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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ex to fuck right off

120 replies

Lolasinthegarden · 04/03/2019 12:29

Ex abruptly stopped seeing DD four months ago (new partner on the scene). Literally just stopped turning up, no contact since. She was devastated and it's only been the last few weeks she's stopped asking about him.

Her 4th birthday is in 3 weeks. I've just had a text off him: "whats happening with DD's birthday" I text him back and said 'in what sense?' and he replied "i want to see her"

I'm torn between ignoring him, sending him a laughing face emoji or replying 'well she wanted to see you when she was in the hospital for two days and when you didn't turn up to her school play and all the times she tried calling you and you didn't answer so i'd suggest you fuck right off asking whats happening on her birthday you utter cock'

AIBU?

OP posts:
Antonin · 04/03/2019 14:02

The general rule re indirect contact for adopted children is that it should not be at a significant time such as around the child’s birthday, Christmas, Easter etc as that engenders an expectation as each date approaches and the child will be upset if the birth family fails to send a letter etc.
If your DD is upset by the contact she will also relive it every birthday.
Tell him how she has been affected and that he has be told how contact should be regular and dependable and he is welcome to arrange a schedule of dates through his solicitor to gradually build up trust with DD to avoid further emotional disturbance.
Hopefully this will prove to be too much trouble

BejamNostalgia · 04/03/2019 14:04

I agree that he should not be allowed to see her on her birthday and you should tell him exactly why. It’s too much of a risk that he wouldn’t show up and ruin the day. Tell him he can call at a pre-arranged time. Don’t tell DD to expect it because she’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t.

If you give him one last chance, you can also prepare your daughter in an age appropriate way and even let her feel like she has some input into the decisions being taken.

It’s a really, really shitty situation. But don’t be abusive. Firstly it will let him know he’s got to you and give him a sense of control. As another poster says, he may be able to use it against you too.

Just behave in an adult, dignified way. Treat him coldly and professionally and don’t be drawn into arguments and slamming. Mainly because if you behave like that it will make his behaviour look even shittier.

Shelby2010 · 04/03/2019 14:06

I agree with previous posters that the text needs to be written as if it would be presented in court. Definitely No to seeing her on her birthday - far too traumatic for her.
Something like:
We already have plans for DDs birthday so she is not available. She has been very distressed by the sudden withdrawal of contact from you and your refusal to answer her calls. In view of this I need to know whether you are serious about resuming regular contact. You can’t drop in and out of her life without causing her emotional harm. Please let me know what your long term plans are & then we can discuss a mutually agreeable schedule of contact.

I think you should also see a solicitor & get her legally resident with you. At the moment he could pick her up from school/nursery & not give her back because he has the same rights as you.

DragAndDrop · 04/03/2019 14:11

*We already have plans for DDs birthday so she is not available. She has been very distressed by the sudden withdrawal of contact from you and your refusal to answer her calls. In view of this I need to know whether you are serious about resuming regular contact. You can’t drop in and out of her life without causing her emotional harm. Please let me know what your long term plans are & then we can discuss a mutually agreeable schedule of contact.

I think you should also see a solicitor & get her legally resident with you. At the moment he could pick her up from school/nursery & not give her back because he has the same rights as you*

^^ This

With no court order in place you are vulnerable here. Make sure, however, that yo do NOT end up with 50/50 care otherwise you will not be able to claim any maintenance. A lot of fathers are going for this to avoid paying (and then not having the DCs for anything like that). Get some advice, I'd say. A good family lawyer will help you avoid making mistakes.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 04/03/2019 14:16

I totally agree that you should not send the text as it is. It could go against you in Family Court. Sanitise it first to keep it factual and business like.

In terms of the birthday itself, in your situation I would say that plans are already in place for the day, but she could be made available for contact on X day (near to the birthday), but could he please confirm that he will attend as it has been very distressing for his child when he fails to attend for contact.

Original poster
Lolasinthegarden · 04/03/2019 14:17

All those reasonable messages are fantastic but they’ve already been sent in the months after he stopped contact.

Months of me being reasonable, begging him not to abandon her, telling him she needs him in her life, trying to facilitate any contact he could muster. They were met with silence and then blocked contact. I was reasonable and grown up and nice for months. It didn’t make the blindest bit of difference.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2019 14:19

I agree that it's best to be rational and 'adult' about this. Never put anything in writing that could later be used against you, even a little bit. Innui's text is perfect.

He needs to show by positive action that he wants to be a part of her life. It needs to be something that he has to want to work for. Based on his past performance, it's not likely that he'll expend the energy and money to take you to court. And that says it all right there, doesn't it?

It pisses me right off when a lazy arse parent asks 'what's going on for XX's birthday/Xmas?'. I'd tell them "I am having a party for DD. You can figure out yourself what you're going to do".

Ginger1982 · 04/03/2019 14:19

Just tell him she doesn't want to see him, then ignore him.

