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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling as breadwinner

96 replies

DaiStation · 05/03/2019 14:21

Hi all, done a wee namechange for this one.

I'm the sole breadwinner after we role-switched a year ago and my husband became a SAHD to our 2 (now nearly 3) year old.

In several ways this setup is much better. He hated work and was really stressed, my brain was imploding (academic). He and our son have a beautiful bond and he relies on him much more now that he's mpre physically present and less exhausted/miserable.

On the other hand, I am beyond knackered. We have no family nearer than 4 hours away and are new to the area so no friends close enough to ask for help. My day looks something like: get up at 5.30-6.00 with ds, get us both breakfasted, either batch cook something or manically clean something (do this with ds so at least we're doing it together), wake up dh, get dressed while he emerges from fog, hightail it into work 9 - 5. Come home, play a bit, DH rests while I do tea bath bed fiasco, more work, bed. Repeat. Weekends are a desperate attempt to spend quality time with ds whilst getting some kind of rest in order to make it through the next week. My tolerance for normal toddler shit like saying 'I want' every 5 seconds, or crying because there aren't any aliens in the bath (?!), or waking up at 3am, is at an all time low and I feel so mean and arsey all the time.

DS says at least once a day that he's sad and/or angry cos I'm going away, and it took a good 3 weeks for him to stop being really angry with me after I had to spend some time with my seriously ill granny in hospital. I have an overseas conference and research trip that will take me away for a week soon and I'm dreading it: I love my work but it's demanding as heck and I have to keep my boundaries watertight so as not to spend every waking hour on work stuff. Then when I am with ds I feel like I'm cocking up constantly and resenting the fact I'm so knackered and just want a day watching netflix and eating brie instead of having to hold my emotions and those of a small person together All. The. Time. I feel like unless we can make some changes, my relationship with ds which has always been close and loving, is going to really suffer.

Does anyone else find it this hard? I know a lot of this is standard parent shit but I'm really struggling!

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/03/2019 16:22

The division of work is wholly unfair.

I can’t believe you are batch cooking before work

You should have equal downtime as your dh after work and weekends....

Your dh should be doing the lions share if cooking, cleaning, housework etc whilst you are at work, then when you’re home everything (inc dc) should be 50:50, including downtime for you both!!!

He should be getting up when you do, to allow you to get up and ready without the hassle of looking after dc (and certainly not batch cooking - why can’t he do it during the day)?

Samind · 05/03/2019 16:24

My dp says he feels guilty leaving me baby all day while he works. I told him he was being ridiculous. they're both jobs but different. Unfortunately for your line of work, you can't leave it at the door and must bring it home with you so even when you're there you still have a million things to do. What would work for you op?

Purpleartichoke · 05/03/2019 16:26

You should both be on home duty in mornings and evenings. I had a difficult toddler so didn’t get much done during the day. DH and I would take turns in the evening being on point with dd or housework. You need an adjustment in routine.

Uptheapplesandpears · 05/03/2019 16:45

It is possible to have a child who doesn't let you get anything much done. That happens. But the division of labour when both are at home should be fairer.

SilverySurfer · 05/03/2019 16:53

You seriously need to wipe that MUG off of your forehead before it becomes permanent.

So he hates work - how fortunate that you don't. I don't understand why you are running yourself ragged cooking and cleaning at the crack of dawn while he sleeps on. Why is this acceptable to you? What's he going to do when your DC does to school, lay around the house all day waiting for you to get home from work to do the cooking and cleaning?

I have absolute respect for fathers who take on the role of SAHP and who do their share, unlike your DH who I think is a lazy cocklodger.

Start with him getting up at the same time as you and then having a serious talk about what is expected of him.

