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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is bad parenting, right?

90 replies

DontKnowWhatToDo12 · 06/03/2019 16:11

Neither DH nor I are working. I am on mat leave and he was made redundant and will be SAHD when I go back.

I have said to him recently that it feels like I do all the childcare for our 5 month old and we haven't mastered independent naps yet so I have to take him out in the pram. DH exercises 2 hours+ a day in our home gym, he can (and does) go out for a day occasionally to drink with friends or go to the football but I don't feel like I get any "me" time in return. Even just a long bath would be nice.

His first suggestion was that we should put the baby in a chair bouncer whilst he exercises each day. I don't want to do this as the baby needs a lot of interaction and isn't really happy being in the bouncer for more than about 10 minutes. I am pissed off that his first suggestion was basically to neglect our child rather than either looking at all the hours he is not exercising or maybe exercising less. I was raised by a neglectful SAHD who spent most of the day on his hobby so this is a sore spot for me and he knows it. He doesn't understand why I am still upset though because he says not going to do it.

He doesn't think it would be neglectful anyway. This is making me worried about his judgement and leaving him as SAHD.

I feel like my marriage is dying. Help! Should we get counselling?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 06/03/2019 16:13

Sounds like you've chosen a man just like your dad.

Why does he need to be a sahd? Can't he work too and your baby go into childcare?

Iggly · 06/03/2019 16:14

There’s a bit of balance to be struck.... no harm in popping baby in a bouncer or down while you do stuff. But yes it would be shit to do it for a couple of hours (?!) - I cant see how that would work anyway.

Maybe you need to talk about how you want to parent your child together in terms of principles.

Confusedbeetle · 06/03/2019 16:16

I dont think hes up to the job. Think of something else

Mrskeats · 06/03/2019 16:17

Can't he get another job?

Sexnotgender · 06/03/2019 16:19

Sounds like he’s not SAHD material, baby clearly comes secondary to his wants.

Bookworm4 · 06/03/2019 16:20

Your baby is 5 nth old and you don't think he should be sat in a chair? What do you do carry him about and entertain him 24/7? Maybe your DH just needs told a good routine for baby, I've brought up 4 kids and I certainly didn't spend every minute of my day 'interacting' with a very young baby, what would you do if you had other kids?

FaultySpice · 06/03/2019 16:20

If he plans on being a SAHD, he needs to start doing some of the childcare now!

SuziQ10 · 06/03/2019 16:20

Can I ask why you have both decided he should be a SAHD? And why can't he work while you are on maternity?

I would be questioning the set up if you don't feel happy with his judgment.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 06/03/2019 16:22

I would tell him that you're going to start leaving the baby with him for a few hours in preparation for when you go back to work and because you need a break. If he complains then tell him he needs to start looking for work. He can't have it both ways.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2019 16:22

Why isn't he working? I've been made redundant twice and the first thing you do is LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB.

Sounds like he thinks he's got the life of Riley. Seriously rethink your plans about going back to work and leaving your baby with him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2019 16:37

Ah another person who thinks that being a SAHP is a total skive.

To be fair it can be, as long as you are fine with neglecting your child.

I would suggest that you have a few "KIT" days at work. Or at least, tell him that you are doing this so he has no choice but to have the baby on his own at least one day a week, working up to two and then more.

If he objects then you can be sure that he was never serious about being a stay at home PARENT but just wanted to be a stay at home SKIVER.

TatianaLarina · 06/03/2019 16:38

He’s too selfish and immature to be a SAHD.

No SAHM I know spends 2 hours a day in the gym.

He gets a job you go PT?

Btw if you ever split up and he was ‘SAHD’ if he went for primary custody he might win.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 06/03/2019 16:39

Why isn't he looking for another job?!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/03/2019 16:39

doesnt sound like he wants to be SAHD - he wants to not work.
If he is a SAHD does he know he will need to clean the house, do the shopping, cook the meals?

Nesssie · 06/03/2019 16:41

I don't think he is being neglectful. He has his hobby (gyming) and you said you wanted some time alone - he came up with a valid suggestion that he watches the baby whilst he works out. I highly doubt that if the baby gets upset he is just going to continue working out and leave him to scream..

You just need to makes plans by yourself and tell him he is looking after the baby. He'll soon learn that he needs to interact with him/her.

Home77 · 06/03/2019 16:42

Could he get a jogging stroller and exercise with baby that way?

Dimsumlosesum · 06/03/2019 16:46

Exactly what pp said - he absolutely is not sahp material. Sounds like all he wants to do is HIS stuff, all for HIM, at HIS convenience. There's no sacrifice for his family here. But then, having said that, let him do the solution he has come up with. Maybe it'll work out and baby will happily sleep. Or maybe baby will do what a lot of babies do and need care and attention and it'll open his eyes to what looking after his child actually entails. But he needs a chance to find out.

MadAboutWands · 06/03/2019 16:46

If he actually is going to be a SAHD, then I think it would be better if he was starting to get to grip with his job as a SAHD.
It’s nit becaus you are in ML that he shouodnt be stepping up. At this point, caring for the baby shouod be 50/50. Both because it’s a joined responsibility and because he needs too know how to care for dc once you are back at works.
Atm he is treating his time as if he was on hols and parenting is yu R sole responsibility.

I can see why you have an issue. It’s nit just a sore spot from your own childhood. I wouod be very unhappy too.
How to change it is harder.
Counselling might help but the biggest change is for him to take on the responsibility to care for your baby. I wouod start by dividing responsibilities and tell him that, from now on, he is responsible for all the cooking (your food as adults and the baby’s food - esp as he will soon be weaned).
I wouod then start doing the ‘putting to bed in the evening routine’ as a half and half rsoonsibilty. One day is his, one day is yours. I wouod go out on the day it’s his turn tbh.
I’m sure you get the point.
Yu will have to learnto let go of some of your ways of doing things. He might well do things in a different way that doesn’t quite look right to you but is still ok. You might need to,put your feet down toilets say leaving his child crying in the bouncy chair is he can finish his exercise routine. He will also need to learn that part of being a parent at home is to provide activities for the child. Etc....

And then see how he takes to it.

champagneplanet · 06/03/2019 16:49

@OnlyFoolsnMothers said what I was going to say, totally agree. He wants to not work, not be a SAHD and he's going to be in for a shock!

Why can't he go to work? How old is he? Even if his redundancy payout was enough to fund his work hiatus while baby is young surely the best thing to do is bank the money as a nest egg and keep working?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2019 16:51

Start handing the baby over to him for at least a few hours a day NOW. You bugger off out and he can get a taste of what it's going to be like.

I bet you he'll change his mind about being a SAHP within a week.

tabulahrasa · 06/03/2019 16:54

I don’t see putting a baby in a chair while you do something as neglect tbh...

But, if he’s not working - what does he do for the rest of the day? Why do you not even have time for a bath?

Nesssie · 06/03/2019 16:55

Poor guys getting slated- Sounds like this is the first time you have broached the subject. He came up with a suggestion, you aren't happy due to your own personal issues. Go and discuss it with him ffs! He's hardly neglectful...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2019 16:58

@Nesssie but he's not doing ANYTHING.

Littleraindrop15 · 06/03/2019 16:58

Think you're being precious..

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/03/2019 16:58

For what its worth I dont think he's 'neglectful' thats a strong word.
When i was on mat leave my baby was in the bouncer whilst I was doing stuff for the family, i.e. cleaning/cooking. She wasnt in the bouncer so I could do a hobby.
However the red flag is there re: his approach to stay at home parenting.