If you're not a single parent, you don't know what it's like??

[MissB83]

I'm a single working parent.

Half the time if I say that, people say "oh yes I know how you feel, my husband works long hours/often works away from home/I'm a SAHM home with the kids all day..."

No you don't!

Any one of those scenarios may have its own challenges but it is NOT the same as being a completely lone parent with no input at all from the other parent. No maintenance, no visits, no contact. Shouldering the entire physical, practical, financial and emotional load for your child/ren is a unique thing in itself.

AIBU?!

I agree with you OP

Well strictly true, but then you dont know what burden they are carrying either. I've been both. Neither was notably easier than the other. Does it have to be a competition?

It sounds like you’ve got it really, really tough. Not all lone parents are in the same boat though. Some share custody with the ex and have days all to themselves. Some have very supportive family who help them daily. Some lone parents are in an easier situation to some couples parents where one half doesn’t pull their weight.

Totally agree. I've been a single mum and I've been a mum with a DH who works from before the kids get up til after they go to bed at least a few days a week (luckily he changed his job recently). It's much harder doing it ALL on your own. I have 2 DC now and it's still easier having 2 and doing most of it on your own than have 1 (extremely well behaved) DC and doing it ALL on your own.

I’ve been both. I’ve been in the marriage where H worked long shifts so was barely ever there then I left the marriage and it was pretty much the same tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I agree completely op.

I was a single parent for years , we survived on my low pay as I could only work school hours , sporadic maintenance , and if the kids were sick it was obviously me that stayed up clearing up mess and reassuring them.

I'm now married we share the financial burden , we share the housework and my husband takes the baby so that I can sleep if it's been a restless night.

My sister used to get jealous that I had “weekends off” when my kids went to their dads.

Never mind the fact that the other 26 days of the month I was totally alone.

Then I became a military wife - which is worse 😂😂

It’s not the same. However I’m others are just trying to be empathetic

Im with you op. Im a lone parent and my childrens dad is absent also doesnt pay a penny in maintenance. I honestly think he may aswell be dead as there is just nothing at all from him. I do everything alone. Hate hearing people say they “feel like a single parent” though I do understand that not all single parents do it alone.

I haven’t had more than one hour (which I use to clean) away from my baby in 10 months. I can’t help but be a bit envious but I think turning it into a competition lone vs coupled is pointless. There are so many other factors at play.

I think people are trying to be empathetic. But it does come across a bit silly because it just reflects how little understanding they have if they think it is the same?

I would imagine the distinction is that where, for example, you have a partner but you have care most of the time, you are likely to have someone around at the key moments (the birth! Birthdays. Christmas. Special days) and also you have the emotional support at other times. I find it quite scary to have to make all the decisions on my own at times, especially if for example I have to make an assessment about seeking medical attention or doing something which is outside my comfort zone. It would definitely be nice to have someone to check in with. And also it's just a bit sad when you don't have someone to share the milestones with.

I agree with neither side of this. Which is another way of saying: I think this needs to be framed differently.

The problem I have is not that non-lone parents don't know what it's like to be a single parent. The problem is that they assume that they DO know, which can be a way of ignoring/not listening to the lone parents!

However, I disagree that it's impossible for anyone to understand an experience if they haven't been through it themselves. I think that's absolutely bollocks. The whole point of deep empathy and listening to others is that we can make connections across divides. However, the phrase 'putting yourself in someone else's shoes' is a REALLY bad one, because it assume that the person doing the empathizing is the most important - the one who is 'transferred' to the new experience. Actually, really deep empathy is more like self-erasure, not just in terms of an imaginative opening onto someone else's life, but in terms of making space for that person to articulate their experience and doing something about the power differentials that mean that they have been unable to do so to date.

YANBU. I have full admiration for working lone parents. I can’t imagine how tough it is. The emphasis being on the work working.

*word

It isn’t a competition. But it is bloody tough. I was widowed with two babies still in nappies and no relative within 250 miles. Trying to juggle work, childcare, illness (mine or theirs) was an exhausting treadmill. They’re now grown up and I’m retired - it’s the first free time or social life that I’ve had in 20 years.

I have actually tried to be quite careful in my OP to not say that one thing is "better" or "worse" than the other. I can't really express a value judgment when I've only seen one side.

But they are not the same.

I guess there are single parents that do have support, but I wasn't one of them when my dh died. And yes having no one to help with the finances, any of the day to day drudgery, or even speak on the phone at a distance for support when something was wrong, it was bloody hard. Its certainly not the same when you're completely alone.

Babdoc I am very sorry for your loss and your situation. That would probably bring very similar kinds of challenges.

downcasteyes that's a really interesting perspective!

Surely it is all different. A single working mum with an amicably separated working dad, who communicate well, pays decent maintenance, with good family & friend around versus a woman in a dreadful marriage with a partner who works away, never sees his kids and expects her to serve him when he is home versus a woman widowed with young children and no family support versus a teen mum in a shitty council house with no dad on the scene versus...

There are lots of ways to have a hard time as a mother, tbh.

I think I can say I know how you feel! I’m a single parent, in a similar situation to you. I have a disabled child too.

You probably don’t have a disabled child. However, I don’t think it’s a question of who has the easier/harder life! I’m sure you have some idea of how it feels for me, if you see what I mean?

I think comparisons are not really like for like, more I can imagine how it feels kind of thing

I do not agree - having been both - both have their pros and cons and uniwue challenges. Its not a competition

Nobody knows what someone else's life is really like. I have twins and people try to convince me it's the same as 2 close together - it's not but both are challenging in different ways. Nothing to get indignant about though.

Just because you're a single mum doesn't mean your experience is comparable and only comparable to other single mums. Some have family close by to babysit etc or have every other weekend when dc are with their dad. My close friend who has now remarried was single when I had 3 pre schoolers and dh working 6am to 7pm including some weekends. She used to comment that her life was easier than mine as she had every other weekend off whereas I didn't get a break at all. (Her comment not mine).

It's like the single mum brigade who only recognise mums with no ex in the picture at all. If ex is involved then apparently you're not a single mum, you co parent.

Maybe more support for the challenges of raising young people and less competition as to who has it hardest would be a better focus.

"There are lots of ways to have a hard time as a mother, tbh."

This is true, but we have some duty to each other to listen too. If someone is articulating that they find life difficult, then it's not very compassionate to reply by turning it into a competition. OP has made it clear that she doesn't have any support of any kind and it must feel like a slap in the face to be told that someone else 'understands' because their partner gets back after 7pm some nights.

I agree with you OP.
But I know several mums who say being a single parent is way easier than when they were married with a useless husband.