Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling as breadwinner

96 replies

DaiStation · 05/03/2019 14:21

Hi all, done a wee namechange for this one.

I'm the sole breadwinner after we role-switched a year ago and my husband became a SAHD to our 2 (now nearly 3) year old.

In several ways this setup is much better. He hated work and was really stressed, my brain was imploding (academic). He and our son have a beautiful bond and he relies on him much more now that he's mpre physically present and less exhausted/miserable.

On the other hand, I am beyond knackered. We have no family nearer than 4 hours away and are new to the area so no friends close enough to ask for help. My day looks something like: get up at 5.30-6.00 with ds, get us both breakfasted, either batch cook something or manically clean something (do this with ds so at least we're doing it together), wake up dh, get dressed while he emerges from fog, hightail it into work 9 - 5. Come home, play a bit, DH rests while I do tea bath bed fiasco, more work, bed. Repeat. Weekends are a desperate attempt to spend quality time with ds whilst getting some kind of rest in order to make it through the next week. My tolerance for normal toddler shit like saying 'I want' every 5 seconds, or crying because there aren't any aliens in the bath (?!), or waking up at 3am, is at an all time low and I feel so mean and arsey all the time.

DS says at least once a day that he's sad and/or angry cos I'm going away, and it took a good 3 weeks for him to stop being really angry with me after I had to spend some time with my seriously ill granny in hospital. I have an overseas conference and research trip that will take me away for a week soon and I'm dreading it: I love my work but it's demanding as heck and I have to keep my boundaries watertight so as not to spend every waking hour on work stuff. Then when I am with ds I feel like I'm cocking up constantly and resenting the fact I'm so knackered and just want a day watching netflix and eating brie instead of having to hold my emotions and those of a small person together All. The. Time. I feel like unless we can make some changes, my relationship with ds which has always been close and loving, is going to really suffer.

Does anyone else find it this hard? I know a lot of this is standard parent shit but I'm really struggling!

OP posts:
geologyrocks · 05/03/2019 14:24

It seems like you are doing all the jobs at home as well as going To Work. That doesn't seem fair. No wonder you're knackered

AssassinatedBeauty · 05/03/2019 14:25

Um, why isn't your DH getting up with you and getting your DS breakfast, getting him ready? Why are you responsible for waking your DH up?

If you want to batch cook, can DH do that in the day with your DS?

mynameiscalypso · 05/03/2019 14:25

What does your DH do? Why are you doing all the stuff at home as well as working full time? And why isn't he getting up early? How come he gets a rest in the evening?

InsomniaTho · 05/03/2019 14:26

Why isn’t DH getting up in the morning with toddler? Why isn’t he sorting most of the meals out?

babysharkah · 05/03/2019 14:26

Why are you doing all that in the morning it makes no sense.

InDubiousBattle · 05/03/2019 14:27

Do you get up with your ds every morning?

Travis1 · 05/03/2019 14:27

What does your husband do in terms of chores? I'd expect SAHD to do similar to what you did as SAHM in terms of cooking/cleaning etc. Did he do what you are doing now when roles were reversed?

Samind · 05/03/2019 14:28

You're not arsey you poor thing. You're exhausted. You're working full time so why are you up so early instead of having a lie in every other morning if you still wanted some mornings with toddler. Also why are you cooking all the time? And taking over as soon as you get in? My partner works ft and I'm off on mat leave. I wouldn't ask him to get up through night (few months old) or take over as soon as he gets in. We take turns to cook and I'll keep house in order most days. If it's a bad day, he'll take little one so I can clean or do something I needed/wanted to get done.

Also you have no me time! Working is not me time. You're just taking yourself to another environment and applying the same work ethic there. I'm sure you do feel guilty but you could make the evenings your time with little one so bathing an book before bed is your special time. Instead of being up all the time. Resentment is very hard to overcome.

Have your spoke to DH about this? Sending you lots of energy and good vibes.

Calzone · 05/03/2019 14:28

What the hell is DH doing?

What a ridiculous routine you have..

Your routine should be......

Get up
Shower
Breakfast with ds
Dressed
Go to work

Work

Home

Cup of tea with ds
Have dinner as a family which has been cooked and prepared by DH

Alternate bath and bedtime with dh.
Ds in bed

Evening with DH in a clean and tidy house
Bed

Original poster
DaiStation · 05/03/2019 14:31

So as I was typing that I was like...actually why am I doing this? So thank you for pointing that out.

It's tricky. I remember being really resentful of him when I was at home because those early morning and late afternoon times were when I would have appreciated a rest - I remember it feeling really unfair that he could come in and sit on his phone and not help tidy/cook/etc when I was frazzled after a long day at home. So I want to pull my weight there, and I also want to spend time with DS...but maybe I need to say to DH that such time needs to be about bonding rather than doing housework...hmm.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 05/03/2019 14:31

Well it sounds like your DH simply hasn't picked up large elements of your pre-swap role. So you are doing 1.5 WTE, and he is doing 0.5 WTE, so of course you are tired.

