Does this sound like grooming? Please help- step uncle

[Lam23]

Posting for traffic/I’m not sure where else this belongs..
Background if it helps: I’m a mum of a nearly 4 year old. She is very bright, happy, outgoing, completely normal development wise and attends nursery full time. I met dh when she was 2 and they have a great relationship, which has grown over time, i can honestly say I really trust him and she has started to call him daddy which feels natural for us all. Her dad has never been in the picture and we have no contact with him.
I have recently begun to have real worries about her relationship with my dh’s brother. He is 31, unmarried, no kids. Generally quite an immature guy (loves gaming, works minimum wage job and lives in a flat share) but seems pleasant enough since I’ve known him. However, since he met dd at a family gathering probably a year ago, alarm bells are ringing for me more and more and I don’t know if it’s instinct or paranoia. Every time he sees her he picks her ups lot, tickles her, cuddles her, he addresses her as “friend” (seems odd for a 3 year old), he always buys her extravagant presents whenever we see him. She is a trusting kid and I’m beginning to think, too trusting- because of all the positive attention he gives her (and maybe because she lacked a “dad figure” the first couple years of her life?) she absolutely loves him, talks about him loads, nowadays whenever he is there at a family gathering she just wants to go to him and has a tantrum if I say no or keep her next to me. It seems really excessive that she is so into him and that he had instigated this type of relationship with her- dh’s sister, who has kids, has what I would consider a more normal relationship with my dd and is lovely to her but definitely doesn’t push the boundaries. He has now offered to babysit a few times and I refuse point blank each time which I think dh is a little upset by (dh idolises his brother and I can’t talk to him about ANY of this). It happened again yesterday with lots of cuddling, sitting on his knee. My own brothers don’t do this with my dd and I feel like I can’t put a stop to it, but she is so trusting and I don’t know how to protect her. Whenever she needs a male figure she seems to get overly attached anyway, but for me this is going too far. She doesn’t want to be near me or dh when his brother is around, the amount of presents makes me uncomfortable and I feel like the physical stuff in public is a possible first step of grooming. Can anyone please help me understand what to do, it’s a really sensitive situation. Does this sound odd? I would appreciate anyone who knows about signs of grooming etc to weigh in. Do I sound crazy?
Fwiw my mum and sister are both teachers and having witnessed the interactions said that their own instincts were kicking in too and that the developing relationship wasn’t necessarily appropriate/he seemed a little over interested in kids.
Please help, this is stressing me out so much whenever we are around family.

What I don’t really understand is why aren't you asking the uncle to simply stop. Why are you spending all this headspace orchestrating something that could be tackled in a direct way.
After all, if anything, god forbid, was to be attempted, I should think you won’t stop to make him a cup of tea and talk to him, would you?

What I would do is talk to him when DD is out of the earshot and tell him straight: I’m really uncomfortable with this and that and I need you to stop. Less with the sitting on the knee and physical contact.

And to the rest of the family, you can do the same: I’m teaching DD about body boundaries, this is what I need you to do.

It takes a village and all that, but if it’s not right, it’s not right.

As a young teenager (15) I was being groomed by a gay woman at work . I had not realised until a man that I worked with had a chat with me and told me she wanted a sexual relationship with me . This was many years ago and ironically she took me to a place where Jimmy Savile met a few of his victims!
It is wrong to tar all single men with the same brush. My friend's brother struggled to get a job due to illness. For many years he babysat for me and his sisters to earn some extra money. There was never an issue .

Wow.. a lot to think on here overnight. Thanks all. I’ll try and answer some of the Qs that keep coming up..

Dh’s sister has babies so it’s a bit different, you can’t really play and stuff with them in the same way as a little kid and anyway pretty much everyone is cuddly with babies. I haven’t seen him with any other kids though like I said, the narrative in dh family is how much he loves kids and is great with them. Guess maybe it jars with me because I find him a slightly fake adult and he also used to badly bully dh when they were kids so it all doesn’t quite add up. He does give dd attention at larger family gatherings such as our wedding to the exclusion of other stuff, and he has got her into quite a specific cartoon fandom which she hadn’t known about before and he keeps giving her presents related to it so it’s weirdly becoming “their thing” even though I find it annoying and would not have chosen for her to get so into it. It’s not age inappropriate or anything I guess it just is that I don’t want them to have a “thing” that develops that specific bond further. They don’t need one like that.

