To not feel guilty for cheating

[Imnotanaccidentaltourist]

If it's making me happy and therefore by extension making my husband happier too because I am? It's with one person, we are both very clear on what we want out of it and it's just lovely. I don't love my husband any less or any differently. I know it can't carry on for ever and that's ok too. My question is am I a terrible person for not feeling guilty but instead being happy and fulfilled by both things?

Aww, thank you pickle, thank you for caring. And all other posters who sent their support. I think sweetrosie wrote she felt sad for me although it does not help. BY GOLLY it does. Until this happens no one would know how much a kind word means. Cheshire wrote advising not to cover for him, good sound advice, but I am covering up his appalling behaviour for ME. The shame, being pitied, and to stop my family being hurt by someone they love and trust. Cmon, no one wants to know their dad cheated, lied and shagged because their mum was not good in bed!!!

Today I had to say about the deceit of me seeing him off to work, and found out he used to drive off and park the car where I would not see it and hop on a train, so they could round off their day in a pub. See responsible driver - not ALL bad !!
Although he is obviously still upset about me STILL going on about it, yes I do go on and on and on, he managed to remember an occasion I had been particularly nasty and upset him.
Please advise - does not a two year cheating affair to your wife and mother of your children trump a nasty shouting row, with unkind things said a couple of decades ago? He could not remember what the row was about and what he had done that instigated it, funny that.
I think I am going mad.
Perhaps it’s me that’s not normal.
My heart eased when I read your kind words xxxx

I hope this is a joke post, or one just written to get a reaction from people rather than a reflection of what someone actually thinks.

Bun123 it sounds like the cheating was just part of a rather unkind/ selfish pattern.

Maybe suggest you should find someone and he's not allowed to mention it at all.

Or whenever he brings anything up, point out that if you should keep silent so should he.

Thanks Cheshire, I agree looking back there was a lot of selfish behaviour. Do you know what - what’s happened is horrible for me and has a terrible impact, however reading through threads and watching the news tonight (Syrian kids being maimed and bombed etc) and the story on Bake Off of the young mum dying of cancer, maybe it’s time to accept my tough luck, I was obviously a bad chooser and at least I now know my life partner was a bastard and weak and settle for the good things I have had and still have in life.

I can never forgive this, will remain sad, sad, sad but life must go on.

Just one thing - if anyone would be so kind - can anyone let me have the idiots guide to putting other posters ( my new friends and much appreciated support) in bold please. As simplistic as pos please, I’m a bit techno lacking!!

I rather like this posting lark, would never have done normally, but having just had a devastating blow HAD to reply to a twat claiming cheating was such good fun and spread such happiness and joy😔.

May name change soon as my nickname is based on a pet name from you know who! This Bun is now stale, hard and lacks spice 😁 xxxx
Thanks again xxxx

Bun
Find the star key - it's on a number. Mine is number 8
Press button with an arrow pointing upwards at the same time as the star to get this * In needs to be at the start of the name or work and at the end with no spaces.
It , and many other things, is explained under the reply box, near the emoji's

pickle. Testing

Whew thanks for that pickle. I’m thinking of telling him I am really sorry I did not know we had an open marriage 14 years ago. I could have had more fun! And cheshire you are right - I now owe him nothing.

Especially boring stuff like loyalty, honesty and consideration.😔

Bun123 it's usually the case that they're systematically selfish.

If he weren't he either wouldn't have done it or he would've come clean.

Do start your own thread though if you need more support, I'm pretty sure your posts are the reason MN have left this thread to stand.

Also, feel free to PM me if you'd rather.

Hope things get easier for you

Thanks cheshire and thanks for caring enough to stick with me. I WILL be ok, I love life too much not enjoy what good is still in my life. I’m still standing, I have lovely sons, daughters in law, and grandchildren, good friends, enjoy my grub and now I have Mumsnet. A full and rich life!

As a poster said it couldn’t have been so bad for him to stick it out all these years, and he certainly shows no signs of wanting to call it a day even now.

