Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is bad parenting, right?

90 replies

DontKnowWhatToDo12 · 06/03/2019 16:11

Neither DH nor I are working. I am on mat leave and he was made redundant and will be SAHD when I go back.

I have said to him recently that it feels like I do all the childcare for our 5 month old and we haven't mastered independent naps yet so I have to take him out in the pram. DH exercises 2 hours+ a day in our home gym, he can (and does) go out for a day occasionally to drink with friends or go to the football but I don't feel like I get any "me" time in return. Even just a long bath would be nice.

His first suggestion was that we should put the baby in a chair bouncer whilst he exercises each day. I don't want to do this as the baby needs a lot of interaction and isn't really happy being in the bouncer for more than about 10 minutes. I am pissed off that his first suggestion was basically to neglect our child rather than either looking at all the hours he is not exercising or maybe exercising less. I was raised by a neglectful SAHD who spent most of the day on his hobby so this is a sore spot for me and he knows it. He doesn't understand why I am still upset though because he says not going to do it.

He doesn't think it would be neglectful anyway. This is making me worried about his judgement and leaving him as SAHD.

I feel like my marriage is dying. Help! Should we get counselling?

OP posts:
Antonin · 06/03/2019 16:59

My ex had notions of being a SAHD because he hated his job. Changed his mind when he got a job he liked. However after DC arrived he did virtually no childcare and had to be coaxed into doing anything at all. They just have this idea that it’s a piece of cake and akin to being on holiday, that mothers make work for themselves!
For posters who think OP is too fussy and 10 minutes in a chair is OK rtft — DH exercises for TWO HOURS.
I’d want him to demonstrate his ability to care appropriately with your DC before I left him to it

barkinatthemoon · 06/03/2019 17:02

Why isn't he working? I don't get it...
Surely he could be working to bring in some extra income whilst you're on maternity? I'd be so highly resentful of my OH in this situation.

Does he WANT to be a SAHD? It's a hell of a lot for even the most invested parent, and from my experience of playgroups, coffee groups etc it's usually over 90% women, I could imagine it becoming an extremely isolating situation for a dad who wasn't completely invested in the idea. My OH has a couple of friends who became SAHDs a1nd found it tough, and had to put in a huge amount of effort to integrate themselves and their toddlers at groups etc as the women seemed naturally drawn to eachother and the men would have to work really hard to form friendships and become included in meet ups etc. I'd have a frank discussion and find out if he's completely up for the task and in the meantime get applying for some jobs asap to support his family!

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2019 17:02

As PP have said, start by going out for a few hours, leaving him with the baby - if you're currently planning for him to be SAHP then presumably you're not worried that the baby will come to any actual harm at his hands. See what happens.
If this man does nothing ie no housework, unchanged nappy, baby crying uncomforted when you get home, then you need to revise the idea of him being SAHP because he clearly isn't up to it.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 06/03/2019 17:04

If your DD doesn’t like the bouncer for more than 10mins, she will let her daddy know soon enough and if he can comfortably exercise whilst listening to a screaming baby he is odd indeed. Let him find his own way of fitting everything in to his day if he is to be a SAHD either you trust him as a dad or you don’t. I would not like my working partner telling me how to organise my time during the day tbh.

Ohyesiam · 06/03/2019 17:08

OP I say this really gently, but if you had more than one child you wouldn’t be able to give that intense one-to-one interaction to your little one all the time.
It sounds to me like your husband suggestion has triggered your feelings about your neglect rather than his suggestions are bad in themselves.
In the bigger picture has he bonded with your child, does he interact well, in short do you feel he loves him? If yes, then it just sounds as if you need to talk a lot to see where your expectations are mismatched, and do some negotiating.

If you don’t feel he genuinely has your sons best interests at heart, that’s a different matter. But do remember that some people( me included) find the baby bit suicidally dull and hard to engage with, but overall have turned out to be a good and loving mum.
But the thing I’d urge you the most is to get some therapy around your neglect. Healing childhood stuff has , in my experience, made parenting much less of a minefield, as I stoped constantly projecting my fears and experiences onto my kids and their situation.

thedisorganisedmum · 06/03/2019 17:09

He 's not involved enough, it should be 50/50. Not negociable.

But frankly, you don't neglect your child because you put him in a baby bouncer from time to time Grin
At 5 months old, you could just plonk him in front of the washing washing running a load and that would be entertainment. Your baby doesn't need constant interaction from you, you can still talk when you are doing something else, they have mobiles, play mat.

Don't make yourself a martyr.

NunoGoncalves · 06/03/2019 17:10

Why isn't he working? I've been made redundant twice and the first thing you do is LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB

Because OP is going back to work after mat. leave and he is going to be a SAHD. OP explained that in the first post.

Let him find his own way of fitting everything in to his day if he is to be a SAHD either you trust him as a dad or you don’t. I would not like my working partner telling me how to organise my time during the day tbh

This. If you trust him with her, then leave him to it. If he can find a way to keep her happy while he works out for two hours, great for him! I suspect he'll quickly find that's not possible and change accordingly, since he won't have any other choice if you're at work.

Quartz2208 · 06/03/2019 17:11

Of course it is and at the moment he isn’t parenting

The question is what are you going to do because at the moment your plan won’t work

Jaxhog · 06/03/2019 17:12

If he was in a full-time job, he'd have a job description and clear objectives. Why not do one for him as a stay at home Dad? Then he could choose - stay at home, or go out and get a job.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2019 17:13

If he's going to be a SAHD, what are his expectations for 'every day care'? Will he expect the baby to go to nursery during the day? Does he think he'll be popping baby in his bouncy seat for hours at a time? Before you agree to him being a SAHD, he needs to understand the level of care that a baby actually requires. My DH was a SAHD for about 2 years when DS2 was very young, and believe me DH absolutely knew what was involved in infant/toddler care!!