In dh family I think the general idea is women do the house stuff/men get waited on a bit but I soon put that idea down quite frankly to dh when we moved in together. The men are always right, especially dh’s brother who is sort of the golden child. MIL is very nurturing sort of woman but occasionally she has initiated stuff like talking about dh adopting my dd which we already decided against (for now anyway).. she is quite pushy about “ownership” of my dd and tbh I probably haven’t been assertive enough about saying less presents, etc. Therefore it’s going to cause friction when I raise that I want to set some boundaries with his family because in his mind they are right and amazing. However like I have said, it won’t stop me.

Yes agree with posters who say he might just be acting how his dm acts... but my original point was kind of that I only don’t find her actions OTT/slightly off, because she is a woman with kids. But she has always been so affectionate and intent on winning over my dd that at times it has made me uncomfortable. I’m not saying she is a predator just that she plays physical games with my dd and definitely tries to buy affection, and has done from very early on, which to be fair while could be good intentions isn’t necessarily something I have to be grateful for because I have a dd. We actually live very far from them and I was an independent single parent with a lot of support of my own so I didn’t need a “stepfamily in shining armour” for my dd. I think I should have been alllwed to set the parameters more. I remember having this row with dh when I wanted the first meet between dd and his parents to be quiet and chilled as she was quite shy, and they turned up with all the siblings plus the siblings in laws

It’s not age inappropriate or anything I guess it just is that I don’t want them to have a “thing” that develops that specific bond further. They don’t need one like that

I think it is very important not to conflate your belief that your dd and her step uncle don't need a specific type of bond with him being a groomer. If you are not comfortable with your dh's family's boundaries that is fine, but stop trying to convince yourself that one member is a paedophile and your dd has attachment issues.

Ah yes, because all men who are nice to children are paedophiles.

FFS!

I don't know why you are trying to undermine the OP. That is exactly the strategy that a lot of paedophiles use.

I just mean that he seemed to create an opportunity for them to spend more time together/develop their bond by introducing her to something she’d never heard of that now makes her really want to see him.
Sorry, a 3 yr old and a 31 yr old, i don’t need them to be mates.

@Lam23 please trust your instincts as a mother, you have them for a reason. My half-brother was always described as 'so good with children'. He is single and childless. Would always make a bee line for other people's children. He physically and sexually abused me as a child for years, right under the nose of my mother.

OP. What if your partner (who your daughter is now calling "daddy") treated your daughter in the same way?

Would you also accuse him of being a paedophile?

After all, isn't that a tactic paedophiles use to get close to their targets?

Get into a relationship with the mother to gain access to the child.

Or is it only men you just don't like who are paedophiles?

I’m really aghast that people would now try and make me second guess whether my dh is a Paedophile? Beggars belief.
Also have I ever used the word paedophile at all?

Op, it is standard practice for people who seek to harm children to "groom" adults into defending them and justifying their behaviour. Your partner could well be being groomed by his brother.

OP hasn't accused him of anything, but wants to safeguard her DD and not put her at risk as he is displaying some red flags, which may or may not, be innocent. Why are people undermining her?

Tbh if this guy is 'feeling broody' he should be out there meeting women to find a partner, not frequently requesting to babysit a 3 year old.

he also used to badly bully dh

keeps giving her presents related to it so it’s weirdly becoming “their thing”

Please stop listening to the virtue signallers on here and the 'not all men'

THESE TWO THINGS ARE RED FLAGS

Trust your instincts. I think you're level headed and doing the right thing. I'd be wary about dh family adopting though. It would have to be several years down the line at least. She's your daughter, and the bio dad. Does your dh really need to be down as father?

I think 2 years into a relationship is still quite young and new so stick with your intuition.
Sorry your getting a roasting on here.

