Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

This is bad parenting, right?

90 replies

DontKnowWhatToDo12 · 06/03/2019 16:11

Neither DH nor I are working. I am on mat leave and he was made redundant and will be SAHD when I go back.

I have said to him recently that it feels like I do all the childcare for our 5 month old and we haven't mastered independent naps yet so I have to take him out in the pram. DH exercises 2 hours+ a day in our home gym, he can (and does) go out for a day occasionally to drink with friends or go to the football but I don't feel like I get any "me" time in return. Even just a long bath would be nice.

His first suggestion was that we should put the baby in a chair bouncer whilst he exercises each day. I don't want to do this as the baby needs a lot of interaction and isn't really happy being in the bouncer for more than about 10 minutes. I am pissed off that his first suggestion was basically to neglect our child rather than either looking at all the hours he is not exercising or maybe exercising less. I was raised by a neglectful SAHD who spent most of the day on his hobby so this is a sore spot for me and he knows it. He doesn't understand why I am still upset though because he says not going to do it.

He doesn't think it would be neglectful anyway. This is making me worried about his judgement and leaving him as SAHD.

I feel like my marriage is dying. Help! Should we get counselling?

OP posts:

TonTonMacoute · 06/03/2019 17:29

Agree with PPs, I can understand why you are stressed about this.

However, I can't help laughing, if your DH seriously thinks that your LO is going to sit quietly and placidly in a baby seat, and not scream the place down, for 2+ hours a day, while he does his physical jerks, he's in for one hell of a shock!

I would let him get on with it, he'll soon be begging to go back to work.

thebeesknees123 · 06/03/2019 17:31

Take him.up on his suggestion. He'll soon realise when the baby starts screaming that it's not doable

hedgeharris · 06/03/2019 17:37

Yes maybe your best strategy is exposure now and then you and dh will both agree he needs a job.

RedBerryTea · 06/03/2019 17:40

There do seem to be a lot of men who don't understand that looking after a child is a job in itself, and think that they can just get on and do other things that take all their attention while supposedly child minding. My husband was like this when ours were small and even now, 20+ years later, there are incidents from when they were small that occasionally keep me awake at night (e.g. washing the car with DD strapped in car seat on a hot day, then going inside, leaving her in the car, to watch the rugby on TV while she was "sleeping" - I arrived home to find her practically unconscious in the car). I would not trust your husband to care for your child if he has the same attitude that child care means just getting on with whatever he would do if she weren't there.

RomanyQueen1 · 06/03/2019 17:56

I wouldn't be happy with him being a sahd he's not disciplined to care for his child already, it's not going to improve when you aren't there.
Who is paying for him drinking with his mates and keeping him whilst not working? Did you have a lot of savings before he lost his job?

BollocksToBrexit · 06/03/2019 17:58

I agree with the others. It sounds like he isn't going to be a SAHD. He's going to be on permanent holiday with a baby on the side. Does he do household chores? Laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc? Or do you do all that as well as all the childcare?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 06/03/2019 18:04

I agree with the many previous posters who have advised you to reconsider the SAHD plan. It does not sound as if he understands the amount of interaction and stimulation a baby (and then toddler) needs, at all. Your DC would be better off with a skilled childminder or nursery than a lazy and halfarsed parent.

Your DH would be better off getting back to work quickly too, before he gets too comfortable in his current lifestyle.

Echobelly · 06/03/2019 18:05

Sad fact is women are taught/conditioned that we'll have to give things up for childcare and men aren't and often assume a child will fit neatly around their life ('They'll nap all afternoon while I watch the film/do the gardening, right?')

I wouldn't necessarily assume your DH is as bad as your dad; a lot of blokes - even sometimes nice, apparently emotionally attuned ones - honestly don't realise how much attention a kid needs and aren't attuned to looking after them ahead of their own needs.

FierceMother · 06/03/2019 18:07

Why isn't he looking for work?
Why isn't he splitting the childcare 50/50?

charliebear78 · 06/03/2019 18:11

I love to exercise from home too-and I was a SAHP.
I am sure he will find a routine, I exercised when baby napped-at that age they will most likely be having two naps a day so he may need to split his exercise regime up,but its something to suggest and I am sure it works out.

InionEile · 06/03/2019 18:11

Sounds like he is not getting prepared for his role as SAHD. When do you go back to work? He needs to start stepping up so he's not completely clueless when you are at work all day. The reason you know that sticking a baby in a bouncy seat for 2 hours is a bad idea is because you have taken care of the baby and know his needs. If your DH were doing that too, he would know better.

Don't ask him things or suggest him helping. Just set up a routine where you switch off alternate days or mornings so you get out to do your hobbies / fitness /social stuff as much as he does e.g. 2 days per week each and then the other 3 days you parent together. If he's not left to get on with it, he'll be making excuses and avoiding the baby until it's too late and he's a nightmare SAHD.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/03/2019 18:16

My thoughts would be if he were really serious about being a sahd he would be participating more in childcare. It sounds as if you have a bit of a Velcro baby. My dd was fine to amuse herself for half an hour when she was little on her playgym / playnest. Not for 2 hours though!

You definitely need to step back now and see if he steps up.

SparkiePolastri · 06/03/2019 18:20

He sounds like a lazy fucker.

Cheerybigbottom · 06/03/2019 18:24

He thought he could sit a baby in a bouncer for two hours while he works out? No, he's not SAHD material.

He may say he's not going to do it now you've objected, but he clearly thought it was ok.

What's he gonna do when the baby is crawling around constantly and objects to being in a high chair for even 5 minutes?

