If you're not a single parent, you don't know what it's like??

[MissB83]

I'm a single working parent.

Half the time if I say that, people say "oh yes I know how you feel, my husband works long hours/often works away from home/I'm a SAHM home with the kids all day..."

No you don't!

Any one of those scenarios may have its own challenges but it is NOT the same as being a completely lone parent with no input at all from the other parent. No maintenance, no visits, no contact. Shouldering the entire physical, practical, financial and emotional load for your child/ren is a unique thing in itself.

AIBU?!

No it's not a competition but undoubtedly it is far harder to be a single parent with no support at all, than it is to be a parent whose husband works away. Having been both, being completely alone with absolutely everything, decisions, finances, day to day graft, was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.

@downcasteyes yes- and that's true. Those people are being unempathetic. But it's not to say her sweeping statement is also true, that only single working parents know what it's like or can empathise.

I don’t think anyone can know they have it harder.

Any one of those scenarios may have its own challenges but it is NOT the same as being a completely lone parent with no input at all from the other parent. No maintenance, no visits, no contact. Shouldering the entire physical, practical, financial and emotional load for your child/ren is a unique thing in itself

I know of at least one woman who does all that, and deals with a shitty alcoholic husband on top, because he is incapable of doing anything but figuring out his next drink.

Each situation brings it’s own challenges. I could get cross at adults who tell me “i know how you feel, my dad died last year”. No, you don’t know how it feels to have a parent die before you even have a memory of them.

You could say it about any personal situation.

But it’s just an articulation of sympathy. I commiserate, and move on.

It’s not a race to the bottom and it’s not ok to judge others as you have no idea of the challenges they face even if their husband is around lots. Different people find different things a challenge. YRBU to suggest it.

Why is it so important that they are working? If their children / child is under 5 then the cost of childcare might well outweigh the wages unless they are earning well above min. wage, even with 'free hours', that don't always equate to a certain number of set days per week. Even exs who pay CMS maintenance rarely contribute to that enormous cost as well so I totally understand why some SPs might not work.

I do work full time and it's soul destroying sometimes feeling that you simply can't do either of jobs well enough because there aren't enough hours in the day. I know my kids would love it if I could pick them up myself at the end if their school day and my life would be a damn sight easier if I wasn't juggling it all but I am in a graduate profession, earn well and my kids are in school so it's a different thing.

As to the rest. Yes.. Its bloody relentless being the only one who does everything. EOW contact with ex does give me 4 days a month 'off', but mostly I use it to wash and iron uniform, bedding, run errands, do housework etc.

@clairemcnam it's definitely easier than having a useless/abusive partner! My years as a single parent were tiring but also very happy.

No the op is not unreasonable to suggest it at all. Yes many situations are challenging. And being a completely lone parent is one of those challenges.

I was just having this discussion, I think it’s hurtful to compare a husband at work all day to raising children alone because you have no husband. The two aren’t the same. Your husband being at work still means you have support when he’s home, another adult to rely on and extra income plus the joy of sharing your life with them, being alone in the day is temporary. A single mum does everything alone, deals with childcare to go to work, no company in an evening even if the dad is involved that has another set of difficulties like shipping your kids off, loneliness and having no family unit. I’m sure the people that compare mean it in a kind way just to be sympathetic, as if you haven’t been a single mum it’s easy to assume the two are similar I guess.

Kismet - I agree - I posted earlier to the effect that the whole point of empathy - real, proper, profound empathy, not the soap opera version - is that we can imagine what it's like to have experience that lies outside our own. But that takes a certain degree of effort, and a certain lack of egotism, which is the very reverse of the competitive oneupmanship of pain, and can be directly unkind!

Saying that I’m happiest when I’m a single mother and so are any of my single parent friends, life seems more simple and I prefer relying on myself than a man

Not all single parents have it as hard as you OP. My SIL is a single parent and her XH is rubbish, sporadically sees his son,I dont imagine he pays much either. However, his family know how shit he is and attempt to make up for it. They give her a lot of childcare and help, as does my MIL who prioritises her over my DH. She has several holidays a year and certainly gets more babysitting than we do.

