AIBU to not want to go to sister's wedding?

[Toxicity1984]

My sister asked me to be Bridesmaid last year and we fell pregnant before they announced the date. Fast forward 9 months and little one is here and the wedding is in two weeks. Little one will be 6 weeks old.

With regard to dresses my sister had myself and the other Bridesmaid buy a dress online last summer. We tried one that I told her I didn't like as I had ordered the biggest size available and at 16 weeks pregnant felt it didn't fit, and therefore felt that with post baby belly the dress wouldn't fit. I suggested I wait until baby arrived and then find a dress that fit her colour scheme and fit my post baby belly, suggesting that both of us bridesmaids wait. She wanted to ensure that the other Bridesmaid and I were in the same dresses so we brought matching ones online last summer- me not having a clue whether it would fit.

The dress is strapless, I am breastfeeding and there isn't the material to get it taken out. I have shopped around and found alternatives to see whether she will be happy with me being Bridesmaid in any of the dresses that do fit - same floor length design, same colour etc. I have spent a fortune on trying to find a dress to suit and feel like I was more than reasonable when I was honest about the first dress and said I didn't know what post baby body would be like.

I messaged her this evening with pictures of the dresses and she is going to decide on the day whether I am in fact Bridesmaid or not. She further then asked that my partner and baby do not attend the ceremony and speeches but wait in the bar! This has infuriated me, as we have said all along my partner would be at the back ready to exit should little one make so much as a peep.....to now say that they aren't allowed to attend has really upset me. I feel like I should add we are travelling 300+ miles with a newborn and spending a fortune on hotel accommodation for it. I feel like she is excluding half my new little family from the wedding. I get it is her day and they don't want it ruined by a baby crying...but I am so upset and am seriously wondering whether it is worth the hassle of my little family travelling all that way!

Also there is more chance of my 7 month old nephew crying than my sleepy newborn....

Furthermore if we go all that way and she doesn't want me as Bridesmaid then I am inclined to spend the ceremony and speeches with my partner and baby rather than on my own in the audience. I'm saying this as a sleep deprived new mum, I do recognise it is my sister's wedding (and chances are I would stay for the ceremony).

I know an element of my upset will be hormones, but I also feel I have been reasonable throughout this whole fiasco. Am I being completely unreasonable to be contemplating not going? The whole saga so far has caused enough upset in the family, and I don't think it would be fair on my Mum who has been in the middle of this all, for me not to go...but I am considering it right now!

Sorry to hear this as I was in a similar situation.

If i was you i would just stand down.

It makes me sad how many bridezillas are out there. People seem to lose sight of what a wedding is all about x

Also one thing I have learnt from having a young baby is that nobody gets it until they have one themselves!!!

A friend of mine made her husbands sister leave the room with her baby for the wedding speaches. I thought it was awful.
I don’t know what goes through people’s heads.
No doubt when your sister has a baby she’ll be making everyone jump through hoops for it

Also one thing I have learnt from having a young baby is that nobody gets it until they have one themselves!!!

Nah, I don't have children but I can see OP's sister is being a self obsessed twat.

Lot of drama. Can you not just get panel of coordinated fabric put in the back and couple of detachable straps that you whip off for the photos?

Also don't see issue of baby not being in ceremony or speeches tbh

One of my bridesmaids had a 6-week-old baby at the time of my wedding. I paid a lot of money for her to get her dress (chosen by her to my colour scheme, paid for by me) altered so she could breastfeed. I made no stipulations about her baby's attendance or her husband's. He spent the ceremony at the back but I heard not a peep.

Actually, I made no stipulations about any of the 20 or so children who were guests and it was delightful to have them there (watching them dancing was hilarious!), not one had an issue the whole day.

Your sister is so unreasonable to say she'll decide on the day, and then to essentially rescind your partner's invite... If I were you I'd get a nice dress you can breastfeed in and tell her it's probably easier if you're not a bridesmaid, then you can come and go as much as you like/need to.

I'm not surprised you don't want to go. Whatever you decide to do on thst I would tell her "You have decided you aren't going to be a bridesmaid as it's unfair on all"

Does she have much experience with babies? By mine, it's children between 6m and 5yo who are the chatty, annoying ones during weddings. I didn't trust them to stay quiet during the ceremony, but provided a nanny staffed creche - which was very cheap, really! Babies that small are the ones who happily sleep through.

In fact, my sister had a very similar timeframe for pregnancy/my wedding, and we:

• moved the date of the wedding when finding she was pregnant
• had bridesmaids in mismatched dresses (something I wanted anyway, but she could wear a breastfeeding friendly wrap dress)
• had the creche for older babies during the ceremony
• had my nephew as ring bearer, ably assisted by his dad

There's having what you want and there's being a dick about it. The main thing I wanted for my day was for it not to be a tradition-riddled over formal bore where appearances were put over having fun or comfort.

My goodness. I've seen some bridezillas in action in my time (and even the odd Groomzilla come to think of it; it's definitely a 'thing'). But it seems here you have a very insecure-sounding bride who is absolutely determined that no tiny, cutesy baby (or her/his needs) is going to take attention away from her for one tiny nanosecond. It's actually quite sad. For her.

I think it's safe to say she's made your position as bridesmaid untenable. Her procrastination about deciding on the day itself is patently ridiculous and an off-kilter power-trip, and she needs divesting of that power. I'd gracefully bow out of that role, which if you did choose to attend would allow you to do so in much less stressful circumstances for you.

As to whether you attend at all, after your sister's behaviour you'd be quite within your rights not to. I guess it could well depend on her reaction to your declining the bridesmaid role. You'd be generous to attend, but you'd need to bear in mind that if you don't it could put you squarely in the wrong in the eyes of your family. A compromise is probably in order here.