Thanks again xxxx

Bun you’re going to be ok. Keep your head up and put yourself and your happiness first

Bun just stumbled across this thread and want to send you some virtual .
As others have said, his affair was not your fault. You may have faults, but he could have addressed them like a mature, reasonable person. Instead, he chose to break his marriage vows and hurt you so deeply. Find your anger and never blame yourself for your husband's failings.

Yes, OP, you are unreasonable. Tell your husband you are having the affair to make things fair and equal. Perhaps see if your affair makes him as happy as it makes you, eh? As well as giving the man you say you love the opportunity to decide for himself whether or not he wants to be cheated on.

By the way that grandson is now a teenager. Which shows time does not heal a betrayal

@bun123

Although the event was years ago, your discovery of it is a fresh wound. There's been no time for it to heal.

I'll share my experience, i found out in one if the worst ways (after having been told it was all in my head). Lack of emotional support from my side, drove him elsewhere apparently. In actuality he was physically abusive and I kept my distance as a result but he never recognised that part of the truth. He was always the only victim. We had a child together so i tried to make the marriage work. The cheating was oddly more painful than the abuse. So your heart break is valid to feel so painful. The second time I wouldnt allow myself to feel the same hurt, because I knew if i stayed, it was a risk. Anyways....time absolutely did heal the wound, BUT there was a huge scar.
(My marriage ended, due to the abuse, last year.)
It's up to you if you can forgive and forget. If you're religious and want a divorce based on adultery, then you only have 6 months from finding out, to file. If you dont want to split you need to really figure out how best to heal and minimise the scar.
Xx

@bun123 please go and see a solicitor and find out your legal and financial position. Separating need not mean your kids lose out, and quite frankly they would never want their mum to sacrifice her own long term happiness for their inheritance. You only have one life, so live it!

I hope you can value yourself enough to leave him/kick him out. You need to believe that you do deserve to be happy. He is a selfish lying bastard, and does not deserve your continuing loyalty. Plus, you will both pick at each other and your home will be toxic. Get out. Live. And be happy.

Hi there. I think I will just keep posting until I’m stopped. Or until “it has run its course” which is the answer he gave me when I asked why it had ended. Of course I was desperately hoping for the reply that it had ended because he loved me so much and realised what he could lose😢. Mind you he is not slow and two years is a long while to come to a conclusion, so no hope there.
Anyway thanks for the further posts -
Yolo Of course you are right. We have a properly done will, which leaves everything to each other and then to the kids and any offspring they have. My fear is that if I die first he could hook up with someone new and they could inherit all, as a marriage over rules all other wills. This was never a worry for me before as it would seem preposterous for him to want someone else and would always do the right thing by the kids. Obviously now I am not so sure, and have always believed - once a cheat - always a cheat. So do intend to change the will so that on my death, although he could live in the house, my half goes straight to my sons. We also have given the children the right to have power of attorney in the will. Just in case he goes off with a stripper in his 90’s !!!

LiftedHigh 💐 your experience sounds worse than mine and your words are so wise. No I am not religious- I just try to be decent, kind and not hurt anyone if I can help it. Just bog standard muddling through I suppose. I hope your life works out well, you deserve it xxx
As far as the pain goes, as I am sure many know, I feel sore and bruised even though the hurt was all mental/emotional.
Fabaunt and AlargeGin yes I will keep my head up, and I have certainly found my anger.

It’s strange it’s the little things I miss and will miss so much - the shared silly jokes and phrases, sitting down enjoying our favourite programmes, finding little treats when shopping or a bargain which always made me feel triumphant.

Your posts have also helped me articulate how I feel. For example I told him it was a shame I didn’t know 14 years ago and I could have had a fulfilling relationship. I said “I have had opportunity’s you know”. He said of course, you are an attractive person. I looked attractive then too, red eyed, tearful and a nose of snot! I was pleased for a crumb of self esteem, being cheated on diminishes you as a person.

Thanks again, I never knew what really was meant by “the kindness of strangers “. I do now xxxxx

@bun123 you sound so resigned to living the rest of your life with him, with the misery, the mistrust, the betrayal and hurt. Why is this?

Is your self esteem so low that you can't see any alternatives? You do need to get angry. It is never too late to make changes for the better you know. I realise you are still in the shock phase, but you don't need to make any decisions now except to take each day at a time. But exploring options is sensible, so you can make informed decisions in the weeks and months to come.

