AIBU to not want to go to sister's wedding?

[Toxicity1984]

My sister asked me to be Bridesmaid last year and we fell pregnant before they announced the date. Fast forward 9 months and little one is here and the wedding is in two weeks. Little one will be 6 weeks old.

With regard to dresses my sister had myself and the other Bridesmaid buy a dress online last summer. We tried one that I told her I didn't like as I had ordered the biggest size available and at 16 weeks pregnant felt it didn't fit, and therefore felt that with post baby belly the dress wouldn't fit. I suggested I wait until baby arrived and then find a dress that fit her colour scheme and fit my post baby belly, suggesting that both of us bridesmaids wait. She wanted to ensure that the other Bridesmaid and I were in the same dresses so we brought matching ones online last summer- me not having a clue whether it would fit.

The dress is strapless, I am breastfeeding and there isn't the material to get it taken out. I have shopped around and found alternatives to see whether she will be happy with me being Bridesmaid in any of the dresses that do fit - same floor length design, same colour etc. I have spent a fortune on trying to find a dress to suit and feel like I was more than reasonable when I was honest about the first dress and said I didn't know what post baby body would be like.

I messaged her this evening with pictures of the dresses and she is going to decide on the day whether I am in fact Bridesmaid or not. She further then asked that my partner and baby do not attend the ceremony and speeches but wait in the bar! This has infuriated me, as we have said all along my partner would be at the back ready to exit should little one make so much as a peep.....to now say that they aren't allowed to attend has really upset me. I feel like I should add we are travelling 300+ miles with a newborn and spending a fortune on hotel accommodation for it. I feel like she is excluding half my new little family from the wedding. I get it is her day and they don't want it ruined by a baby crying...but I am so upset and am seriously wondering whether it is worth the hassle of my little family travelling all that way!

Also there is more chance of my 7 month old nephew crying than my sleepy newborn....

Furthermore if we go all that way and she doesn't want me as Bridesmaid then I am inclined to spend the ceremony and speeches with my partner and baby rather than on my own in the audience. I'm saying this as a sleep deprived new mum, I do recognise it is my sister's wedding (and chances are I would stay for the ceremony).

I know an element of my upset will be hormones, but I also feel I have been reasonable throughout this whole fiasco. Am I being completely unreasonable to be contemplating not going? The whole saga so far has caused enough upset in the family, and I don't think it would be fair on my Mum who has been in the middle of this all, for me not to go...but I am considering it right now!

[WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue]

I think you have been entirely reasonable on the dress front.

However, I wouldn’t want your baby (or anyone else’s) at my wedding either and it is her day.

In your shoes I think it’s best you don’t go.

[Oysterbabe]

How are you getting there? That's going to be one long drive stopping every 30 minutes.

[Aveeno2017]

Who buys a dress while someone is pregnant?? If she didn't want your children there maybe she should of told you before hand, it's out of order expecting you to travel 300 miles for your husband to sit in the bar!!

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Yanbu to not want to go! Just the 300 mile journey with a newborn is reason enough. She is Bridezilla gone rogue. Put a stop right now to deciding on the day if you are going to be bridesmaid or not by officially stepping aside - just tell her you aren't going to allow her to humiliate you like that so she'll need to find another bridrsmaid. I"d still be very tempted to withdraw altogether, citing the fact that mothers and newborns come as a unit and you are hurt and angry that she cannot act in an inclusive way towards you, your very small baby and your dp.

[HeronLanyon]

YANBU to not want to go. We all go to things we don’t want to though.
Family dynamics are all wildly different. I suspect if you did not go allnthat would be remembered by everyone else is that it was because you didn’t like a dress or that would be how it was told/perceived.
literally if were me I would definitely go and be the bigger person - she’s my sister being a pain in the ass - but my sister.
It’s a clash between the madness of weddings and the sensitivities of new arrivals and your own new ‘little family’ feelings.
If possible I’d phone her and say best all round for you to step back from being bridesmaid so she has certainty and you too. Wouldn’t say a word about dp and baby being elsewhere for vows/ceremony. It’s a shame but just rise above it !
Go in your own breast feeding friendly lovely dress or whatever and have fun.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I had a child-free wedding. My sister came to the wedding - it was in a Register Office so limited spaces, we had a job cutting the numbers down to fit everyone in as it was. I had no bridesmaids (so not an issue) but sister's OH came to the Register office and waited outside with their 3 children (all under 5 but all mobile). They were in the photos after.

I also had guests with breastfed babies. They didn't take up a whole seat and said guests had enough manners that, if their baby had squawked, they would have taken them out, so I wasn't fearful of the babies being in the ceremony. My sister was ok with this set up, but then she only lived a couple of miles up the road - doubt she'd have been so accommodating if she'd had to travel 100s of miles!

The nonsense with the dress though - THAT is totally unreasonable - she either agrees for you to be BM before you go, and accepts what you are wearing, or you don't be BM full stop. I don't think your DP and baby should have to wait in a bar during the ceremony - I think his plan to be at the back and take the baby out if it whimpers is fine, so long as it doesn't impinge on fire regs - and if he's not allowed to be in the speeches either, does that mean he's not invited to the meal after the ceremony?! That's SO rude.

Message her and tell her what is acceptable to you - and if she says no, then tell her that you'll save her the bother and pull out now.

