Struggling as breadwinner

[DaiStation]

Hi all, done a wee namechange for this one.

I'm the sole breadwinner after we role-switched a year ago and my husband became a SAHD to our 2 (now nearly 3) year old.

In several ways this setup is much better. He hated work and was really stressed, my brain was imploding (academic). He and our son have a beautiful bond and he relies on him much more now that he's mpre physically present and less exhausted/miserable.

On the other hand, I am beyond knackered. We have no family nearer than 4 hours away and are new to the area so no friends close enough to ask for help. My day looks something like: get up at 5.30-6.00 with ds, get us both breakfasted, either batch cook something or manically clean something (do this with ds so at least we're doing it together), wake up dh, get dressed while he emerges from fog, hightail it into work 9 - 5. Come home, play a bit, DH rests while I do tea bath bed fiasco, more work, bed. Repeat. Weekends are a desperate attempt to spend quality time with ds whilst getting some kind of rest in order to make it through the next week. My tolerance for normal toddler shit like saying 'I want' every 5 seconds, or crying because there aren't any aliens in the bath (?!), or waking up at 3am, is at an all time low and I feel so mean and arsey all the time.

DS says at least once a day that he's sad and/or angry cos I'm going away, and it took a good 3 weeks for him to stop being really angry with me after I had to spend some time with my seriously ill granny in hospital. I have an overseas conference and research trip that will take me away for a week soon and I'm dreading it: I love my work but it's demanding as heck and I have to keep my boundaries watertight so as not to spend every waking hour on work stuff. Then when I am with ds I feel like I'm cocking up constantly and resenting the fact I'm so knackered and just want a day watching netflix and eating brie instead of having to hold my emotions and those of a small person together All. The. Time. I feel like unless we can make some changes, my relationship with ds which has always been close and loving, is going to really suffer.

Does anyone else find it this hard? I know a lot of this is standard parent shit but I'm really struggling!

Well that's an improvement but I still think you are doing a lot there as well as working full time.

Why can't you do bed/bath while he cleans up after tea instead of you doing all the evening stuff? (bed/bath, AND cleaning up after tea... As well as actually preparing tea 50% of the time after being at work all day?

You should do bath and bed time while he cleans up. Bed time is a great way for you to spend one on one time with your DS. Your DH should cook the evening meal, you still have work to do which must be tiring. Don’t baby your DH OP and wear yourself out. He really shouldn’t have been such a lazy arse and let you do the bulk of the work. When you were a SAHM you had a baby. Most 3 year olds aren’t hard work, they are more fun and even good company.

I'll batch cook at weekends - can make up a big soup, pasta sauce and curry in a couple of hours and actually find that relaxing - so no actual cooking, he serves it up or serves up whatever he's cooked. And I think I'm ok with sorting out after tea if he's gling to step up in all other areas, but if it's not working we'll return to it. Thanks again!

You must be exhausted.

I think it's great you are helping out but you could maybe do a bit less than you are doing to get a bit of balance?

The only thing I cant understand is that usually it's a SAHM posting something like "I look after my child all day and then in the evenings my DH says he is tired from work so he doesn't help with any household chores" and the DH gets absolutely flamed.

However now that you're helping out around the house as well working they're flaming you're DH?

I'm sure he does do his fair share, but it seems that you could maybe ask him to take on what you do in the morning to balance it out a bit?

Either way I really feel for you!

Still flaming your DH** that should say, sorry!

What would happen if you just left the morning housework (batch cooking, cleaning etc) to your DH and just went to work after feeding your DS? Sounds like you are doing most of the "wifework" and mental load as well as holding down a demanding job outside the home. Sounds like he is getting all the best bits of being a SAHP and you are just doubling up. I'm sure that wasn't how you saw this arrangement working?

Yes the eternal problem With many SAHD OP

Not all I hasten too add . But a fair few !

You both should do 50% of the chores when you are home from work. The rest is real life that working parents deal with every day (and I am not lucky enough to have a SAHP in our household so no one is resting after work or on weekends or asking the other what they did all day).

I think part of your problem is that you lost leverage because when you were a SAHM you felt unfairly treated. You need to both sit down and talk through the resentments then move on to a fair and reasonable allocation of workload. You getting your dh up is not reasonable though. He should be doing that himself for starters!

That is still way too much on you when you have a FT+ job.

@decormad RTFT

He's not a SAHD, he just sounds unemployed. And lazy. And you're being taken for a mug.

OP when l was fully a SAHM, my DH did NOTHING when home, no nights/garden/housework/cooking/diy/cleaning/organising/bills/bedtimes NOTHING, except on the very rare occasions l was ill.

He worked long stressful hours and l looked after 2 dc, dog and house fully...that is a fair division of labour, and it is perfectly possible to do theis as a SAHP in the time he was at work.

Glad you have stepped back but you should not have to do any housework or chores, (unless you want to ie cooking) please step back more.

notanother how is he not a SAHD? Op has said that he's a great dad, responsive, involved etc. Op, you said that you're going away with work for a week? A few weeks of the new system followed by a week of not having you there might show him how much 'other stuff' there is to be done?

@InDubiousBattle because she's working 9-5 and doing SAHP duties at flipping 6am, ridiculous!

So, you're still going to be doing all the cooking. It'll just be taking time out of your weekends instead of your mornings. He's still getting off very lightly.

@indubiousbattle

Because as well as working FT, OP is also doing ALL the SAHD duties when she is at home both in the mornings and evenings (getting her DS up, breakfast, bed, bath etc)

Still can't believe when you come home from work you have to take over from everything so your DH can go for a "rest"

Hope you were firm enough in your discussion with your DH

Just one question really - If you were a SAHM and he was working full time... would he be doing all that? I think not. Sounds like DH is getting a real free meal ticket here.

Sorry to chime in again but I have just read that OP also has to do work stuff from home in the evenings.

Your DH in my eyes is a CF!!

When I was a SAHM, my DH didn't have to lift a finger during the week except bed/bath and bonding with the baby. He is one of those that can never sit down though so most of the time he would muck in with cleaning the kitchen and daily stuff that needs doing . But I never expected him to as he had been working all day. I would have tea already prepared ready for 6pm by planning the night before what we were having the next day and would start the preparations mid morning if I was doing a casserole or slow cooker meal or early afternoon depending on what plans I had with baby during the day.

I wouldn't have the shame to expect him to start chopping onions or putting washing on after being at work all day as I saw it as part of my job as a SAHM as taking the advantage of being home based.

He would come home from work and have a shower and unwind and take over baby duties from me whilst I sorted other stuff out. Sometimes he would go to the gym. Sometimes he would come home and I would go to the gym. Because we worked as a team it worked. I don't ever remember us having to discuss who would do what, it just happened naturally.

If you were my partner, who worked FT and did work stuff in the evenings as well, you wouldn't have to lift a finger during the week except bond with the baby. (bed/bath) At weekends your chores would be scaled down as well.

Agree with others - I am a SAHM, DH works long hours and Monday - Friday I just act like a single parent and do 100% of everything. I have a velcro baby and an insane spaniel and I have just had to manage 🤷🏻‍♀️ Clear division of labour and everyone is happy. Weekends are more 50/50.

Working full time in a paid job and being a full time sahp are both full time jobs.

The only difference is that one is paid and one is not.

The unpaid parent IMHO should be doing the cleaning, ironing, shopping, meal planning, washing and everything else house related. Plus childcare.

Then it leaves weekends for family time.

Your husband has been getting away lightly.