Returning gifts and requesting cash

[RubyWho]

Hello,

I can’t tell if AIBU or not and have have mixed views, so I thought I’d put it to the experts.

I bought some gifts - for no specific occasion- for two children in my family. I bought them because I thought they were cute and the kids would like them. I sent them via post and asked the children’s parent to confirm if and when they arrived. The parent confirmed they had arrived but asked me to return said gifts and give them (the parent) the money instead as that would be more useful.

Is this UR? Ungrateful? Or am I just being overly precious?

The gifts were clothing / accessory items from a posh-ish retailer (I’m trying not to totally out myself!). I got them because the kids had mentioned they liked said items previously. I had some extra income this month and thought why not?

Parents aren’t amazingly well off but not particuarly struggling - from what I know anyway.

Unbelievably rude. Ignore. Then don;t send anything else ever.

Wow!

Are they really struggling financially?

In future send a cheque- in the kids names- I wouldn’t send the grabby parent the cash EVER.
Rude.

I have a friend who’s a bit of a CF like this, she always asks for money instead of gifts and if anyone gives her or her DC’s gifts she always asks for the receipt or for the gift to be returned and for the cash instead.

I think it’s incredibly rude and tacky but she argues that they have enough ‘stuff’ and she’s rather save up the money for a holiday or treat (that they couldn’t otherwise afford) which does make sense... but it’s still very rude to ask to return gifts for the money.

Op I would say “if the DC’s don’t like them I can certainly exchange them for something else” and completely ignore the request for the money as it’s so rude and ridiculous.

I have been in the position of the parents, in thinking 'I could buy twice as many useful clothing items with the price of that fancy gift'. But, this is not a gift to the parents, or a contribution to their budget. It is a luxury or frivolity for the dc.

My view, of this sort of gift (or lunch out, or expensive bottle of wine) from better off relatives, is that adds a wonderful touch of luxury to our lives, a little taste of something I would be far too sensible to budget for and that is what gifts are all about; they are from the giver and reflect their lifestyle, knowledge, imagination and insight into what the recipient might like. That is part of why gifts are so exciting, they can be so out of the ordinary, yet so right, for the recipient.

It is absolutely rude and they should have been very gracious.

However, in one way I get it. I used to ask my Aunty and my Mum to please stop buying stuff to fill up my house that we don’t need. Either don’t get anything, ask me what they would like/need or give me the money.

My Aunty saw some brand new pjs on a fb selling page for a fiver so she got them when my little girl was 18 months. We never used them she still had baby gros as they were much warmer. They went on the car boot pile. Absolutely waste of time and money.

But it wasn’t because she wanted to buy my child something, it’s because she saw what she perceived as a bargain and got them to satisfy her compulsive need to shop.

So I get they are rude and ungracious, but it’s hard when your kids have everything and people just keep buying more and more stuff!

The only only only justification I can think of is if this parent is used to receiving a lot of unwanted clutter gifts and would rather the sender ask or just go be cash that doesn't duplicate existing items or take up space in a busy house.

Still totally rude to tackle it this way, but maybe this is an ongoing problem?

My mother does this, can't come round without something and our house just fills with stuff we didn't want and while the thought is lovely, it is just something else to store, be responsible for etc.

I think their behaviour is really rude.

I wonder if the gifts could be less appropriate/appreciated/well-fitting than you think, though? Maybe they are trying to tell you this, and finding the worst possible way of doing so? (As a teenage goth who regularly received sequinned skimpy swimming costumes in various eyewatering hues from a family member, I can testify that unwanted gifts can be a little bit upsettingly inappropriate as well as wasteful - though of course you shouldn't be rude to the giver).

I would simply send a message that says "I'm sorry the gifts weren't right for the children, I will buy gift vouchers in future". And stop making an effort!

So rude. We had a family member who used to sell all gifts online as soon as their DC received them.

