Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to sister's wedding?

109 replies

Toxicity1984 · 04/03/2019 23:58

My sister asked me to be Bridesmaid last year and we fell pregnant before they announced the date. Fast forward 9 months and little one is here and the wedding is in two weeks. Little one will be 6 weeks old.

With regard to dresses my sister had myself and the other Bridesmaid buy a dress online last summer. We tried one that I told her I didn't like as I had ordered the biggest size available and at 16 weeks pregnant felt it didn't fit, and therefore felt that with post baby belly the dress wouldn't fit. I suggested I wait until baby arrived and then find a dress that fit her colour scheme and fit my post baby belly, suggesting that both of us bridesmaids wait. She wanted to ensure that the other Bridesmaid and I were in the same dresses so we brought matching ones online last summer- me not having a clue whether it would fit.

The dress is strapless, I am breastfeeding and there isn't the material to get it taken out. I have shopped around and found alternatives to see whether she will be happy with me being Bridesmaid in any of the dresses that do fit - same floor length design, same colour etc. I have spent a fortune on trying to find a dress to suit and feel like I was more than reasonable when I was honest about the first dress and said I didn't know what post baby body would be like.

I messaged her this evening with pictures of the dresses and she is going to decide on the day whether I am in fact Bridesmaid or not. She further then asked that my partner and baby do not attend the ceremony and speeches but wait in the bar! This has infuriated me, as we have said all along my partner would be at the back ready to exit should little one make so much as a peep.....to now say that they aren't allowed to attend has really upset me. I feel like I should add we are travelling 300+ miles with a newborn and spending a fortune on hotel accommodation for it. I feel like she is excluding half my new little family from the wedding. I get it is her day and they don't want it ruined by a baby crying...but I am so upset and am seriously wondering whether it is worth the hassle of my little family travelling all that way!

Also there is more chance of my 7 month old nephew crying than my sleepy newborn....

Furthermore if we go all that way and she doesn't want me as Bridesmaid then I am inclined to spend the ceremony and speeches with my partner and baby rather than on my own in the audience. I'm saying this as a sleep deprived new mum, I do recognise it is my sister's wedding (and chances are I would stay for the ceremony).

I know an element of my upset will be hormones, but I also feel I have been reasonable throughout this whole fiasco. Am I being completely unreasonable to be contemplating not going? The whole saga so far has caused enough upset in the family, and I don't think it would be fair on my Mum who has been in the middle of this all, for me not to go...but I am considering it right now!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/03/2019 11:44

It would be tragic to come down with a bug a couple of days before and not be able to go Wink

Caspiana · 05/03/2019 11:52

So your newborn can’t attend the ceremony but a 7 month old can? That makes no sense at all.

I can understand her not wanting babies in the ceremony if she applied it to all babies - the “rushing out if they make a peep” thing doesn’t always transpire as I found out to my cost at my own wedding - but the 7 month old is far more likely to cause a disturbance.

The dress thing is ridiculous and inconsiderate. My BM dresses were chosen to accommodate the pregnant and breastfeeding bridesmaids I had. I would have preferred to have free reign to choose a dress I liked instead of a dress that was practical but you just don’t do that to your closest friends and family.

I can understand your anger. However this is your sister so I would talk to her and see about attending as a guest. That dress sounds horribly impractical for you if you’re breastfeeding a newborn, and it doesn’t sound like she will be flexible about working round your childcare needs when it comes to things like photos and getting hair done etc

CarpetGate · 05/03/2019 11:56

YABU

LoniceraJaponica · 05/03/2019 12:01

Why CarpetGate?

Not wanting to trail a 6 week old 300 miles to a wedding that the mum isn't even sure what part she is playing in is not being unreasonable at all Hmm

IMO the bridezilla is being unreasonable.

Are you the sister?

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 05/03/2019 12:15

Is she maybe assuming your dh can have the other baby also if it is loud?

