Struggling as breadwinner

[DaiStation]

Hi all, done a wee namechange for this one.

I'm the sole breadwinner after we role-switched a year ago and my husband became a SAHD to our 2 (now nearly 3) year old.

In several ways this setup is much better. He hated work and was really stressed, my brain was imploding (academic). He and our son have a beautiful bond and he relies on him much more now that he's mpre physically present and less exhausted/miserable.

On the other hand, I am beyond knackered. We have no family nearer than 4 hours away and are new to the area so no friends close enough to ask for help. My day looks something like: get up at 5.30-6.00 with ds, get us both breakfasted, either batch cook something or manically clean something (do this with ds so at least we're doing it together), wake up dh, get dressed while he emerges from fog, hightail it into work 9 - 5. Come home, play a bit, DH rests while I do tea bath bed fiasco, more work, bed. Repeat. Weekends are a desperate attempt to spend quality time with ds whilst getting some kind of rest in order to make it through the next week. My tolerance for normal toddler shit like saying 'I want' every 5 seconds, or crying because there aren't any aliens in the bath (?!), or waking up at 3am, is at an all time low and I feel so mean and arsey all the time.

DS says at least once a day that he's sad and/or angry cos I'm going away, and it took a good 3 weeks for him to stop being really angry with me after I had to spend some time with my seriously ill granny in hospital. I have an overseas conference and research trip that will take me away for a week soon and I'm dreading it: I love my work but it's demanding as heck and I have to keep my boundaries watertight so as not to spend every waking hour on work stuff. Then when I am with ds I feel like I'm cocking up constantly and resenting the fact I'm so knackered and just want a day watching netflix and eating brie instead of having to hold my emotions and those of a small person together All. The. Time. I feel like unless we can make some changes, my relationship with ds which has always been close and loving, is going to really suffer.

Does anyone else find it this hard? I know a lot of this is standard parent shit but I'm really struggling!

I’m not surprised you are shattered. What does your husband do around the house other than look after your child? I know it’s hard work being a SAHP, but he could still manage to cook the tea, and get up every other morning at 5.30 with your child... Why does he get a rest when you get home? When do you get a rest? I’m currently a SAHM, and wouldn’t expect my husband to do half the stuff you do on top of a full time job. He cleans up the kitchen most evenings during the week and we split chores more evenly at the weekend.

I definitely agree with PP that he could be doing more to help, Dai. Hope the talk goes well and he understands your perspective.
Out of curiosity, are you also doing the lion’s share of cleaning/batch cooking at weekends and getting up with DC then too?

Your schedule is too much. Why are you batch cooking and cleaning at 6am? Does your DH actually do any cooking? You also shouldn’t be doing tea, bath and bed every night.

On my non-working days, we’ll split it so my husband does bath time and I’ll do dinner. On my working days, I do bath time and my husband sorts dinner for us both. While I’m on mat leave with no.2 well keep that pattern but I’d expect to do more cooking as I’ll be around. If I was a full time sahm I’d certainly not want the working parent trying to do a the cooking or attempting to do cleaning in morning before work. No wonder you’re frazzled.

OP another poster asked if he was physically unwell and that's what I picked up on too with the comment about him waking up in a fog.

My DH is SAHD, our DD is now 8. We,ve been doing this for 4 yrs now. Our routine is: all get up 7am, have breakfast, DH packs schoolbag (fruit, lunchbox), I take DD to school. DH washes up, might put on a wash, fixes things/DIY, men stuff, studies, collects DD from school and starts cooking (he used to take her to swimming lessons and ballet, she now does athletics twice a week) I get home at 5pm, have dinner, wash up, faff about, take DD to bed.

I work fulltime and at times it's hard, but it's a concious choice we made after City jobs stress was too much.

Once DH works again, I plan to cut down on work.

For now, it works. financially we are far worse off, health wise in a better place.

We've had the division of labour chat many times and it depressingly does seem to always backtrack again. You're all right, so thank you - it's giving me confidence to try again.

Of course it does. No more 'chats'. 'This isn't working. We need to split up the wake ups and alternate every other day. Same with the dinners. Whoever isn't cooking dinner will take care of DS. So let's see, I'll take M, W, F, Sun this week and then we're rotate.'

Fuck hiring a cleaner and enabling this person to skive out.

He gets his duties, you get yours and if he doesn't do them they are left undone.

I would NOT have any more kids with this person, either.

When you're both at home it should be 50/50, as you are both working equally the rest of the time. It isnt. He shouldnt be getting both the morning and the evening rests.

Batch cooking at 5.30am... why??

What does he do while you make tea, bath ds and put him to bed?

Good luck with the chat.

Haha I don't just work 9 - 5! If only...I keep my official office hours then go home to do tea/bath/bed, then evenings are marking, writing abstracts, prepping lectures, grant applications....

He's not physically unwell.

I do the coomi g and cleaning in the morning cos I've got more energy for it then - also if I did it in the evening it'd cut i to after-hours work time.

I'm going to make a list of all the chores and show him exactly how and when I've been doing them - I think he might not actually get this. Then hopefully we can work out a better schedule. To be honest, even of it means the house is a state I can live with that to kust not feel like this anymore!

When you're both at home it should be 50/50, as you are both working equally the rest of the time.

expect they are not. You cannot compare being at work and being home with kids - they might be tiring, but you always have the luxury to slob in front of the tv, go to a soft play and sit down with a coffee.

You need an adult to relive you from the kids, true, but it's up to the SAH parent to do 90% of the chores whilst they are at home with the kids. Compare your maternity leave with a day at work, it's not the same at all!(I mean when you already have children)

For goodness sake OP! Stop getting up at stupid o’clock and start expecting him to pull his weight. If you get burned out, you’ll both be up shit creek.

