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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to sister's wedding?

109 replies

Toxicity1984 · 04/03/2019 23:58

My sister asked me to be Bridesmaid last year and we fell pregnant before they announced the date. Fast forward 9 months and little one is here and the wedding is in two weeks. Little one will be 6 weeks old.

With regard to dresses my sister had myself and the other Bridesmaid buy a dress online last summer. We tried one that I told her I didn't like as I had ordered the biggest size available and at 16 weeks pregnant felt it didn't fit, and therefore felt that with post baby belly the dress wouldn't fit. I suggested I wait until baby arrived and then find a dress that fit her colour scheme and fit my post baby belly, suggesting that both of us bridesmaids wait. She wanted to ensure that the other Bridesmaid and I were in the same dresses so we brought matching ones online last summer- me not having a clue whether it would fit.

The dress is strapless, I am breastfeeding and there isn't the material to get it taken out. I have shopped around and found alternatives to see whether she will be happy with me being Bridesmaid in any of the dresses that do fit - same floor length design, same colour etc. I have spent a fortune on trying to find a dress to suit and feel like I was more than reasonable when I was honest about the first dress and said I didn't know what post baby body would be like.

I messaged her this evening with pictures of the dresses and she is going to decide on the day whether I am in fact Bridesmaid or not. She further then asked that my partner and baby do not attend the ceremony and speeches but wait in the bar! This has infuriated me, as we have said all along my partner would be at the back ready to exit should little one make so much as a peep.....to now say that they aren't allowed to attend has really upset me. I feel like I should add we are travelling 300+ miles with a newborn and spending a fortune on hotel accommodation for it. I feel like she is excluding half my new little family from the wedding. I get it is her day and they don't want it ruined by a baby crying...but I am so upset and am seriously wondering whether it is worth the hassle of my little family travelling all that way!

Also there is more chance of my 7 month old nephew crying than my sleepy newborn....

Furthermore if we go all that way and she doesn't want me as Bridesmaid then I am inclined to spend the ceremony and speeches with my partner and baby rather than on my own in the audience. I'm saying this as a sleep deprived new mum, I do recognise it is my sister's wedding (and chances are I would stay for the ceremony).

I know an element of my upset will be hormones, but I also feel I have been reasonable throughout this whole fiasco. Am I being completely unreasonable to be contemplating not going? The whole saga so far has caused enough upset in the family, and I don't think it would be fair on my Mum who has been in the middle of this all, for me not to go...but I am considering it right now!

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 05/03/2019 08:21

I think the zilla-Dom creeps up with every minute detail NAILED DOWN (becomes a control anxiety thing). Only ever known one person who was able to reverse the process - good friends who saw what was happening and in time to change all plans and have small wedding with meal out afterwards. Huge sighs of relief and admiration from lots of us !!

HeyArthur · 05/03/2019 08:32

My sil had the same cunty attitude so my dh decided we weren't going. We don't regret it all!

HeyArthur · 05/03/2019 08:33

We don't regret it at* all.

SpannerH · 05/03/2019 08:45

Hell no I would not be attending and I would tell her exactly why.

Gth1234 · 05/03/2019 08:47

I think you ought to stand up for yourself. Drop out of being a bridesmaid. If your partner and baby aren't welcome, I wouldn't go at all.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/03/2019 08:50

I'm curious to know if your mum is aware of this madness.

Your sister has got a bloody cheek and I wouldn't be going at all if I was you. What is wrong with all these bridezillas.

Damntheman · 05/03/2019 08:52

No baby in the ceremony is okay.. her choice. Although I agree, newborns tend to be a lot quieter than older kids! But the dress she is being entirely unreasonable about.

I would gently blame distance and sleep deprivation for stepping down as bridesmaid, and then go as a guest.

oldmum22 · 05/03/2019 08:54

I would resign as a bridesmaid and to avoid a fallout , I would say as a new Mum you are concerned about the long journey and change of scenery on your baby. I would offer to stay with your OH and baby in the bar (in the hope that she would see it was unreasonable) and then see what her response is. I get it is her big day but really, knowingly or unknowingly she has managed to alienate you and your family by her actions .

Smelborp · 05/03/2019 08:59

Absolutely no way would I go under those circumstances.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/03/2019 09:01

she is going to decide on the day whether I am in fact Bridesmaid or not

Ridiculous, you're supposed to travel all the way there in the hope she'll 'approve' dress? That you've sent her pictures of?

She further then asked that my partner and baby do not attend the ceremony and speeches but wait in the bar!

Just damn rude. Tell her now you're not going; resign as bridesmaid and wish her well.

Enjoy your new baby and stay at home!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/03/2019 09:01

Is she asking you to buy a dress that you might not be able to use? Why is she going to decide on the day? Would you be able to return it at this stage or later?

I think I'd be inclined to text her a picture of you in the dress. And say this is it, you know it's her big day and you're trying to be supportive but you can't afford to spend x on a dress you might not wear so really need to know by y date if you'll be bridesmaid or not, and you'll be happy with whatever she decides as you'll still be there to share the special day with her.