I'm not saying I want to swap, but that you cant say one is more difficult than the other. Both can be very difficult.

I think it's a tricky one as nobody really knows what it's like to be anyone else as there are so many variables and factors that can influence our experience. Another single parent could have less in common with your situation than a parent still with the father of their child as other factors such as outside support, money etc could mean that a single parent actually has more help and assistance than their counterpart in a relationship.
Being a single parent is a characteristic that will shape your experience, but it doesn't mean others aren't having a similar experience due to other factors or influences.

I am not a single parent, but I am a parent to young children.

I am almost certain I have no idea how I could do it on my own.

So to single parents

Yep! I was a single parent for 7 years and I've had people say to me before 'I'm basically a single parent' because their DH worlds long hours or works away some weeks. It's actually really annoying to hear that when you are an actual single parent

I agree with you OP. I was a single parent to my now-grow-up DS. It was very very hard.

I do work full time and it's soul destroying sometimes feeling that you simply can't do either of jobs well enough because there aren't enough hours in the day.

I definitely identify with this and it makes me feel doubly rubbish because my DS doesn't have another parent at the end of the day, so if I'm exhausted and can't give him my energy then the guilt settles in. And I'm equally tired to be able to do that good a job at work!

Also, I've been both too and it's definitely not the same. Having someone else to share decisions with or just to know you are both on board just makes a huge difference

When friends would say my husband works away so I know exactly what it's like, it used to drive me crazy. Or when my friend (also Lp) would say how difficult it was when her family looked after her child 3 nights a week.

I think the biggest difference for me was financial security. I was 200 miles from anyone, working FT, studying and fighting to get DD the right support (ASD) - I was constantly terrified that I would lose my job due to the amount of time off I had. Also, just having NO money and trying to entertain her on rainy weekends. However maybe time relaxes your opinion and I just think everyone struggles and were trying to relate, to show we had some of the same struggles.

I hope your OK OP, it is tough, the only thing I can say is it does get better. My DD is 15- bright, happy and we are very close - she really appreciates everything I've done for her without me mentioning any of the hardships, as shes worked out for herself how hard it must have been.

YANBU. If you’re not a SP then you have no idea of the stress of being the sole breadwinner, and The loneliness of not having anyone to share the special times with or the bad times with.

My friends DH worked away doing shifts but every night he rang her and DC. When he was home he helped out with childcare and Housekeeping and running the DC around.

It’s all the little things, being on holiday on your own, days out on your own. Dealing with every single thing on your own. Nobody to discuss things with, help make decisions. Nobody to share some of the burden of everyday life.

XH has DC around 7 times last year so I have sole care around 99% of the time. It’s bloody hard work with no emotional support. (Although some of it gets easier as DC gets older).

I agree with you OP- however MNetters are quick to jump down the throat of anyone who says you "you dont know what its like to be a parent until you are a parent"....so not quite sure why this would be different.

I'm not a single parent, but I grew up in a single parent household after my father died when I was in my early teens - so I do understand in a broader sense. I saw the struggles my mother went through.

I agree with you. I don’t think people who say that have thought it through especially the financial and practical aspects and the logistics of working/childcare etc. They might be thinking of the day to day care of the children and the sleepless nights but not the rest of it. Much of it would never have occurred to me tbh until it happened to me.

Exh was not hands on with the children but I do miss the practical things he contributed eg fixing the washing machine or getting the mot on the car. It did lighten the load a little bit.

Fortunately no one has ever said that to me!

I'm a single mom of one.

To be honest, I was pretty much one even when I was with her dad. I really enjoy it, one less person to look after really :P
It is challenging, working and juggling everything by yourself, but the hardest part for me is trying to co-parent with DD's dad.

So even if your a single parent, each of us has different challenges within that. I think being a parent is hard and exhausting either way :)

I've been both. YADNBU. The stress levels are so much lower when you are not the one responsible for every single thing.