I would print out the organized mum schedule and explain to your DH that this is what he needs to do.
You obviously need to help out with dishwasher, clearing up after dinner etc when you are at home and you should split dc duties when you are about. But the basic cooking, housework, meal planning etc has to be the SAHP job.

OP why are you doing everything

Tell him to go back to work and get childcare

My ds hated when I left him, I worked pt. I had little objects, tiny soft toys I left for him and I wrote a postcard for everyday that dh gave him. I still got grief from ds but it helped.

Is this a reverse? because if the woman was the SAHP then there would be a vocal majority demanding the working parent (usually the father) do at least 50% of the hosue hold chores as the SAHP only has one task and that is to observe the child and tend it's every need and whim.

I disagree with you, but even if you were right, the SAHP in this case isn't attending to the child's every need and whim - that would certainly include getting up at 5.30, sorting out the child's breakfast, getting him dressed, and taking care of the bed/bath routine at the end of the day at least 50% of the time. As it is, the OP appears to be doing 100% of above while also taking responsibility for cooking meals for the rest of the time.

Just another quick voice to say that you are right to feel as you do. It's really tough. I think a list of everything that needs to be done and a calm, sensible conversation (in a non-accusatory way) about who is going to do what and when is needed. That will help, but won't solve the problem completely - toddler years are just really tough, and to some extent you need to grit your teeth and get through it as a team. Your husband is probably also struggling to adjust in some ways, so a less confrontational way to go about it might be to also ask him what he is finding hard to adjust to, etc.

On "me" time, you both need it. When we only had one child, DH and I used to make a point of making sure each of us got a couple of hours to ourself each weekend, whether it was to exercise or just sit in a cafe with a pot of tea and a magazine uninterrupted and without guilt. At first you feel guilty doing that because it takes time away from family time, but actually it makes family time better because both parents have recharged batteries.

I do the coomi g and cleaning in the morning cos I've got more energy for it then - also if I did it in the evening it'd cut i to after-hours work time.

NO, no, no!

HE needs to do the cooking! And he needs to get up with DS if he wakes in the hight, during the week, and he needs to get up and sort DS out in the morning.

What I don't get in scenarios like this is....
Your dh loves you, right? So, how can he sleep every morning, lie around every evening, and watch you rush about like a blue arsed fly, doing half of his 'job' and all of your own, knowing you're knackered? Doesn't he feel guilty?

I think all the other posts have shown your getting up too early and doing too much first thing that has to stop, then try come up with a better plan like you said, even if its leave everything that can wait to Saturday morning both get up early and blitzs house, laundry and batch cooking, be finished lunchtime so you can go do something fun with your ds, every second sunday morning should be your lie in time, taking it alternate weeks, something like that is more fair.

As to guilt trips the little ones give, that I can say with a lot of confidence will pass the older he gets, especially if you resort to good old fashioned bribery..I've always brought the kids home a present and by time they were aged 5 or 6 the suitcase was welcomed back with great glee every time it came out of storage. They knew I had to go for work and that was that I think keeping that message clear helps them, also when my eldest was little she was worried I would forget her , and bedtime ritual, so I made a big deal of bringing her photo with me, she seemed happier knowing i'd say goodnight to her photo every night. I have a colleague and he said his son made him travel with his second fav teddy when young so he wasn't lonely.

tooold has reminded me that as well as leaving things for ds I used to take something of ds's and send photos of the toy in my hotel room etc.

get up at 5.30-6.00 with ds, get us both breakfasted, either batch cook something or manically clean something

This doesn’t seem fair or equal...
speak to your partner and start looking after yourself

Hang on; so before, when you were a SAHM, you did all the chores.

And now you're back at work full time; you're still doing all the chores...?

Bonkers. Your DH needs to step up. He could be batch cooking/cleaning during the day. Why is he still in bed while you're running around like a loony?

He needs to be doing 50%.

Is this a reverse? because if the woman was the SAHP then there would be a vocal majority demanding the working parent (usually the father) do at least 50% of the hosue hold chores as the SAHP only has one task and that is to observe the child and tend it's every need and whim.

Could you link us to some threads where the female SAHP is getting both the lie in and the early evening relaxation every day where posters have said this please? Because the SAHP is very conspicuously not doing that.

He saw you coming didn't he!! Just wow!

No need for you to be doing jobs before work but maybe take it in turns for the getting DS up in mornings.

Evening you either do dinner or play with DS not both!! No issues with you doing bath and bed routine so you get time with DS providing DH is clearing up downstairs in meantime!!

Seriously you need to sort this out or it's going to break you and your marriage!

OP, I completely understand your situation. I am also an academic, only my husband also works full-time and our child goes to nursery.

I am wondering whether your husband has some kind of weird understanding of what being a SAHP entails. A traditional definition of a 'housewife' or 'househusband' would be somebody who did childcare AND housework. But your description indicates that your husband does the childcare bit but not the housework. He takes your son to playgroups and museums and variously entertains hims throughout the day, while the household chores are left for mornings and evenings.

While it is commendable to be such an involved parent, this amount of devotion to child development is a bit bonkers (IMHO). Constant parent-led entertainment maybe is not the best idea? After all, children need to learn to use their own brains and initiative and play by themselves. Even with a 2-3 year old it should be possible to do dishes, a load of laundry and cook a basic dinner while the little darling destroys something. Personally, I often perform a cost-benefit analysis: How much effort will it take to rectify something that my child messed up/destroyed while I was cooking dinner? Will the value of cooked dinner outweigh the value lost when letting child mess/destroy something to keep her off me?

Maybe museums and toddler yoga can be just half a day with the other half devoted to boring grind of cleaning, laundry and cooking? And you should definitely take turns with the 5:30 get-ups!