It makes me so sad to think that a strong, sassy woman like you is accepting and resigning herself to unhappiness for the rest of her life. It is time to put YOU first.

YoLo. You are so right. I need a kick up the arse. Part of me is wallowing in my pity party.

I would not have believed the effect this could have on me. The physical pain and feelings of worthlessness.

I know I cannot sustain this level of pain and grief. I have always been an optimist (he is a miserable moaner). I will come through. As I said before, I am hoping for when I feel nothing but contempt and don’t hurt any more. It will come, just need time. I look at him and don’t even like him anymore, and that is sad - after nearly 50 years.

It’s the bloody waste.

Thanks for the robust support xxxxx

@Bun123 when I had the epiphany that should have ended my marriage, I was equivocal. I didn't want to throw away so many decades of being together, I was frightened of change, of being on my own, of being the one to end it. I was wavering, even though i knew the relationship was toxic to the core, and that I had to get out to protect me and my DC. I was just scared. But lovely MNers helped me see that I should stop looking back and start looking forward. It didn't matter what had gone before, or the poor decisions I made in the past, regrets, etc,. What mattered was what I did NOW. How I wanted my life to be for the rest of it. Yes, I wasted 20 years on this man. But I was not going to waste the next 20.

I wanted to be single for the rest of my life, as I was done with men! And I was for a while and loved it. Now I have the most wonderful partner and could not be happier.

You can be too.

Perhaps start your own thread too. Your posts on this one will get lost, and there are so many great MNera who can help and support you.

MNers not MNera!

Do him a favour and leave your Husband. I hope you're dropped from a great height and land on your head.

I would want to know if one of parents had cheated on the other as then I could understand what they are going through and help support them. That’s just me - maybe other people have different views.

But exploring options is sensible, so you can make informed decisions in the weeks and months to come.

Yes, even if you decide to stay. It'd be a well explored decision, and you'd enter it from a position of strength and choice, rather resignation.

YoLo and LiftedHigh and others. You have given me a lot to think about and this has helped.

I know for certain I can never forgive him. I do feel I am too old to start again. (Think 50 years marriage,rounding it up by a few months, and knowing him years before and married in my 20’s). I know I should be on gransnet, just a bit too “naice” and cosy for me in the main, love the humour, straight talking and diversity of MN.

I don’t feel like starting another thread at the moment. I realise this will peter out eventually (soon?) and I always have the option to do so in the future. As I said have never posted before, lurked and enjoyed posts for ages saw that nasty, stupid post from OP and had to spill out all the hurt that I had been caused by the very thing she thought was acceptable, even commendable and received love, support and help.
Best thing I have ever done.

There does come a time when your options are limited through age. Kicking him out would result in less financial security, important in old age, possibly having to give up my home, the home we have lived in for over 40 years, the home I bought my kids up in, welcomed our grandchildren, had parties, Christmases, had friends round, visited by my mum dad, - long gone 😕 had good times and bad, struggled when money was tight, but always our home. Also my final gift to my children(fingers crossed) which is something possibly only my generation have the luxury of doing for most ordinary people.
Why should I lose this when he has caused me to lose so much - memories, self esteem, trust, certainty, mental peace etc.

If I had known what was going to happen 10, 15 or 20 years ago it would have been a different story.

Which reminds me, churning it over constantly in my head, I can’t make all the dates tally, I now think it was for much longer than I was told,and who knows if this was the only one. It’s difficult to make sense of a web of lies 😊. For some crazy reason it’s important that I know - so I can torture myself further. Strangely I want every detail. Is this common?

Apart from sneaking, sex and lies, what really hurts is the emotional closeness, the fact he may have loved her. During one of my tearful outbursts I told him I could not bear to think of him discussing me and my shortcomings ( how I know another woman would enjoy that, that type of lowlife anyway) and he assured me he only spoke of me “in a complimentary way”. Even then it gave me a (mental) grin. Why wouldn’t she say - if she’s so great why the hell are you here (in my mates house/room/flat) shagging the arse off me! He must think I’m simple. (Spoiler - I’m not)

Nice to end on a laugh 😆. Thanks all xxxxxx