PosiePerkinandPootle · 05/03/2019 12:20

DSis, this is a really stressful time for both of us, me with new motherhood, you with your wedding. Buying another dress was my attempt to minimise some of that stress. But I can see now why that wouldn't be acceptable to you. Therefore for all our sakes (inc DM) I am stepping down as bridesmaid now to give you time to ask someone else, adjust table plans etc. I look forward to seeing you on the big day.
Then I'd return the bridesmaid dress, buy something gorgeous, suitable for breastfeeding, buy the cutest outfit for your baby and I'd turn up and enjoy the day as a guest and avoid any bridal histrionics

frazzledmumoftwo · 06/03/2019 00:35

Is this your family's first baby? (Ie are you the first of your siblings to have a baby?)

We were in a similar situation. My due date was 2 weeks before my sister's wedding (where I was due to be one of 3 bridesmaids). In the end, DS came 1 week early, so he was 3 weeks old at the wedding.

I dropped out of being a bridesmaid several months in advance, but the other two bridesmaids and my sister were lovely about it, and still tried to get me along to the hen night etc. I was given a reading to do in the ceremony instead.

I was a bit miffed closer to the time by my parents' viewpoint. All my family (parents, sister) were most concerned about DS not disrupting the proceedings - DH sat away from me at the church to not disrupt the service, and there was a lot of stress about where we should be sat at the reception. There was also a massive fuss about what he should wear .... in the end he was just in a pale blue sleepsuit. Basically, DS was seen as lovely, but a bit of an annoyance timing-wise ("if only it could have been a month later" ....) but I think that was really just because my parents hadn't got their head around having a baby grandchild.

The car ride (140 miles in our case) was tough.

It was lovely to see lots of family friends, and to have so many people adore the fact I was cuddling a gorgeous baby. It definitely made up for not being a bridesmaid when it came to the day itself.

everydaymum · 06/03/2019 01:08

DSis is a CF of the highest order. Does she really expect you to patiently wait til the day to find out if she will 'bestow the honour of being her bridesmaid'?!? Tell her you politely decline the role and also that you're not driving all that way just for DH and DC to wait in a bar. Some brides really lose the plot.

exaltedwombat · 06/03/2019 17:30

Two women both with strong entitlement to be Most Important! Let battle commence!
Seriously, you probably have to let the wedding win just for that one day. Do what she wants. However silly it feels. You'll come out smelling of roses.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/03/2019 17:51

The whole bridesmaid thing is impractical and v unkind. Def step down and get a refund on the dress you've had to pay for. Imagine if you were allowed to wear the dress and baby puked on it just before the photos. (actually that would be quite funny)
I think it would be a big deal to refuse to go to the wedding.
I can understand the worry about wailing during vows, but as your DH is prepared to dash out at any whimpering, and to sit at the back. It doesn't seem like such a problem. I do think that banning both of them from the speeches is a bit rich tho.. vows are one thing but speeches??? Who is making the speech, Billy Crystal? Guests are often talking through them and chuckling. No one will notice a baby being taken out of the room if it starts crying.
I disagree about not getting your mother in the middle. She's your mum. She's already in the middle and she's probably one of the few people who can tell your sister to grow up and be a bit less ridgid, as you have shown you are prepared to be. She could meet you half way. I hope you 3 have a great day, showing everyone your gorgeous new baby and I hope your sister comes to her senses.

jwpetal · 06/03/2019 17:51

One of my bridesmaids had a 6 week baby, she cried through the whole ceremony. I didn't mind at all. My friend was one of my dearest friends and her little one was a welcome addition. Actually, when the baby was crying, my friend made a reading. Don't know why no one took the baby. Anyway, part way through the reading, we realised that we had given her the wrong document. My husband and I were laughing and the baby was crying and we had an amazing day.

I am not really sure what to say. She sounds very stressed and perhaps take her aside and say that you love her and want to be there for her, but you are also a new mother. Explain that you want to be there for her, but you also have this responsibility to your family. Let her know what you need to do to be there for her and she cannot except then make your decision. Whatever you do keep it calm and with love to your sister. It saddens me that she cannot see it from your side, but one day she will.