Mrskeats · 05/03/2019 16:53

I think that whoever is at home should do the vast majority of the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc as well as looking after the child.
With one child it's not that hard-you all expect a teacher to manage 30 kids at once!
He could get shopping delivered etc. You are doing far too much op.

irunlikeahipoo · 05/03/2019 16:58

Bollocks to that it seems like your DH isn’t that much of a darling husband. and more of a darling piss taker
If he is the SAHP He should be getting up and dealing with his son in the morning ( he can always grab a crafty nap in the day if he is knackered from the early start )
He should also be batch cooking or at the very least doing the evening meal and the majority of the housework
He seems to have a very cushy life atm while your running around like a headless chicken still trying to do everything you did before

thedisorganisedmum · 05/03/2019 17:53

It is possible to have a child who doesn't let you get anything much done. That happens.

not really true - unless medical issue and you are stuck in hospital with a poorly child of course.

You only have the luxury of not doing anything with baby number 1. As soon as you have another 1 (or more), you need to take care of the other ones, cook, clean, take them out, possibly do the school runs when they are older.

BlueSkiesLies · 05/03/2019 17:55

Is this a reverse? because if the woman was the SAHP then there would be a vocal majority demanding the working parent (usually the father) do at least 50% of the hosue hold chores as the SAHP only has one task and that is to observe the child and tend it's every need and whim.

But the working parent isn't doing 50% - they are doing 100% outside of their working hours!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 05/03/2019 18:59

😂😂😂😂

If it was the other way round and a man was getting up in the middle of the night to batch cook and clean NO ONE would be telling the man he had a fair and equitable deal...

Bluesheep8 · 05/03/2019 19:11

You're parenting 2 children op. All he is doing is looking after your child during the day. YOU are having to do everything else so that he can do that one thing. He is not running the house to enable you to work. He has selected a part of the role you were doing when you swapped.

millythepink · 05/03/2019 19:15

You have your job OP and your DH has his but he is only doing 50% of his, so he's providing childcare but isn't running the home.

Holidayshopping · 05/03/2019 19:17

Why are you doing all that in the mornings-batch cooking meals?! and waking your DH up and then worming all day and the. doing dinner/bath/bed routine whilst your DH rests!!?

Home77 · 05/03/2019 19:20

the ironic thing it 3 year olds can help with laundry and basic cooking and cleaning, there is no excuse really. he could do say 2 or 3 days of morning activities out and the rest in, I used to do something like that.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 19:20

It’s fine if - for any reason!- you don’t want to be sole earner. neither DH or I would (unless one of us wete ill or there was another major issue). your H should job seek.

In the meantime, he should do much more of the domestic work.

Home77 · 05/03/2019 19:21

It does sound like you are enabling him, though, why not stop discussing it and just, well, stop, do less and less so he finds he needs to do more himself, or live in a muddle. Oh and maybe model doing it with toddler. So, getting them to help, so he can see it. Perhaps.

Original poster

DaiStation · 05/03/2019 19:38

Thanks everyone. A lot of you hit the nail on the head there - he does the looking after of ds part but not the other (not unsizeable) bits. In response to a couple of points: he is great with DS and very aware of/responsive to his emotional and developmental needs (his old career involved working with young kids). We didn't role switch because he just didn't fancy working, I actually suggested it: he was in a very overstretched and underfunded part of the NHS so he was under constant stress, awful hours and felt like he was being forced to work unethically. It was doing no-one in our family good. Meanwhile, for all the bullshit attached to my work, it's still the job of my dreams, I'm happy to be back and I'm happy for bkth of them that he can be at home with DS.

The labour division on the other hand...this has always been shit. Ridiculously, given it has - believe it or not - improved since we first met, I think I was kidding myself everything was fine until I realised (with the help of this thread) actually, I'm burning out and it's affecting my relationship with DS.

Since DS went to sleep I've listed everything I do and when, next to everything DH does. Then looked up the organised mum method and created a plan that can be shared fairly. Pissed off that this is essentially another bloody cognitive millstone but am actually hopeful so thank you to those who suggested it - half an hour doing sth at a set time is much less overwhelmimg than 'do some bloody housework!' (not that I have ever said words to that effect....)