As far as what he's suggested, find, go ahead and put baby in the bouncy chair and then skedaddle and see what happens. If baby is truly only happy for 10 mins or so he'll start fussing and DH will be forced to stop and deal with him. At least, I hope he will. Because if he'd leave an unhappy baby to cry so he could exercise, then you have a whole problem.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 06/03/2019 17:16

If he was in a full-time job, he'd have a job description and clear objectives. Why not do one for him as a stay at home Dad? Then he could choose - stay at home, or go out and get a job

Are you serious, a grown man does not need a job description to look after his child🤔

Folf · 06/03/2019 17:16

baby only needs a lot of interaction because thats what you're giving.

its ridiculous that he wont even nap without being taken for a walk.. at this point you ought to be able to help him off to sleep, then getting some time to yourself.

While I hate the old fashioned 'making a rod for your own back' where babies are concerned, if baby is used to getting 24/7 attention then thats what baby expects and it will become increasingly difficult for baby to learn to self soothe and self entertain and you will make yours and your DH's life a misery.

Its not 'neglectful' to pop your baby in the bouncer while you do something for yourself. yes 2 hrs of it will be, but 15/20/30 minutes while you get something done isn't.

Dieu · 06/03/2019 17:17

You mean for every nap your child has, he has to be taken out in the pram? Confused
You're creating such a rod for your own back.
How can it all feel like such a struggle when both parents are at home all day?

Home77 · 06/03/2019 17:17

When I was at home with small DCs I needed time to try and exercise also and found a gym with a creche you could book them into for a couple of hours. Maybe that would be an option.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/03/2019 17:18

Also as a PP said, have you made it clear that being a SAHP means doing the majority of housework, cooking, cleaning etc? That you will share 50/50 when you are home but that doesnt mean he just does bugger all until you get home and focusses on his hobbies.

I think a list of what needs to be done, when and how long it can reasonably be expected to take should be shoved under his nose.

He really fancies himself as a Lad Who Lunches/Gym Bunny doesnt he?!

BorsetshireBlew · 06/03/2019 17:20

Leaving a baby in a bouncer for 2 hours while you exercise is shit parenting, yes.

I don't think SAHDing is for him.

hedgeharris · 06/03/2019 17:20

The red flag definitely is that he isn’t helping at all now so you can even get a bath - massively bad for a first dc.

If it annoys you now, it’ll only get worse, plan on nursery at least part of the week, whatever you do with dh and jobs.

Half an hour in a bouncer - fine. 2 hours? Seriously slack and worrying.

reetgood · 06/03/2019 17:22

We had touches of this. I think it’s a balance - you have to allow him to find his way of parenting and he needs to step it up.

Honestly, I’d take him at his suggestion and let him have the baby solo for a couple of hours. He might not do it quite as you would, but I also think he’s quickly going to learn that he isn’t going to be able to leave the baby in a bouncer for 2 hours. Some people just need to work that out on their own. Your child is not going to be neglected for a couple of hours whilst he figures it out.

Although I do have sympathy - our babe was very similar at 5 months. I could not leave him in bouncer, seat, whatever for longer than about 10mins without him losing his shit. Forget play gyms. And he never fell to sleep in a cot. I find it hard to do things with a baby crying when I could solve it easily, so I accepted that we were going to spend a lot of time ‘interacting’. God forbid ;)

It got better when he could walk (11 months) and I was finally able to leave him to potter happily. We had to baby proof everything but it was so much better than having to heft him everywhere!

Soubriquet · 06/03/2019 17:23

So you interact with your child all the time?

When does he have the chance to by alone?

I know they are still a baby, but he needs to learn how to keep himself entertained too.

Not for 2 hours on a bouncer, that is a given, but half an hour twice a day is a nice good start.

However he does sound like it’s him first, baby second, you last.

BaronessBomburst · 06/03/2019 17:23

Aside from the fact that he's not pulling his weight at all, have you tried putting DS in the bouncer whilst DH exercises? Although for maybe 30 mins, not two hours. DS used to be utterly fascinated by DH working out on the Wii and would gurgle and bounce along with him. It's the only time he would sit anywhere without screaming. Watching parents, looking at each other's faces, and talking is interacting.

Jinglejanglefish · 06/03/2019 17:24

Wow my dp does more than that with dd, a lot more, and he also has a full time job.

YouTheCat · 06/03/2019 17:25

So he's not working, not looking for work, not doing any childcare, not giving you a chance for any leisure time - why are you with him?

campion · 06/03/2019 17:25

Are you serious, a grown man does not need a job description to look after his child

Sure sounds like this one does.
He's not interested enough to properly care for a baby,from your description.
I'd be worried.

hedgeharris · 06/03/2019 17:26

You could put a light show on for the baby while they are in the bouncer and music etc.

Expecting a 2 hour workout as a sahd IS ridiculous though. My dh also did more with dc1 and worked a really long hours job.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 06/03/2019 17:28

You've married your dad and now you're complaining about it.

Be careful: if you truly think he's like your dad, and you two split, he will likely get custody as a SAHD. Perhaps he should be looking for work if you think he'll be a crap onhands parent full time. You know the truth about him...