If you're not a single parent, you don't know what it's like??

[MissB83]

I'm a single working parent.

Half the time if I say that, people say "oh yes I know how you feel, my husband works long hours/often works away from home/I'm a SAHM home with the kids all day..."

No you don't!

Any one of those scenarios may have its own challenges but it is NOT the same as being a completely lone parent with no input at all from the other parent. No maintenance, no visits, no contact. Shouldering the entire physical, practical, financial and emotional load for your child/ren is a unique thing in itself.

AIBU?!

Yanbu. I was widowed when DS was 2. I actually had someone tell me she knows how I feel as her husband works away a lot

NoArmaniNoPunani

That's awful. Some people can be very self obsessed.

I would imagine the distinction is that where, for example, you have a partner but you have care most of the time, you are likely to have someone around at the key moments (the birth! Birthdays. Christmas. Special days) and also you have the emotional support at other times.

I am a lone parent, and have been since my DS's birth. His father has never laid eyes on him. But I think this one sentence is grossly underestimating a lot of people's circumstances, married/in a partnership or not. You don't know their lives.

How often on here do you read posts about women who are being emotionally abused or gaslighted by their partners, who are terrified to voice an opinion? Who have partners who offer nothing or very little to family life. Maybe in a marriage where the partners feel equal, loved and listened to, you have a point.

Then again, I've also seen it time and time again on here that when a mother has finally gotten the courage to leave and her XH disappears never to have anything to do with the kids again, not paying any maintenance, they admit that while it's hard, they find it easier than the life they were living. So what does that say about it?

For what it's worth, I'm quite happy doing everything solo and making decisions for just me and DS. Yes, it's full on, and I never planned it this way - I was married when XH walked out, never to be seen again - but even the 24/7 adjustment hasn't worn me down.

I don't think it's a competition, and everybody copes differently.

I think they are trying to be empathetic but getting it all wrong.

No one knows how anyone else feels to be fair!

You probably need someone to listen rather than saying they already know how it feels.

You are right, of course, OP.

But as a single parent to a thirty six year old with a life of her own, I can tell you, we get the last laugh.

When the children all grow up, we are free. They are still stuck with their husbands.

The thing is I don't know what it's like and I might one day but hopefully not. So if you were complaining about being stressed, upset etc the right thing to do is to listen and be supportive. It doesn't mean that your life is harder than mine or easier than mine, just that you need support at that time

HOWEVER when a friend told me she knew just how I'd felt when we were in hospital till newborn DS was 3 months and having gone through weeks of not knowing if he'd die and one major operation... Because her son had rell over and bumped his head on the table(They didn't even take him to hospital) I realised that people just like to try and find a connection.

You're a single parent? They once had the kids alone overnight.
Your kid was critically ill in hospital? Theirs once bumped it's head and cried a bit
You lost you job and don't know how to pay the bills? They once lost their card and couldn't get any cash out all weekend

It annoys me when they say He works away or works long hours etc etc so We don't see him for weeks or he doesn't help out.... Er, he's WORKING- earning the money to help fund the family/ lifestyle. Single parents don't have the company, the help OR the wage.

I'm a lone parent in the sense that I'm DDs primary care giver and not together with her father. She does see him regularly and always has, though we've had issues around that when she was small.
But I had a lot of help, from my mum and sister, and brother at times, and one friend in particular. I've always worked full time except for a couple of years when no nursery available made it impossible, then I was part time around my mums shifts.
I know several people in similar circumstances on the surface, all call themselves lone parents but our realities differ massively. One friend lives at home with her parents and ds, but she's still a lone parent, even though she doesn't have the same restrictions I did (DD is 16 now) another does it totally on her own, I help a little when I can around my own commitment but mainly, she does it all. I'm in the middle of both. My other friend is in a relationship and they both work full time and from what I know and see(I realise I don't know everything about it) parent equally. They still need help too.
I admit, it used to piss me off when my friend who lived at home with her parents and had that support all the time moaned about being a single parent, and used to massively admire (well still do) my other friend who did 95% totally on her own. Then I realised that all 3 of us, and the friends in the relationship, have different but very real challenges to face just parenting, whether alone or with help or with a partner.
I had an ex dictating a lot when he didn't have a clue about the real issues going on because he was an EOW dad. My friend didn't have that as her DC dad wasn't involved at all, but then she didn't get EOW all to herself to work overtime🤔. Friend who lives with her parents has all household stuff done for her and can nip to the shop when she wants as there's someone at home - but she lives by someone else's rules, I don't, my house, my rules, but also all the domestic and bill side of life left to me as I'm the only one. Totally single friend has all domestic stuff on her and she can't nip to the shop if she needs later on etc.
Couple friends disagree on how to parent sometimes, have to take into consideration another adult and their needs and wants.
I do think people are probably trying to empathise mainly, while a small part of them saying 'I don't have it made either' but it can be galling when you're knackered after being up all night with a sick child, have 50p left in your purse and someone who appears to have it easy compared to you says "Yeah I know exactly how you feel" I've been there and I get it.