Yes coffee. That’s what I was saying- I was pretty (unpleasantly) surprises that MiL brought up adoption without any sense of my feelings about it! For a number of reasons I am not going for it in the foreseeable future and dh understands this. I was using it as an example of his family pushiness (given the context)

@HoppityFrog3 OP isn't being ridiculous by bringing Michael Jackson in as a comparison. Michael Jackson was a child groomer and prolific paedophile. HTH!

Shame on those of you trying to undermine the OPs gut instinct to protect her child just because it doesn’t fit in with your poor men narrative.
The worst that can happen if she’s wrong is hurt feelings on the brothers part, the worst that can happen if you listens to you lot is her child could be abused!

OP you seem overly worried about your DH reaction though which is weird to me, you’re her parent you don’t need to explain anything at length to him. You want to limit your DDs time with his brother because you don’t feel comfortable with it, end of story.
You’re her protector, you don’t have to run anything past your DH.

I'm with @8FencingWire

What I don’t really understand is why aren't you asking the uncle to simply stop. Why are you spending all this headspace orchestrating something that could be tackled in a direct way.

What I would do is talk to him when DD is out of the earshot and tell him straight: I’m really uncomfortable with this and that and I need you to stop. Less with the sitting on the knee and physical contact

^^This
I wouldn't be worrying about anyone other than my daughter, and I'd be telling the entire lot of his family that you won't be seeing any of them for the next 6 months, and after that it will be on your terms only. As will any gifts. Adoption FFS. God. You need to get yourself and DD away from these people until they can respect you and the boundaries you set.

DH's brother may have offered to babysit because you said he is in law enforcement. If that means police he has been CRB checked and also has had first aid training so is more ideal than someone with no idea of first aid. But still trust your instincts of course. I was always careful with my DC when they were young, only an uncle and aunt ever babysat them.

Please stop listening to the virtue signallers on here and the 'not all men'

THESE TWO THINGS ARE RED FLAGS

This.
What kind of adult male (or female) is into cartoons that 4 year olds like? Or why is he encouraging her to like things that might make her feel older?

Best case, this family and this man don't recognise boundaries and are controlling.

Worst case, in a few years she's chatting online through a secret messaging thing that's "their thing" and meeting with him secretly.
Or, even earlier, he engineers an opportunity to be alone with her despite your best efforts. (When you're ill, having a second baby, your DH visits alone, they visit and you're at work...)

The consequences would be too serious for me, even if the risk is small. And it doesn't look small, from what you say.

I’m amazed about the amount of contact and family gatherings! Dh and I see our siblings maybe twice a year and we all live locally to each other.

But yes agree with everyone else. Trust your instincts. If you’ve met, moved in with and married your dh in under two years then Creepy Uncle is still a relative stranger in my eyes.

@CouldBeAnyoneReally not to mention Creepy Uncle's "Random Friend" who turned up to share his enjoyment of the DD.

Honestly I wouldn't be letting her be in the same room as him ever again

Yes this is it. At her impressionable age I just don’t want to foster the idea that adult “friends” are the main relationships she should be having. This will only get more intense if he is continued to be allowed some special place in her life that tbh he hasn’t earned. I do agree with pp up there who said there are boundary and control issues with dh family. Dh himself can be “controlling” but in a relatively benign way (suggesting I give up work without lining up another job.. he thinks it’s a nice offer as I hate my job but I know that i would lose my independence.) Also his desire to have input with dd has always been slightly more than I would like and it’s takdn a while to drum it in his head that it really is my call.

Can’t stop thinking of the fact that if we have kids, dh brother will have even more of this access and influence. Dh sister is already letting their brother and his gf babysit their babies even though neither have any baby experience at all. I just wouldn’t. I wouldn’t and it’s my gut. It’s impissible to justify or explain.

No no no.

Do not fall for this.

Trust your instincts.

It is a normal tactic of grooming to push someone’s natural boundaries and make them feel uncomfortable.
It is also a tactic to have nurture a special relationship with a child ie : friend... instead of the usual adult child relationship.

Stop this man from being around your dd and don’t qualify why to anyone.