If you're not a single parent, you don't know what it's like??

[MissB83]

I'm a single working parent.

Half the time if I say that, people say "oh yes I know how you feel, my husband works long hours/often works away from home/I'm a SAHM home with the kids all day..."

No you don't!

Any one of those scenarios may have its own challenges but it is NOT the same as being a completely lone parent with no input at all from the other parent. No maintenance, no visits, no contact. Shouldering the entire physical, practical, financial and emotional load for your child/ren is a unique thing in itself.

AIBU?!

Shouldering the entire physical, practical, financial and emotional load for your child/ren is a unique thing in itself.

Everyone’s experience is different. I have no support and found being in a relationship with DD’s father way more difficult. Yes, it’s a financial struggle but it’s a price I am more than willing to pay not to have him in our lives.

It’s not a competition!

Having someone else to share decisions with or just to know you are both on board just makes a huge difference

Problem is, when I was in a relationship with DD’s dad, I never had that. DD’s Dad made life harder not easier.

It’s very difficult to make judgements on how easy or difficult other people have it.

"I always want to say something like 'yeah, sounds shit - wouldn't fancy your life much' but I'm guessing that wouldn't go down too well either...."

You sound nice.

Surely the kind thing to do when someone is upset is to listen, to make space for that person to express whatever they need to offload, and to try to make them feel just a bit better about themselves??

How about listening to that person for a bit, and boosting them with a positive message, like "I can't imagine how hard it is, and it's really unfair that you're having to shoulder that burden all by yourself. I'm glad you shared this with me, because you do such a brilliant job that it's easy to forget that you're doing it single-handedly. I struggle sometimes and there are two of us! [INSERT CHILD'S NAME] seems so happy and well-adjusted. I know I can't really imagine what you are going through, but you deserve to feel proud. If you fancy a coffee one day, I'm about!..."

My DH works away 4 days out of every 8, he often misses birthdays, Christmas, Easter, luckily he was off shift for the birth of the children but if he'd been at a job no guarantee he could be there. It's bloody hard sometimes but I am in no doubt that generally its a lot harder being a single parent.
So whilst I wouldn't say I have the same stresses and strains as a single parent I do feel able to empathise with the situation. I have in the past remarked that I don't know how those without support manage.

I’m with you Op and if someone is in a marriage with no financial support and therefore leaving you to pay all the bills whilst also not talking to you or sharing the decisions then why be in such a marriage, surely living in silence with no emotional, financial or practical support whilst married is not worth staying together?

Guess I’ve done both. Lone parent from when DD was 4years and with both my parents dead in just over year later. DD had operations to undergo as well.
Negatives I found was no one to share my DD’s milestones with, to step in with practical support if needed or to give a hug.
Positives I found was no arguments over decisions, discipline etc
Once DD was at school I made friends with other mothers and gained a lot of cameraderie, shared advice and most importantly of all, laughter.
I honestly preferred parenting alone and think it beats parenting with the other parent unless you are in the very best of equal partnerships.
However, I wouldn’t be honest if I said I didn’t occasionally miss someone to share the highs and lows.

I do agree but I think it’s a case of not single parents vs married, it’s more selfish me me being thoughtless about you, as a friend or acquaintance. As a step mum with full time care of DSD their mother regularly put up social media posts of how tough it was for her being a single mother...

I’ve been where you are. Ex just introduced conflict, no support, no family near. Tough. Just challenge it when you need to, or just say ‘oh really? So when you need to talk to someone at the end of the day there’s no one? Poor thing. And when at the weekends you just don’t want to be on your own, with the whole responsibility, your DH is always away?’ And smile.

In the interests of full disclosure I am close to my mum and she helps with childcare one a day a week whilst I am at work, however she is nearly 100 miles away so it isn't an everyday support other than by phone/text. Hoping to move closer to family soon.

Agree we don't know what it's like. Even if DH is away, I still know he will be back at some point and that makes it better. If you're a single parent, you know you're in it by yourself.

Well, to simply it down to the lowest common denominator ..... nobody really knows what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes.

If it makes you feel better most single parents I know seem to have had this! Me too. However being more generous, I think sometimes people say it to just say they have some insight, that you are not alone. So judge which it is. Friends are gold as a single parent, cultivate some good ones and in my experience it’s healthy to keep married and singles in your friends - otherwise it’s too narrow, or too isolating.

