To tell ex to fuck right off

[Lolasinthegarden]

Ex abruptly stopped seeing DD four months ago (new partner on the scene). Literally just stopped turning up, no contact since. She was devastated and it's only been the last few weeks she's stopped asking about him.

Her 4th birthday is in 3 weeks. I've just had a text off him: "whats happening with DD's birthday" I text him back and said 'in what sense?' and he replied "i want to see her"

I'm torn between ignoring him, sending him a laughing face emoji or replying 'well she wanted to see you when she was in the hospital for two days and when you didn't turn up to her school play and all the times she tried calling you and you didn't answer so i'd suggest you fuck right off asking whats happening on her birthday you utter cock'

AIBU?

*CMS sorry!

Keeping it short is good too. I’ve had plenty of years with crap Ex, and as good as it might feel to fire off a heartfelt rant - it always pulls you back in... to something not great, a fight, etc.

My Ex brings up texts I’ve sent years ago. Wish I’d been very short and polite. But FIRM. That’s the key to holding your strength.

Months of me being reasonable, begging him not to abandon her, telling him she needs him in her life, trying to facilitate any contact he could muster. They were met with silence and then blocked contact. I was reasonable and grown up and nice for months. It didn’t make the blindest bit of difference.

OP you know what the outcome of this is going to be for your DD, this isn't a lot of pitchforks on the internet hyping you up. She's just been through hell with this and she's only four. Don't let him do it again.

Polite response explaining how damaging this has been for her and how you can't take the risk of it happening again. Outline rules for new start, starting with letter/postcard contact and a discussion with you on how he sees it working. Lots of hard work on his part before he even sees her. That's your starting point. He will probably flounce. Your DD doesn't need to know anything about it.

As I've seen first hand the mess men like this create, I have much less time for the 'she has a right to know' line. Yes, she does. OP also has a responsibility to protect her from emotional damage. Right now, I think that takes precedence. 'Let him have one last chance' is fine when it doesn't mean putting your DD through the same trauma - that's simply cruel.

If you've already given him enough chances and made it clear that if he doesn't recognise his responsibilities to his daughter you were not going to facilitate any access without a court order, then a slightly politer version of your text seems the best response. You do need to draft it with one eye on how it would sound read out in court and the fact that his lawyers would have a field day with outright rudeness, but you also need to make it clear how much he has hurt his child and that you can't allow him to continue.

Well. I sent a version half way between my text and the versions suggested on here. Without the swearing.

It didn’t arrive because he’s blocked me again . Clearly my few hours mulling it over was enough for him to change his mind.

Next time I won’t bother replying at all.

Oh dear, what a knob, your poor DD, keep copies of everything and diary everything too.

Totally agree. A diary is essential and I promise you that a solicitor will love you for it if you ever get that far. It just makes their job so much easier (saves you money too).

Write to him, recorded delivery, explaining that has has made a request then blocked you so you want to make sure he receives your reply.

Poor you, I could've written your posts about 6 years ago. I know how devastating it is- my DD couldn't went mute for a few months as she was so traumatised and she wouldn't let me physically console her. For messages like the one your ex sent you, I would reply 'I will be in at such-a-time so you can drop off card/presents' if he did, great. If not, no loss as you couldn't rely on him anyway.
After his relationship ended, he began to take more of an interest and throughout his newer relationships. Don't really know what changed and he is still unreliable but my DD having a relationship with her father trumps my wish for him to just fuck off and die, basically. It's very hard. It's getting to the point where I question if I shouldn't have protected her from him from the very beginning. But she loves him.

Ignore the couldnt* (I was going going to say 'couldn't speak')

@sagradafamiliar that is just awful, poor DD.

My DD keeps having the same recurring nightmare. She’s driving along in a car with me and she’s in the front (she never sits in the front), then she says the car is spinning and spinning and then it stops and there are lots of people outside looking in and there is a man right at the front with a very distinctive feature looking at her but he doesn’t move like a statue. DDs dad has the same distinctive feature

@Lolasinthegarden that's a classic symptom of PTSD. I'd get her to the doc.

@Lolasinthegarden I'm saying that because I had the exact same thing

She’s only 3, well nearly 4. I was thinking about some kind of play therapy maybe?

Lola bless her. It's just awful. I'd advise the doctor's too. DD was in counselling for a while.
The only advice I can give based on my experience is don't waste your energy on trying to understand, appeal to, reason with, get angry with, or expect anything of the ex. It's a disgusting way for him to act but the former responses really are futile when the men involved cannot/will not, for whatever reason, be good fathers at the moment in time. Some men are ill-equipped for it, some are plain selfish, some are too immature and eventually 'grow up'. Some are plain abusive of course, a different kettle of fish.
I used to wish DD's dad would take me to court, I wished more than anything he would take an interest, I didn't want to be that woman who 'stopped him from seeing his kid' (the picture he painted to everyone) but of course I had to accept he would never do that if he couldn't even commit to a once-a-week agreed meeting. He wasn't bothered.
The anger and constant trying to fathom that mindset and weekend let downs were only a complete waste of my own energy, the negativity had no effect on the ex whatsoever as he was the one living it up and doing what he wanted, blocking me on a whim if he didn't feel like facing reality.
To sum up, as hard as it is, disengage, try to accept that this is how some people are, expect nothing and then cross the bridge when it comes to it if/when he decides he wants to offer a role in your DD's life at any point.

I'm sure that age-appropriate therapies are available. Poor kid.

OP if he's blocked you (after unlocking to send his message) I'd block him right back.

He can contact you via his mum.

Apologies for the double post! My DD was 2 and the sessions she had were what I would call play therapy looking back.

@sagradafamiliar, thank you so much for that post. It’s exactly how I feel at the moment. Constantly trying to find the right words to make him be the dad DD needs. But you are right, I can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to. I hope I reach that “acceptance” stage soon, I really do.

I won’t block him back on the off chance he does go to court. I don’t think blocking him will reflect well on me. Whereas I send him a “still blocked?” message every week and then screenshot to show it isn’t delivered. So at least I’ll have evidence that he blocked me in court.

Are you using the child maintenance service? Did he cut the amount of his own free will or was it reduced due to income? If its the former heres my suggestion. Contact cms if you have not already tell them his cut the amount or if your not with them pay £20 for them to take the case on. If he pays late and you are with them or he does not pay in full on day 7 contact them on day 8 they will directly take it from his earnings and it will cost him 20% on top of what he pays you so 100 to you would cost him 120. You would get 96 of that 100 ad they take 4% but 96 percent on time is better than 50% a week late.

No problem Lola. It does get better.

Tricia does the CMS actually work or is it like the frankly abusive old system (CSA)? Genuine question