I’m considering sending the money as well so the kids can actually keep said gifts. But then, I’m a sad old pushover and I love the children

I'm assuming that this behaviour is coming from the parent/s and not the actual children. But if you do send the money as well, you are enabling the parent and actively encouraging this shameful greedy behaviour. You would be dong the children a favour if you make it clear that this is terribly bad form, because the poor kids are not going to learn it from their parent, are they?

Please don't help turn these children into grasping, shameless brats. We'd ALL find money more useful, nobody would say no to an unexpected windfall.

They can keep their gifts and use them or send them back to you if the kids don't want them. But your spontaneous kind and generous gesture has been rebuffed, why would you reward that?!

Yanbu but am I right in thinking that this wasn't the children's birthdays, but just an 'I saw this and thought of you present?'
Unbelievably cheeky

I experienced this type of response when buying gifts for my niece and nephew a few times.

One example, upon gifting my niece a beautiful (and valuable) vintage 1940s celluloid brooch my sister said "It's not really her sort of thing to be honest but she really likes gold and silver jewellery". I was rather hurt by this.

Much later, in fact not until recently, I discovered that my sister's responses over the years were not accurately conveying the responses of her DCs but were a form of gaslighting.

Basically my sister had been envious of my relationship with my nephew (we share many similar interests and were, at one point, quite close) and decided to create distance between me and her DCs.

I only recently discovered what was going on when I moved home and ended up in the same part of the UK as my sister.

A parent with demential, familial alienation and scheming over an inheritance / will were also involved. I have had to go NC with my nephew because he is vulnerable with mental health problems (largely arising from my sister's dysfunctional parenting and her alienating my nephew from his father). My nephew needs to believe that his mother is a good person and I cannot bite my tongue in front of him.

I am not suggesting that this is happening with you OP but I would suggest caution re attributing everything you are told as truthful. Gift giving and withholding operate as a kind of theatre in which all kinds of dysfunctional issues and power games are played out.

Outrageous. I would cross them off the present list. Lesson for the parents. I get annoyed at wishlists these days. The children become expectant and this year one grandchild threw a strop because she did not get presents off her list. Now I refuse to consult the list

My dd is 10 almost 11. She has recently made a massive shift in the type of clothes she likes. She doesn’t like cute clothes anymore unless they have unicorns or flamingos on them. At 10 or even before girls seem to be making a big shift to more teen clothing. If it’s something like Boden kids range - ie the stuff that goes up to age 11-12 it’s probably too babyish. She no longer likes dresses (and she was a big wearer of dresses) opting for leggings and jeggings. Think H&M, new look etc.

In your position I would contact the children themselves and ask if they like the clothes. Let them know it’s ok to be honest with you. You just realised they’re growing up a bit and maybe they’d rather have something else.

Unbelievably rude! Don’t bloody send them money!!!

And it doesn’t matter if the dc won’t wear them. Why would you be so nasty to someone who has sent a gift just to be nice??

Breathtakingly rude. I’d say no and never buy another present for them. Ever.

Unbelievably rude.

It was phrased badly and came across as rude and grabby.
Bear it in mind going forwards.
Maybe they are struggling more then you know financially and you doing this very kind thing has backfired in that the DCs are now expecting the same level of expenditure from the parents which they just cannot do and/or do not want to get into the competitive label owning thing rife among teens.
Plus they are getting to the age where cash is always a better gift. Stick to giving only on birthdays and Christmas, no more 'just because'.
You were very kind, sorry it backfired.

As the children themselves said they liked the items, it was very kind of you to send the clothes. Unbelievably tacky of the parents to respond as they did.

Without giving any reason or excuse, that's rude as fuck.

Rude. If they didn't want the gifts, they should just say thank you and then pass them on to a charity or someone else who'd like them. You don't get to demand the cash equivalent!

Don't send money. Just send something like 'If the kids don't like them, feel free to send them back to me and I'll pass them on to someone else'.

The answer is "No, I just fancied treating the children. The gifts are for them"

very rude!

They should have graciously thanked you, then sell them back or exchange them without telling you. Before the next occasion, they could hint at something that would be more appropriate for teh children, or a contribution to something they want, but that's about it.