I wouldn't be too bothered personally by the baby waiting in the bar, they will probably be more comfortable and tbh your partner probably isn't that upset to not see the actual ceremony

SparklyMagpie · 05/03/2019 09:03

I'd bow out if it was me. She's waiting till I'm the day to decide if you are a bridesmaid?!? That alone is bang out of order let alone everything else

winsinbin · 05/03/2019 09:04

Not attending your own siblings wedding ceremony is a massive deal whatever the reason. You are quite right to think she is being a total cow but people do go insane over their weddings. If you were to not attend because of this it could impact on your relationship for ever. Is it worth it just to make the point that she is being unreasonable?

I would be the bigger person, turn up, wear whatever she says, let your DP and baby enjoy a quiet nap or drink during the service and try to enjoy the day.

Springisallaround · 05/03/2019 09:15

I read it as the OP's sister would rather the baby wasn't there for the service/reading of vows and the speeches. I have to be honest, having heard babies screaming during both, and parents having to run out with babies during both, in some ways it makes sense to just avoid this altogether. I don't think the partner is uninvited, just in the quiet bits where babies screaming is quite undesirable.

FrozenMargarita17 · 05/03/2019 09:16

I would step down from being a bridesmaid. I would still go, and wear something comfortable and breastfeeding friendly and I would just go to the wedding as a guest. Then spend time with your baby.

Newborns are portable at that age, we drove to Disneyland Paris (3ish hours) with dd age 10ish weeks and she slept the entire way so I wouldn't worry about the travelling unless your baby doesn't like the car seat much, then I would decide if the journey was worth it!!

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 05/03/2019 09:28

Better spend the cash on a nice trip with dh +dc.
Your dsis is a cf.

AnimalBabysitter · 05/03/2019 09:30

Tell her to fuck off. I wouldn't be putting up with that shit and a newborn. Stay at home and enjoy your baby OP

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/03/2019 09:30

This is your sister. She does sound batshit crazy but you cant just not go (IMHO) - you will never hear the end of it for one thing. Suck it up and get on with it

CouldntThink · 05/03/2019 09:30

We had a 6 week old at our wedding and they didn’t make a peep.

Deciding if you can be bridesmaid on the day after driving 300 miles to get there with a newborn? Tell her to get to fuck.

runninginheelsisnotfun · 05/03/2019 09:53

@LoniceraJaponica it's not about being centre of attention at all. It's about planning for and paying an absolute bloody fortune for the ceremony you want with the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Average amount to spend is about 15 - 20k I think (don't quote me on that) and all the girl wants is to say loud and proud I DO and the fear of it turning into I waaah wahhhh is enough to stress her out.

My DH was happy to miss the ceremony it's the boring bit for most guys but means the world to the bride and groom. Why would you choose to stress her out when there is a simple solution that isn't that big a deal. It's not like they are excluded from the 12 + hours of the wedding, just the bits where silence is just good manners, 30- 60 mins tops.

The dress thing mind you is just pure batshit crazy! That needs dealt with pre wedding

Drum2018 · 05/03/2019 10:03

Take yourself out of the running as bridesmaid for a start. Tell her today that you will step back and let her ask someone else. It's a stupid idea to wait until the day itself to make such a big decision as to whether you will be worthy to be bridesmaid! Once that weight is lifted go as a guest so you can come and go to your room during the day to feed baby as needs be. You'll probably enjoy the day seeing relatives without the stress of bridesmaid duty and without her dramas hanging over you.

pinkyredrose · 05/03/2019 10:53

So you've got to stand in front of her in your dress and have her judge whether you're acceptable to be her bridesmaid or not? After having travelled 300 miles with a newborn and paying for your own dress and hotel? !! Fuck that shit.

Foslady · 05/03/2019 11:24

Just a thought - if she says you can’t be a bridesmaid, will you still be allowed to wear your dress that is bridesmaid coloured? Personally I’d feel a bit of a dick wearing a dress that was in their colours but standing elsewhere......and if she’s being a bit of a bridezilla now what will she be like on the day?

user1471426142 · 05/03/2019 11:37

Your sister is being horrid really. I knew my bridesmaid was trying to conceive so we got a dress that was bigger and could be altered easily in case she got pregnant. As it was she did conceive but had such bad morning sickness she lost loads of weight. It wasn’t an issue to alter it and make it smaller. Your sister can’t wait for the day of the wedding to decide if you’re bridesmaid or not and relegating your partner to the bar is just a bit mean. I tried to make life as easy as possible for my bridesmaids with children- I sat them with their families rather than on a toptable for example and tried to make timings workable for them in the morning. It’s not really that hard.

LoniceraJaponica · 05/03/2019 11:44

Quite apart from the Bridezilla aspect the 300 mile journey would be enough o put me off. You do know that you will have to make many stops en route if you are driving. I would be inclined to decline the invitation for that reason alone.

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