One of my single parent friends seemed to have it easier than me at times ( childcare on tap ( relatives) holidays without children when the dad had them, boyfriends to whisk them away on weekend breaks , worked without worrying about school pick ups as mum was round the corner etc etc)
I know this isn't the norm at all and she would say that the financial burden was a big deal for them when he first left her , but she still seemed to have a better life than I did with little children and I had a dh that worked away a lot for years so I was alone for a lot of it. I guess it depends on the dad's and how involved they are in things and how money is divided up. She was lucky and many are not / dads leave and contribute nothing. He always did his bit.

I have no clue what its like to be a single parent. Equally you have no clue what it's like to be disabled, mostly housebound and in pain every day or many other scenarios. It's not really possible for anyone to fully understand another person's life.

Im another one widowed with 2 very young children, now retired. I got particularly fed up with military wives telling me they knew what it was like - it's really not the same. I'm sure military widows could explain it better, but the mental load is exhausting - you can never, ever, switch off.

You're right op. If a partner is working away they may not be able to help much with the practicalities but it will certainly be helping with the financial side. Having a partner to share the mental and financial burden IS lucky, even if they're a lazy arse/aren't there to help much practically! It's being in a team.
If you're in Berkshire I run a support/social group for single parents. Would love to welcome you!

I agree with you OP.
Similar to people with DC close together that tell you they know how it is to have twins.

I'm full of admiration for single parents. It must be hard doing it all yourself. DH was away for four months once with work which was bad enough, we could speak to him on the phone but having to think about the day to day stuff was hard. I don't know how you do it day in day out.

YANBU.

got particularly fed up with military wives telling me they knew what it was like - it's really not the same. I'm sure military widows could explain it better, but the mental load is exhausting - you can never, ever, switch off

I can’t believe anyone would say this that’s shocking.

It's just something people say to try and make you feel you aren't alone. I'm guessing that the majority of time it is said out of empathy and not malice. You could apply the sentence to anything really because it's meaningless.

I know what it's like to have a disabled child because my child had a broken leg and was on crutches for months

I know what it's like to have a skin condition because I often get spots

I know how you feel about losing your mum because my best friends mothers dad died last year

I know how it feels to have fertility problems because I've been trying for 2 months and nothing happened

And so on...

The fact is that we never know anyone else's situation. There are plenty of single parents who have money and a support system. Plenty of single mums who have an ex who shares everything 50/50. Not all lone parents are doing it alone. Just as there are plenty of women with no support in marriages. People who,say stuff like this are generally just trying to show a bit of solidarity.

How you perceive the comment will vary depending on who's saying it and your own circumstances. YANBU for feeling the way you do about the comment but YABU for not understanding other people's situations and how they feel about it.

It depends on how a person sees a single parents. I know single parents but they are given huge support from their parents. The GP have taken on what the fathers of the children neglect to do. On MN single parents do it on their own which is a different scenario and is very difficult.

I'm a very lone parent too BUT I personally find it easier doing it alone than with my abusive arsehole of an ex. I don't always think single pare rd have it tougher just because of being alone.

I guess it doesn't occur to me to say this with regards to single parents because they chose to have a child and surely everyone should anticipate that it's quite likely that they might end up a single parent?

This. I am pretty aware of the single parent load, as my dad died in my early teens. I saw not only what my mother went through, but also took on a lot of the load- as the eldest she discussed decisions with me, I advised on younger siblings school decisions, was working p/t by 14.

As a result when i had a child i was, and am, fully prepared to do it alone.

As a lone parent, would you say to a widowed parent you know how they feel? Because you can’t. It isn’t the same

It used to upset me when friends told me they knew what it was like not to have a dad because their parents were divorced. Then in the next breath they’d say about their days out with dad, or how he only gave them £xx pocket money.

Where does it stop? Can no one ever use the phrase “i know how you feel” because they can’t- everyones experience is variable and different...

I think people are only trying to be kind and getting pissed off about it is a little OTT. There is never a perfect response (even the carefully crafted one above sounds a bit Too self aware and Dawson’s Creek). I’d probably manage to come up with “that’s shit”.