This is bad parenting, right?

[DontKnowWhatToDo12]

Neither DH nor I are working. I am on mat leave and he was made redundant and will be SAHD when I go back.

I have said to him recently that it feels like I do all the childcare for our 5 month old and we haven't mastered independent naps yet so I have to take him out in the pram. DH exercises 2 hours+ a day in our home gym, he can (and does) go out for a day occasionally to drink with friends or go to the football but I don't feel like I get any "me" time in return. Even just a long bath would be nice.

His first suggestion was that we should put the baby in a chair bouncer whilst he exercises each day. I don't want to do this as the baby needs a lot of interaction and isn't really happy being in the bouncer for more than about 10 minutes. I am pissed off that his first suggestion was basically to neglect our child rather than either looking at all the hours he is not exercising or maybe exercising less. I was raised by a neglectful SAHD who spent most of the day on his hobby so this is a sore spot for me and he knows it. He doesn't understand why I am still upset though because he says not going to do it.

He doesn't think it would be neglectful anyway. This is making me worried about his judgement and leaving him as SAHD.

I feel like my marriage is dying. Help! Should we get counselling?

All the PP saying that the baby won't mind being in the bouncer for a while have clearly never had a high needs baby that took a dislike to sitting in a bouncer or being put down in general. Some babies do demand pretty much constant interaction and attention, I know because I had one like that too and I was in awe and very jealous of other parents and their more relaxed babies. I think you can't overestimate how much temperament will affect your experience of having a baby and place different demands on you than other parents with similar age children. Ditto the naps in the buggy. I have friends with babies that have never had any major issues with napping in the cot and others who have had an absolutely horrendous time trying to get their baby to nap at all.

In the context of the above and assuming the child's temperament won't change, I think OP needs to talk to her DH about standards and expectations relating to the SAHP role. Neither party should be able to dictate to the other a "job description" as such, but I think there needs to be general agreement about the core duties and approach. As a SAHM myself, a big thing for me was that my child should have equivalent (and hopefully in most cases better) standard of care than if they were in a childcare setting and this includes elements such as socialisation, access to activities etc. I don't imagine many parents would be happy if a childminder left their baby in a bouncer for hours on end without some interaction so why would your DH think it's ok for him to short-change your baby like that?

I think they key here is that you are both technically on 'maternity leave' and he is doing SFA so he thinks that is how it works.

My DH like to have these big ideas of what he is going to get done in the shed/yard etc while watching the kids when I pop out for a while, I always find it amusing when I get home and he barely got anything he wanted to done , until you let/make your DH step up then he has no idea what he is in for. If he is going to be the SAHD then he needs to be doing that way before you go back to work so he can settle in to it while you are still there to support/help him.

Let him start trying to do his gym sessions now, if he gets more than half an hour in before bub gets cranky I would be surprised, no better way to burst his bubble than to throw him in the deep end

I agree with those saying he doesn't want to be a SAHD, he just wants an excuse to not go back to work.
They are not the same thing.

My DH used to see me being SAHM as a total skive - "what do you DO all day?!" - and suggested several times that he would be SAHD while I went back to work instead. But I knew totally that this was because he would then spend all day lying on the sofa watching videos and he'd never take the baby out to groups or activities, or probably even for walks.
When he was out of a job while I was pregnant, he did exactly that - laid on the sofa for 90% of the day while I was at work, watching videos. No housework was done, only occasional cooking, occasional washing up and he would desultorily do management trainee tests on line to try and get jobs. He didn't actually get off his arse and get a job until I'd left my first (of 2) jobs on maternity leave.

These days when I leave him in charge of the 2 boys for less than a day at the weekend sometimes, I'll be lucky if he remembers to feed them at lunchtime. He'll feed himself, no worries - but forgets that they need feeding too. And he'll mostly spend the day playing guitar and/or watching films on tv. He might play football with them for 10 mins, or take them for a swim for 20 mins (before he gets bored) but not much else. All this just makes me glad I didn't even attempt the "me working, him SAHD" scenario.

We do family days out and he interacts fine with the boys - but I don't think he's ever taken them out by themselves anywhere other than to his mum's place, because then SHE is there to help with the parenting. .

He's getting better as the boys are getting older - but when they were tiny, he just didn't seem to understand the level of care that they needed.

He sounds awful ThumbWitchesAbroad? My DH isn’t great with the DC either but yours sounds neglectful (not feeding them) get rid!

Thumbeitchesabroad thays awful he doesn’t even feed his children or interact with them

Does he know any SAHD's? Do you know any SAHD's? He needs to understand what will be required of him and get on with starting to do it now. Don't leave the handover of responsibilities until the last minute.