[Mysterycat23]

You might be better off blaming the distance and ignoring her bad behaviour actually.

Drama at weddings tends to be remembered for ever in families, and I'm assuming you'd prefer to keep things calm if at all possible?

I'd be like "sorry we won't be able to attend, the guidelines on newborns travelling in cars mean it's just not possible for us to attend. Wishing you a lovely day"

They are so fragile at that age. Car seats make their little bodies slump and it's quite scary. The guidelines are there for a reason.

[BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney]

YANBU! I know the whole her wedding her choice blah blah but I personally think child free weddings are precious and selfish, especially when it's your 6 week old nibling.

To be honest I'm not sure I'd go. At the very least I'd tell her I'm not being bridesmaid so I'll come to the reception only. I wouldn't be told to be apart from my breast fed 6 week old and accept it.

[Valdy]

I don't understand why she's so fussed about your partner and baby attending the ceremony? I took my DS when he was 11 days old and he was absolutely fine - better behaved than the 2 other kids that was in the actual wedding!!

[MummySharkBabyShark]

I wouldn’t go.

[HeronLanyon]

I’ve totally given up trying to understand why some people do/want/ban certain things at weddings. I honestly think wedding zilla behaviour strikes most to differing degrees. pps have put it well about all eyes on baby/ moment if the vow being ‘interrupted’/photo dresses not matching etc etc. Loss of control after 1,000 things organised.
Load of nonsense often but better to rise above and enjoy the fun parts where possible.
Have been going through family photos After recent bereavement. Not once in all wedding photos did I even look at bridesmaids’ dresses - unless they were spectacularly awful (70/80s weddings you know who you are) - more interested to try to work out who everyone is/was etc.

[AJPTaylor]

Take back some control.
Say you are not going to be bridesmaid. As you are not 10 should not be an issue.
Say you and partner and baby will come but you will Bob in and out around the needs of the baby. Will be in pics etc.
On that basis you should enjoy it.

[AuntieCJ]

Get your money back and stay home. She's being a cow.

[ChipsAreLife]

I would decline the offer of a bridesmaid. How on earth can you plan for that time with babies feeds etc unless you know what's happening.

I also agree 7 month old will make more noise but your sister clearly doesn't get it.

Are you normally close? I'd be tempted to sack the whole thing off

[toomuchtooold]

The thing is, she can hardly claim that your not turning up is going to ruin the day, as she's already asked your DH and DC not to come and if you don't pass muster in the dress you're going to be demoted to standard guest anyway (will you still be allowed on the top table? Or are they going to stick you on the maiden aunties and random work colleagues table?) so what would really be lost by you not going?

I do wonder whether, in the interests of family harmony, it would be worth talking to her in advance and trying to get her to see sense. Or talk to your mum if that might help? I would imagine that if she goes on to have kids herself she's going to look back on this and cringe at how much trouble she was willing to put you to with a small baby in tow, but by then there might be a proper rift between you.

[SaturdayNext]

I'd be tempted to bin the whole idea. If they're saying your partner isn't welcome, it's a bit of a slap in the face and it can't be exactly news that you would have a baby with you. The concept that you have to take your bridesmaid's dress, shoes etc with you only for her potentially to decide that you don't pass muster sounds pretty crappy.

[BalloonSlayer]

Bridesmaids were traditionally young unmarried friends or relatives. I think there is a reason for this - it is FAR TOO HARD for a woman with children to spend the day focusing on the Bride's whims.

She can't choose you to be a bridesmaid and expect you to magic away the baby and the postnatal body for one day. That ship has sailed. I would bow out.

[MrsCollinssettled]

Realistically as you're bf it would make much more sense for you to be the one outside distracting the baby rather than your DP.

Whether it is speeches then meal or meal followed by speeches, it sounds like it is going to be disruptive having someone arrive or depart with the baby part way through proceedings. Making a big thing of the baby not being present for sections of the day is more likely to draw attention towards the baby rather than less.

If your dsis is mainly concerned about not being upstaged by the newest member of the family rather than the ceremony/speeches being spoiled by a crying child, then you not going at all would be the best option all round. You bowing out then means you get any flack for not being there rather than bridezilla would if she outright told you to stay away.

[Didntwanttochangemyname]

Sorry OP, your sister is sounds really nasty. I think you should decline being a bridesmaid, but go to the wedding and enjoy seeing all your family. Don't go to any extra effort for that nasty piece of work.

[Aprilshowersarecomingsoon]

She doesn't want you /your baby taking the shine off her day.
Send a nice card and stay home is the plan imo!!

[helpmum2003]

I wouldn't attend at all and advise your sister and family in writing, now, so there is no confusion.

Then just get on with enjoying your baby and concentrate on breast feeding.

So sorry XX

[Ohyesiam]

I think your feeling are valid regardless of hormones.
I know it’s her “ big day” but you sister is being ott.

[TheSerenDipitY]

kind of shit that your partner isnt invited, why is that?

[Foslady]

Unless you really want to be there I would make the decision for her - either attend as a guest or don’t go.
(As someone a bit older in the tooth I think I would be choosing the second option personally)

[LoniceraJaponica]

I have never been able to understand why bridezillas feel that babies and children steal the limelight from them.

I mean seriously

Are they that self absorbed, narcissistic and attention seeking? In the grand scheme of things does it really matter that a bride isn't the centre of attention for one microsecond of the day?