Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel guilty for cheating

153 replies

Imnotanaccidentaltourist · 03/03/2019 22:40

If it's making me happy and therefore by extension making my husband happier too because I am? It's with one person, we are both very clear on what we want out of it and it's just lovely. I don't love my husband any less or any differently. I know it can't carry on for ever and that's ok too. My question is am I a terrible person for not feeling guilty but instead being happy and fulfilled by both things?

OP posts:
LikeYouSaid · 04/03/2019 00:23

@Bun123 Flowers you are not worthless. He was in the wrong and if anyone should feel foolish it should be him throwing away a long marriage. Although you feel like crap now just remember you have the moral high ground and whatever you decide you did nothing wrong at all. Don’t ever let his own guilty conscience try and convince you that you have.

As for the OP... Does your DH know? You sound incredibly goady.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/03/2019 00:25

@ReanimatedSGB Yup, it's all fine, as long as you're upfront about it, that the other party knows their sexual health might be at risk, that the other party has the choice to end the relationship if it's not acceptable to them. I am sure OP would be absolutely fine with her husband having an affair with somebody if it makes him happy...because by extension, that makes HER happy too...because everybody's SO HAPPY! ODFOD.

HappyLife21 · 04/03/2019 00:31

Is this a reverse?

EmeraldShamrock · 04/03/2019 00:40

Bun123 Bun you are very far for worthless, you a fabulous lady who was to trusting to catch the sneaky bastard
How dare he use the excuse not enough, no he was a sleazy pig, he should have been apologising on repeat.
If you haven't put him out, please do and talk to others in RL, we all know lots of men are complete pigs. Do not feel ashamed the only mistake you made was trusting him.

OffToBedhampton · 04/03/2019 00:42

It's not nice what you are doing.
But I won't judge. Hide it well and don't be a douchebag if s/he does eventually suspect (ie admit it, don't gaslight....! As that is exponential doucheness)

Because when DP does suspect or find out , you do know you may lose your marriage, DC and world? And hurt your DP so deeply they could never recover from the betrayal.

Just mentioning that it might not be as harmless as you think.

PanickAttack · 04/03/2019 00:43

Yeh don’t feel guilty so that it gets easier for your DH to dump you without looking back

Bun123 · 04/03/2019 00:46

Thanks so much xxx. Bella, I know. In 49 years, in which I thought we had a happy marriage, full of ups and downs, tears and laughter but love, commitment, shared interests and memories, bought up children who are the light of my life, I never dreamed in a million years this could have happened. My grandson was just over a year old when he embarked on his affair. Which you would think would be a time of nothing but joy. I thought he was a kind decent man. Of course I have my faults - lots of them. Most have been pointed out this week. Apparently I never really enjoyed sex enough so he feels he was justified to go off and find someone who did. Yeah she was married too, but “apparently” their marriage was an empty relationship. Although she made sure he never found out either. I’m normally a bold, feisty person (probably a fault) but it has made me feel so betrayed and that my married life was a complete sham. Oh he still loves me as a friend and can’t see this is one of the most insulting things in the world. Or is it me? Sorry didn’t mean to hog the thread. But it has helped. Off for another cry.

LaBelleSauvage · 04/03/2019 00:47

OP your post makes you sound like a creep.

Of course YABU

Namechangeforthegamechange · 04/03/2019 00:48

You are trying to justify your actions and I’m sorry but yabu. There is nothing but a world of hurt waiting to happen. You might be happy now but if you destroy your relationship/family and that of the OM, you will see the flip side and god forbid the OM hasn’t a DW out for blood!

Adu1tHumanFemale · 04/03/2019 00:51

0 out of 10

EmeraldShamrock · 04/03/2019 00:52

Jasus Buns truly awful.
You must be heart broken, none of us ever know, I am sure in the past like me thinking on my guy is good we have our ups and downs.
It must have completely knocked you for 6. One thing you mentioned your GS, Your DH probably felt all the attention was him was over, he is patatic, I would also tell the ows DH, she doesn't deserve to walk away.
Don't cry any more, concentrate on your GS.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/03/2019 00:54

Oh don't worry about derailing the thread, OP is a troll.