Will keep you posted.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 19:41

Many, many WoH men are “facilitated” by wives who do an awful lot at home to make their H’s working life easier. The model can work well if both partners are OK with it and are good to each other.

If you do the “mental load” and more than your fair share of domestics, you are likely to experience career and health detriment.

Uptheapplesandpears · 05/03/2019 19:43

not really true - unless medical issue and you are stuck in hospital with a poorly child of course.

Yes it is. Having more than one child doesn't mean there isn't one who won't let you do anything, it just means they trash the place or whatever while you do it. Mine luckily have never really been that bad in terms of inability to do anything around them, aside from when they're ill (hardly an unsual occurrence) but it's certainly possible to have a child who doesn't let you get anything done when you have more than one. You just have a much worse time of it.

Waveysnail · 05/03/2019 19:52

My dh was a sahd. We would take turns getting up with ds during the week (those 5.30 starts are a killer). I would go to work 9-5. Then come home. Play with dc while dh cooked dinner. I would tidy up then do bath and bedtime as that was my time with dc.

We both meal planned at weekend and I did online shop and dh picked it up with dc. I'd cook at the weekends or we got take out. Dh did most of the day to day cleaning and I would rip through on Saturday morning and do bathroom and floors.

bringbacksideburns · 05/03/2019 19:52

Haha I don't just work 9 - 5! If only...I keep my official office hours then go home to do tea/bath/bed, then evenings are marking, writing abstracts, prepping lectures, grant applications....

Even more reason why he should be doing the vast majority of the cooking! That's bonkers.

He's having the life of Riley and he's not even working part time. I worked job share for years and did the majority of the cooking - DH would do Friday's and Saturdays.

I'm a bit gobsmacked that he's happy for you to get up before him and do all that and then watch you not stop when you get in at night whilst he 'rests'

Very selfish not to even think of helping.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/03/2019 19:53

Erm I've got a three month old, the house is clean, dinner is cooked everyday, we get out most days. DH does bathtime on the nights he isn't working late and unloads the dishwasher in the mornings and makes me a sandwich when he makes his and leaves it in the fridge in case DS is having one of those days, so at least I can grab something to eat easily. We clean either kitchen or bathroom each at the weekend as DS is a velcro baby and whilst I can hoover, laundry, dust, prepare dinner with him in a sling I can't be using bleach etc. Even that's getting better as he's started napping in his crib without screaming blue murder.
Your DH is taking the piss, he gets all the fun stuff and you do everything else.
For the record I don't agree with the threads where the SAHM is told she should do nothing but gaze at her child all day while DH works. We've always split things equally, and when one of you is at home equal doesn't necessarily mean the samr

0rangeB0ttle · 05/03/2019 19:57

You are getting up too early/ not enough sleep/ rest time. Why can't he do breakfast ?
You are doing too much at home
What cleaning are you doing in the morning ?
Have a couple of simple meals that take less time to cook like omelette, stir fry, baked potato, one pot meal in oven, a ready meal, soup
It sounds like you need to step back & he needs to do more

Motoko · 05/03/2019 20:41

So how have you organised the mornings to go? And the cooking?

Original poster

DaiStation · 05/03/2019 21:15

Ok so...that went better than expected.

He's going to do mornings with DS and day to day cleaning. I'll play with DS when I get in, clean up after tea and do bath/bed. We'll do 2 rooms each at weekends and split the cooking 50/50 (I do actually love cooking, just not when it's all on me and at 6am).

It seemed like when he saw it in black and white (well, colour-coded columns actually), he properly got it. Also, the whole idea of manageable cgunks of timed cleaning as per OMM definitely helped to show him it's not some kind of insurmountable task.

Thanks everyone for the help and for showing me I'm not being nuts!

OP posts:

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