Sounds like he needs to find a job. He sounds like he think being a sahd will be doing what he likes all days whilst dc has to fit in around it. He’s going to have the shock of his life when you’re not there and he realises dc aren’t so accommodating. In short I don’t think he’s up to the task. Being a sahp can be very draining and although they’re looked down upon on MN it’s harder than working full time was for me and I’ve heard many others say the same.

Is the obsessive excersise a way of giving him purpose after being made redundant? Because my dh did exactly the same when he was made redundant just as I went on mat leave. It was like a form of escapism from facing up to the fact he needed to job hunt and had Had a massive knock to his confidence professionally.

This was us for a while, DP was made redundant just before baby was born. You need to start going out for a few hours during the day and leave the baby with him so he gets used to it. I used to go and do the shopping/get a wax/doctors appointment/meet friend etc.

With us it was his first DC but not mine and he said it was difficult as when I was there I naturally took over and did everything, which was true! He needed to have a chance to get fully involved.

Also, honestly babies don't need constant interaction, if they're happy sitting in a bouncer for a short while then great, they'll soon let you know if not

if they're happy sitting in a bouncer for a short while then great, they'll soon let you know if not

Did you read the OP?! The plan isn’t for a “short while”, it’s for two fucking hours. Daily. With a baby who gets annoyed in there after 10 mins.

If this is your first he might just be inexperienced and given a few clues will step up. My XH was a bit like this at the start but ended up being a terrific hands on dad. Here's what I did. Work on the basis that if he goes out for an hour, with no warning, you do the same. Say "just popping out" and place your daughter in his lap. Even if you just sit in the park for an hour. He goes tells you he's off out one evening, you don't ask, you tell him you're doing the same another evening. Go to the cinema or something. Make the amount of time and level of notice similar. Soon you'll find he's negotiating not telling and may be more considerate given he knows he will have to the same. I know it sounds petty but some people just don't get it any other way other than really having their behaviour mirrored like this.

If and when he's working obviously you have to allow for that but at weekends if he gets a lie in Saturday you get one Sunday. If he buggers off to the gym Saturday afternoon you bugger off to the gym Sunday afternoon.

You will have to accept that he will parent his way during that time so don't micro manage him. If he's not constantly interacting then so be it. She will make it clear to him if she's unhappy!

Two hours a day to exercise sounds fine to me in your situation. You should take two hours a day out/off too. That still leaves far more time together as a family than most families get!!!
It’s similar to how dh and I spent our weekends when I was in mat leave. I would either lie in with my two hours or go to yoga or just out to a cafe.

He could have and probably should have found a stop gap job between his redundancy and your return to work. Doesn’t really make sense to have both of you at home all day and honestly, DP would drive me insane if I had to be around him 24/7 .

Your baby doesn’t need constant stimulation as others have pointed out, you’ll just end up with an overtired cranky baby. Five month olds are easily pleased. My four month old would gladly sit and watch fairy lights flashing for a while. As for naps, white noise is your friend. Fuck walking every time you want them to nap, that is not a habit you want to create.

Anyway, I don’t think he sounds like SAHD material and you know it. Either both go to work and put DC in nursery or you be the SAHM. I don’t think he’s up to it and I don’t say that purely because he’s a man and men obviously can’t cope with babies 🙄, he just doesn’t sound responsible.

The first thing that struck me is that history often repeats itself. You have chosen for your DH, who spends a lot of time on his hobbies, to be a sahd when you were brought up by a sahd who neglected you for his hobbies.

He doesn't sound at all prepared. He should be looking after your child's needs now, building up the time each day so that, by the time you return to work, there is a seamless transition. It doesn't look like this will happen. You are right to worry.

Also if I were concerned about my marriage I wouldn't want my DH to be a sahd in case he got custody of DC in the event if a future divorce.

Five month olds are easily pleased

Are you on crack?! 😃 did it ever occur to you that perhaps just because YOUR baby was happy watching fairy lights, others might not be? my son completely freaks out if not held or interacted with for a period of about 5-10 mins. Others will be the same. Some babies are harder work than others 🤷🏻‍♀️ And OP has already pointed out her baby can do 10 mins in the bouncer max before wanting to come out

We occassionally bounced dc2 to sleep in bouncer. Because otherwise she would only sleep on someone or being pushed. Never lying flat.
Babies often only sleep 4min at a time though.
I think once baby is walking he will be able to get lots of exercise chasing it around and at toddler groups