He does need to start taking baby for a bit of time while you can relax though, go for a bath while he takes baby out in the pram for a nap.

tattooq · 06/03/2019 18:36

The red flag for me would be that he isn't even giving you the time to have a bath despite you both being off work, my DP was like this and 2 years later it hasn't changed much, I don't imagine we will be together much longer because of this. I would never treat someone I loved that way, especially if they had just been through pregnancy and childbirth, it speaks volumes that they don't think you are worth even 30 minutes to yourself while they continue to live like single men with no responsibilities.

I would be seriously concerned about him having custody if you split, given that he hasn't taken any interest in parenting so far and thinks you can put a baby in a bouncer for two hours while you enjoy yourself. You both going back PT would be a better solution that doesn't leave your baby with a selfish, lazy parent most of the time.

Spudina · 06/03/2019 18:38

So you are both at home right now, but you are doing all the childcare whilst your husband does whatever he pleases? Fuck that. My DH had 3 weeks off with both of our DDs and I can honestly say on those weeks we split all the care 50/50. He couldn't breastfeed, but you get the point! And we still do actually now, though we both work. You have to start leaving your baby with your husband. It's time you have a bit of much needed time for yourself. I suspect this SAHD situation won't work for you, but time will tell. Good luck.

Lilymoose · 06/03/2019 19:06

I'm in the same position - 5 month old and going back to work in a few weeks and my husband is a SAHD. (Also have a toddler.) It's all very well saying "leave him for a day" and let him do this and that but maybe OP wants to spend as much time as possible with her baby, I know I do. As progressive as we may think this country is, people cannot get their head round this situation! I get constant remarks about my family situation - "oh your husband stays at home?! / what's he going to DO / he IS going to get a job though right?" Etc etc which I can't imagine a SAHM mum being asked in the same way. I would just let him get on with it and he will soon realise what he needs to do to care for your child. I can't imagine the responses if people were suggesting a woman's husband wrote her a job description of her SAHM role!

getback · 06/03/2019 20:05

When i was on mat leave my baby was in the bouncer whilst I was doing stuff for the family, i.e. cleaning/cooking. She wasnt in the bouncer so I could do a hobby

The baby doesn't actually care! It's either ok for a baby to amuse itself in a bouncer or it's not, deciding that if you're not doing something virtuous then full attention should be on baby is a bit martyr like

NutElla5x · 06/03/2019 20:05

Stop being a martyr and take some me time then op. Tell him you're off out with friends for the day and go. Do this regularly. He can hardly argue about it,and it will be good practise for him for when you go back to work.
As for putting baby in a baby bouncer while he exercises,as long as they're in the same room what's wrong with that? Littlun will soon let his dad know when he's had enough and I very much doubt your husband will be able to ignore his cries and just carry on regardless.
Your husband needs to start taking equal responsibility for the care of your child NOW,so start as you mean to go on by going and running yourself a nice bubblebath and having a lovely long (guilt free) soak. Good luck op.

CantStopMeNow · 06/03/2019 20:14

I am pissed off that his first suggestion was basically to neglect our child rather than either looking at all the hours he is not exercising or maybe exercising less.....He doesn't think it would be neglectful anyway
This is exactly what he will do if he becomes a SAHD.
He's telling you via words and showing you via actions - take it seriously.

I was raised by a neglectful SAHD who spent most of the day on his hobby
You seemed to have married a younger version of your dad.

Personally, i wouldn't take the risk of him being a SAHD.
He's going to be a shit one.
He's going to then spend as long as he can sat on his arse so if/when you divorce him he'll take most of the assets, get primary custody of your dc and you'l have to pay him maintenance.

You've been fooled once - don't let him fool you twice.

Birdsgottafly · 06/03/2019 22:55

"When i was on mat leave my baby was in the bouncer whilst I was doing stuff for the family, i.e. cleaning/cooking. She wasnt in the bouncer so I could do a hobby"

So if the DH exercises when the Baby is happy to be left, when does he do the housework?

As said, start now. Leave the Baby with him.

updownnconfused · 06/03/2019 23:13

He needs to pull his weight (not weights) and you need to tell him you are taking some time out. He's taking the pi$$.

Putting baby in bouncer for a short time would be ok, but he'd soon learn that baby would scream the place down for prolonged periods of time. The fact that he thinks it's doable shows lack of time spend with his child. You need to get some time to yourself too.

Also, as a CM I'm be thinking of safety. What kind of exercise equipment does he use? When baby crawling, walking if machinery/weights are around, could child get hurt? He needs to spend more time with baby and LEARN the do's and don't because he sounds clues atm. Maybe at first when you're around and then you can leave him to it for longer periods. Look at it as a trial and if he's useless then think about getting proper childcare and he could look for a job.

BackforGood · 06/03/2019 23:13

It's not bad parenting to not be "constantly interacting with the baby the whole time", no, of course not. Like others have said, no baby needs to be 'interacted with' constantly.
However, another one here who doesn't understand whilst you are on ML for 6 ? / 9? / 12 ? months, he hasn't gone out to find work for that time. Sitting 'waiting' for his 'SAHD' role to start all those months in the future is just bizarre.
But if you are both home, then of course he should be doing at least 50% of the childcare and the looking after the home / cooking / washing / shopping etc. etc. (Would still leave time for the gym if that's what he enjoys doing).

updownnconfused · 06/03/2019 23:15

oh dear, sorry for the typos!

whywhywhy6 · 07/03/2019 02:19

He needs to get a job, become more hands on generally with the baby and you both need to organise childcare for when you are both working. A SAHP is pointless if they aren’t engaged and up to the job.

Flip

1 2 3 4