But as far as wanting a day of eating brie and watching Netflix, that is an unattainable dream for most parents Sad.

Littlemissdaredevil · 05/03/2019 14:34

What is your DH doing. Can’t he get some housework done during the day? What does your DH do in the evenings. Do you have equal ‘me time’/time to relax?

I’m assuming your DS will get 15 hours nursery soon which should free up some of your DH’s time to batch cook, clean, etc

Jackshouse · 05/03/2019 14:35

Agree with above.

Show DH organised Mum method blog.

I am at SAHM. We alternate bedtime and whoever is not doing bedtime cleans the kitchen and maybe does another odd job as needed eg putting washing away or hoover and wash kitchen floor. All other house work including cooking I get done durring the day. DD and I still easily manage to go at least once a day and sometimes twice if we are bored or have errands to run.

My DD is the same age as your DS and she is now at an age were I can easily pop upstairs and change the sheets while she plays down stairs or she ‘helps’ out and it takes 3 times as long. Honestly I was precious parent who used to struggle to do anything with a child in tow and now it’s easy!

Jackshouse · 05/03/2019 14:36

I should have proof read that. We still go out one a day to the park, gymnastic, swimming or toddler group.

Singlenotsingle · 05/03/2019 14:36

If it was the other way round and DH was the one working ft, would he get up at the crack of dawn to cook and clean and get dc breakfasted, then take over in the evening when he got home from work and do tea, bath and bed??? Of course not! DS is nearly 3, so ready for nursery anyway. Just wondering what does DH do during the day to keep ds busy and entertained? Walks? Soft play centres? Park? Bake cakes and biscuits? Painting? ????????

Original poster
DaiStation · 05/03/2019 14:36

@Samind I am so guilty of seeing work as me time. I think that's a hangup from the pre-role switch days too: I got annoyed with him needing me time alparently more than me when he got the holy grail of lunch break and adult conversation! But yeah, it's not. My brain has zero down time.

OP posts:
Crazyladee · 05/03/2019 14:36

I'm exhausted just reading all that.

Couple of things.. Why are you getting up at 5.30am to either batch cook or manically clean something?

And when you get your DH up (which is ridiculous as he should get himself up) why is he in a fog?

It seems incredibly one sided. And unfair on you. You sound stressed out and it's having an affect with your relationship with your DS. Think a chat is in order with DH to talk about him pulling his weight.

lessthanBeau · 05/03/2019 14:36

Why are you cooking and cleaning? What does DH do all day? I would never expect the working parent to be getting up to do breakfast, cleaning and cooking before work. My dh is the main earner, he always did bath and bed but as I'm part time I do the majority of household tasks, although dh does step up quite a bit over the weekend, I would expect the same if we were reversed.

Littlemissdaredevil · 05/03/2019 14:37

DS’s needs will change over time. I was knackered looking after a baby. Now my DD is a toddler I have time to put the dishwasher/washing machine on, etc

Jackshouse · 05/03/2019 14:39

Littlemissdaredevil the OP’s child is nearly 3 and not really a toddler for much longer.

Original poster
DaiStation · 05/03/2019 14:39

He's great with DS - parks etc, meets up with local families, art and crafts, imaginative play, museums...

We've had the division of labour chat many times and it depressingly does seem to always backtrack again. You're all right, so thank you - it's giving me confidence to try again.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaiStation · 05/03/2019 14:40

@crazyladee cos that's when ds wakes up!

OP posts:
thedisorganisedmum · 05/03/2019 14:41

why on earth are you the one doing all the chores?

That's one thing that I find horrific on this forum is the outrage when a SAHM is expected to cook and do housework and there's an uproar that her DH should do both when he works full time.
It's clearly ridiculous and unfair.

What does DH needs to rest from? Is he physically unwell?

I work and I don't do any chore at the weekend! Enough done during the week, but there's 2 of us.

Your DH needs to start doing something or go back to work.
You need a cleaner. Your DH salary should cover childcare and cleaner.
If you genuinely only work 9 to 5, you shouldn't be that knackered.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/03/2019 14:42

Is this a reverse? because if the woman was the SAHP then there would be a vocal majority demanding the working parent (usually the father) do at least 50% of the hosue hold chores as the SAHP only has one task and that is to observe the child and tend it's every need and whim.

thedisorganisedmum · 05/03/2019 14:43

I was knackered looking after a baby. Now my DD is a toddler I have time to put the dishwasher/washing machine on, etc

since when does having a baby prevent you to switch on dishwasher or washing machine? Unless you have medical problems, there's no reason why you can't do a minimum in the house.