Not being a single parent doesn't automatically exclude you from having to shoulder the whole load unfortunately. I would imagine that it would have been easier to be single at the time.

Absolute respect to all those doing the job solo.

I am a single parent with an EA ex. He pays maintenance but has zero interest in the children at all. Doesn't see them, has not contributed to their lives in any other way for 10 years.

An old friend was having a massive 'crisis' a few years ago. Her DH was having to work abroad 4 days a week for a couple of months. She said she felt like a single mum. I'm afraid I went ballistic at her - she has 2 incomes, shares all financial/household/child-related decisions with her DH, they emailed constantly and skyped every evening for bedtime stories etc. She had no idea of the unending SLOG of every single decision falling on me, no help in case of illness/disaster/night out etc. We are no longer friends as she just hadn't any grasp of how her situation could seem so much easier than mine.

Another friend has a fab relationship with her ex - still make parenting decisions together, are amicable, support each other, she gets every other weekend off and time without kids taking over every waking moment during school holidays. I'm jealous of her.

The trouble is (I think) that people often compare being in a couple and being a lone parent as if it is a one or the other situation. I think it's a spectrum with being a lone parent with no support practically, emotionally or financially on one end, and being part of a couple where both parents do their share, no money troubles and have family to help at the other. Then there's loads and loads of different setups in between, each with their challenges.

I grew up in a single parent family with an ok support network. Mum worked and although things were tight financially, we were ok. She had lots of friends who she could turn to if she needed someone to talk to.

I'm in a couple. My DP works hideous hours and there are weeks when I do all of the practical tasks alone. I don't have any friends or family for practical or emotional support. However, I don't have the stress of money worries.

People can empathise with each other because no matter what the family make up is, there will be aspects that they share.

I think the issue is when people start a game of parenting trumps

Y'know how it goes?

Example of two single parents

A- my ex hasn't paid any maintenance this month and he turned up drunk to the contact centre

B- that's nothing, I've never had maintenance from my ex and he has no contact

Thing is A and B are basically in the same boat. So why play trumps? Obviously this happens with people who have different parenting issues, also. Someone who is a single parent might have a lot in common with somebody who's husband works a way a lot but if they play trumps they will not end up friends. What a shame.

I am a single parent of the B variety by the way and I get it it sucks big time. But I'm not going to isolate myself by playing trumps. I have friends who are single parents with exes involved, who are in couples but their husband/partner is a bit crap, and who's husband/partner is amazing. I don't limit myself by thinking that my circumstances are so difficult that I am unable to empathise with others or have them empathise with me.

If they are well meaning but clumsy, we are still friends. Why not? It's not a competition! And for them having their DP/DH work away one night a week leaving them home along with the kids might be far scarier than me being at home with mine every night.

I’m not sure on this one.

A lone parent who works and has no help with childcare and has their children 24/7 has it much harder than a couple with parents on hand to babysit or pick up poorly children, who split parenting and household chores 50/50.

But a lone parent who’s children stay at their dads 3-4 nights each week, who has babysitters on tap has it easier than a parent within a couple who has to work, do all the housework/cooking and has no child support to call upon.

I’m a married SAHM and all childcare (obv) and house stuff is done by me. My husband is hands on when he gets home and puts the washing on regularly. We never go out anywhere because we have nobody to babysit our kids.

My ex SIL has her children 3 nights a week and every weekend free to please herself, clean, lay in, go out whatever.

I think she has it easier. Those 3 nights she has the kids it’s all on her, but she has plenty of time to reboot & relax in between those days and isn’t on a hamster wheel.

I could equally say 'whether you are single or or married, if you have children you can have no conception of what it's like to not be able to have children.' None of us know what another person's life is like. If someone compares their life to yours, maybe they are just trying to be empathetic?