Blarblarblar · 06/03/2019 17:56

When my third sister got married I had a EBF 5month old and my other sister had a EBF 4week old. Both of us in strapless dresses. Hideous just Hideous. I look at the photos and we look like the walking dead. The babies where not aloud at the service or meal or event at all and we had to rent in a nanny for the day. It was tough, not much fun and really hard work. She just did not get it at all buuut I’m glad I was there for her day and glad I supported her. In your situation I might advise stepping down as bridesmaid but still go in something you find comfortable, let DH and baby chill in the room while the ceremony happens, have good feed and duck out early.
My Sis has now had her own children and cringes at what she put us through Grin

TillyTheTiger · 06/03/2019 18:02

You're travelling 300 miles with a newborn? I really hope this is on a train or a flight because otherwise it will take forever to get there... current advice suggests stopping every 30 minutes to take baby out of car seat. As for the dress etc, I agree that pulling out as a bridesmaid and returning the dresses will be the fairest option for you both. Hope it all goes well.

PolarBearkshire · 06/03/2019 18:08

Well your sister is a selfish bridezilla
If she doesnt want your partner and baby there - you can choose not to be there too. Simple as.

genius1308 · 06/03/2019 18:14

I think I'd ask not to be bridesmaid to be honest and just attend as a guest. I was bridesmaid (strapless dress and breastfeeding) when my baby was 4 months old, it was a total nightmare. The baby wanted feeding obviously, and not at regular, timed intervals like some people think. I had to go back to the room every time as I couldn't discreetly feed as I needed to unzip my whole top section. Baby feeding for 20-30 minutes at a time and then had to re adjust everything before going back to the wedding. I expressed some mill for later in the evening which the baby did take but then I felt so engorged that I didn't enjoy myself and was worrying that I might leak as I felt so full. I ended up leaving early and just felt really s**y because I hadn't fully attended to my babys need but I hadn't fully attended to the bride's needs either. Wish I'd asked to just go as a guest tbh Hmm

SenoritaViva · 06/03/2019 18:16

I would also step down as bridesmaid.

I may drop out altogether but for piece say that you had no idea how hard it will be for a newborn to travel etc and you certainly wouldn’t want to ruin her day. Just for peace.

Sparkerparker · 06/03/2019 18:23

YABU - it’s your sister’s wedding
She doesn’t have to have your tiny baby at her big day
It’s up to her if she wants her own child there
It’s also uk to her to decide if you’re bridesmaid or not. You changed the dress I understand why but ultimately, you changed it.
You will regret it if you don’t, be a grown up.

Cockadoodledooo · 06/03/2019 18:26

What do your parents say?

EllenMP · 06/03/2019 18:42

I’m afraid you have to go to the wedding, of only for the sake of the rest of the family who will be affected by a long term rupture. But I think you can very sweetly say your situation is causing too much hassle and friction and it would be better for all if you just came as a guest and sat with your family near the exit during the ceremony. Also, that you promise to breastfeed your baby during the speeches so he will definitely be quiet. ;)

ToftyAC · 06/03/2019 19:25

YANBU.

Diva66 · 06/03/2019 19:28

I wouldn’t go, you have a newborn and are breastfeeding and your sister is being a cow.

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 06/03/2019 19:32

I don't understand why your sister is waiting until the day itself before deciding whether to allow you to be bridesmaid. This is very strange and controlling behaviour. Is it so she can decide if she likes you in the dress and if she doesn't she'll dump you? Sorry sweetie but sisters don't treat each other like that and I'd be telling her so. She should be saying "I don't care if you wear a bin bag and breast feed down the aisle- I want you there by my side." Her priorities are way off with this one.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 06/03/2019 19:56

Why should you accept crap behaviour just because the dsis is a relative?
Stay home op, your dsis gives zero fucks about your feelings at this time.
You need to be enjoying your pregnancy and gorgeous baby not sweating about her big day imo.

Momo18 · 06/03/2019 20:01

She's a cheeky cos quite frankly! I never demanded my bridesmaids buy their dresses, that in itself isn't right unless they truly offer and are happy to. You definitely need to stand up to her, she's being a controlling bridezilla

Catsinthecupboard · 06/03/2019 20:02

Babies get sick. I think yours will (should) be the weekend of the wedding.Flowers