Bun123 · 04/03/2019 01:08

Last message before bed (alone). I wouldn’t ever, ever inflict the hurt I feel on another innocent person. Not that I am a goody two shoes, but the level of grief, and it is real grief, it feels like a bereavement. Oh yes he feels sorry now, he has lost a cosy, happy relationship ( no hot sex though). And he is truly sorry (that he got found out). By the way that grandson is now a teenager. Which shows time does not heal a betrayal. And I only found out last week. Got to go to bed - feeling a bit crazy. Might write something daft. Thanks again for your wonderful support xx

Lovingbenidorm · 04/03/2019 01:10

Sleep well Bun x

EmeraldShamrock · 04/03/2019 01:14

I get it, see how lovely you are thinking of the other victim in his affair.
it is his loss now let him reap the consequences. Flowers

Ireallywantmylifeback · 04/03/2019 01:15

@Bun123 your post is so sad. I'm sorry that he has put you through this.
I hope in time you will heal and realise it's all on him, not you!

CheshireChat · 04/03/2019 01:34

@Bun123 you mentioned you have no one to talk to, well that's why MN is pretty great and if you think AIBU is too harsh, you could always post in Relationships which is a lot milder, plus you can receive ongoing support.

ChaircatMiaow · 04/03/2019 01:38

@Bun123 write as much daft stuff as you like. Lots of support here for you Flowers

humpydumpybumpy · 04/03/2019 01:51

@Bun123 Flowers Your post is worth responding to, the OP's post not at all.

Bun you sound fab, so hold your head up, you honest lovely woman!

helacells · 04/03/2019 01:52

😂😂😂

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2019 02:17

One of the most common posts on Chumplady is "He said that because he was happy, I was happy too so what was my problem?" or along those lines.

You cant argue with anyone who is determined to justify their own utterly shite behaviour.

Thinking of you Bun, I am starting to come out the other side but I remember the pain of the early days so clearly. I never thought that an emotional pain could physically hurt.

Please look after yourself my love Flowers

Bun123 · 04/03/2019 10:07

These messages of kindness are the only thing keeping me going at the moment. So thank you so much. I agree about what was said about emotional pain. The chest pains and this heavy feeling I think are what a broken heart feels like. To Cheshire- don’t worry about this being on Aibu - I rather like the cut and thrust of this forum. If you’re not a twat no one will call you a twat - if you are - well you need telling! As far as telling my dear friends go - my pride (more faults) just could not bear to see them pity me. Some of them would want to kill him- he’s not worth jail time! Is being flippant another failing? I feel strangely chuffed at my debut post managing to hi-jack a trolls thread.
Anyway - cleaning out the wardrobe was his idea - he had forgotten the stuff was there😄. I need encouragement to do housework (although love cooking). Tend to be a slut around the house although sadly not in the bedroom!
You might like to know that this lovely couple were pushing 60 when their affair started and apparently caused by me not wanting “to try anything new”. So maybe IABU
I don’t want to go out anywhere and feel sick and shamed. I have never felt like this before. My life is in ruins. I can’t even look back at happy memories, like a normal bereavement, they have been taken from me, the last 40 odd years, according to him this morning were just making “the best of it”
I thought we loved each other

aintnothinbutagstring · 04/03/2019 10:38

Bun, I'm sure he was happily married to you or he could have left and gone into the sunset with her could he not? Lots of people view love and lust separately, she may have satisfied his sexual needs at that time but not enough love was there to leave you, little comfort to you now I'm sure. Don't believe that your marriage was a sham or a waste of your years, it sounds like you have built a lovely family together, no affair can take that away. It's time to consider what YOU want going into the next phase of your life. And you're not the silly old fool, he is.

Frecklesonmyarm · 04/03/2019 10:41

If you think your life is so great and you are doing your husband a favour. Why do you keep posting about this?

Could it be that you are actually unhappy, or simply that you are GF?

motherheroic · 04/03/2019 11:12

'It's just lovely'.