To not feel guilty for cheating

[Imnotanaccidentaltourist]

If it's making me happy and therefore by extension making my husband happier too because I am? It's with one person, we are both very clear on what we want out of it and it's just lovely. I don't love my husband any less or any differently. I know it can't carry on for ever and that's ok too. My question is am I a terrible person for not feeling guilty but instead being happy and fulfilled by both things?

I feel strangely chuffed at my debut post managing to hi-jack a trolls thread.
Anyway - cleaning out the wardrobe was his idea - he had forgotten the stuff was there. I need encouragement to do housework (although love cooking). Tend to be a slut around the house although sadly not in the bedroom!

You've a great sense of humour, Bun! It's his loss. Has he moved out? xx

I posted the other day about my mother's emotional affair. Posters told me to get over it as it was just her living her life/having a life of her own.

Hypocrites.

Quite a lot of people find the absolute drudgery of longterm monogamist parenthood is made more bearable by a bit of fun on the side. Nothing wrong with that.

There's everything wrong with it. What purpose do marriage vows serve then?

I would find long term monogamy an absolute ball ache but .... I'm neither married nor in a committed relationship.

Also, my post isn't meant to damn anyone who's ever made a mistake: far from it. But taking your commitments so lightly and deceiving a loved one and thinking that's perfectly OK? Nah, that doesn't right with me.

If you want the single life, have the fucking balls to be single!

How awful, I hope he finds out and leaves you for someone worthwhile.

So this is actually good for your husband?....
Except if he found out it would devastate him. You know it's wrong and your justification for cheating is pathetic.

Hi M4j4. Sorry don’t know how to do that bold writing. No he has not moved out. He is playing golf.

Verbal attack this morning - which I understand. He is not unaffected by this shit storm and as I know emotions change all the time. One minute I am a tearful wreck, the next an angry banshee. He is desperately trying to justify this. Somehow this makes it worse.
I don’t want him to move out. It would be a drain on our resources and we are 70+ and I want as much as possible for our sons to inherit any money and our (modest) house. Is that mad?
I also don’t want our lovely family to know about this, it would cause them pain and heartache.
I want to get to where I don’t care anymore and feel nothing 🙁

Bet you have twins too OP.

It takes a special kind of person (and I don't mean that in a good way) to come on a forum where both men and women post about their relationships and the pain of their other half cheating on them and declare having an affair makes her happy so makes her DH happy. WTF do you really expect people to say?

I hope your DH kicks your cheating arse out the door.

HOw would you feel if your husband rocked up and said hey been cheating on you , but don’t worry it made me happy so therefore it made you happy as well

Youre an idiot

I expect the OP is looking for one response that tells her "yes it's fine" , and then she will tootle off, safe in her mind she has been validated and approved by Mumsnet.

You have attempted to convince yourself that cheating on your husband is a good thing but not only for yourself- for your poor husband as well! Jesus, what a cracker you are. Tell your husband and see how happy he is then.

Is your husband allowed to shag other women to make you happy?

Justifying your cheating by claiming it's making your husband happy does indeed make you a terrible person.

Let him know what you're up to and there reason you're happy. If he's fine then crack on, if he feels utterly betrayed and deeply hurt then do him a favour and walk away so he can mend.

I never understand why loose women like this don't just ask their partner for an open relationship, it's not fair he gets no fun.

I guess sex with the same person week in week out could get quite boring? YOLO..

@Arnoldthecat I agree! For some people that is not an option. However, stay single in that case, be upfront about it and fuck who you like! Cheating, however, is not OK and being so lacking in self awareness that you are somehow trying to justify it by claiming it makes your husband "happy" is just mind boggling.

I bet once the husband does know, it won't be making him happy
What a load of bollocks, literally.

Probably the most selfish post I've read in a while.

Tell him, he may agree to an open relationship. Or he may put you up on the shelf where you belong.

Bun123 it sounds like he's turned your life together upside down.

This is a really controversial thing, but I'm not sure how much I'd be covering for him as it always seems to me that the innocent party ends up being 'joing guilty' so to speak.

You don't have to leave him if you don't want to either, though he should definitely be making amends as much as it's possible at this point.

OP you should tell your DH so he can decide if he wants someone on the side too.

Bun123 you make me feel very sad for you. I know it doesn't help but this sort of thing seems to happen a lot. Sadly. I think some men view it almost as a right.

I've been married almost 20 yrs, would never ever think my DH is the cheating kind. But the past 8 months my women's intuition has been off the charts. Lots of red flags, lots of denial. Maybe I am just nuts and he's completely innocent.

I really hope things work out for you. People do pull through this regardless if they stay together or not, there is life after this. Best of luck xxxooo

Bless your hearts. This support is wonderful. As I have said I am not perfect (but also not a lying cheating rat, bitter moi?) but have always thought friends stood up for their mates in bad times. So I count you as my friends
To continue this very therapeutic conversation, enjoying making it all about “me me me” (a rare treat for a wife, mum, grandmother, busy professional in the NHS, worked 12 years after I could have retired, irrelevant I know but chucking it all in!) can I tell you one of the things that hurts so much?
It’s the thought of them scheming their meetings and, in my view, laughing at me behind my back, I must have rung him when he was with her, in my mind I can see them pulling faces and her smirking. I torture my self with these thoughts. What excuses did he give to meet her? Did I wave him off and wish him a nice day, kiss him goodbye? Did I ask him how his day had been and be interested in the pack of lies he made up for me? He told me sometimes he took the day off work. I must have got up early, as usual and made him a packed lunch. But as it went on for two years he must have also had his nice little outings at weekends, me sitting at home (or working) but quite happy he was watching some sport event or meeting an old mate (i would only have assumed a male mate). God I was a plank.
So then, my pride is hurt, I was made a fool of, maybe I’m shallow, but it hurts like hell and I cry and cry.
This is only one aspect of course, I can’t bear to see photos of us together (smiling and living out this sham life, although only one of us knew) so lots of empty picture hooks on the walls!
Thanks so much - that felt better out than in. Xxxxxx

Oh by the way, the retirement thing - although I liked my job, I was working for the money, for us and to be able to treat the kids and later on (although the grand love affair was over 🤔, or so I’ve been told) for him to retire while I carried on working! Nice xxx

I think OP is under no illusions that we all think she is a twat!

Ahh Bun how horrible for you to find this out. You are not worthless, not at all. As others have already said this is not your fault, not even a bit. It's all your husband. He is a bastard!
You are not a plank - you simply trusted your husband - the person who'd made vows to you- why wouldn't you. I'll say it again YOU done nothing wrong here.
Don't worry for now about the tears, let it out but please try not to torment yourself you don't deserve it.