Nousernameforme · 04/03/2019 14:22

I'm another one for not sending that message. If you do he will show it around and it will give him the she won't let me see the kid not even on her birthday excuse.

Feel free to tell him what you think of him there is no need to be civil at all when dd cannot hear. I do think that you should allow him to see her on her birthday but at a time and place that works with your plans. DD will want to see her dad on her birthday so you are doing it for her really. That doesn't mean you can't tell him he is the lowest twatty scum for treating dd like this cause i really think you should.

Whatnotea · 04/03/2019 14:22

I would send the message but without the swear words.
Factual to the point with no drama or emotion.
"She wanted to see you when she was in the hospital for two days and when you didn't turn up to her school play and all the times she tried calling you and you didn't answer, her and I will be having a lovely mother-daughter day. I am sure you can see he another day"

ScrambledSmegs · 04/03/2019 14:23

Hé may well be a total lazy thoughtless git of a father but sometimes those men find themselves in long term relationships with women who make them step up and get involved with their children. Sounds crazy but It does happen. You need to future-proof your message to him.

Even if seems that it's a million-to-one chance that he could ever be the decent, involved father that your DD deserves, you have to guard against that possibility. After all, as the late great Terry Pritchett said, million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.

kingfisherblue33 · 04/03/2019 14:26

You are right, OP. he;'s a seflish cock. Your d is better off without an inconsistent deadbeat dad in her life. He's hurt her already. Don't let him hurt her again.

And take him to CMS for full maintenance. Wankstain.

kingfisherblue33 · 04/03/2019 14:27

If he ignored your messages and blocked you, then fuck him. Ignore his messages and block him. Twat.

CalmdownJanet · 04/03/2019 14:28

Fuck reasonable, sometimes being unreasonable and taking the moral high ground just makes you a door mat. I think you are right op, you've been reasonable and it got you nowhere. Definitely get on to cms too

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/03/2019 14:28

Tell him all future arrangements re access and money will have to be made through court after his recent abandonment of his daughter, and since that can't possibly be put in place in time for her birthday he won't be seeing her on this occasion.

Stay calm. Don't sink to his level, don't give him anything he could use against you. Just insist on a formal arrangement.

I'm sorry your daughter is stuck with such a shit dad, and that you're stuck having to deal with this arsehole.

lisamac28 · 04/03/2019 14:29

I do think that you should allow him to see her on her birthday but at a time and place that works with your plans. DD will want to see her dad on her birthday so you are doing it for her really

I think the people who think this^ is the way to go have never had to deal with a child who has been abandoned by a parent. It's horrendous. The child is then looking to the other parent for answers, crying, begging for Daddy, asking what they've done wrong. This goes on for months sometimes years if they're allowed back in multiple times. Why should these men get 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th chances?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 04/03/2019 14:30

Send him that text. With bells on. Maybe lol his testicles off for good measure.

Your poor dd- and poor you. I’d get maintenance through a legal route ASAP if you haven’t already and tell that Hellen’s where he can shove it.

Flowers
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 04/03/2019 14:31

Hellen’s?

*bellend

Inniu · 04/03/2019 14:31

Unfortunately just because he is a waste of space doesn’t mean that sending a sweaty text won’t go against you.

Stick to reasonable.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 04/03/2019 14:31

*lop not lol

It’s a Monday.

WatchingFromTheWings · 04/03/2019 14:31

Given your last update I'd ignore, block, phone CMS. In that order. He's had plenty of chances.

NCforthis2019 · 04/03/2019 14:32

I would be short with him but not reasonable;

You didn’t see her in the hospital nor reply to her calls. Plans have been made for her party already. You can see her another day. Regards xyz

LakieLady · 04/03/2019 14:34

My heart says let him have it with both barrels, but I think you have more to gain by playing nice and sending a text along the lines of Innui's.

Definitely go to CMS though.

billybagpuss · 04/03/2019 14:36

All those reasonable messages are fantastic but they’ve already been sent in the months after he stopped contact.

But they were you trying to be a good mum and initiate contact with an idiot who was ignoring your daughter. Now said idiot initiated the text, so as much as it hurts and is annoying, you need to stay reasonable never say anything in a text that may turn up in court. .

IvanaPee · 04/03/2019 14:43

All those reasonable messages are fantastic but they’ve already been sent in the months after he stopped contact.

I don’t blame you wanting to send the first text but be aware that anything can be ammunition.

I’d send something like

“Now that you’ve unblocked me I can tell you that dd was extremely confused and upset when you stopped seeing her, didn’t come to the hospital, didn’t come to her school play, and wouldn’t answer her several calls. Honestly, I don’t think her birthday is the time to drag that up again for her as it’s taken such a long time for her to come to a sort of peace with it. Perhaps we need to look at court ordered access and CMA payments so we know we’re doing what’s best for dd.”