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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Returning gifts and requesting cash

110 replies

RubyWho · 04/03/2019 09:37

Hello,

I can’t tell if AIBU or not and have have mixed views, so I thought I’d put it to the experts.

I bought some gifts - for no specific occasion- for two children in my family. I bought them because I thought they were cute and the kids would like them. I sent them via post and asked the children’s parent to confirm if and when they arrived. The parent confirmed they had arrived but asked me to return said gifts and give them (the parent) the money instead as that would be more useful.

Is this UR? Ungrateful? Or am I just being overly precious?

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 04/03/2019 11:13

They were very rude. 'Thank you so much for thinking of the children' is the only suitable response.

lmusic87 · 04/03/2019 11:17

God, so horrible

wednesday32 · 04/03/2019 11:18

wow, just wow. I would simply reply with a message along the lines of 'no problem with you sending them back, we know of some other children who would love them so will shall send the gifts to them instead. We won't be sending any cash as that was not the original purpose of sending these items. How the family are well and we'll catch up soon.' Just leave it there. You have made it clear there won't be cash but it's not a snarky message.

MikeUniformMike · 04/03/2019 11:19

Rude.
Had it been for a birthday, and it was your sister then she might not be BU, but as it was for no specific occasion, it was not ok to ask you to return them and ask for the money.

ginghamstarfish · 04/03/2019 11:27

The cheek of some people ... let her return them, get a refund if you can and forget about any future gifts. Or tell her to give them to a charity shop. I wouldn't give her one penny!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/03/2019 11:31

On the face of it, this seems very rude to me.

I wonder if there is a back story though. If these were DGC, and a MIL who is making clothing choices that a DIL might feel undermines her preferred style, that might put a different slant on things. Definitely wouldn't be sending the money though!

TheGoogleMum · 04/03/2019 11:32

I wouldn't send cash and tell them they can pass them ok if unwanted. I'd be a bit miffed if it was me in your situation. I'd consider their request for birthday or Christmas but not for a 'just because' gift. I guess because it's surplus to what they could expect (I know gifts shouldn't be expected but let's face it sometimes they are....) it would be odd to just send them cash randomly surely?

ahtellthee · 04/03/2019 11:35

I would just leave it at 'wow' and not engage further.

Hopefully the parent will give their head a wobble and apologize.

SuperSaturdaySteve · 04/03/2019 11:38

It's difficult because we don't know the full picture - you say the kids mentioned they like the items, but maybe it wasn't exactly those items, maybe the parents don't want the kids to have them, maybe they've bought them for them already.

We also don't know if you or other family members buy stuff for the kids all the time, which is tricky with clutter and with ensuring appreciating gifts. We don't know what relationship you have with the family, or what their financial situation is.

It sounds like you've done something kind, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily without problems. My mother buys really expensive shit for our children all the time because she's heard them mention something in passing, but she never listens to them or their conversations properly so will often spend £££ on stupidly inappropriate/unwanted stuff, while we can't afford things they'd really like (and she doesn't listen when she asks for ideas for birthdays).

Otoh, maybe these parents are just rude. Who knows?

Original poster
RubyWho · 04/03/2019 11:39

The only backstory is that the kids had, repeatedly, pointed out how much they liked said items. They were bought as a treat and the kids have said they’re pleased to receive them - I prompted I may add.

Thanks everyone for your input. I feel a bit sad and down about it.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 04/03/2019 11:48

Thats very rude of them.If the kids didnt like the gifts ,there are nicer ways of phrasing it.

And whether the parents are struggling for money is not the point.The gifts are for the kids not the parents.And it was a treat.

I just wouldnt bother sending anything else.Wait till you see the kids and then you can buy them something.

BeerandBiscuits · 04/03/2019 11:49

It's best to check with parents before sending clothes.
They may want to be the ones to make decisions about what their children wear.

IvanaPee · 04/03/2019 11:50

Doesn’t excuse them being cunts though. And it’s a bit controlling deciding you’re the only one who gets to decide what the dc wear, unless it’s inappropriate or there are specific, valid reasons, is it not?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2019 11:51

So far this is their fault for being so hideously rude, but if you send money I'm afraid that makes it yours too, for encouraging the behaviour

I'm not even surprised TBH; given the increasing expectation that recipients should dictate what's given this was always going to be the next step, but that doesn't mean you have to encourage it

If you're determined to do this you could ask for suggestions beforehand instead of waiting for demands - or better still, as a PP suggested, just send them a book on manners

DarkDarkNight · 04/03/2019 11:52

Wow that is rude, I can’t imagine having the face to even ask.

You did a nice thing, you saw something you thought the kids would like and bought them. As there was no occasion such as a Birthday they should see you just did a nice thing, why would they think money instead would even be an option?

QuirkyQuark · 04/03/2019 11:56

My mil buys my ds useless gifts, she gives me quite a few too. But never in my wildest dreams would I be so rude as to request cash instead and return the gifts.

I'd be telling that parent straight up that this is unacceptable and teaching the children to be spoilt and entitled little #@*#s.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2019 12:01

The only half reasonable explanation I can think of is that the kids' taste has undergone a rapid change (quite possible), or that they were only being polite or making conversation in saying they liked the things in the first place.

I recall being given the oddest things as a teenager, based on other people's distant recollection and ideas of what they would have found fun at my age - usually diametrically opposed to my own taste. Is there any possibility you led them into saying they liked these things? Or it was the only thing they could think of to say in an unfamiliar and completely unsuitable shop?

It doesn't sound that way though.

DaffodilsAreHereAgain · 04/03/2019 12:03

Horribly rude. Have they responded to your "wow" message?

user1471426142 · 04/03/2019 12:10

Do not send money as well. Clothes can get tricky at that age but if they said they liked them you did a lovely thing getting them a random present. I am shocked at the request- it is really very rude.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2019 12:11

The kids this time around have said they like them? That wasn’t clear before. Tell the parent to take a jump then. You had no intention of giving the cash. This was something extra as a treat.

Margot33 · 04/03/2019 12:13

Wow I'm shocked. That is so rude! If they return the gifts you could get a refund and spend the money on yourself?! Or stick a fiver each in a card!

NannyRed · 04/03/2019 12:13

D be tempted to say to the ungrateful parents “return the gifts to me ASAP, I’ll sort it” then leave it at that. No replacement, no refunds, no future gifs. Ever!

IHateUncleJamie · 04/03/2019 12:15

How incredibly rude! One of my SILs used to buy dd presents that were much too young for her and really not dd’s taste but dd always thanked her really nicely. We used to keep the gifts unused for a while and at some point give them to a charity shop.

@RubyWho you sound so nice and it was really thoughtful of you to send the gifts. Even if the children’s tastes had changed, the parents could still exchange the gifts without telling you, or give them to a charity shop. Asking you to return them and send cash is the absolute height of rudeness, cheeky fuckers.

Whatever you do, do NOT send cash too, otherwise you’re just enabling their CF behaviour.

Pinkyyy · 04/03/2019 12:16

The mother is a CF. They like the items so they surely can keep them?

Margot33 · 04/03/2019 12:18

Sorry just read your update. The kids love them! Thats great, its what you wanted. Leave it with them. Ignore any further requests for money!