weren't involved in the original incident A seems to have lowered herself to about the same level.

I'm also not going to be so quick to judge the husband who didn't want to invite the older man to a gathering at his house; his house, his guest list. Who is anyone to judge in the nasty way that most on here have judged. He feels weird talking to old men. That's his experience and who knows what has led to it?

And goodness knows what possessed someone to stay behind and eavesdrop so that they could relay everything to A. I don't understand any of you to be honest.